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Emopedia
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Welcome to Emopedia,
37,352 heart-rending poems in English
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Today's Message of pain
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Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.
It is the feeling that no one loves me.
Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of Teenaged Angst.
No one understands me.
No one loves me.
My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.
God, I hate them so much; the fakes.
The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care
All live in my iPod...
Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?
I'm not.
Not since she left me.
I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,
or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.
It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.
She was so much better than the girl last week.
I let her draw Xs and Cut Lines on my wrists in sharpie.
They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.
They are tempting me.
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Did you care...
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- ... that a hammer is a great diplomatic tool?
- ... although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better?
- ... that hitting the refresh button does not bring you a relaxing beverage when you are signed in?
- ... however, it will bring you a new clutch of Did You Know entries,
- ... thus suggesting you might be a masochist?
- ... behind every successful man is a hairy ass?
- ... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
- ... the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?
- ... about alliteration articulating an artistic approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accoutrements as alarmingly asinine alignments?
- ... to the untrained ear, John Aglethorpe's Ode to the Monotony of Life may simply sound like one continuous, monotonous tone, but the song is actually composed mostly of alterations between the A sharp and B flat notes tied together?
- ... that space is just a money-making scheme by NASA?
- ... that I like cats, but could never eat a whole one?
- ... if you feed a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but if you feed a man to a fish, you go to jail?
- ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
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Recent deaths
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Today sucks because...
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September 17: Horny Toad and Human Day, Hypnotic Sex Change Day
- 2,000,000 BCE - A primate ancestor to humans steals the first peach, thus inventing the awkward mixing of horniness and disturbing violence.
- 1,000,000 BCE - First human discovers horniness.
- 1787 - Several horny old men sign the Constitution of the Untied Spades of Amerika.
- 1800 - Sigmund Freud hypnotizes Carl Jung into believing he is a French hooker. Unfortunately, she is an expensive one, and Sigmund Freud goes bankrupt.
- 1801 - Jung hypnotizes Freud into believing he is Marie Antoinette.
- 1802 - Sigmund Freud exacts his revenge by hypnotizing Carl Jung into thinking he is Princess Leia.
- 1803 - Jung hypnotizes Freud into believing he is a Swiss milkmaid who has married him. Nine months later, Freud inexplicably gives birth to a basketball.
- 1804 - Jung divorces Freud, and receives the entire estate in the settlement.
- 1900 - The world's 1 trillionth human orgasm (but only the 84,379th female orgasm) occurs in Plovdiv, Bulgaria.
- 1932 - New state
phallic symbols capitol buildings are dedicated in Nebraska, Louisiana.
- 1954 - The first drive-in gay porn theatre debuts in San Francisco; Joseph McCarthy hosts ribbon-cutting ceremony.
- 1975 - The world's tallest free-standing phallic symbol, the CN Tower, is completed in Toronto.
- 1993 - Debbie does Dallas, Ohio and New Orleans.
- 2005 - Research shows that Uncyclopedians are more virile than Wikipedians.
- 2006 - Osama bin Laden found in bed in a Motel 6 with a horny goat. The goat moves to Pakistan to escape the press, but bin Laden follows him.
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Today's featured artistry
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Poets of the Month
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Modusoperandi hunts down random, unfunny shit which he replaces with less-random, quasi-funny shit. Occasionally he gets up off his ass (or more correctly, sits down on it) and makes a page of his own, to which no one ever goes.
Recently he's been making pictures that people don't like and, having discovered UnNews, has been making fake news stories (rather than the fake regular stories that he normally makes).
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The Bard (baptised 26 April 1564 – died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language, and the world's preeminent dramatist. He wrote approximately 38 plays and 154 sonnets, as well as a variety of other poems. Already a popular writer in his own lifetime, the Bard became increasingly celebrated after his death and his work adulated by numerous prominent cultural figures through the centuries.
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Congratulations to Hardwick Fundlebuggy, our Poet of the Year, and Mhaille, our Self-harmer of the Year!
Vote for Poet of the Month | Vote for Loner of the Month | Vote for Self-harmer of the Month | Past Losers
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| Uncyclopedia is an independent humor writing project, a non-profitable cabal that also hosts a range of other projects.
This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 37,352 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
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Protected by the life-is-unfair Use Clause, and an elite clan of Goths.
