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USA Front Page Story
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Today's featured article – Switzerland
Switzerland is a mountainous region created in the early 13th century in order to contain gold and produce chocolate bars. From this point on, the insatiable Swiss desire for idyll building (idyllification) led to the creation of a nation remarkable for its efficient transport networks, orderly villages and synchronised repetitive yodelling.
At the beginning of time, Switzerland was a small moon orbiting the Earth, populated entirely by cows, sheep, and shepherd dogs; it is now thought to be where those creatures came from in the first place and it was known as tobleronistan.
 Location of Switzerland, according to CNN. Due to continental drift, the country now lies south of Germany. After being sent down to Earth, having fallen behind on sky-high rent, Switzerland came to be located south of Germany, bordering France, Italy, Australia and Liechtenstein. Switzerland annexed Czechia in 1990 because the country got too cramped and stuff is cheaper in eastern Europe, although today most Swiss are known to have trillions of dollars in the bank. (more...)
St. Pierre and Michelob (technically, the Territorial Collectivity of Saint Pierre et Michelob; French: Collectivité territoriale de Saint-Pierre-et-Michelob), is an archipelago of small islands off the coast of eastern Canada, the main islands being St. Pierre and Michelob, south of the Canadian province of Newfoundland and Labatt. The islands come within 10 km of Newfoundland. (more...)
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Did y'all know...
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*... that Cheetos never prosper?
- ... that wearing a top hat is not only a sound fashion choice, it gives you somewhere to hide candy?
- ... that Cheetos never prosper?
- ... that wearing a top hat is not only a sound fashion choice, it gives you somewhere to hide candy?
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Dispatches from the Voice of America
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On this day in America...
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January 3: Feast of St. Wallet, International Throw Tomatoes at Old People Day
- 974 BCE - Methuselah, sick of being a target of thrown tomatoes, asks God for guidance. God gives him a shield of vibranium. However, neighborhood kids sneak up behind Methuselah and still get him. God, laughing, explains that he just needed some crushed tomatoes for spaghetti sauce as the Flying Spaghetti Monster was coming for dinner. An angry Methuselah throws the shield at God, but it misses and flies back like a boomerang and cuts Methuselah in half. His dying word is "^$#*&!!". Thus, the first cutting remark is made.
- 3 CE - This marks first payday after Christmas. The family breadwinner heaves the ritual sigh of relief and starts saving for next Christmas.
- 31 - Jesus says, "Let him who is without sin cast the first tomato," getting the jump on everyone. Catsup is invented.
- 250 - Emperor Decius orders everyone in the Roman Empire to make sacrifices to the Roman gods. Tomatoes are offered up. A food fight ensues.
- 1492 - Natives attempt to fight the invader Columbus by throwing tomatoes. The latter takes one in the face but likes the taste so much that he would later use it as a sauce for his captives when he eats them alive.
- 1899 - Johan Vaaler accidentally invents the paper clip when his wire-making machinery explodes and clips together stacks of his notes on a nearby table. Standing close to the machinery, Vaaler also invents extreme hipster piercings at the same time, but does not survive to profit from the invention of either.
- 1922 - The Ottoman Empire decides to get out of the land business and focus on relief for aching calves.
- 1925 - Benito Mussolini announces seizure of power in Italy; Jersey Shore viewing figures are unaffected.
- 1947 - Saddam Hussein and Mel Gibson are born. They are accidentally switched in the delivery room, though it will make no difference later on. (pictured)
- 1947 - Proceedings of the United States Congress is televised for first time. Jersey Shore still maintains a solid audience.
- 1948 - Mel Gibson is deported to Australia for abusing a meat grinder.
- 1961 - Saving the world from nuclear holocaust, Cuba and the United States decide to throw tomatoes at each other instead.
- 1977 - The first draft of the Apple company logo, resembling a tomato, is thrown.
- 1997 - Clippy the office assistant is created to remind you how brutally stupid you are when it come to computers. After users burn down most of Washington state, Microsoft grudgingly agrees to retire their mascot and changes its name to Skynet. Apple quietly drops their "Lil Hitler" office assistant rollout even though they patented the concept first.
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George Eastman's featured picture
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Great American heroes
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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!
HEIL FROSTY!
Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
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