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Emopedia
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Welcome to Emopedia,
37,369 heart-rending poems in English
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Today's Message of pain
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Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.
It is the feeling that no one loves me.
Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of Teenaged Angst.
No one understands me.
No one loves me.
My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.
God, I hate them so much; the fakes.
The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care
All live in my iPod...
Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?
I'm not.
Not since she left me.
I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,
or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.
It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.
She was so much better than the girl last week.
I let her draw Xs and Cut Lines on my wrists in sharpie.
They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.
They are tempting me.
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Did you care...
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- ... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?
- ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
- ... Fork Knife is a game about finding fine dining and making reservations during an apocalyptic Uncyclopedia split?
- ... and that the Battle Royale version has hundreds of Oscar Wildes throwing shade at each other?
- ... Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? GO AHEAD AND FART. NOBODY'S AROUND.
- ... what goes around, gets pretty dizzy after a while?
- ... historians agree that in the Battle of Solent (1510), warship HMS Mary Rose should not have tried to come about to starboard in strong gusts and instead should have made a left at Albuquerque?
- ... that a 40 foot tall pine tree is almost always taller than a 30 foot tall one?
- ... the inventor of the Nobel Prize invented the Nobel Prize so he could get a Nobel Prize for his invention of the Nobel Prize?
- ... goldfish have been found not to be particularly aggressive, yet they can often be found guarding a castle?
- ... Wikipedia has an article about potato production in Zimbabwe, leaving Uncyclopedia editors stunned?
- ... that if you hold a seashell to your ear, you can hear a hermit crab moving into your skull?
- ... that the light at the end of the tunnel is commonly reported to be a strobe light accented with techno?
- ... Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? GO AHEAD AND FART. NOBODY'S AROUND.
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Recent deaths
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Today sucks because...
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December 13: Speak with a British Accent Day (UK)
- 10000 BCE - Ug Nug Fug Nug is born, the famous musician responsible for the creation of the violin and other various sexually orientated musical instruments (i.e., the sexualin).
- 211 - Roman Emperor Septimius Severus dies at York from eating spotted dick, unaware that it needed to be taken out of the can first.
- 1067 - William the Conqueror invades the previously uninvaded British Aisles.
- 1580 - A frustrated Francis Drake returns to England after traveling the world to find a compatible power point for his Waffle iron.
- 1776 - Britain and its American colonies schedule a war over the word 'aluminium' even though neither has ever seen it.
- 1808 - Count Henrich von Flammenweffer invents lava as a way of preventing skiers from taking over his favourite mountains in the winter.
- 1852 - Elisha Otis invents the elevator in America and orders pour in from the UK. As people with posh accents there cannot pronounce 'elevator', they call it a 'wift' instead.
- 1942 - No people are born on December the 13th, due to National No-Birthdays Day. Experts attribute this phenomenon as having to do with a worldwide feeling of 'I don't feel like getting any ass today' in mid March.
- 1992 - Bob like pie.
- 2002 - Fraidai the 13th, Satan renames Hell to "Bloody Hell".
- 2003 - SARS becomes the new iPod.
- 2005 - On the twelfth day of Christmas, My true love gave to me, A summons from the local JP...
- 2008 - Uncyclopedia is teleported into an alternate universe where this sentence did not exist. It will be returned to normal just now.
- 2012 - Dyslexic people celebrate that the world didn't end with the Mayan calendar yesterday. Everyone else is still nervous.
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Today's featured artistry
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Poets of the Month
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Modusoperandi hunts down random, unfunny shit which he replaces with less-random, quasi-funny shit. Occasionally he gets up off his ass (or more correctly, sits down on it) and makes a page of his own, to which no one ever goes.
Recently he's been making pictures that people don't like and, having discovered UnNews, has been making fake news stories (rather than the fake regular stories that he normally makes).
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The Bard (baptised 26 April 1564 – died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language, and the world's preeminent dramatist. He wrote approximately 38 plays and 154 sonnets, as well as a variety of other poems. Already a popular writer in his own lifetime, the Bard became increasingly celebrated after his death and his work adulated by numerous prominent cultural figures through the centuries.
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Congratulations to Hardwick Fundlebuggy, our Poet of the Year, and Mhaille, our Self-harmer of the Year!
Vote for Poet of the Month | Vote for Loner of the Month | Vote for Self-harmer of the Month | Past Losers
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| Uncyclopedia is an independent humor writing project, a non-profitable cabal that also hosts a range of other projects.
This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 37,369 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
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Protected by the life-is-unfair Use Clause, and an elite clan of Goths.
