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Today's featured corpse COEUR D'COEURS, USA -- Several circus performers at the local Barry Sonnenfeld & Bryan Fuller Shrine Circus have died under mysterious circumstances. According to one such victim, a mime who was brought back from the dead for 60 seconds by a local piemaker named Ned, a man named Bryce Von Deenis threatened to kill several clowns for making a dirty limerick about his last name. (More) Recently featured: Archive – Vote for featured articles Yesterday's featured corpse Did you know... *... chickens can count to a hundred but are reluctant to show you up? ... that in the dark, all cats are rather badly lit? ... chickens can count to a hundred but are reluctant to show you up? ... that in the dark, all cats are rather badly lit? ... chickens can count to a hundred but are reluctant to show you up? ... that in the dark, all cats are rather badly lit? ... chickens can count to a hundred but are reluctant to show you up?

Latest murders Burr and Hamilton to settle differences with a cage fight The King is dead Iranian trumps Trump Hegseth orders attack on the Moon (pictured) Obama photographed with aliens Trump breaks the Mustache Mafia Hegseth orders drone attack on Santa Claus Trump renames Christmas Uncyclopedia implements funny ban Miley Cyrus lends her wrecking ball to Donald Trump Prince Andrew to go into permanent exile John Bolton is indicted Florida to use Cracker Barrels as immigration checkpoints Flying Dildos dominate the WNBA Epstein list emerges Past murders... August 5: Mysterious Woody at the Mall Day 1239 - Pietro da Morrone becomes a hermit and invents solitaire despite not having any playing cards. 1504 - Leonardo da Vinci creates a map of the defenses of the city of Imola for Cesare Borgia, who proudly shows it to all his neighboring rulers. Leonardo's facepalm is heard throughout the Italian peninsula. 1812 - Famed time traveller Woody Harrelson goes back in time to bring the idea of the mall to the past. 1924 - The comic strip Little Orphan Annie debuts. (pictured) Woody Allen gets his nickname after reading the comic strip and starts stalking little girls without eyeballs. 1925 - The first cheese slicer is invented in Norway, adapted from Viking torture devices. 1940 - Joseph Stalin is caught with a woody at the mall. Later that evening, twelve million peasants are killed. 1955 - Carmen Miranda dies; shares of United Fruit decline 20% in heavy trading. 1962 - Film actress and sex icon Marilyn Monroe is found dead in her Los Angeles home, apparently having overdosed on sleeping pills. Teenaged males everywhere declare an International Day of No Masturbation to mourn her passing. 1980 - Woody Allen appears mysteriously at Detroit strip mall, but is disappointed to find that the Big Boy doesn't offer kosher meals. 1984 - Toronto Blue Jay's player Cliff Johnson gets good wood. 1992 - The Alice in Chains song Wood? is heard in every mall in North America. 1994 - Viagra hires Woody Woodpecker as their spokesman. 2000 - Academy Award winning actor Sir Alec Guiness dies at the age of 86. Or at least, it is assumed he died, since all that is found is an empty robe and a lightsaber. Pie of the Week For the glory of her majesty Help us bring back murder victims, and plant the seeds of daisies.

Today's featured pie
[vote] MichaelSatanMonkeyDarwin.jpg MichaelSatanMonkeyDarwin.jpg - 17 Angelic Monkeys ( 20 / 3 ) St. Michael the Archangel attempts to slay Charles Darwin to prevent him from revealing Michael's horrible secret. Darwin, belonging to the fitter of the species, survived. Image credit: Isra1337

Detective and Piemaker of the Month

GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia! Seriously, we love you. Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor. Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come! It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon! HEIL FROSTY! Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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Pagecount statistics listed above were updated on May 2, 2019. We know you're simply bustling these days, but we simply can't be bothered.

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