Jehovah's Witnesses

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jehovah's Witnesses.

A Jehovah's Witness preaching to an unsuspecting victim in a park.

“Thou shalt knock on doors and pass out fliers, for the rest of thy days...”
~ God on Jehovah's Witnesses

“There can be only 144,000!”
~ Highlander on Jehovah's Witness Heaven

Also known as the Brotherhood of Doorknockers, Jehovah's Witnesses are the defense witnesses in an ongoing trademark dispute case in Syria, Israel, the United States of America, Japan, and other Middle Eastern Semitic countries over rights to the Tetragrammaton. The second most persecuted religion in the world after Judaism, and the third most arrogant religion after Catholicism and Shia Islam. To strengthen their case, Jehovah's Witnesses try to gain support by going into strangers homes, and asking them to testify in their class action suit.

Teachings

Unlike most court witnesses, the literal oath of Jehovah's Witnesses is "the bible, the whole bible, and nothing but the bible." Jehovah's Witnesses claim that this has exactly the same meaning with the common oath of "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." Unlike other Christian sects, Jehovah's Witnesses are the only ones who are able to decipher and pronounce the 4 6 letter name of god. They state that this ability to understand the bible comes from their absolute faith in the literal truth of the bible.

In addition, Jehovah's Witnesses are also the only major Christian sects who are able to accurately predict the end of the world multiple times, all thanks to the obvious signs presented in the bible. According to their calculations, the end of the world occurred in 1844, 1914, 1975, 2000, and "sometime soon." All of these predictions have come true, because all previous predictions in the bible have indeed came true. Here is the evidence that Armageddon happened at those dates:

1337 was the end of the world because in that year, Satan hacked Jehovah's mainframe.
1874 was the end of the world because in that year, Elephants were first used as a symbol for the republican party, Iceland is granted a constitution, heroin is first synthesized, and Houdini is born
1914 was the end of the world because in that year, World War I started. This is the year God finally threw Satan out for the millennia of ruling as earths evil overlord and Jesus at last get's his promotion.
1975 was the end of the world because in that year, Microsoft commenced operations, Watergate scandal occurred, Margaret Thatcher was elected, and Robert E. Lee was pardoned.
2000 was the end of the world because in that year, everything blew up due to Y2K.
Sometime soon will be the end of the world because a highly contagious and fatal plague infects a third of the earths population of 30 billion, and witnesses continue to spread the disease door to door, still proselytizing as much as possible despite the WHO quarantine.

Truth

Cosmas and Damian: Patron Saints of bloodsucking vampires.

Jesus was executed on a pole, or maybe a tree, but definitely not a cross. If Jesus was to be executed on a pagan symbol, surely he would have used his supernatural power and alter the shape to a phallic symbol, after all, he was a wizard.

When you die, you will not go to hell or heaven unless you never sin, disobey the ten commandments, or miss church unless absolutely necessary. Instead, when you die, you go to nothingness, (different from the nothingness you came out of when you were born) while a copy of you is kept in Jehovah's repressed memory, next to the out of court settlements for child molestation, and all the rapes that didn't happen because there wasn't an additional witness present to sit there and watch it. If you are a good door-knocker, then a copy of you will be re-made in the future, to serve as one of the "great multitude" in an eternal earthly paradise after all the other less correct Christians come back as sleeping saints. If you were lucky enough to convert before 1935, than you will get to rule as one of the "little flock" and be transformed into a formless being and sent to heaven. Unfortunately, there were only 144,000 spaces left in Heaven and it tickets were decided on a first come first serve basis and; however Hell is just places on earth called college and city counsel, where the devil works.

Unclean Things

Where they have all their fun.

