Today's Message of pain
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Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.
It is the feeling that no one loves me.
Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of Teenaged Angst.
No one understands me.
No one loves me.
My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.
God, I hate them so much; the fakes.
The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care
All live in my iPod...
Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?
I'm not.
Not since she left me.
I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,
or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.
It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.
She was so much better than the girl last week.
I let her draw Xs and Cut Lines on my wrists in sharpie.
They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.
They are tempting me.
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Did you care...
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- ... water has been found on the surface of Mars?
- ... Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? MOVE BACK INTO SURVEILLANCE CAMERA RANGE
- ... that the amount of cats in the area is directly proportionate to the distance from the Hot Dog factory?
- ... if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
- ... water has been found on the surface of Mars?
- ... there is no truth to the rumour that Candlejack kidnaps people who sa
- ... the Butterfly effect is making you read this entry? Pushy things, butterflies.
- ... that intellectual theft refers to the stealing of one's ideas, not his IQ points?
- ... Aabye is a popular Danish name, with over a thousand people named Aabye Normal?
- ... the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?
- ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
- ... that Tetris is generally considered to be the cause of the collapse of the USSR?
- ... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?
- ... that no one ever reads these sentences all the way to the end, except for a select few, who have the diligence and patience, and are bored enough, to read to the very end of these very long, dull and uninteresting sentences?
- ... in just one week you can learn the complete lyrics to the 1960s song Tequila?
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Recent deaths
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Today sucks because...
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July 4: Will Smith Day (USA), American Independence Day (most other countries)
- 2000 BCE - An ageing Conan the Barbarian notices that his thews aren't as mighty as they used to be. Depressed, he eats a carton of ice cream, and washes it down with bourbon.
- 476 - Paralyzed by infighting and an inability to govern, the Roman Empire and senate collapses. This would later be replaced by the Italian republic and its legislature, paralyzed by infighting and an inability to govern.
- c.850 - China plays the long game by inventing gunpowder and fireworks so that America will destroy itself by fire or explosion.
- 993 - Saint Skeet Ulrich of Augsburg is canonized. Unfortunately, they used too much powder and he overshoots the catch net.
- 1365 - Barbara Cartland writes her first romance novel, Twilight.
- 1776 - King George III receives a letter from the colonies; throws it out thinking that it's yet another menu from a pizza restaurant.
- 1862 - Abraham Lincoln proclaims an end to the American Civil War. He waits a moment, then yells "Psych!"
- 1917 - American troops in Flanders attempt to recreate the famous Christmas Truce of 1914 by holding a 4th of July barbeque in No Man's Land. The results are predictable.
- 1969 - Birth of Will Smith. The world rejoices. Warring forces in Vietnam, Czechoslovakia and Detroit lay down their arms, and join together in ushering in the new Golden Age of Mankind.
- 1996 - Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum save the world by infecting the alien mothership with a computer virus, thus continuing the time-honored tradition of infections saving the world from aliens. Will Smith tries to take all the credit, but Jeff Goldblum threatens to sic his Jewish father on him.
- 2001 - While Will Smith is busy getting jiggy wit it, aliens from the Andromeda galaxy invade the Earth and install George W. Bush as president.
- 2007 - You sit at a computer. Why not go outside and get some fresh air? And watch the stars, the sky, and that huge metal ball that somehow didn't hit that comet but changed its path towards you? Yeah, it's following you. Get an umbrella or go to the subways.
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Poets of the Month
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Modusoperandi hunts down random, unfunny shit which he replaces with less-random, quasi-funny shit. Occasionally he gets up off his ass (or more correctly, sits down on it) and makes a page of his own, to which no one ever goes.
Recently he's been making pictures that people don't like and, having discovered UnNews, has been making fake news stories (rather than the fake regular stories that he normally makes).
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The Bard (baptised 26 April 1564 – died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language, and the world's preeminent dramatist. He wrote approximately 38 plays and 154 sonnets, as well as a variety of other poems. Already a popular writer in his own lifetime, the Bard became increasingly celebrated after his death and his work adulated by numerous prominent cultural figures through the centuries.
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Congratulations to Hardwick Fundlebuggy, our Poet of the Year, and Mhaille, our Self-harmer of the Year!
Vote for Poet of the Month | Vote for Loner of the Month | Vote for Self-harmer of the Month | Past Losers
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