HowTo:Get rid of Jehovah's Witnesses

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It's a normal day, you're at home doing nothing important at all; just relaxing, AND THEN you look out the window and see: an old grandma carrying a Bible, walking up your lane. It has come to yet destroy another life. You're sitting there saying, "Jesus Lord, why me? Why ME?" Now you're thinking "What the fuck am I going to do?" Well, you came across the right article to find out.

No one's home[edit]

The most common and probably the easiest way of getting rid of Jehovahs. Turn off the TV, Radio, lights and anything like that and then hide in a wardrobe. After a while the Witnesses will go away leaving you their magazine that is quite useful to light the fire.

You don't want this happening to you.


You will need:

  • A Priest's robe
  • A Bible
  • A Small cross
  • Holy Water

When the Jehovahs come, put on your robe and open the door. DO NOT LET THE JEHOVAHS IN OR SPEAK. Say, "Lord, let the devil retreat from those souls!" Read a verse or two from the Bible and then pray over them. Then pour Holy Water over them, hold the cross up and say, "May God Bless you, the Father, the Son & the Holy Spirit. Go in peace to love and serve the Lord." The humiliated Jehovahs are most likely not to return. At least not the same ones. NOTE: For a better effect make sure this happens in an Urban area.


Get a bunch of mates to dress in their best black suits. Get your hands on a pistol for everyone and a shotgun for the Godfather (if you can't get real ones get fakes that look real). Fill the room with a smoke smell and push a desk in the middle (the darker the room colours, the better). You (as the Godfather) sit behind the desk. When the Jehovahs come, make one of your people let them in. When they come to you say "So you are the people he was talking about. Who is that guy you wanted me to finish off?" The confused (and slightly scared) Jehovahs will be explaining themselves; that it's a mistake. Say "So what's this about then? You want a bomb or something?" The Jehovahs will give you their magazine and go away.

Going away[edit]

When the Jehovahs come quickly put on your coat and shoes and open the door. Tell them that you are sorry and you are going out. Then go away and hide somewhere until they are out of sight.

Orgy Method[edit]

This works best if you are caught in the middle of a masturbation session and have an erection. Put on a porn DVD, so that moaning sounds can be heard. Then answer the door in the nude. Announce that you are having an orgy, and that they are welcome to join in on the orgy and that "we'd all like to see what is under there". Leer gratuitously at the Jehovah's Witnesses until they decline, usually blushing furiously.

Armed and Dangerous[edit]

(This works well if you live in a rural setting.) Yell to an empty (or not so empty) house, "Martha, get my rifle!" Most intelligent Jehovahs will usually leave. This will also work if you have a sword, baseball bat, or nunchucks, if you live in a suburban setting.

The Genuine[edit]

This one is risky, as it often takes longer to get rid of them. Answer the door and say, "Anything to help a fellow Christian get set on the path of righteousness?" Your unwanted visitors will be shocked but perhaps intrigued that someone is interested in their testimony. So now you provide the details: "I often enjoy mass-murdering children with Down's Syndrome... last summer I went on holiday to the outback for a bit of genocide, but it wasn't nearly as fun as I'd thought." The payoff for spending the extra time is that your guests will beat you to inventing an excuse to leave.

Two Words[edit]

Open the door and say "Fuck off". Then lock the door with all the locks, close all the windows and close the blinds. Wait about an hour or two before opening the door or windows again.