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Today's featured corpse COEUR D'COEURS, USA -- Several circus performers at the local Barry Sonnenfeld & Bryan Fuller Shrine Circus have died under mysterious circumstances. According to one such victim, a mime who was brought back from the dead for 60 seconds by a local piemaker named Ned, a man named Bryce Von Deenis threatened to kill several clowns for making a dirty limerick about his last name. (More) Recently featured: Archive – Vote for featured articles Yesterday's featured corpse Did you know... *... the US Postal Service delivered over 7.7 billion pieces of mail last year? ... and that unfortunately those started out as 5.2 billion packages and letters? ... Edward Scissorhands was never capable of running with scissors, much less a scissor? ... the US Postal Service delivered over 7.7 billion pieces of mail last year? ... and that unfortunately those started out as 5.2 billion packages and letters? ... Edward Scissorhands was never capable of running with scissors, much less a scissor? ... the US Postal Service delivered over 7.7 billion pieces of mail last year? ... and that unfortunately those started out as 5.2 billion packages and letters? ... Edward Scissorhands was never capable of running with scissors, much less a scissor? ... the US Postal Service delivered over 7.7 billion pieces of mail last year? ... and that unfortunately those started out as 5.2 billion packages and letters?

Latest murders Obama photographed with aliens (pictured) Trump breaks the Mustache Mafia Hegseth orders drone attack on Santa Claus Trump renames Christmas Uncyclopedia implements funny ban Miley Cyrus lends her wrecking ball to Donald Trump Prince Andrew to go into permanent exile John Bolton is indicted Florida to use Cracker Barrels as immigration checkpoints Flying Dildos dominate the WNBA Epstein list emerges Miss England to Miss World: I'm out Qatar gifts Trump an airplane Popeye deported for gang-related tattoos DOGE calls on Uncyclopedia Past murders... February 26: Famous Last Words Day 2008 BCE - "Phdugy'dufc eibgs'ghib kuikhigihdmvgh's" – Cthulhu, again. 480 BCE - "This is an arrow!" – Spartan guy 666 - "Pity me." – Satan, on Mr.T 777 - "AAA" – AAA 1566 - "Tomorrow, I shall no longer be here." – Nostradamus, his only prediction that comes true. 1900 - "My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go." – Oscar Wilde 1900 - "As much as I hate him, Oscar is right. I would not want to change a thing." – Mark Twain 1920 - "It can't end like this. Tell them I said something." – Pancho Villa is hit by history's most unfortunately-timed case of writer's block. 1939 - "This is absurd ! This is absurd !" – Sigmund Freud, after reading Waiting for Godot 1,111 times. 1939 - "No! Mine are more absurd than this crap." – Albert Camus , in reply to Sigmund (MotherF*cker) Freud saying that his works are more absurd. 1939 - "Who care about absurdity , Hell are others." – Jean Paul Sartre, in reply to Albert Camus. 1939 - "I am dying. Please... bring me a toothpick." – Fred, after reading Waiting for Godot 99,999 times. 1939 - "See! This one is more absurd that you two !!" – Jean Paul Sartre , awakening from his grave to get in the last word. 1945 - "Peace out, bitches!" – Jozef Goebbels comin' at you live, also from A to the D to the Hizzle's concrete crib, yo. 1967 - "I know you've come to kill me. Shoot, you are only going to kill a man." – Che Guevara, where 'only going to kill a man' means that he'll be revived as zombie and sticker-tags. 1969 - "This is one small step for HOLY...!" – Neil Armstrong 1992 - "..." – John Cage, who confuses the angel of death who thinks this is some kind of extreme performance art. 2000 - "Hold my beer. WATCH THIS... " – Unknown, but attributed to hundreds of people appearing on Jackass. 2006 - "And this rope is of such shitty quality!" – Saddamn, at the gallows, complaining his ass into his grave. 2175 - "I'm dying... so that I'm not going to live anymore." – Captain Obvious 2345 - "What's this button do???" – George W. Bush the 7th 2456 - "WarniT!" – Jesus Goffer The End of Everything - "Sorry for the inconvenience." – God Pie of the Week For the glory of her majesty Help us bring back murder victims, and plant the seeds of daisies.

Today's featured pie
[vote] IndyWrappedmm.jpg IndyWrappedmm.jpg - 19 total votes ( 26 / 7 ) NEW! Individual wrappings prevent Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Image credit: MoneySign

Detective and Piemaker of the Month

GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia! Seriously, we love you. Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor. Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come! It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon! HEIL FROSTY! Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners Jesus! Only 2 days left to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month, GET VOTING!!

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Pagecount statistics listed above were updated on May 2, 2019. We know you're simply bustling these days, but we simply can't be bothered.

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