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Emopedia
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Welcome to Emopedia,
37,405 heart-rending poems in English
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Today's Message of pain
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Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.
It is the feeling that no one loves me.
Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of Teenaged Angst.
No one understands me.
No one loves me.
My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.
God, I hate them so much; the fakes.
The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care
All live in my iPod...
Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?
I'm not.
Not since she left me.
I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,
or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.
It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.
She was so much better than the girl last week.
I let her draw Xs and Cut Lines on my wrists in sharpie.
They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.
They are tempting me.
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Did you care...
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- ... that you have probably broken at least three of the Ten Commandments just by visiting this website?
- ... that ostriches do not stick their heads in the ground but in molten lava? This explains why they are not found on the island of Hawaii.
- ... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?
- ... P.T. Barnum indeed said "There's a sucker born every minute" but that he was talking about aphids?
- ... that Wright-Patterson Air Force Base is home to a heavily guarded repository of bad puns?
- ... that you should not cross a bridge before it is hatched?
- ... the sponge was the highest form of life in the early Cambrian period?
- ... that a 40 foot tall pine tree is almost always taller than a 30 foot tall one?
- ... Edward Scissorhands was never capable of running with scissors, much less a scissor?
- ... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
- ... if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
- ... the Earth is indeed hollow, but you might fall off the edge trying to find the entrance?
- ... the person that was sitting next to you and jerking off during fire scenes in Only the Brave just might have been a pyromaniac?
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Recent deaths
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Today sucks because...
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June 13: Double Entendre Day *wink wink*
- 1891 - A horse walks into a bar for first time. Historians are not sure if he was a little horse.
- 1898 - A chicken "crosses the road" for the first time, but the event goes unnoticed by the media except for the news truck that ran it over.
- 1954 - A priest, rabbi and a minister walk into a bar, an event also unnoticed by media due to lame double entendre jokes that follow.
- 1955 - Martin McFly goes "back to the future" where things are "heavy" and Oedipal projection problems develop, requiring playing of Johnny B. Goode before it is written.
- 1956 - The word "whoa" is uttered the first time in history by a man seeing the worlds most beautiful woman completely naked being eaten by a giant robot octopus skateboarding out of a burning helicopter.
- 1967 - Thurgood Marshall "joins" the Supremes. The newly augmented group shortly releases their next album, For Great Justice.
- 1974 - A blonde agrees to a double entendre on the condition that all participants use protection.
- 1979 - George Lucas "releases" his biggest movie.
- 1981 - Quotation marks become "compulsory" to denote double entendres. Everybody "agrees" to this new law. Some "people" oppose the "abuse" of the "quotation" mark, obtaining a null "support" from the media (wink, wink, double wink).
- 1982 - Magic Johnson "roots" Yao Ming, gets AIDS.
- 1983 - Pioneer 10 becomes the first "man-made" object" to "pass the orbit" of Pluto. Uncyclopedian avoids easy Uranus joke.
- 1985 - Martin McFly comes "back from the future". Girlfriend "likes his truck" and McFly "gets his truck waxed".
- 1997 - A woman enters into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. And the barman "gives her one".
- 2000 - World's first self-reflexive "double entendre" is created.
- 2000 - George W. Bush makes one of his hundreds of speeches to "help" America (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).
- 2004 - A woman pulls in to a gas station and asks the attendant to "fill her up". Attendant sells her some petrol. Opportunity for double entendre is missed, attendant is lynched.
- 2005 - Captain Crunch "promoted" to admiral for "services" to the nation.
- 2007 - A woman walks into a bar, but faints before the barman can make a double entendre. Woman is taken to hospital. Doctor tries desperately to save the double entendre that could have been, but sadly fails and the woman dies.
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Today's featured artistry
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Poets of the Month
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Modusoperandi hunts down random, unfunny shit which he replaces with less-random, quasi-funny shit. Occasionally he gets up off his ass (or more correctly, sits down on it) and makes a page of his own, to which no one ever goes.
Recently he's been making pictures that people don't like and, having discovered UnNews, has been making fake news stories (rather than the fake regular stories that he normally makes).
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The Bard (baptised 26 April 1564 – died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language, and the world's preeminent dramatist. He wrote approximately 38 plays and 154 sonnets, as well as a variety of other poems. Already a popular writer in his own lifetime, the Bard became increasingly celebrated after his death and his work adulated by numerous prominent cultural figures through the centuries.
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Congratulations to Hardwick Fundlebuggy, our Poet of the Year, and Mhaille, our Self-harmer of the Year!
Vote for Poet of the Month | Vote for Loner of the Month | Vote for Self-harmer of the Month | Past Losers
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| Uncyclopedia is an independent humor writing project, a non-profitable cabal that also hosts a range of other projects.
This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 37,405 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
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