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Emopedia
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Welcome to Emopedia,
37,409 heart-rending poems in English
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Today's Message of pain
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Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.
It is the feeling that no one loves me.
Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of Teenaged Angst.
No one understands me.
No one loves me.
My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.
God, I hate them so much; the fakes.
The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care
All live in my iPod...
Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?
I'm not.
Not since she left me.
I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,
or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.
It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.
She was so much better than the girl last week.
I let her draw Xs and Cut Lines on my wrists in sharpie.
They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.
They are tempting me.
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Did you care...
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- ... that incomplete sentences cause?
- ... that a hammer is a great diplomatic tool?
- ... although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better?
- ... Time travel from the US now requires screening by TSA agents?
- ... but that you can just skip forward in time and avoid it?
- ... Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle Is Partly Visible?
- ... that Yashasvi Jaiswal sold panipuri whilst living in a tent before he became the youngest List A double centurion in both cricket and snack food sales?
- ... that there is no other word for thesaurus?
- ... if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
- ... the Butterfly effect is making you read this entry? Pushy things, butterflies.
- ... that the great Wall Street Crash of 1929 led to many opportunities for great photography of homeless people and farmers covered in dust the following years?
- ... that a new broom sweeps clean but a Zamboni does it faster?
- ... in just one week you can learn the complete lyrics to the 1960s song Batman?
- ... that you can't wear my sweatshirt? It's mine!
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Recent deaths
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Today sucks because...
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October 10: Not-for-Turning Day, International Day of No Underwear
- 1582 - Pope Gregory XIII implements the Gregorian calendar while not wearing any underwear. He announces that turning is immoral.
- 1605 - Miguel Cervantes creates Donkey Kong. Unfortunately for him, Niccolo Machiavelli would always beat him for high score.
- 1807 - Canada defeats The Pirate Nation in the Canadian-Pirate War. Canada turns over a new leaf even though they're not supposed to turn...
- 1815 - Napoleon I of France begins his exile on St. Helena in the Atlantic Ocean. He forgets to pack any underwear. When it was his turn to attack, he refused, stating his famous catchphrase, "Turning will give you herpes."
- 1841 - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow writes the poem Excelsior, extolling the virtues of wood shavings.
- 1921 - Lana Turner is born and immediately gets into trouble.
- 1936 - The Ace Hardware chain is started by Walter Leatherface who really enjoys demonstrating the newly invented chainsaw.
- 1954 - The TV dinner is invented but is only available in black and white.
- 1955 - Jimi Hendrix is spawned from Buddy Holly's guitar and a rum-and-coke while illegally turning on the New Jersey Turnpike.
- 1962 - Transistors replace tubes in TV dinners.
- 1964 - The US destroyer USS Turner Joy lives up to her name by turning and starts the Tonkin Gulf Incident.
- 1975 - USA leads a search for a man named "Charlie" in Vietnam.
- 1980 - Margaret Thatcher declares that she is not for turning, despite the best attempts of pro-turning lobbyists.
- 1995 - Underwear outlawed in Paris. Jim Morrison turns in his grave.
- 2006 - North Korea tests nukes. In response, America builds comsat stations; Iran upgrades zealots; Afghanistan makes turning weapons that have no use.
- 2015 - George Bush dies from a serious case of turning.
- 2015 - Al Gore is arrested for the turning of an undisclosed ex-politician.
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Today's featured artistry
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Poets of the Month
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Modusoperandi hunts down random, unfunny shit which he replaces with less-random, quasi-funny shit. Occasionally he gets up off his ass (or more correctly, sits down on it) and makes a page of his own, to which no one ever goes.
Recently he's been making pictures that people don't like and, having discovered UnNews, has been making fake news stories (rather than the fake regular stories that he normally makes).
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The Bard (baptised 26 April 1564 – died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language, and the world's preeminent dramatist. He wrote approximately 38 plays and 154 sonnets, as well as a variety of other poems. Already a popular writer in his own lifetime, the Bard became increasingly celebrated after his death and his work adulated by numerous prominent cultural figures through the centuries.
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Congratulations to Hardwick Fundlebuggy, our Poet of the Year, and Mhaille, our Self-harmer of the Year!
Vote for Poet of the Month | Vote for Loner of the Month | Vote for Self-harmer of the Month | Past Losers
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| Uncyclopedia is an independent humor writing project, a non-profitable cabal that also hosts a range of other projects.
This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 37,409 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
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