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Emopedia
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Welcome to Emopedia,
37,350 heart-rending poems in English
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Today's Message of pain
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Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.
It is the feeling that no one loves me.
Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of Teenaged Angst.
No one understands me.
No one loves me.
My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.
God, I hate them so much; the fakes.
The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care
All live in my iPod...
Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?
I'm not.
Not since she left me.
I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,
or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.
It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.
She was so much better than the girl last week.
I let her draw Xs and Cut Lines on my wrists in sharpie.
They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.
They are tempting me.
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Did you care...
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- ... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians?
- ... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
- ... the Channel Islands exist in a time-space warp that allow them to appear in the English Channel and off the coast of California at the same time?
- ... the Order of St. John is the #4 platter, to go?
- ... that Dog is offended by this statement?
- ... that Martin Van Buren is a total dick and nobody likes him?
- ... that witch-hunting for fun and profit has mostly turned into witch-hunting for fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
- ... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
- ... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
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Recent deaths
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Today sucks because...
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August 22: Obvious Day (24-hour period to celebrate the recognition of things which are readily apparent)
- 1453 - Battle of Bosworth sees king Richard III lose his shit and his shirt against Henry Tudor.
- 1492 - First encounter between Native Americans and Europeans. "I think these guys are up to no good," the local shaman remarks after being promptly shot.
- 1622 - The toaster is invented but it would be over 150 years before it would be given a name.
- 1717 - Spanish troops land on Sardinia. Having forgotten the can opener, they promptly leave.
- 1939 - The Third Reich and the Nazis continue their march across Europe. This is bad.
- 1940 - As the Germans invade Belgium in WWII, some guy thought "This seems somehow familiar."
- 1945 - Nazis defeated. This is good.
- 1948 - Jewish state of Israel founded in the predominantly Arab Middle East. This will later cause problems.
- 1953 - Hundreds rush out to buy the sheet music for John Cage's 4' 33".
- 1966 - Captain Obvious is born. Doctor proclaims, "It's a boy," because the child has a penis.
- 1973 - Brutal, murderous dictator Augusto Pinochet takes control over Chile. "I bet the CIA is helping this guy," says a random intellectual just before being abducted by a group of soldiers.
- 2001 - Like we didn't see it coming. What the fuck.
- 2003 - People realize that George W. Bush is an idiot.
- 2012 - People actually acknowledge that the Titanic was in fact not unsinkable.
- 2016 - Last person using a pager discovered living in the middle of Borneo.
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Today's featured artistry
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Poets of the Month
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Modusoperandi hunts down random, unfunny shit which he replaces with less-random, quasi-funny shit. Occasionally he gets up off his ass (or more correctly, sits down on it) and makes a page of his own, to which no one ever goes.
Recently he's been making pictures that people don't like and, having discovered UnNews, has been making fake news stories (rather than the fake regular stories that he normally makes).
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The Bard (baptised 26 April 1564 – died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language, and the world's preeminent dramatist. He wrote approximately 38 plays and 154 sonnets, as well as a variety of other poems. Already a popular writer in his own lifetime, the Bard became increasingly celebrated after his death and his work adulated by numerous prominent cultural figures through the centuries.
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Congratulations to Hardwick Fundlebuggy, our Poet of the Year, and Mhaille, our Self-harmer of the Year!
Vote for Poet of the Month | Vote for Loner of the Month | Vote for Self-harmer of the Month | Past Losers
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| Uncyclopedia is an independent humor writing project, a non-profitable cabal that also hosts a range of other projects.
This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 37,350 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
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