Following is a list of items that Jehovah's Witnesses hate:

Pagan holidays
- Halloween. Reason: Jehovah's Witnesses don't like strangers knocking on their doors.
- Christmas. Reason: While Jesus asked for his funeral to be remembered for all eternity, Jesus didn't ask for his birthday to be celebrated. Mainstream Christians criticize this view by stating that Jesus was actually alluding to his wish for a surprise birthday party, which is what Christmas actually is. Jehovah's Witnesses argue that the date of Christmas, the celebration of the son of God, is derived from the celebration of Sol Invictus, a Roman pagan god of sun. Mainstream Christians explain that such date is chosen because that's the time when Christ least expect his surprise birthday party would be thrown being 6 months removed from the more temperate Palestinian summer.
- Birthdays. Reason: Birthdays have killed too many people and made too many spoiled kids cry. Birthdays take people's minds off being generous throughout the year. Birthdays killed the Jews by overworking them to death at the pyramids, and they killed John the Baptist.
- Thanksgiving. Reason: The original settlers and native Americans did not help Jehovah's Witnesses. This is easy to prove since Jehovah's Witnesses did not exist at that time. Note: Jehovah's Witnesses still like turkeys.
- New Year's eve. Reason: it's noisy and annoying.
- Easter. Reason: Eggs and bunnies are fertility symbols from paganism. Pagan symbols are Evil. They prefer to Passover this sort of celebration.
- Exception: Jehovah's Witnesses celebrate Sunday, the celebration of the Solar Deity, rather than the original Sabbath of Friday evening and Saturday. In addition, certain Witness congregations also celebrate Tuesday, the celebration of the Nordic god Tyr, while many congregations celebrate Thursday to honor the Norse god Thor.
The cross. Reason: Jesus did not die on a basic geometric pagan shape that structurally supported his failing flesh in a stress position to be tortured to death longer.
All governments. Reason: the book of Revelation says that all governments are evil, except all those Jewish kings Jesus is descendant from, maybe.
- Violence. Exception: Moses, who Jesus met on a mountain and wrote the start of the bible, as well as all those other warrior prophets like David, whose existence was necessary to begat Jesus. Don't forget St. Paul the torturer who wrote 23% of the new testament and God who already destroyed the earth once already.
- Saluting flags. Reason:it's idolatry, and Jehovah wants nothing to do with idolaters.
- United Nations. Reason: according to the book of Revelation, United Nations is either a ginger whore with a forehead tattoo or an ugly beast with multiple horns. Since neither possibility is attractive (at least, to a Witness it isn't. Personally I think they're both kinda hot!), The United Nations is therefore utterly revolting.
- Exception: Paying taxes and obeying the laws of aforementioned government is highly recommended by Jehovah's Witnesses. In fact, Jehovah's Witnesses obey the laws and Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's more rigorously than most people.
Other religions, because Jehovah's Witnesses say that "all religions are made and led by Satan." (Except, of course, their own). You are to limit exposure to other religions as much as possible, except for when converting them, because they could infect you before you infect them and if you get good at pointing out flaws in other religions you might accidentally look in the mirror and do it to your own. Jesus was Christian, NOT Jewish.
Your ancestors born before Charles Tate Russel's 1870's bible study group, with the exception of maybe Jesus. Because: they are merely programs that have been uninstalled and archived from God's memory, and he can only have 144,000 people on heavens servers, and those seats have been reserved for Witnesses for over 2000 years. Everyone else will have to fight Satan's U.N. vampire army for a thousand years. Those that die but do a good job get to come back as zombies at the end of the world, living forever and forgetting their less fortunate non existent loved ones over the endless centuries.
Blood transfusion: Because drinking blood is just disgusting (Genesis 9:4; Leviticus 17:10; Acts 15:29), and shooting up blood is just as bad. Jesus healed people with his ~~magic~~ scientifically compatible healing powers; not surgery, an IV of blood, or an organ transplant.
Drugs: Jehovah's Witnesses figured out early that smoking isn't cool, unlike prescription drug overdose. Good drugs are defined as what ever the evil government says are evil, rather than what the church says is evil, they aren't supposed to interpret the bible on their own.
Gays: Gays keep criticizing on how the suits of Jehovah's Witnesses are in the wrong colors, or how they don't fit the nuances of the seasons, etc. Furthermore, they keep annoying Jehovah's Witnesses by saying that "God made me gay." The Bible never says that Jehovah made anyone gay, that's the military's job.
Apostates: These are former members who infiltrated the organization, survived the Governing Body's mind control techniques, and escaped to tell the free world what really goes on up in Bethel, NY.
Oral sex. Sex is a wonderful gift from Jehovah, but oral sex is evil. Apparently Jehovah agrees with Bill Clinton's view that oral sex isn't sex. If you want to watch a Witness really squirm, ask them about oral sex. They won't mention it if you don't ask.
Divorce. Unless your founder Charles Taze Russell, who got one from Maria Frances Ackley.

