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Today's featured article – UnNews:Bad karaoke costs boys their vocal cords


NORTHAMPTON, England -- Three friends with learning difficulties, including one with Down's syndrome, performed such a poor rendition of the Beatles' classic "Hey Jude" at the Abington Pub in Northampton that the pub landlord removed their vocal cords.

Suspicions grew after landlord Neil Bartholomey purchased a bumper pack of best-value gags, three 2m × 2m cemetery plots, and a DIY embalming kit. It was later revealed that the whole patronage of the pub had been in on the plot to end the boys' budding singing careers.

"They were driving away customers with their ranting," Mr. Bartholomey explained. "It's not like this is the first time they've done it, either! Sometimes they just come in at about 3 o'clock, order a dozen Shirley Temples, and don't leave until their mum picks them up at 9!"

Mr. Bartholomey denied that extracting their vocal cords and leaving them to bleed violated human rights. "It was for the good of humanity!" he shouted as police subdued him. "If they wandered into your pub and started belting out "Yellow Submarine", you'd do the same, unless you're just not enough of a man!" (more...)

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Previously featured article – Concision

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Concision (also called brevity, laconicism, crispness, briefness, succinctness, pithiness or compactness but not to be confused with terseness (which is concision to the point of rudeness) or sententiousness (which is concision in the service of pompous moralising, or sanctimonious lecturing)) is a writing principle (or doctrine of composition) which promotes the advantages of eliminating, removing or excising redundancy from prose, verse and other forms of expressive writing. (more...)

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May 25: National Pork Products Day (Israel)

  • In the beginning - God creates Mojo from leftover positrons and dark matter.
  • A long time ago - God creates Funk, and he sees that it is gooo-ooood.
  • 2000 BCE - Moses opens the first Piggly Wiggly supermarket with the goal of "bringin' chitterlings to all my peeps!"
  • 402 BCE - The towel is invented, to protect oneself from the great LUEshi rampage.
  • 14 BCE - Leeroy Jenkins declares, "At least I still have chicken."
  • 1029 - The Black Plague makes its first appearance in a small gig in Eastern Indonesia.
  • 1492 - Christopher Columbus realizes that he forgot his wallet back in Spain.
  • 1840 - Oscar Wilde kills Lord Byron in what is billed as the Spat in the Flat.
  • 1852 - The knowledge of towel making is mysteriously lost. Pandemonium ensues for the next three decades.
  • 1895 - Playwright, poet and novelist Oscar Wilde is convicted of "committing acts of gross indecency with other male persons" and sentenced to serve two years in prison. He comments: "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine", a line later shamelessly plagarized by Obi-Wan Kenobi.
  • 1942 - Helen G. White announces that the end of the world is postponed once again due to rain.
  • 1980 - Towels are rediscovered just as hyenas take over the French government.
  • 1982 - Pac Man Fever kills 20 million Americans in just a few weeks.
  • 1987 - Marijuana becomes the most cultivated plant ever, displacing the potato from the top spot for a few weeks.
  • 2002 - Mutant Goombie children are found in a puddle. Government and other such officials are blamed.
  • 2003 - In the first smart move made ever by a government, governments everywhere are officially disbanded.
  • 2007 - Jerry Springer is attacked by trailer park midgets.

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Waiter and Chef of the Month

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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.

Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!

It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!


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