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Emopedia
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Welcome to Emopedia,
37,292 heart-rending poems in English
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Today's Message of pain
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Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.
It is the feeling that no one loves me.
Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of Teenaged Angst.
No one understands me.
No one loves me.
My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.
God, I hate them so much; the fakes.
The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care
All live in my iPod...
Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?
I'm not.
Not since she left me.
I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,
or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.
It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.
She was so much better than the girl last week.
I let her draw Xs and Cut Lines on my wrists in sharpie.
They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.
They are tempting me.
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Did you care...
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- ... that explorer Robert Peary, first to reach the North Pole except for seals and whales, also was first to reach the West Pole that no one knew existed?
- ... the Ronco Pocket Fisherman lets you go fishing anytime in your jacket pocket?
- ... and it can also be used to play pocket pool?
- ... but wait, there's more...
- ... an apple a day keeps the doctor away if thrown hard enough?
- ... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
- ... that Cirno will always be the strongest, beating the nuclear raven?
- ... Ven de Moon is full, Lahry Talbot becomes a Vere Volf?
- ... that 9/11 might not have ever happened if dates had not been invented?
- ... I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. DeMille.
- ... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians?
- ... turtles can run at top speeds of 87 miles per hour, but only in short bursts?
- ... that Killing Joke, the band that performed the song Eighties, are now in their eighties?
- ... Time travel from the US now requires screening by TSA agents?
- ... but that you can just skip forward in time and avoid it?
- ... that in the dark, all cats are in the dark, too?
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Recent deaths
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Today sucks because...
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December 21: Personal Hygiene Day
- 678 BCE - Sodomy discovered in Greece.
- 677 BCE - Death penalty instituted in Greece.
- 477 BCE - Stinky Greek hobo Socrates roams the streets of fudge-packing Athens, claiming he knows nothing. As a result, the goofy Greeks regard him as the greatest sage that ever lived.
- 322 BCE - Megalomaniac Alexander the Great outs himself. In a letter to Aristotle, he confesses that the smell of male toil "turns him on".
- 1500 - The Middle Ages officially end; Europeans can finally start taking care of their personal hygiene little by little.
- 1939 - Hitler invades France. After realizing he would never make them wash he turned toward Russia.
- 1967 - The interrobang is discovered. The horrible revelation drives its discoverer instantly insane.
- 1979 - Star Wars Episode XXXIV: The Rising of Darth Leia is released. George Lucas blames dirty, smelly theaters for the low turnout.
- 1982 - Sudan wins "Least Hygienic Country In The World Competition" for the first time. The African country has held the title ever since.
- 1984 - The first horseman of the apocalypse descends to herald the coming tribulations, but no one notices apart from Noel Fielding, a homeless alcoholic from Brighton, England.
- 2004 - Barry Scott surpasses Batman as the Queen of Clean with Clitoris Bang.
- 2005 - The Bermuda Triangle mysteriously disappears.
- 2006 - Personal hygiene is forced upon France by new EU ruling. The French promptly withdraw from the EU. All traces of the bathtub are destroyed and the French quickly return to smelling of bad cheese and garlic.
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Today's featured artistry
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Poets of the Month
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Modusoperandi hunts down random, unfunny shit which he replaces with less-random, quasi-funny shit. Occasionally he gets up off his ass (or more correctly, sits down on it) and makes a page of his own, to which no one ever goes.
Recently he's been making pictures that people don't like and, having discovered UnNews, has been making fake news stories (rather than the fake regular stories that he normally makes).
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The Bard (baptised 26 April 1564 – died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language, and the world's preeminent dramatist. He wrote approximately 38 plays and 154 sonnets, as well as a variety of other poems. Already a popular writer in his own lifetime, the Bard became increasingly celebrated after his death and his work adulated by numerous prominent cultural figures through the centuries.
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Congratulations to Hardwick Fundlebuggy, our Poet of the Year, and Mhaille, our Self-harmer of the Year!
Vote for Poet of the Month | Vote for Loner of the Month | Vote for Self-harmer of the Month | Past Losers
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| Uncyclopedia is an independent humor writing project, a non-profitable cabal that also hosts a range of other projects.
This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 37,292 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
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