How to Become a Witness

Hardcore Jehovahs sacrifice a finger for their beliefs.

This is a step-by-step guide on how to join Jehovah's Witnesses.

Step One: Be nice to the doorknockers.

When they greet you, do say hello and be nice. Don't yell at them. Don't slam the door on them. Don't threaten them. Don't punch them. Don't kick them. Don't throw hot coffee at them. Don't order your attack dog to assault them. Don't try to poison them. Don't stab them. Don't slap their faces. Don't try to run them over with a car. Don't answer the door nude (or maybe do), with Black Sabbath blaring in your stereo.

Step Two: Use the secret password

After you are able to act civilized in front of the doorknockers, you need a secret password to enter the brotherhood of doorknockers. Remember: attending the Sunday meeting in the Kingdom Hall will not give you admission to the brotherhood. You literally must say the password to the visiting Witness. Remember also that you must recite the password word by word. This is the password: I want to receive a free home bible study and I want to know what the bible really teaches.

Step Three: develop your mental strength

Unlike in Judaism and Islam, no one is born a Witness. Jehovah's Witnesses are made, not born. They have endured tormenting mental exercises to be able to face so many doors, just like how bodybuilders have lifted inhumane amount of weight over several months, but without the drugs. Once you have successfully recite the password, the doorknockers will help you training your mental strength with the following method:

Endure frequent reading of an extremely boring, one-sided, and confusing text about vague subjects. In fact, while reading, you will be asked to tediously flip through thousands of pages from another book. If you are studying from the Bible, then you are probably reading the wrong translation.
Be able to remember every detail of the aforementioned boring text. You will be asked after every paragraph, so be prepared to remember all the details, including the dots and the paper imperfections.
Never demand explanation. Never ask questions, despite what their tract says, and never think critically or logically. What appears to you as critical thinking are actually just impulses induced by Satan's efforts to corrupt your brain. If you violate this rule and give in to the indulgence of critical thinking, your mental strength is deemed unworthy and you will be prematurely disqualified from the brotherhood.
Step Four: prove your mental strength

After your weeks of intensive training, no doubt your mental strength is now above average, but how do you know that you are strong enough? Now you must face a test. You must be able to listen to weekly or bi-weekly tedious talk about vague subject with vague reasoning and never comment on it. Furthermore, you'll have to endure comments from other people which are equally vague and equally, if not more, confusing. Note: if you are not confused, then you are in the wrong meeting.

Step Five: door-knocking tryouts

If you truly have the mental strength, you must inform your first doorknockers (whom hopefully you have not murdered yet) that you wish for a door knocking tryout. Remember to keep your ego in check, because unlike the experienced door-knocking brother or sister, your skills in door-knocking are still immature. Do not try too much and do not expect too much from your door-knocking attempts.

Step Six: be baptized in the method that truly cleanses you

You have performed door knocking tryouts? Impressive. But, you are not a Witness yet. You must be baptized to be a Witness. All modern baptism methods have one critical error: they don't truly cleanse you. Baptism is supposed to cleanse you completely from head to toe and from all kinds of germs. The only way to do this is immerse you in a pool of water, preferably with soap. After all, who knows whether you actually shower daily or you are just wearing expensive perfumes. In fact, to ensure your dedication to hygiene, your baptism will be witnessed by hundreds if not thousands of people.

Step Seven: be a full-time door knocker

After you have successfully been washed from various Satanic germs, you are now accepted in the universal brotherhood of doorknockers. Remember: the membership in the brotherhood is earned, not given, so you must do your share of door knocking regularly or Jehovah almighty himself will run a guilt trip on you by quoting from the bible.

Step Eight: Begin your subscriptions/donations/payments to the Watchtower publications; while avoiding all others.

