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Emopedia
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Welcome to Emopedia,
37,384 heart-rending poems in English
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Today's Message of pain
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Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.
It is the feeling that no one loves me.
Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of Teenaged Angst.
No one understands me.
No one loves me.
My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.
God, I hate them so much; the fakes.
The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care
All live in my iPod...
Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?
I'm not.
Not since she left me.
I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,
or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.
It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.
She was so much better than the girl last week.
I let her draw Xs and Cut Lines on my wrists in sharpie.
They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.
They are tempting me.
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Did you care...
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- ... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK PEPSI COLA
- ... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
- ... that a live action version of Steamboat Willie is set for release next summer?
- ... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
- ... Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
- ... that no one ever reads these sentences all the way to the end, except for a select few, who have the diligence and patience, and are bored enough, to read to the very end of these very long, dull and uninteresting sentences?
- ... people suffering from writer's block are usually very... something?
- ... that Every Good Boy Does Floccinaucinihilipilification?
- ... about this?
- ... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?
- ... that Mexican General Antonio de Padua María Severino López de Santa Anna y Pérez de Lebrón knew at least three people whose names began with the letter "L"?
- ... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
- ... if you feed a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but if you feed a man to a fish, you go to jail?
- ... that the Mayan colander was a drain on its civilization?
- ... the Boy Scouts were actually a concept developed by Gen. Gordon at the siege of Khartoum? And since the scouts saw no boys in the Mahdi army, they failed to give an alarm and the British garrison was wiped out?
- ... Nature abhors a vacuum? So what about brooms?
- ... that Wikipedia tells us that Drypetes gerrardii, a South African tree, was named after William Gerrard, a botanical collector active in the 1860s?
- ... and it is a contest to see which of us could care less?
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Recent deaths
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Today sucks because...
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January 7: International Insanity Day
- 788 - King Arthur has white wine with his lunch instead of red wine. The round table becomes concerned.
- 1938 - The League of Nations is destroyed by the Axis of Evil, going down in three straight sets.
- 1940 - France is destroyed by the Axis of Evil. Somehow, it only takes one set.
- 1943 - Nazi German troops under the command of Gen. Paulus surrender at Stalingrad after realizing they were wasting their time fighting over Russia of all places.
- 1961 - Willie Nelson writes the song Crazy, performed by Patsy Cline. Both would be put in straightjackets and given electroshock treatments for their efforts.
- 1977 - A chemical is derived that kills JFK again, revives Hitler's brain again, and taste like grape juice. Black Karl Marx is born. (pictured)
- 1894 - Thomas Edison makes a short film that consists solely of one person sneezing. He was ahead of his time.
- 2005 - Gnarls Barkley releases the song Crazy. The politically correct would protest the Willie Nelson song as being "insensitive", with the same people rating the Gnarls Barkley song as a "melodramatic triumph".
- 2007 - Everything begins to make sense now! Yay!
- 2008 - The Pope excommunicates water; his approval rating soars to 7 people.
- 2009 - Lethal Weapon 5 is released to the public, in which Riggs blows up random stuff in the name of God and a deceased Murtaugh rises from the grave to confirm that he is, conclusively, too old for this shit.
- 2021 - Trump describes Capitol building invaders and looters as "special people". Social media companies remove his microphone and his bullhorn.
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Today's featured artistry
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Poets of the Month
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Modusoperandi hunts down random, unfunny shit which he replaces with less-random, quasi-funny shit. Occasionally he gets up off his ass (or more correctly, sits down on it) and makes a page of his own, to which no one ever goes.
Recently he's been making pictures that people don't like and, having discovered UnNews, has been making fake news stories (rather than the fake regular stories that he normally makes).
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The Bard (baptised 26 April 1564 – died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language, and the world's preeminent dramatist. He wrote approximately 38 plays and 154 sonnets, as well as a variety of other poems. Already a popular writer in his own lifetime, the Bard became increasingly celebrated after his death and his work adulated by numerous prominent cultural figures through the centuries.
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Congratulations to Hardwick Fundlebuggy, our Poet of the Year, and Mhaille, our Self-harmer of the Year!
Vote for Poet of the Month | Vote for Loner of the Month | Vote for Self-harmer of the Month | Past Losers
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| Uncyclopedia is an independent humor writing project, a non-profitable cabal that also hosts a range of other projects.
This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 37,384 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
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Protected by the life-is-unfair Use Clause, and an elite clan of Goths.
