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Emopedia
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Welcome to Emopedia,
37,242 heart-rending poems in English
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Today's Message of pain
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Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.
It is the feeling that no one loves me.
Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of Teenaged Angst.
No one understands me.
No one loves me.
My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.
God, I hate them so much; the fakes.
The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care
All live in my iPod...
Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?
I'm not.
Not since she left me.
I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,
or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.
It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.
She was so much better than the girl last week.
I let her draw Xs and Cut Lines on my wrists in sharpie.
They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.
They are tempting me.
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Did you care...
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- ... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
- ... that I like cats, but could never eat a whole one?
- ... the film Casablanca takes 102 minutes to tell the story of a guy who gets his ex and her husband to the airport?
- ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
- ... that I only slept with your wife as a prank?
- ... when a Chinese Uncyclopedia member writes an article, ██████ █████████████ ████ █████?
- ... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
- ... that if you hold a seashell to your ear at the beach, you can hear the ocean?
- ... that at the 2018 Grammy Awards ceremony, Beyoncé had an accent malfunction?
- ... WWII pocket battleship Admiral Graf Spee sank only one naval warship?
- ... and that it was itself?
- ... that GPSs accidentally dropped in the ocean have caused whales to become confused and try to migrate to Oklahoma?
- ... that in the dark, all cats are in the dark, too?
- ... that walking in the air will not make you fly in the moonlit sky?
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Recent deaths
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Today sucks because...
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May 13: Much Rejoicing Day (International)
- 28 – Jesus come home drunk at 3.45 in the morning, Mary wants him out of the house and get a job. There is much rejoicing.
- 29 – The Virgin Mary loses her virginity to the god from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. There is much rejoicing.
- 402 – Aliens land in South America, planning to meet up with the Aztecs but are several hundred years too early. There is much rejoicing by the Aztecs.
- 932 – Due to the strong Winter, Arthur and his men were forced to eat Robin's minstrels... and there was much rejoicing.
- 1568 – The forces of Mary Queen of Scotch are defeated by Irish Whiskey freedom–fighters. There is much rejoicing.
- 1776 – America is founded by Stephen Colbert. Ironically, he ventures on to making satire comments about himself. Obama is fucking pissed but who gives a damn? There is much rejoicing.
- 1846 – The United Spades of Amerika declares war on Mexico due to a shortage of taco sauce. There is some rejoicing, but not enough to be classified as "much" rejoicing.
- 1917 – Three peasant children claim to have seen a vision of the Virgin Mary near Fatima, Portugal. They deny it has anything to do with the marijuana they found growing there. There is much rejoicing.
- 1958 – John Velcro rubs a balloon on his head, sticks it to the wall. There is much rejoicing.
- 1966 – A Belgian boy described as a hero in a legendary prophesy is born. There is much rejoicing.
- 1968 – The Belgian boy described above dies of an HIV infection. There is still much rejoicing.
- 1969 – The Malays decided Chinese people should go back to their homeland (Tibet) and started killing them. About a billion Chinese people were sent to the hospital where they were actually killed because most hospitals at that time were operated by Malays. There is much rejoicing.
- 1973 – Prince Charles officially opens the first Kitten Molestation Contest. There is much rejoicing.
- 1992 – Sharon Stone gets laid on TV for the first time in history. There is much rejoicing.
- 2003 – Saturday Night Live is still on the air, despite protests and an economic blockade by Cuba. There is little rejoicing.
- 2002 – Keith Richards dies for the 38,763rd time. There is much rejoicing.
- 2004 – May 13, 2005 is celebrated on May 13,2004 by the National Time Travelers Club. There is much rejoicing.
- 2005 – The god from Monty Python and the Holy Grail sues eBay claiming that Virgin Mary on the grilled cheese sandwich that was sold for $80,000 was not a virgin after all. In a remote town in southern Zimbabwe, there is much rejoicing.
- 2008 – Dave Chappelle sues the Queen of England for using his copyrighted word BYAH. Howard Dean isn't amused either for he wanted to be the only one in politics saying it. James Madison returned to the throne as the President of the United States. There is much rejoicing.
- 2010 – Nuclear missiles are finally launched at Finland. There is much rejoicing.
- 2012 – People rejoice. There is much rejoicing.
- 2840 – Humans prove that their Civilization–Location–Time estimation technology is better then the aliens'. There is much rejoicing.
- Circa 5600 – The universe exploded due to too much rejoicing. There is much rejoicing.
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Today's featured artistry
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Poets of the Month
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Modusoperandi hunts down random, unfunny shit which he replaces with less-random, quasi-funny shit. Occasionally he gets up off his ass (or more correctly, sits down on it) and makes a page of his own, to which no one ever goes.
Recently he's been making pictures that people don't like and, having discovered UnNews, has been making fake news stories (rather than the fake regular stories that he normally makes).
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The Bard (baptised 26 April 1564 – died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language, and the world's preeminent dramatist. He wrote approximately 38 plays and 154 sonnets, as well as a variety of other poems. Already a popular writer in his own lifetime, the Bard became increasingly celebrated after his death and his work adulated by numerous prominent cultural figures through the centuries.
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Congratulations to Hardwick Fundlebuggy, our Poet of the Year, and Mhaille, our Self-harmer of the Year!
Vote for Poet of the Month | Vote for Loner of the Month | Vote for Self-harmer of the Month | Past Losers
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| Uncyclopedia is an independent humor writing project, a non-profitable cabal that also hosts a range of other projects.
This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 37,242 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
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