Now that you are a true brother, you are finally allowed to start giving money to the all-seeing governing body that is the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. You are free to read only the New World Translation of the Bible, Watchtower publications, such as Awake!, and you absolutely must avoid anything that propagates the loopholes, inconsistencies, or has been created by apostates. For example: This site.
In fact, if you are reading this, you are not a Witness; or you were, and will be forsaken and are now an apostate. Great job.

Customs

Jehovah's Witnesses are well known for their habit of wearing suits; this is not because they are uptight dorks, but rather because most courtrooms require formal attire, and they do not want to risk being held in contempt of court. They get these suits for free at after their baptism and long study of their books. If they are caught wearing anything else but their suits, they will be condemned to riding their bikes and walking for a month.

Jehovah's Witnesses believe they are saved by their faithfulness, which shows itself in works. This means they're doomed to live their life as human drones, otherwise Jehovah will not let them have eternal life. Apart from on weekends, when they're allowed to annoy people by knocking on their door and asking them if they've found the truth. (I found the truth once and placed it in my pocket, regrettably my wife didn't look through my pants before washing them.)

Some Witnesses have become part of Jehovah's Witness Protection Program, a federal government attempt to protect them from the persecution by the International Zionist Conspiracy, Yahweh's latest attempt at extralegal settlement of his dispute with Jehovah. Contrary to the disinformation spread by false religions, the Program is not intended to protect other people from Jehovah's Witnesses, as they are well known to be mostly harmless.

Jehovah's Witnesses frown upon seeking higher education because according to the religion, it distracts a person from door knocking. After all, scientific inquiries lead people to have blind fanatical faith in disputable theories about the natural world, all just because of relying too much on one badly written book. For example, many people believe in evolution just because it's written in the "Origin" book by Charles Darwin, yet note: no one human being has ever physically and personally seen evolution happening on a scale bigger than flies. No one has ever honestly seen species actually changing over millions of years; they only see the fossils and claim that it is true. What is this but blind faith? Show me the actual process (not fossils) of evolution actually happening in millions of years, and only then will I believe that evolution exists.

The only thing that can keep a Witness from knocking is an ambulance siren, they think most EMT's are vampires that will make them drink blood if they get in an accident.

Witness Holidays

Jehovah's Witnesses celebrate one holiday, an annual communion celebration known as "The Lord's Evening Meal", held during the JWish Passover. You pass around a cup of wine and a plate of matzoh crackers while some under educated empty suit on a platform babbles incoherently about the bible. If you're really lucky, you might see somebody eat the crackers, but only if they're egotistical enough to think they are going to heaven. There are no gifts exchanged and lively song and celebration are discouraged. It's not really a holiday, just an annual recruitment drive. I couldn't attend though, I was too busy knocking on doors of non-Christians, I was so excited my bullet-proof vest came in.

History

Below are the first ancient and incoherent babblings of the Jehovah's Witnesses. If you haven't trained your mind to blindly accept, remember, and quote it, you aren't a Jehovah's Witness.

According to experts, Jehovah's first witness was a disgruntled Seventh Day Adventist named Charles Taze Russell who combined Seventh Day Adventist's philosophy of impending death with theologies of Mary Queen of Scots and repackaged them as his own. Russell produced the first major screenplay to incorporate synchronized sound, moving film, and color slides; however he felt pamphlets and graffiti were really the future of reaching people, not movies. As he found himself tagging the sidewalk in chalk, he witnessed God in the tail end of a 6000 year gang war and was called to the stand to testify, with an eight hour long religious epic that used synchronized sound, moving film, and color slides to wow audiences with the modern miracle of movie Jesus.

In 1916, Russell died and another leader, "Judge" Joseph Rutherford, made his own predictions regarding the end of the world, stating that the world would end in 1925, 1936, and the 1940s. Rutherford then went on to issue various proclamations. Tipping your hat to a woman made you womanly. Voting was evil, but women voting was extra evil. He started an abstinence until Armageddon program in 1938 for the unwed and married couples. Also even though the founder said there would be a second class heaven to accommodate those outside the 144,000, that plan got scrapped. Russell was confused as to the specifics of the religion he started, for example he said the great pyramid was made by god but Rutherford knew better and that it was actually the devil's. Also the Jews would never control Palestine in a hundred years, because the world would end before than.

