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Today's featured article – The Witcher
The Witcher is a short story series/fantasy book saga/role-playing game/Netflix television show. It is set a time period of Medieval knights, monsters, fantastical beings and a lot of magic. If you can imagine a mix of Conan the Barbarian, Game of Thrones and the legends of King Arthur then you will be getting close to what this series is about. Think also of Monty Python and the Holy Grail and a dash of Harry Potter then you would have the formula.
The author of The Witcher is Andrzej Sapkowski (born 1948). He is a Polish-born writer who started his Witcher short stories in the 1980s. This was followed by books in the 1990s, which took almost as long to finish as George R. R. Martin's A Game of Thrones, not ending until 2013. It took even longer for them to be translated into English. Some wish the copyright holders hadn't bothered.
A witcher is essentially a male witch or warlock with the yellow eyes of a cat. He has some magic tricks but normally prefers to express himself with his sword(s). Witchers don't like to talk too much and physically look like Arnold Schwarzenegger's son. Except a witcher is also a 'mutant' and sterile as a jackass. (more...)
Previously featured article – Chess pieces
Chess is often thought of as a game for pretentious tossers, and for teenage nerds in need of a competitive pastime that doesn’t necessarily end with them being wedgied. But this image is outdated. These days the game is also played by boxers desperate to show that repeated brain trauma has not affected their intelligence. (more...)
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Did ¥øu k∩øw...
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*... the person that was sitting next to you and jerking off during fire scenes in Only the Brave just might have been a pyromaniac?
- ... if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
- ... the person that was sitting next to you and jerking off during fire scenes in Only the Brave just might have been a pyromaniac?
- ... if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
- ... the person that was sitting next to you and jerking off during fire scenes in Only the Brave just might have been a pyromaniac?
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I∩ th∑ ∩∑ws
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Ø∩ thi∫ da¥...
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July 11: International Pull My Finger Day, Fake Fart Appreciation Day (Rural Alabama, Georgia)
- 1250 BCE - John Titor is present at the Battle of Troy but leaves upon discovering absence of internet discussion boards to incessantly babble on.
- 1307 - Walter Tell, offspring of the famed archery enthusiast William Tell, pioneers the art of Interpretive Death by creatively expiring after suffering a major crossbow accident.
- 1796 - The United States takes possession of Detroit from Great Britain under the terms of the Jay Treaty. Great Britain immediately regrets this transaction when the Detroit Red Wings win the Stanley Cup in 1798.
- 1804 - Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton is mortally wounded in a duel with United States Vice President Aaron Burr. This is the last major political duel before the Political Dueling Edict of 1822 is imposed by the new generation of sissy-boy lawmakers.
- 1859 - A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens is published. Oscar Wilde immediately parodies many of Dickens' concepts in his novel The Picture of Dorian Gray.
- 1864 - The American Civil War does not live up to its name as a Civil War, as pleasantries are barely exchanged before the Battle of Fort Stevens.
- 1925 - Famous monster Oscar the Grouch (pictured) is born in the slums of Sesame Street. He does not earn the added moniker of "Grouch" until he resorts to selling candy to children after bedtime following a long string of hardships.
- 1955 - John Titor arrives in Hill Valley after being fired in 2037 from his radio gig. He seeks out Doc Brown's counsel about how to get really rich.
- 1961 - President Kennedy has sex with his wife, initiating J. Edgar Hoover's investigation of cross dressing in organized crime, the State Department and Marks and Spencer's Men's Department.
- 1963 - John Titor becomes a billionaire on betting on the World Series. He returns to 2036 and retires.
- 1997 - Prime Minister John Major loses an election after telling a "pull my finger" joke to the Queen, creating a grave scandal. She was later overheard to say that "We are most assuredly not amused".
- 2001 - Tony Blair legalizes public same sex farting in the Commonwealth, violating the Statute Of Westminster (1931) , a law which says the UK should mind its own business and get lost.
- 2002 - Tony Blair's farting legalisation is rescinded when Queen Elizabeth II farts on the bill rather than granting the Royal Assent. Protesters at Buckingham Palace fart in the Queen's general direction.
- 2013 - Barry Manilow's nose explodes after he falls for a "pull my finger joke". Gas comes out wrong orifice, killing 43.
- 2036 - John Titor returns to his own time and takes over hosting duties on Art Bell's Coast to Coast AM show, opening with his signature line, "Na na na na, told you so!".
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Writ∑r a∩d ∩øøb øf th∑ Mø∩th
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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!
HEIL FROSTY!
Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
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