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Emopedia
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Welcome to Emopedia,
37,324 heart-rending poems in English
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Today's Message of pain
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Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.
It is the feeling that no one loves me.
Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of Teenaged Angst.
No one understands me.
No one loves me.
My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.
God, I hate them so much; the fakes.
The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care
All live in my iPod...
Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?
I'm not.
Not since she left me.
I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,
or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.
It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.
She was so much better than the girl last week.
I let her draw Xs and Cut Lines on my wrists in sharpie.
They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.
They are tempting me.
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Did you care...
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- ... if you feed a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but if you feed a man to a fish, you go to jail?
- ... that the A Train is "a" train?
- ... that fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to foreplay?
- ... goldfish have been found not to be particularly aggressive, yet they can often be found guarding a castle?
- ... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
- ... that Yashasvi Jaiswal sold panipuri whilst living in a tent before he became the youngest List A double centurion in both cricket and snack food sales?
- ... that GMOs are kind of safe? Sort of?
- ... that GMOs are kind of safe? Sort of?
- ... Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? MOVE BACK INTO SURVEILLANCE CAMERA RANGE
- ... that the Mayan colander was a drain on its civilization?
- ... the person that was sitting next to you and jerking off during fire scenes in Only the Brave just might have been a pyromaniac?
- ... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
- ... it's i before e except after pootwaddle?
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Recent deaths
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Today sucks because...
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April 6: Arson Wednesday (Nihilist Church of New Zealand)
- 350 BCE - Defying the gods, Prometheus brings fire to the human race. Humans use it for decorative tiki torches placed outside their caves. Prometheus then shows how fire can be used to keep warm, cook food, light caves and clear land for crops. At the end of the demonstration, Prometheus asks for questions and a human asks, "Do you think brown or black is a better color for tiki torches?" Prometheus then walks up to the mountains, chains himself to a rock and has eagles rip out his liver.
- 648 BCE - The earliest solar eclipse recorded by Ancient Greeks is quickly followed by a large earthquake, suicides, and disease.
- 1 CE - Baby Jesus flips off a goat, and the judges give him a 9.65.
- 612 - Arab popstar Mohammed declares he is "more popular than Jesus now".
- 1522 - Mary had a little lamb. Yankee Doodle claims to be the father.
- 1593 - John Greenwood, English Congressionalist, is hanged. His last words: "Get this fucking rope off of me!"
- 1895 - Oscar Wilde is arrested in London for "acts of gross indecency". You can't make this stuff up.
- 1896 - First modern Olympic doping scandal is discovered at Athens games. Two runners are disqualified for eating Wheaties.
- 1999 - Chinese democracy is released and subsequently pulled off shelves after the US Government denies reports of its existence.
- 1955 - Hell freezes over; the Devil skates to work.
- 1957 - Three children die in a nuclear attack after being kicked out of a crowded refrigerator by a prominent professor of archaeology.
- 1985 - Video gaming is first cited as a precursor to juvenile delinquency. "Stick 'em up and keep your hands in plain sight while I do a save," is commonly heard on the streets.
- 1989 - Billy Joel is arrested for arson but states "We didn't start the fire," and proceeds to spill his guts, naming a long list of conspirators. (pictured)
- 1992 - Isaac Asimov's batteries finally wear down. Perhaps the world's most famous robot, Asimov served more than 20 years on the U.S.S. Enterprise under Captain Picard.
- 1994 - Kurt Cobain's attempt to win a posthumous Grammy backfires tragically. However, some would say he had a shot at it.
- 1999 - Billy Joel begins to amass his mole army beginning his inevitable rise to world domination.
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Today's featured artistry
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Poets of the Month
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Modusoperandi hunts down random, unfunny shit which he replaces with less-random, quasi-funny shit. Occasionally he gets up off his ass (or more correctly, sits down on it) and makes a page of his own, to which no one ever goes.
Recently he's been making pictures that people don't like and, having discovered UnNews, has been making fake news stories (rather than the fake regular stories that he normally makes).
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The Bard (baptised 26 April 1564 – died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language, and the world's preeminent dramatist. He wrote approximately 38 plays and 154 sonnets, as well as a variety of other poems. Already a popular writer in his own lifetime, the Bard became increasingly celebrated after his death and his work adulated by numerous prominent cultural figures through the centuries.
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Congratulations to Hardwick Fundlebuggy, our Poet of the Year, and Mhaille, our Self-harmer of the Year!
Vote for Poet of the Month | Vote for Loner of the Month | Vote for Self-harmer of the Month | Past Losers
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| Uncyclopedia is an independent humor writing project, a non-profitable cabal that also hosts a range of other projects.
This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 37,324 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
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