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Emopedia
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Welcome to Emopedia,
37,238 heart-rending poems in English
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Today's Message of pain
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Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.
It is the feeling that no one loves me.
Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of Teenaged Angst.
No one understands me.
No one loves me.
My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.
God, I hate them so much; the fakes.
The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care
All live in my iPod...
Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?
I'm not.
Not since she left me.
I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,
or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.
It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.
She was so much better than the girl last week.
I let her draw Xs and Cut Lines on my wrists in sharpie.
They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.
They are tempting me.
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Did you care...
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- ... Ven de Moon is full, Lahry Talbot becomes a Vere Volf?
- ... that if you hold a seashell to your ear, you can hear a hermit crab moving into your skull?
- ... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
- ... the inventor of the Nobel Prize invented the Nobel Prize so he could get a Nobel Prize for his invention of the Nobel Prize?
- ... one of the great ironies of the Crimean War was that the Earl of Sandwich's troops were constantly sandwiched between Russian artillery and cavalry?
- ... and that Lord Raglan had nothing up his sleeve?
- ... that you use only 10% of your brain?
- ... and everyone else uses 100%?
- ... the number of users the admins have banned is considered the largest countable number since 1998?
- ... that wearing a top hat is not only a sound fashion choice, it gives you somewhere to hide candy?
- ... that during his tragically brief lifetime, Harambe the Silverback Gorilla penned 19 novels and 74 short stories under the pseudonyms Stephenie Meyer and Christine Schutt?
- ... that explorer Robert Peary, first to reach the North Pole except for seals and whales, also was first to reach the West Pole that no one knew existed?
- ... goldfish have been found not to be particularly aggressive, yet they can often be found guarding a castle?
- ... Uncyclopedia prefer to use cats instead of dogs for data retrieval for references?
- ... and this explains why most of its articles don't have references?
- ... that this statement is not not not not not not not not not not not possibly confusing to no one somewhere right now?
- ... Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK IRN-BRU, YA DOBBER YOU
- ... that torture is better to give than to receive?
- ... that you shouldn't count your chitlins before they are hatched?
- ... that the amount of cats in the area is directly proportionate to the distance from the Hot Dog factory?
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Recent deaths
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Today sucks because...
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April 19: Clitoris Awareness Day, among gamers known as Explosion Day
- 30,000 BCE - The first clitoris is born.
- 1559 - University of Padua, Italy recognizes the clitoris' existence.
- 1775 - In a New York study on human sexual behavior, researches find the clitoris to be more important to female sexual pleasure than the actual vagina. Men with small penises find new hope.
- 1907 - The first vibrator is introduced in France.
- 1913 - The sale of vibrators are banned in France, due to electrical grid overload issues.
- 1941 - Roberto Carlos, formerly Brazil's greatest manwhore (presently a widower), is born in Cachoeiro de Itapemirim. Many clitorii become excited.
- 1957 - Oral sex becomes a popular alternative to intercourse. Condom sales decline.
- 1969 - Clitoris piercing becomes a popular fad with the exception of the 10 kilo (22 lb.) dogbone style.
- 1998 - Windows 98 is released. Memory leaks in the OS cause Bill Gates to be declared the "World's Biggest Clitoris". (pictured)
- 1990 - Clinton has oral sex with two girls from next door, their mothers, their aunts, and every female in the local phone book up to the letter "G".
- 2007 - Wikipedia celebrates The First Ever International Main Page Huffing Day.
- 2007 - Aperture Science launches their Bring-Your-Daughter-to-Work Day, which is the perfect time to have her tested for STDs.
- 2011 - Aperture Science launches a new official holiday, supposedly better than Christmas. Due to the large numbers of explosions during the destruction of their facilities, the day is named Explosion Day. Nobody knows why.
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Today's featured artistry
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Poets of the Month
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Modusoperandi hunts down random, unfunny shit which he replaces with less-random, quasi-funny shit. Occasionally he gets up off his ass (or more correctly, sits down on it) and makes a page of his own, to which no one ever goes.
Recently he's been making pictures that people don't like and, having discovered UnNews, has been making fake news stories (rather than the fake regular stories that he normally makes).
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The Bard (baptised 26 April 1564 – died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language, and the world's preeminent dramatist. He wrote approximately 38 plays and 154 sonnets, as well as a variety of other poems. Already a popular writer in his own lifetime, the Bard became increasingly celebrated after his death and his work adulated by numerous prominent cultural figures through the centuries.
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Congratulations to Hardwick Fundlebuggy, our Poet of the Year, and Mhaille, our Self-harmer of the Year!
Vote for Poet of the Month | Vote for Loner of the Month | Vote for Self-harmer of the Month | Past Losers
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| Uncyclopedia is an independent humor writing project, a non-profitable cabal that also hosts a range of other projects.
This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 37,238 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
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