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Emopedia
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Welcome to Emopedia,
37,343 heart-rending poems in English
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Today's Message of pain
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Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.
It is the feeling that no one loves me.
Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of Teenaged Angst.
No one understands me.
No one loves me.
My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.
God, I hate them so much; the fakes.
The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care
All live in my iPod...
Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?
I'm not.
Not since she left me.
I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,
or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.
It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.
She was so much better than the girl last week.
I let her draw Xs and Cut Lines on my wrists in sharpie.
They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.
They are tempting me.
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Did you care...
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- ... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?
- ... that hitting the refresh button does not bring you a relaxing beverage when you are signed in?
- ... however, it will bring you a new clutch of Did You Know entries,
- ... thus suggesting you might be a masochist?
- ... that this is just a distraction while we take your car?
- ... children were golden in 1999 when bad kids were threatened with Jar Jar Binks figures for Christmas if they did not behave?
- ... Samuel L. Jackson or Scarlett Johansson have appeared in every minor and major Hollywood movie since 2017?
- ... if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
- ... Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
- ... you can't skip this GEICO ad, because it's already over?
- ... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
- ... that Cheetos never prosper?
- ... behind every successful man is a hairy ass?
- ... that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior?
- ... Hope springs eternal? Dammit, girl, can't you stand still for minute?
- ... that Uranus is a gas giant?
- ... that this statement is not not not not not not not not not not not possibly confusing to no one somewhere right now?
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Recent deaths
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Today sucks because...
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July 3: International Hot Pocket Day (pictured)
- 1775 - American Revolutionary War: George Washington goes to Cambridge, Massachusetts and takes command of the Continental Army, known for their delicious breakfasts.
- 1776 - The Declaration of Independence is peer reviewed.
- 1805 - Robert Fulton invents steam-powered toilet paper, to no avail.
- 1870 - Oscar Wilde graduates from Maudlin College, Oxford, with a double-first in modern classics and flower arranging.
- 1885 - "He who hath smelt it, dealt it" ruling in federal court sets new legal precedent.
- 1890 - The moderately severe United States Potato Shortage of the 1880s is resolved when Idaho is accepted as the 43rd U.S. state.
- 1939 - Coco Laboy, future Montreal Expos 3rd baseman and creator of the "daily double", is born.
- 1978 - Conceptual artist Humphrey Crawford exhibits his piece Oil, Urine and Diesel on Canvas.
- 1996 - Jeff Goldblum finally begins to figure out how to take down the aliens.
- 1983 - After a wild night of passion between a Pop Tart and a mediocre plate of Italian food, the Hot Pocket is conceived.
- 2005 - The Hot Pocket develops a strange illness and becomes Croissant Pocket.
- 2014 - Self-heating Hot Pockets with white phosphorus turn out to be extremely popular with arsonists but no one else.
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Today's featured artistry
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Poets of the Month
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Modusoperandi hunts down random, unfunny shit which he replaces with less-random, quasi-funny shit. Occasionally he gets up off his ass (or more correctly, sits down on it) and makes a page of his own, to which no one ever goes.
Recently he's been making pictures that people don't like and, having discovered UnNews, has been making fake news stories (rather than the fake regular stories that he normally makes).
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The Bard (baptised 26 April 1564 – died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language, and the world's preeminent dramatist. He wrote approximately 38 plays and 154 sonnets, as well as a variety of other poems. Already a popular writer in his own lifetime, the Bard became increasingly celebrated after his death and his work adulated by numerous prominent cultural figures through the centuries.
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Congratulations to Hardwick Fundlebuggy, our Poet of the Year, and Mhaille, our Self-harmer of the Year!
Vote for Poet of the Month | Vote for Loner of the Month | Vote for Self-harmer of the Month | Past Losers
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This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 37,343 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
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