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Emopedia
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Welcome to Emopedia,
37,255 heart-rending poems in English
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Today's Message of pain
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Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.
It is the feeling that no one loves me.
Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of Teenaged Angst.
No one understands me.
No one loves me.
My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.
God, I hate them so much; the fakes.
The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care
All live in my iPod...
Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?
I'm not.
Not since she left me.
I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,
or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.
It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.
She was so much better than the girl last week.
I let her draw Xs and Cut Lines on my wrists in sharpie.
They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.
They are tempting me.
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Did you care...
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- ... if at first you don't succeed, keep hitting the refresh button?
- ... mnemonics now erase man's oldest nemesis, insufficient cerebral storage?
- ... that it wasn't a rock? It was a rock lobster.
- ... that Dog is offended by this statement?
- ... P.T. Barnum indeed said "There's a sucker born every minute" but that he was talking about aphids?
- ... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?
- ... that the parasitic wasp Lathrolestes luteolator has changed its host from the sawfly to Steve Harvey??
- ... about alliteration articulating an artistic approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accoutrements as alarmingly asinine alignments?
- ... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
- ... if you feed a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but if you feed a man to a fish, you go to jail?
- ... that one person can change the world?
- ... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
- ... that Alexander the Great would ride his horse in front of his troops before battle, so they would be so mad at having to march in horseshit they would be ready to fight anything and everything?
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Recent deaths
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Today sucks because...
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July 27: StarCraft Day (Korea), Nerdery Day (Internetopia)
- 7 BCE - The first computer is created using a yard of string, a goat, and three partially eaten kidney beans.
- 6 BCE - The first computer nerd (pictured) fixes a goat/bean compatibility issue on a local goatherd's new computer.
- 3 BCE - A computer nerd/farmer has sex with his goat causing string problems and generating large amounts of upchucked kidney beans, thus creating the first computer virus.
- 1 BCE - A child runs through a field and trips over a string where a vast network of stringed goats are being held. The chain reaction sets off an epidemic of bean-upchucking and goat-kicking that doesn't end until the goats are re-neutered and restrung.
- 500 - A woman proposes the use of thin strips of silicon to faciliate the use of micro-circuitry, halving computer sizes and doubling their speed. The woman is stoned to death then given a medal after being credited with the discovery of the breast implant. Male suicide rates are halved.
- 666 - Steve Jobs trades his soul to Satan for StarCraft, the first game capable of running on goats tied together with string. He goes on to invent Blizzard.
- 1000 - The Y1K Bug destroys computers, causing the human race to be enslaved by toasters. Later, someone pulls the plug on the toasters and the humans are freed, only to make more toasters.
- 2010 - StarCraft II is released to the public. Koreans everywhere rejoice except in North Korea, because of incompatibility with duck-powered computers.
- 2011 - Blizzard denies allegations that a third installment, StarCraft III, is under development. Koreans everywhere grieve.
- 2036 - StarCraft III is officially confirmed by Blizzard. Koreans everywhere rejoice except in North Korea, whose ducks have forgotten how to generate electricity.
- 2057 - The Japanese discover how to manufacture immortality out of panties and meth, and subsequently sell it from vending machines. Koreans steal the formula and take over the world.
- 2135 - StarCraft III is released. Walmart regains control of the world because Koreans are too busy playing the game.
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Today's featured artistry
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Poets of the Month
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Modusoperandi hunts down random, unfunny shit which he replaces with less-random, quasi-funny shit. Occasionally he gets up off his ass (or more correctly, sits down on it) and makes a page of his own, to which no one ever goes.
Recently he's been making pictures that people don't like and, having discovered UnNews, has been making fake news stories (rather than the fake regular stories that he normally makes).
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The Bard (baptised 26 April 1564 – died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language, and the world's preeminent dramatist. He wrote approximately 38 plays and 154 sonnets, as well as a variety of other poems. Already a popular writer in his own lifetime, the Bard became increasingly celebrated after his death and his work adulated by numerous prominent cultural figures through the centuries.
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Congratulations to Hardwick Fundlebuggy, our Poet of the Year, and Mhaille, our Self-harmer of the Year!
Vote for Poet of the Month | Vote for Loner of the Month | Vote for Self-harmer of the Month | Past Losers
Now you only have 4, yes 4 days to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month, GET VOTING!!
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| Uncyclopedia is an independent humor writing project, a non-profitable cabal that also hosts a range of other projects.
This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 37,255 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
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