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Emopedia
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Welcome to Emopedia,
37,328 heart-rending poems in English
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Today's Message of pain
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Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.
It is the feeling that no one loves me.
Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of Teenaged Angst.
No one understands me.
No one loves me.
My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.
God, I hate them so much; the fakes.
The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care
All live in my iPod...
Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?
I'm not.
Not since she left me.
I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,
or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.
It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.
She was so much better than the girl last week.
I let her draw Xs and Cut Lines on my wrists in sharpie.
They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.
They are tempting me.
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Did you care...
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- ... that a new broom sweeps clean but a Zamboni does it faster?
- ... showings of the movie Frozen 2 will require moviegoers to sit in a tub of liquid nitrogen for maximum effect?
- ... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
- ... your local restaurant "borrowed" its special recipe from the movie Pink Flamingos?
- ... that it's not butter?
- ... the Boy Scouts were actually a concept developed by Gen. Gordon at the siege of Khartoum? And since the scouts saw no boys in the Mahdi army, they failed to give an alarm and the British garrison was wiped out?
- ... what goes around, gets pretty dizzy after a while?
- ... Nature abhors a vacuum? So what about brooms?
- ... that you shouldn't count your chitlins before they are hatched?
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Recent deaths
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Today sucks because...
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May 6: No Pants Day (observed)
- 39 CE - Roman Emperor Caligula decrees No Pants Day with no one to wear pants under penalty of death. Only his horse Artax is allowed an exemption.
- 1186 - The art of making pants is lost in the West. Thousands die even on days that are just moderately breezy.
- 1527 - Spanish and German troops sack Rome, ending the Renaissance and the Era of Poofy Pants in one stroke.
- 1536 - King Henry VIII orders English language Bibles to be placed in every church, along with wooden crucifixes and stores of holy water, in efforts to stave off vampire invasions.
- 1866 - Oscar Wilde's short story A House of Pomegranates makes the first use of pie charts in known literature.
- 1882 - The United States Congress passes the Chinese Exclusion Act, followed shortly by the Colored Folk Rights Denial Bill.
- 1911 - Pharmacists invent eye bleach just in time for this year's No Pants Day.
- 1935 - Lawrence of Arabia endeavors to jump his motorcycle over the duck pond at Buckingham Palace. He is killed in the attempt due to an accident with a scarf dropped by Isadora Duncan.
- 1954 - Roger Bannister becomes the first human to run the mile in less than four minutes and also passes the subsequent tests for drug use and being a robot.
- 2007 - Queen Elizabeth stands in line with the great unwashed to place a bet on a bobtail nag running in the Kentuckistan Derby.
- 2010 - The general election is held in the UK. Everyone loses.
- 2012 - American Seymour Butts becomes the first man to cross the Atlantic in a badonkadonk.
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Today's featured artistry
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Poets of the Month
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Modusoperandi hunts down random, unfunny shit which he replaces with less-random, quasi-funny shit. Occasionally he gets up off his ass (or more correctly, sits down on it) and makes a page of his own, to which no one ever goes.
Recently he's been making pictures that people don't like and, having discovered UnNews, has been making fake news stories (rather than the fake regular stories that he normally makes).
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The Bard (baptised 26 April 1564 – died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language, and the world's preeminent dramatist. He wrote approximately 38 plays and 154 sonnets, as well as a variety of other poems. Already a popular writer in his own lifetime, the Bard became increasingly celebrated after his death and his work adulated by numerous prominent cultural figures through the centuries.
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Congratulations to Hardwick Fundlebuggy, our Poet of the Year, and Mhaille, our Self-harmer of the Year!
Vote for Poet of the Month | Vote for Loner of the Month | Vote for Self-harmer of the Month | Past Losers
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| Uncyclopedia is an independent humor writing project, a non-profitable cabal that also hosts a range of other projects.
This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 37,328 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
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