Today's featured article
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Today's featured article – Arthur Currie
General Sir Arthur William Currie, GCMB, KCB, KGB, was a Canadian Senior officer during World War I. A prolific commander of the Canadian Expeditionary Force, Currie is among the finest Western front commanders in the war and one of the greatest Canadian officers. However, he is more internationally renowned for his world-class embezzlement; also for his hyper-sensitivity regarding his public image.
Currie was born on December 5, 1875 in the tiny hamlet of Napperton, Ontario. Currie's last name was originally Curry, but, once he got out of "nappers" in 1897, he changed the spelling to avoid being mistaken for either his rival Arthur Curry (the reader knows him as Aquaman) or the popular Indian dish of the same name.
Currie had planned to pursue law or medicine but the convenient death of his father when Currie was 15 made this financially moronic. Currie then pursued teaching; joining the Canada Militia in 1897 was merely a part-time side-hustle. When the poor wages gained from the painful job of educating the devilish spawn of Canada became apparent, Currie stoped dilly-dallying and gave into his destiny as a full-time military man. (more...)
Previously featured article – Star Trek
Star Trek was a government-mandated Pavlovian conditioning method to keep left-wing radicals and other kooks locked in their homes, staring at an electron gun with glass in front of it. (more...)
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Did you know...
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*... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
- ... that, now that I really think about it, I'm not sure what the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle is?
- ... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
- ... that, now that I really think about it, I'm not sure what the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle is?
- ... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
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In the news
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On this day...
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June 14: Really Really Long Events Day
- 1517 - Frank Cabbage proposes a sauerkraut engine in a paper to the Royal Flabbage Society entitled "A Brief Enquiry Upon the Application of Machinery into the Root and Terminal Causes of Dabbage Insofar as the Computation of Tables of Astronomical and Mathematical Usage Are Necessitated by Research of a Nature Which Is Verily Called Scientific." The paper is a wild success, and Cabbage becomes an instant celebrity across the known world. His movie career begins shortly thereafter in a morality play called "At Home by One's-Self, or, What Could Be Knowne as, Being Left Alone as a Child in a Building Which Criminals Seek to Enter and Plunder".
- 1842 - Kitten Huffing Karl, brother to famed anti-drug activist Kitten Klubbing Klark, donates a considerable amount of kittens to the Jack Bauer's Kitten Huffing Abuse Research Clinic for the Protection of Youth. However, the kittens are stolen en route by a small troupe of transsexual ninja clones from the local circus at Washington, D.C.. These ninjas were notorious for practicing kitten huffing and were wanted by the local authorities. This led to the landmark Supreme Court case of Karl v. Transsexual Ninja Clones Troupe.
- 1861 - Melville P. Snort of What Cheer, Iowa, sets a world record for the most kittens huffed in a single "sitting" (then the current measurement of kitten huffing stamina) -- 14,391,012.6. That record still stands today.
- 1959 - The tin of sardines that took over the world the previous day is defeated by the life force of Spiro T. Agnew.
- 1978 - Ben Vereen goes insane, riding a hobby-horse unicorn through Weehawken, New Jersey and destroying six laundromats in the process. He is later pardoned by Governor Flibberty V. MacNaughton III, because "those laundromats needed a good thumpin' anyway, and my buddy Ben was the perfect man to dish it out".
- 1981 - The world accidentally appoints a bemused dictator due to a tpying error.
- 2002 - Worldwide stars Mel Gibson and Chuck Norris finish filming their critically acclaimed action/comedy buddy film, The Laundry Room, where Chuck Norris plays a retired, alcoholic laundromat owner while Mel Gibson plays a slightly less retired and slightly less alchoholic laundromat owner. During the filming of the movie, Gibson beats the sissy pants off of Norris for "being a little bitch" and this incident will drive Norris to learn the art of karate. He is now known to be one of the greatest fighters in the world and Mel Brooks is on his hit list. This leads Mel Gibson to produce the movie The Passion of the Christ which, in fact, is a portrayal of what Gibson would do to Norris if Norris even came close to Gibson. The film is NOT a portrayal of the death of Jesus Christ as so many would believe. What gives rise to the former theory is the phrase written in the ending credits stating, "Norris, if you even come close to me this shit is gonna happen to your ass!". Tensions have risen between Gibson and Norris ever since.
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Writer and Noob of the Month
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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!
HEIL FROSTY!
Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
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