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Emopedia
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Welcome to Emopedia,
37,350 heart-rending poems in English
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Today's Message of pain
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Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.
It is the feeling that no one loves me.
Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of Teenaged Angst.
No one understands me.
No one loves me.
My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.
God, I hate them so much; the fakes.
The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care
All live in my iPod...
Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?
I'm not.
Not since she left me.
I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,
or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.
It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.
She was so much better than the girl last week.
I let her draw Xs and Cut Lines on my wrists in sharpie.
They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.
They are tempting me.
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Did you care...
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- ... that Kanye persuaded Kim Kardashian to make Mastercard famous?
- ... that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
- ... that since north is an impossible direction at the North pole, the latter should be called Not the North pole pole?
- ... cats smuggled into screenings of The Black Panther only gave it a rating of 65% on Metacritic?
- ... the 400m (1300 ft.) Wichnor Viaduct was built to carry the materials needed for its own construction?
- ... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
- ... the reason for 50% of modern marriages ending in divorce is because those people try to go to IKEA together for a relaxing afternoon?
- ... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
- ... that Dog is offended by this statement?
- ... that if Robert Plant heard Stairway to Heaven on the radio, he would sing along?
- ... behind every successful man is a hairy ass?
- ... the reason for 50% of modern marriages ending in divorce is because those people try to go to IKEA together for a relaxing afternoon?
- ... there is no truth to the rumour that Candlejack kidnaps people who sa
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Recent deaths
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Today sucks because...
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October 7: International Juvenile Penile Obsession Day
- 1512 - Cockfighting is invented by Goorg, a Turkish peasant in Asia Minor. Confusion reigns as roosters square off against genitalia.
- 1655 - The Kingdom of Russia builds penile colonies in Siberia, considered by historians to be a ballsy move.
- 1947 - Engrand is set up, a few years before spell check is invented.
- 1949 - Yet another pinko commie country is spawned for a few brief years before being tossed back to Germany and laughed at.
- 1959 - Simon Cowell, English recording executive and television judge is born. The doctors who brought him into the world have since fled to remote regions after subsequent death threats.
- 1960 - Kennedy and Nixon debate the Cold War and penis length in the second of four scheduled debates.
- 1970 - Dick Nixon announces he has a penis and launches a new five-point peace proposal to end the Vietnam War.
- 1980 - Ronald Reagan announces his plans to resolve the energy crisis and hostage situation in the Middle East by "whipping it out". Reagan wins the erection.
- 1997 - The song Detachable Penis becomes a solid gold, rock-hard hit for a few minutes.
- 2001 - U.S. invades Afghanistan with an air assault, to eradicate all small penises.
- 2003 - California Governor Gray Davis loses his penis and it is replaced by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
- 2007 - Actor Daniel Radcliffe, concerning a penis-enhancement e-mail, sues "that guy who keeps offering to make my penis larger" for sexual harassment; "that guy", who turns out to be Jesus, claims to have been trying to work on his miracle-performing skills.
- 2009 - The Nigerian inheritance scam is combined with a penis enlargement system and a free iPhone offer and everyone gets it in the crown jewels.
- 2024 - World War three starts in Gaza.
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Today's featured artistry
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Poets of the Month
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Modusoperandi hunts down random, unfunny shit which he replaces with less-random, quasi-funny shit. Occasionally he gets up off his ass (or more correctly, sits down on it) and makes a page of his own, to which no one ever goes.
Recently he's been making pictures that people don't like and, having discovered UnNews, has been making fake news stories (rather than the fake regular stories that he normally makes).
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The Bard (baptised 26 April 1564 – died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language, and the world's preeminent dramatist. He wrote approximately 38 plays and 154 sonnets, as well as a variety of other poems. Already a popular writer in his own lifetime, the Bard became increasingly celebrated after his death and his work adulated by numerous prominent cultural figures through the centuries.
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Congratulations to Hardwick Fundlebuggy, our Poet of the Year, and Mhaille, our Self-harmer of the Year!
Vote for Poet of the Month | Vote for Loner of the Month | Vote for Self-harmer of the Month | Past Losers
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| Uncyclopedia is an independent humor writing project, a non-profitable cabal that also hosts a range of other projects.
This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 37,350 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
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Protected by the life-is-unfair Use Clause, and an elite clan of Goths.
