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Emopedia
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Welcome to Emopedia,
37,405 heart-rending poems in English
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Today's Message of pain
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Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.
It is the feeling that no one loves me.
Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of Teenaged Angst.
No one understands me.
No one loves me.
My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.
God, I hate them so much; the fakes.
The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care
All live in my iPod...
Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?
I'm not.
Not since she left me.
I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,
or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.
It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.
She was so much better than the girl last week.
I let her draw Xs and Cut Lines on my wrists in sharpie.
They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.
They are tempting me.
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Did you care...
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- ... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
- ... that due to the recent and highly successful reforms in education, grammar studies isn't need anymore?
- ... that cats only pretend not to like to swim?
- ... and that they like it even more while inside a burlap sack?
- ... if you open your refrigerator door you will make a chilling discovery?
- ... that walking in the air will not make you fly in the moonlit sky?
- ... that I like cats, but could never eat a whole one?
- ... turtles can run at top speeds of 87 miles per hour, but only in short bursts?
- ... Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? MOVE BACK INTO SURVEILLANCE CAMERA RANGE
- ... that Arceus is the true Lord and Saviour and not that fake Felix Hossil or whatever he's called?
- ... that ostriches do not stick their heads in the ground but in molten lava? This explains why they are not found on the island of Hawaii.
- ... that you should not cross a bridge before it is hatched?
- ... showings of the movie Frozen 2 will require moviegoers to sit in a tub of liquid nitrogen for maximum effect?
- ... if at first you don't succeed, keep hitting the refresh button?
- ... an apple a day keeps the doctor away if thrown hard enough?
- ... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man?
- ... that withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
- ... that the reason the government does not ban it is because of the tax money it gets from the food industry?
- ... Ötzi the Iceman was found with an overdue library book, with the fine now exceeding €4.2 million?
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Recent deaths
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Today sucks because...
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March 5: Festival of Violent Spasms (Turkey)
- 1437 - Italians in the Apulia region dance the tarantella in order to counter the effects of spider bites. Not only are the spiders highly amused, but Italian DJs accompanying the dancers adopt BPM (beats per minute) to keep the flow.
- 1777 - Hypnotoad wisely defects to the American side.
- 1914 - Preparations for the wildest party known to mankind are well underway.
- 1920 - Prohibition is instituted in the US and the party planners move to Canada to continue to stock up on booze, cocktail napkins and Ecstasy.
- 1947 - The wildest party known to mankind begins today. The death toll reaches the dozens in just the first hour.
- 1991 - Emperor George Bush Sr. takes over all of the Americas, except Hawaii, in retaliation for not being given the right address for the party.
- 1999 - Party almost stops over fear of the Y2K Bug. Then someone gets a fly swatter. Party continues.
- 2006 - Party nearly ends due to a Bird Flu epidemic. Ends with Bird Flu being deported to Britain and the death of Big Bird. Party continues.
- 2008 - Ten years after aliens from outer space destroyed a significant portion of the United States, including cities such as New York City and Washington, D.C., the world is still recovering from the damage. World leaders are still shaking hands, albeit carefully, and actor Will Smith has vowed to "kick E.T.'s ass" should Earth ever be invaded again.
- 5997 - End of the World. Turks party in Heaven with Allah and Jesus.
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Today's featured artistry
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Poets of the Month
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Modusoperandi hunts down random, unfunny shit which he replaces with less-random, quasi-funny shit. Occasionally he gets up off his ass (or more correctly, sits down on it) and makes a page of his own, to which no one ever goes.
Recently he's been making pictures that people don't like and, having discovered UnNews, has been making fake news stories (rather than the fake regular stories that he normally makes).
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The Bard (baptised 26 April 1564 – died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language, and the world's preeminent dramatist. He wrote approximately 38 plays and 154 sonnets, as well as a variety of other poems. Already a popular writer in his own lifetime, the Bard became increasingly celebrated after his death and his work adulated by numerous prominent cultural figures through the centuries.
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Congratulations to Hardwick Fundlebuggy, our Poet of the Year, and Mhaille, our Self-harmer of the Year!
Vote for Poet of the Month | Vote for Loner of the Month | Vote for Self-harmer of the Month | Past Losers
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| Uncyclopedia is an independent humor writing project, a non-profitable cabal that also hosts a range of other projects.
This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 37,405 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
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Protected by the life-is-unfair Use Clause, and an elite clan of Goths.
