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Emopedia
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Welcome to Emopedia,
37,353 heart-rending poems in English
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Today's Message of pain
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Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.
It is the feeling that no one loves me.
Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of Teenaged Angst.
No one understands me.
No one loves me.
My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.
God, I hate them so much; the fakes.
The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care
All live in my iPod...
Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?
I'm not.
Not since she left me.
I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,
or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.
It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.
She was so much better than the girl last week.
I let her draw Xs and Cut Lines on my wrists in sharpie.
They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.
They are tempting me.
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Did you care...
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- ... that since many hands make light work, workers at nuclear power plants are encouraged to grow extras?
- ... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
- ... that there is no other word for thesaurus?
- ... the great idea you had last week was already thought up by Elon Musk and will soon be realized on Mars?
- ... the British can eat all they want? They measure weight in stones, and lighter stones are used to adjust their numbers.
- ... that censorship is a tactic practiced by oppressive governments who believe in upholding an arbitrary social standard for the so-called "good of the people" while simultaneously imposing their peremptory moral values on their unwilling populace by dictating what is and what is not necessary for them to experience?
- ... the great idea you had last week was already thought up by Elon Musk and will soon be realized on Mars?
- ... water has been found on the surface of Mars?
- ... that Dog is offended by this statement?
- ... WWII pocket battleship Admiral Graf Spee sank only one naval warship?
- ... and that it was itself?
- ... that since north is an impossible direction at the North pole, the latter should be called Not the North pole pole?
- ... thanks to a transporter accident, the joke about suicide bombers' 72 virgins being Star Trek geeks is older than Islam?
- ... that Forrest Fenn buried treasure worth over $1 million in the Rocky Mountains?
- ... and it was found by billionaire Paul Allen who used it to buy socks and nose hair clippers?
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Recent deaths
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Today sucks because...
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 This sign was erected on October 20th...no, wait, it was the 21st. Never mind. October 20: Run Out of Ideas for Uncyclopedia Anniversaries Day
- 1735 - A French pot head trips on the remains of Napoleon, nobody gives a damn except for a very young Keith Richards.
- 1846 - Engrish troops invade Minnesota, realize they took a wrong turn on the way to France and turn around. Indians scalp and rape several. Queen Victoria then leads the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers in revenge raids after defeating Batman and UltraZachary Taylor.
- 1864 - Abraham Lincoln issues the Emancipation Proclamation as a joke; unfortunately, nobody gets it.
- 1965 - A flying saucer lands in California, Scientology briefly becomes popular, at least until the government fire bombs all the celebrities. A massive cover up ensues but is discovered by an intrepid pair of FBI agents, Yogi and Boo Boo.
- 1969 - Oscar Wilde is discovered painting a mosaic of Islamic extremists with his urine. Extremists eat sacred cows in retaliation. Gandhi is shocked and appalled, the movie Gandhi II is released as a result of real world events.
- 1980 - The world is taken over by the governmen... er... um... Hey guys, how are you? What with those guns pointed at my head? Everything suddenly turns black. I awaken in a dimly lit room with only a hamster turning a wheel. The hamster stops and says, "You have just won $1 million in the American Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!" I wake up and it's only a dream! I open the paper and see the world is taken over by the governmen... er... um... Hey guys, how are you?...
- 1982 - Mount St. Helens erupts in Washington, killing several million hikers and causing US$390 trillion in damage. Government cover up of the tragedy includes flying monkeys with super-soakers.
- 1988 - Two U.S. Army roflcopters collide in Fort Campbell, Kentucky, killing 1337 squirrels.
- 1990 - South Korean scientists recreate Mohammed from cloned DNA of a chihuahua. The world falls into darkness.
- π - The US Supreme Court declares that π has just as much of a right to be a year as any other year and declares the next 20 years to be the year π as back pay for this injustice over two millennia old.
- 2012 - The apocalypse at the end of the world as opposed to the apocalypse at the beginning is discovered to have been caused by Unyclopedia running out of ideas for anniversaries. Mission accomplished.
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Today's featured artistry
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Poets of the Month
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Modusoperandi hunts down random, unfunny shit which he replaces with less-random, quasi-funny shit. Occasionally he gets up off his ass (or more correctly, sits down on it) and makes a page of his own, to which no one ever goes.
Recently he's been making pictures that people don't like and, having discovered UnNews, has been making fake news stories (rather than the fake regular stories that he normally makes).
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The Bard (baptised 26 April 1564 – died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language, and the world's preeminent dramatist. He wrote approximately 38 plays and 154 sonnets, as well as a variety of other poems. Already a popular writer in his own lifetime, the Bard became increasingly celebrated after his death and his work adulated by numerous prominent cultural figures through the centuries.
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Congratulations to Hardwick Fundlebuggy, our Poet of the Year, and Mhaille, our Self-harmer of the Year!
Vote for Poet of the Month | Vote for Loner of the Month | Vote for Self-harmer of the Month | Past Losers
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| Uncyclopedia is an independent humor writing project, a non-profitable cabal that also hosts a range of other projects.
This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 37,353 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
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