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37,332 heart-rending poems in English

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Today's Message of pain

Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.

It is the feeling that no one loves me.
Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of Teenaged Angst.
No one understands me.
No one loves me.
My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.
God, I hate them so much; the fakes.
The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care
All live in my iPod...

Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?
I'm not.
Not since she left me.
I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,
or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.
It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.
She was so much better than the girl last week.
I let her draw Xs and Cut Lines on my wrists in sharpie.
They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.
They are tempting me.

Did you care...

... that the light at the end of the tunnel is commonly reported to be a strobe light accented with techno?
... that some of us are old enough to remember when there were only 3 elements in the Periodic table? Oh yeah, earth, wind, fire and water, so 4.

... that a live action version of Steamboat Willie is set for release next summer?
... thanks to a transporter accident, the joke about suicide bombers' 72 virgins being Star Trek geeks is older than Islam?

... that Cirno will always be the strongest, beating the nuclear raven?
... that hitting your kids may be beneficial to their health, or at the very least amusing to you?

... that the The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?
... that if it ain't broke, it wasn't made in China or America?

... a stitch in time doesn't save nine, but saves nuns from being sucked into time portals or wormholes?
... that every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings?
- ... and that's why you have to wait so long to get your takeout order?

... that Richard the Lionheart of England had a "Richard the Lionheart" of his own?
... that censorship is a tactic practiced by oppressive governments who believe in upholding an arbitrary social standard for the so-called "good of the people" while simultaneously imposing their peremptory moral values on their unwilling populace by dictating what is and what is not necessary for them to experience?

... a stoat bloated with oats in the moat floats all boats?
... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?

... behind every successful man is a hairy ass?
... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians?

... that I like cats, but could never eat a whole one?

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Today sucks because...

May 27: National Homicide Day

2 CE - World's first homosexual celebrates his 40th birthday by helping create The Church of Tyra.
1032 - In England, first 'Knocke, Knocke: whoeth art there?' joke performed in public.
1895 - Oscar Wilde is sent to prison, then released when the hamster does not press charges.
1931 - Jesus Christ considers starting the Second Coming; he decides he'd rather get Taco Bell and watch porn.
1936 - Freddy Krueger kills himself in his own dreams accidentally. He reincarnates the same day for no reason as Walt Disney.
1937 - J.R.R Tolkien commences work on the majestic The Matrix: Revolutions.
1947 - Mexico Space Program launches its first rocket powered by jumping beans. (pictured)
1955 - J. Edgar Hoover wins the New York Marathon dressed in a tutu.
1963 - The Beatles kick Joseph Stalin out of the band. He quickly composes Back in the USSR as a mild revenge.
1969 - Hippies collect signatures to forbid showers. 'They are so concentration camp' is their argument.
1974 - Jimi Hendrix makes love to his guitar on stage. He is promptly taken to a hospital where he dies of severe penis shredding.
1985 - Ronald Reagan sets a new high score for Pac-Man, humiliating former champion Mikhail Gorbachev.
2006 - Midsomer Village now has NO MORE PEOPLE TO MURDER.
2006 - The Vatican, Luxembourg, Malta and Fiji form the Small Countries Alliance – the most dangerous set of allies since the Axis. Together, they have a total population of 800 and double that in nuclear bombs.
2018 - Uncyclopedians emerge from their bomb shelters and begin building time machines. An overlong lunch break, nap and hand-waving sets the project schedule back, as future Uncyclopedians arriving in their time machines find to their disgust.

View tomorrow – More anniversaries...

Today's featured artistry

My heart has been broken... Then taken out and had a bunch of nails put in it.

Image Credit: RadicalX
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The Bard (baptised 26 April 1564 – died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language, and the world's preeminent dramatist. He wrote approximately 38 plays and 154 sonnets, as well as a variety of other poems. Already a popular writer in his own lifetime, the Bard became increasingly celebrated after his death and his work adulated by numerous prominent cultural figures through the centuries.

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