Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit

The 1974 film The Witchfinder General, featuring comedy thespians Vincent Price and Samuel L Jackson, is the first major film version of the book.

“Do be a dear and throw another hag on the fire, darling.”
~ Noel Coward on Witch Hunting

Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit is a best-selling business book originally published in the late 1500s. It achieved enormous success in Germany and England, and was later taken to the Americas where it held limited regional fame. Revived in the 1950s, Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit is one of the most successful books ever published and persists on the best-seller list to this day.

Along with Malleus Maleficarum ("The Hammer of Witches") and Weekend at Bernie's II ("The Anvil of the Witches"), Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit forms the primary works within the field.

Prevalence

In order to aid their clients in their confessions, a number of highly specialised techniques were employed, many of which are still used today.

Before the appearance of The New England Primer and McGuffey Readers, schoolchildren learned to read from Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit, making it one of the most popular published works since the invention of the printing press. Until the beginning of the 1900s, when it was superseded by the Adventures of Biggles and the works of Enid Blyton, it was found in nearly every household and was a favourite of children and adults alike.

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Verily, thou must poke a suspected witch or warlock with white hot pokers, particularly about the buttocks and back thereof of knees. A goodly degree of pressure is needed, for oftime servents of the Great Dragon are olde and leathery of skin.

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With an in-depth illustrated guide on how interrogators might locate a "devil mark", torture techniques and traditional tools and methodologies, as well as professional investment advice for confiscated properties, the book has remained a favourite amongst both seasoned experts and keen amateurs.

Advocated practices

Burning

Witches, as well as Communists, are known to be highly flammable. Flame-retardant gloves must be worn at all times whilst handling. Due to their fear of naked flames, burning is one of the most popular and effective methods of torturing Witches, Pinkos and Chavs.

Traditionally, burning at the stake has always been favoured throughout Europe and North America, whilst in turn Witches hold a preference for burning Christians within large formal constructions.

Drowning

With their inherent inflammable nature witches are notoriously fearful of water, making a dunk in the garden pond a great potential means of torture. For a dash of slapstick, try a soda syphon, or comedy squirting clown flower. That old perennial, the bucket of water, will have any witch screaming "I'm melting....." in no time.

Groin-stamping

A number of competitions were made popular during the 16th and 17th Centuries, including the European Hot Tongues Contest.

A perennial favourite, and still an important method of torture. Seen recently in both Abu Ghraib and the English Cricket Team's defence of the Ashes, it remains a keen element in the Torturer's Arsenal.

Eye-gouging

Performed primarily with a large icepick (or carpenter's hammer), eye gouging not only permanently blinds those upon whom it is used, but may also act as a lobotomy by completely destroying the victim's prefrontal cortex. The most famed practitioners of this technique are the South African and French Rugby Union teams.

Flogging

Useful for obtaining a confession, flogging is a favoured method for persuading witches, slaves, and almost anyone else to admit that they hexed their mother, turned a random peasant into a newt (even if they get better), and/or consort with the Devil. Also a popular pastime amongst the clergy, judges and members of parliament.

Beheading

Often utilised as a "last resort", beheading has the unfortunate side-effect of bringing the torture to a sudden and dramatic ending. As a method of torture it is particularly ineffective in extracting confessions unless attempted with a housebrick or garden hose.

Criticism

While the element of fun is immediately evident to observers, or even those within earshot of the combined shrieks of enjoyment and pain, some have said that the profit margin is disappointingly narrow. Demographically, witchery seems to be an affliction of the poor, or at least this is the commonly-held agreement based on an analysis of the incomes of those tortured and killed since the 1500s. As such, there has been a scandalously low influx of cash generated from the liquidation of those individuals' estates.

At present, a panel of experts has been dispatched to take a serious look at the lower and working classes to determine whether witchcraft is afflicting any of their numbers. Economists are confident that such persons are sure to be discovered, and will provide a much-needed boost to the stagnating economy, and the correspondingly stagnating social life, following the near-extinction of the lower-lower class.

Authors

Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has seen many editions with numerous authors adding to it, keeping it forever relevant and up-to-date. It also had a sequel that became known as the Bible. The original manuscript is said to have been based on the journals of Tomás de Torquemada. Since then, it has been passed down from generation to generation, with notable contributions being made by Samuel Parris, Betty Parris, Abigail Williams, William Griggs, and Joseph McCarthy.