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Tøda¥'∫ f∑atur∑d articŁ∑
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Today's featured article – Chess pieces
Chess is often thought of as a game for pretentious tossers, and for teenage nerds in need of a competitive pastime that doesn’t necessarily end with them being wedgied. But this image is outdated. These days the game is also played by boxers desperate to show that repeated brain trauma has not affected their intelligence.
Though some rules of the game have been adapted slowly over the millennia, the pieces have remained mostly unchanged and continue to move in much the same way as they did for intellectual wannabes in ancient India, friendless geeks in Sassanid Persia, and social inadequates in Moorish Spain.
When a game begins, each side starts with eight pawns (Australian English: Shrimps) - twelve short of a barbie. As the least valuable and most expendable member of your army, your pawns should be assigned a place in the front rank of the infantry. Do not waste body-armour or weapons on these grunts. Advanced players use terror and centuries of oppression to compel their pawns to advance unarmed and unarmoured across the open battlefield, even in the face of airborne attack from the Rooks. (more...)
Previously featured article – John Mahama
John Dramani Mahama (born 29 November 1958) is the 12th and 14th President of Ghana, his current term having begun on 7 January 2025. Ghanaian voters were inspired by Donald Trump being both the 45th and 47th U.S. President and anxious to prove that Ghana could do it too. They were also ready for another go, having had four years to recover from Mahama's first Presidency. (more...)
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Did ¥øu k∩øw...
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*... that a new broom sweeps clean but a Zamboni does it faster?
- ... when the going gets tough, the tough get going?
- ... and since it's 5PM, I'll be headed for home?
- ... that a new broom sweeps clean but a Zamboni does it faster?
- ... when the going gets tough, the tough get going?
- ... and since it's 5PM, I'll be headed for home?
- ... that a new broom sweeps clean but a Zamboni does it faster?
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I∩ th∑ ∩∑ws
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Ø∩ thi∫ da¥...
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June 21: St. Nokia's Day, Last Day of Spring
- 5400 BCE - Prehistoric Druids create early pornography out of large stones on the Salisbury Plain of England. Unfortunately it only works one day a year, leading to many wars.
- 24 CE - Hippies celebrate "The Coming of Life", the summer solstice, in the streets after new dope harvest.
- 524 - Godomar, King of the Burgundians, moves his throne to to his Mountain Chablis.
- 654 - Howard Hughes finds out that there are germs even in airplanes.
- 1138 - The first IKEA opens in Durham by Viking invaders.
- 1910 - A Japanese kittenhoefer kills Alexander Graham Bell and patents the cell phone. It weighs four hundred pounds and has a 300-mile long spool of cable accompanying it.
- 1914 - The question "What if the hokey pokey IS what it's all about?" is first raised by Mark Twain.
- 1915 - The Supreme Court of the United States rules that Oklahoma cannot deny some of its citizens the right to vote. The Chief Justice then proceeds to insult Woodrow Wilson over his attempts to allow women to have a voice beyond choosing what's for dinner.
- 1940 - France surrenders to Germany out of habit.
- 1941 - France surrenders to Germany again, for good measure.
- 1942 - France celebrates the anniversary of their surrender to Germany and the establishment of the Vichy government with parades, parties, and a third surrender to make sure the message was received.
- 1982 - John Hinckley is found not guilty by reason of batshit insanity for trying to kill President Reagan; Hinckley mistakenly dedicates his win to Jodie Sweetin.
- 1994 - Figures released by the University of Cambridge show that 92% of those born under the star sign Cancer actually get cancer, whereas 12% turn into crabs.
- 1995 - Figures released by Harvard University show that 93% of Cambridge students are unable to properly add percentages.
- 1996 - Figures released by Cambridge say "Bite me, Harvard". Harvard declines comment.
- 1997 - Harvard purchases Cambridge and changes it to an automotive maintenance and bartending school.
- 1998 - The Republican Party loses its old leader, gains a new one. Bozo the Clown memorabilia regains popularity.
- 2002 - The WHO finally cures polio. They go on to do an encore with Magic Bus and Pinball Wizard.
- 2007 - Scientists find that Pluto is not a planet.
- 2008 - Scientists find that Pluto never existed in the first place.
- 2009 - Pluto sues science for defamation of existence.
- 2012 - Scientists discover that there's not always room for Jello.
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Tøda¥'∫ f∑atur∑d pictur∑
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[vote]
| 9-11.png - 18 total votes ( 22 / 4 )
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9-Eleven, a world-wide chain of convenience stores serving the needs of those who seek to overthrow whichever hated oppressor is in vogue at the time, is now owned by a conglomeration of businessmen operating out of Afghanistan for tax purposes. People often call them when they need fat. In a bun.
Image credit: FreeMorpheme
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Writ∑r a∩d ∩øøb øf th∑ Mø∩th
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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!
HEIL FROSTY!
Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
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