HowTo:Fear Blue-ringed octopus
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In case you might ponder: why should I, who revel and exalt in my own imperviousness, fear anything? Well, actually, it's a kind of self-preservation instinct that's uncannily useful… especially with the blue-ringed octopus. So, starting from scratch, we will teach you everything you need to develop a healthy fear of these monsters. We'll begin by teaching you the facts. Ignorance won't save you from these beasts. The gruesome truth is that sexually aroused blue-ringed octopuses often attack unfortunate seabed strollers - and kill them. This is a serious problem, as they are horny almost all the time. Their behavior, according to Crocodile Dundee, is because "the bastards can't easily find willing sexual partners!"
Blue-ringed octopuses are members of the Genus Venomous Casanovarous, which comprises three (or perhaps less) known octopus species that systematically terrorize the coast of Australia. Aboriginal Aussie natives, blue-ringed octopuses always dominate their habitat; with the only exception being in Saudi Arabia, where they have been popularized as trendy pets by the Arabic Television program, Mecca Vice. The creatures are so poisonous that even a twenty-thousand ton killer whale is afraid to set foot on one.
The origin of the creature may be determined by each individual, based on their personal faith. And because there are many belief systems, so there are many explanations as to the purpose of the blue-ringed octopus coming into existence. If one is any conflicting form of Christianity then the prevailing belief is that Christ created the blue-ringed octopus (and Jesus approved). If one is any number of totally opposing forms of Islam then the belief is that Allah created the blue-ringed octopus (and Muhammad approved). Buddhists believe that Buddha created the Blue-ringed octopus (and the Dalai Lama approved). Atheists conclude that Nature created the blue-ringed octopus (and nobody approved). You, the reader, probably feel that your own personal God created the blue-ringed octopus (and you approved). Nihilists think-don't think nothing created the blue-ringed octopus; it's an illusion - go on, pick it up… we dare you!
The genus was classified by Aussi snake charmer Crocodile Dundee in 1994. There are, possibly, hundreds of sub-species of Octopus, and among those of the Blue-ringed variety there are believed to be three distinct types:
- Absolutely-pitiless blue-ringed octopus (Hellochlaena lunutica)
- Repulsively-hideous blue-ringed octopus (Hellochlaena malevolena)
- Grotesquely-insidious blue-ringed octopus (Hellochlaena fascista)
Their diet typically begins with the bottom of people's feet. They pring their pringer into the foot and paralyze their prey with venom. Once down they hug the victim's head and use their beak to eat through the face and into the victim's body which they consume from the inside out - Really! They consume other things too, such as Tiger Sharks and Box Jelly Fish, but they are primarily known as face-eaters.
Apart from being extremely ill-tempered an individual blue-ringed octopus tends to use its dong a lot to achieve orgasm. When horny, the beast, with no provocation what-so-ever, adopts a vicious attitude, changes to bright yellow color with blue rings, and then goes looking to murder people in a cold-blood.
An extremely unfortunate encounter with a blue-ringed octopus can be recognized by agonizing pain shooting up the leg from the foot - which may cause the heart to explode from the chest cavity, or the brain to explode from the skull, or sparks to exit the rectum, or all three. This heartless monster is a regular hell-raiser - as ordained by God the creator, for the good of humanity.
A male mates with a female by grabbing her buttocks - which sometimes completely obscures the male's vision - then transferring sperm by inserting his dong into her orifice over and over again until he achieves orgasm. If he has not gotten his nut yet, mating continues until the female has had enough, and has to remove the horny male by force. Males will attempt copulation with members of their own species regardless of sex or size. And when frustrated and horny they're particularly aggressive and deadly.
The blue-ringed octopus is the size of face-huggers depicted in the film Alien, but its venom is powerful enough to kill the Alien, what to speak of mere mortals. There is no known cure available for its bite, unless you know a Voodoo witch doctor - this is because unless you can revive the dead you have no chance of helping a victim.
The octopus produces venom. That venom contains incredibly toxic tetrodotoxin. The major neurotoxin component of blue-ringed octopus venom was originally known as malevolotoxin but was later found to be tetrodotoxin - compared to which the Alien's blood is as mild as hydrogen peroxide.
“If the victim's head is missing do not attempt mouth-to-mouth resuscitation”
Immediately try to bring the poor John or Jane back to life by shouting. Yell that the "ocean is on fire!" -- they will believe you! It is essential that efforts continue even if the victim is missing his/her head or heart or both. If the head is missing do not attempt mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Tetrodotoxin poisoning can result in the victim being fully aware of his/her surroundings but unable to breathe, which must be quite disconcerting. If all life-reviving methods fail then dream up a good alibi, inform a lifeguard, and then wake up - like it was all a horrible nightmare. Then look up Blue-ringed octopus on Uncyclopedia, have a laugh, and thank your lucky stars that it wasn't you.
The blue-ringed octopus is one of the most dangerous sea creatures in all creation. It normally carries enough venom to kill an adult elephant in 30 seconds. And for ocean lovers in Australia the blue-ringed octopus are a right royal pain in the foot If it ever happens that a Blue-ringed octopus becomes attached to your face, then pray that it only kills you!
Lesser-known facts that admit to being lesser-known facts
- Blue-ringed octopi are the only non-humans besides dolphins that enjoy sex.
- Blue-ringed octopi make Sigourney Weaver prefer a holiday on THE Alien planetoid rather than Australia.
- The stingray that killed Steve Erwin was promptly murdered by a blue-ringed octopus in what some call poetic justice.
- You just read it right here.
- Ching Caldwell 2000. Sex life and mating in the blue-ringed octopus, Hapalochlaena lunulata. Anim Behav.: 27-33.
- Quinn RJ (1978). "Maculotoxin identified as tetrodotoxin". Science 199 (4325): 188???9.
- Caldwell, Roy, Dr (1996-2000). What makes blue-rings so deadly?.
- Dangers on the Barrier Reef.
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