Today's featured article – Switzerland
Switzerland is a mountainous region created in the early 13th century in order to contain gold and produce chocolate bars. From this point on, the insatiable Swiss desire for idyll building (idyllification) led to the creation of a nation remarkable for its efficient transport networks, orderly villages and synchronised repetitive yodelling.
At the beginning of time, Switzerland was a small moon orbiting the Earth, populated entirely by cows, sheep, and shepherd dogs; it is now thought to be where those creatures came from in the first place and it was known as tobleronistan.
 Location of Switzerland, according to CNN. Due to continental drift, the country now lies south of Germany. After being sent down to Earth, having fallen behind on sky-high rent, Switzerland came to be located south of Germany, bordering France, Italy, Australia and Liechtenstein. Switzerland annexed Czechia in 1990 because the country got too cramped and stuff is cheaper in eastern Europe, although today most Swiss are known to have trillions of dollars in the bank. (more...)
St. Pierre and Michelob (technically, the Territorial Collectivity of Saint Pierre et Michelob; French: Collectivité territoriale de Saint-Pierre-et-Michelob), is an archipelago of small islands off the coast of eastern Canada, the main islands being St. Pierre and Michelob, south of the Canadian province of Newfoundland and Labatt. The islands come within 10 km of Newfoundland. (more...)
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Did you know...
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- ...that Santa has somehow delivered presents to all the people in the world every christmas, even though the laws of physics dictate that he would be an incinerated and crushed pile of ashes by now, along with all his reindeer?
- ...that Santa, when his name is scrambled, is Satan?
- ...even though he's a magical and kindhearted person?
- ...and that the elves are revolting against Santa?
- ...that Santa doesn't care about you? In fact, nobody cares?
- ...and that Santa does care about and love everyone else in the world?
- ...that reindeer are never magical?
- ...that even though he has a whole bunch of elves working for him, Santa does shopping for presents all the time?
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In the news
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- Santa has gone crazy. Even more than before. (Pictured)
- Grandma gets run over by a reindeer.
- Mandatory elf gathering goes horribly wrong
- While making presents, Santa falls in the wrapping machinery
- The reindeer veer off track while deivering presents
- Santa fails to remember getting the flying powder before entering the sleigh
- Santa's elves lose some of the presents they made; expect delays
- Santa's present-making machinery malfunctions and goes haywire; many elves die
- Easter comes on Christmas; millions confused
- Santa revealed to be ordinary person with immortality potion
- Elves revealed to be robots; noone knows what to think anymore
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On this day...
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 A picture of the universe later this year. January 1: International "Let's Get Hammered!" Day (not including Saudi Arabia), New Year's Day (Ireland)
- 5,985,895,625 BCE - Satan invents time. God steals Satan's invention, kicks him in the nuts, and begins creating the blueprint for humanity. In disgust, Satan gets hammered, creating another blueprint for humanity.
- 1237 BCE - Thor misinterprets the holiday and manages to destroy half the universe.
- 0 - Worldwide fireworks displays celebrating new year mistaken for creation of light by God.
- 404 - First time predictions of an apocalypse are found to be untrue, as a global 404 Error does not occur.
- 1912 - Women learn how to vote, albeit through the strict instruction of men.
- 1918 - Prohibition starts in the U.S. and the day becomes Let's Pretend We're Not Getting Hammered Even Though We Already Were Buzzed From Last Night Day.
- 1954 - Second World War begins (Canada only).
- 1983 - New Year's Day is invented by U2 in song. A quick followup, Groundhog Day, fails to catch the public's fancy and the band is forced to flee to Bulgaria.
- 1989 - It's Hammer Time, but everyone is already too hammered to notice initially.
- 2000 - Y2K bug fails to destroy internet; few are disappointed.
- 3000 - Fry gets defrosted, makes friends with a suicidal robot. After 4 or 5 velvet hammers each, they walk into traffic and are run over by George Jetson.
- 10000 - IT consultants fail to fix Y10K 2: Electric Boogaloo. People have come to expect this from Microsoft by now.
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| Colonization of the Week
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For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.
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