Rutherford was then replaced by Fred Franz, who in 1983 claimed that the world had ended in 1975. The world did end, but nobody really noticed as it was the 1970s. Everybody was too high to care. However, people forgot about the Jehovah's Witnesses prediction and then dismissed them as that crazy church that didn't allow people to celebrate birthdays.

The modern Witnesses have studied all the harder, and have finally come up with the day that the world is ending. Their prediction is believed to be accurate to within plus or minus three days. The day?

Endsday of course.

The group currently has 6.5 million members, most of which suffer from cases of advanced intellectual bankruptcy and starchy clothing.

According to the group, they are not a cult, since cults are filled with creepy people and they are most certainly not creepy at all, except when they come to your door at 9 AM on a Saturday morning, show you magazines with pictures of 7 headed beasts. Or when you're nearly converted, they tell you to limit contact with your non Witness friends before you're officially inducted in their membership.

JWisms

Guide to Jehovah's Witness Terminology:

Kingdom Halls - Meeting Halls
Watchtower Bible And Tract Society - The Head Office
Pagan - basically the worst word you can use to describe anything. If they refer to anything as 'pagan', like christmas, birthdays, the yin-yang symbol, fantasia, or saying 'good luck', it means they should basically treat the thing as if the devil had sculpted it from his own turds and thrown them at you screaming something about your mother and cocks in hell.
False religion - Zoroastrianism, Judaism, Christianity: Protestantism, Catholicism, Orthodox, Gnostics, Arianism, Mormons, all Christianity, Sunni Islam, Shia Islam, Sufi Islam, all Islam, Rastafarianism, Baha'ism, Mahayana Buddhism, Theravada Buddhism, Vajrayana Buddhism, Zen Buddhism, all Buddhism, Sikhism, Jainism, Hare Krishna, Shiva Bhakti, Kundalini Yoga, Karma Yoga, Hatha Yoga, Kriya Yoga, Hindusim, Confucianism, Taoism, Shintoism, Communism, Atheism, Agnosticism, Rationalism, Wiccan, Reiki, Voodoo, New Age. They are all Satan's work!

How to anger a Witness

If they arrive at your doorstep and ask, "Can I talk to you about God?" Reply, "Sure, what would you like to know?"
Invite them in to see your collection of either Jewish family Haggadah or prominently displayed statues of Buddha, Krishna, and Shiva on embellished altars.
Ask them directions to go to a nearby protestant or catholic church.
Ask them to pray for somebody who has passed away.
Mention the failed prophecies of 1844 and 1914.
Ask if the Faithful and discreet slave refers to an anointed Christians across time, or specifically the Governing Body and why Charles Tate Russel changed his mind on what it meant between 1881 and 1886. Did it start in 33 AD he Watchtower said in 1975 or in 1919 like they said in 2012?
Insistingly say, "If you're not one of the 144,000, I don't want to talk to you." If the Witness claim to be one of the 144,000, then say that he/she has too much of an ego, which is not a trait approved by Jehovah.
Answer the door naked, with an erection, painted head to toe in blue swirly patterns. Politely inform them that your not interested in joining a monotheistic faith but tell them they are quite welcome to come and join in the Pagan orgy that' s currently going on upstairs.
Ask them if they walked here on a sidewalk made by a city government run by the devil, or drove in a car made in a factory run by the devil, and if they've considered using carpentry to construct their own horse drawn carriages instead.
Tell them the Amish at least don't use electricity made at a power plant run by the devil, and make their own clothes that weren't made at a factory run by the devil; they are also way better at isolating themselves from this sinful world.
Answer the door dressed in a lab coat and ask why they eat meat that comes from a meat processing plant run by the devil, and why their sense of pacifism doesn't extend to animals, than cough profusely and say they may want to leave before the vampire plague infects them and rewrites their DNA as well; you see, they don't care about getting you sick going door to door infecting people during a plague outbreak, potentially killing untold numbers of people with weak immune systems through their ignorance and hubris, but their own bodies are temples not to be defiled, particularly by vampirism, or by some heathen and his false God transforming all the water into blood.