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Today's featured article – Alexander IV
Alexander the Great was an act that was hard to follow. His empire stretched from Greece to India and as far south as Egypt. For his only male heir — Alexander IV of Macedonia — it would prove impossible to follow. Hence his sobriquet Alexander the Not So Great.
Alexander IV was a weak echo of his father, like Caesarion the son of Julius Caesar, Napoleon II heir of Napoleon I, and various Kennedys, Bushes, and Clintons of United States politics.
Alexander IV arrived in this world a few months after the death of his father in 323 BC. His mother was the fiery Roxane from Bactria on the Persian frontier, a wild land of two-humped camels and savage inter-tribal wars. Roxane was a warrior princess who was disgusted that her father had her married off to some swarthy, Greek-speaking foreigner. So much did she loathe her spouse that she tried to murder him on their wedding night — at least according to Oliver Stone's film about the Macedonian bleached-blond beach bum. After that bumpy start, the couple managed to avoid killing each other, at least until they produced a male heir. (more...)
Previously featured article – Arthur Currie
General Sir Arthur William Currie, GCMB, KCB, KGB, was a Canadian Senior officer during World War I. A prolific commander of the Canadian Expeditionary Force, Currie is among the finest Western front commanders in the war and one of the greatest Canadian officers. However, he is more internationally renowned for his world-class embezzlement; also for his hyper-sensitivity regarding his public image. (more...)
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Did you know...
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- ...that Santa has somehow delivered presents to all the people in the world every christmas, even though the laws of physics dictate that he would be an incinerated and crushed pile of ashes by now, along with all his reindeer?
- ...that Santa, when his name is scrambled, is Satan?
- ...even though he's a magical and kindhearted person?
- ...and that the elves are revolting against Santa?
- ...that Santa doesn't care about you? In fact, nobody cares?
- ...and that Santa does care about and love everyone else in the world?
- ...that reindeer are never magical?
- ...that even though he has a whole bunch of elves working for him, Santa does shopping for presents all the time?
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In the news
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- Santa has gone crazy. Even more than before. (Pictured)
- Grandma gets run over by a reindeer.
- Mandatory elf gathering goes horribly wrong
- While making presents, Santa falls in the wrapping machinery
- The reindeer veer off track while deivering presents
- Santa fails to remember getting the flying powder before entering the sleigh
- Santa's elves lose some of the presents they made; expect delays
- Santa's present-making machinery malfunctions and goes haywire; many elves die
- Easter comes on Christmas; millions confused
- Santa revealed to be ordinary person with immortality potion
- Elves revealed to be robots; noone knows what to think anymore
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On this day...
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October 10: Not-for-Turning Day, International Day of No Underwear
- 1582 - Pope Gregory XIII implements the Gregorian calendar while not wearing any underwear. He announces that turning is immoral.
- 1605 - Miguel Cervantes creates Donkey Kong. Unfortunately for him, Niccolo Machiavelli would always beat him for high score.
- 1807 - Canada defeats The Pirate Nation in the Canadian-Pirate War. Canada turns over a new leaf even though they're not supposed to turn...
- 1815 - Napoleon I of France begins his exile on St. Helena in the Atlantic Ocean. He forgets to pack any underwear. When it was his turn to attack, he refused, stating his famous catchphrase, "Turning will give you herpes."
- 1841 - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow writes the poem Excelsior, extolling the virtues of wood shavings.
- 1921 - Lana Turner is born and immediately gets into trouble.
- 1936 - The Ace Hardware chain is started by Walter Leatherface who really enjoys demonstrating the newly invented chainsaw.
- 1954 - The TV dinner is invented but is only available in black and white.
- 1955 - Jimi Hendrix is spawned from Buddy Holly's guitar and a rum-and-coke while illegally turning on the New Jersey Turnpike.
- 1962 - Transistors replace tubes in TV dinners.
- 1964 - The US destroyer USS Turner Joy lives up to her name by turning and starts the Tonkin Gulf Incident.
- 1975 - USA leads a search for a man named "Charlie" in Vietnam.
- 1980 - Margaret Thatcher declares that she is not for turning, despite the best attempts of pro-turning lobbyists.
- 1995 - Underwear outlawed in Paris. Jim Morrison turns in his grave.
- 2006 - North Korea tests nukes. In response, America builds comsat stations; Iran upgrades zealots; Afghanistan makes turning weapons that have no use.
- 2015 - George Bush dies from a serious case of turning.
- 2015 - Al Gore is arrested for the turning of an undisclosed ex-politician.
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| Colonization of the Week
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For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.
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Today's featured picture
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As you enjoy this Christmas holiday safe at home with your family, please remember the brave men and women who gave their lives in the name of Christmas spirit.
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Writer and Noob of the Month
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- Santa's newest creation, the Elveatron 5000, has written many works of art full of creativity and cunning, and so has earned the title of Writer of the Month.
- Now, how can a robot generate such wonderful writing? Well, Santa programs the robot to generate random strings of letters, numbers, and other characters at insanely fast speeds (1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 per second, in fact) and Santa then picks out the strings that look the best and puts them on Uncyclopedia as presents to all Uncyclopedia users.
- Isn't Santa wonderful?
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Rudolph has recently gone crazy and made really noobish and bad edits recently. So, we've given him the honorary title of Noob of the month. Yes, Rudolph may have guided Santa and his sleigh on those foggy Christmas Eves, but he was taking his medicine then. He yesterday refused to take his medicine and now he is throwing chairs at people and mauling them, and he is making bad edits on Uncyclopedia. OH GOD THERE HE IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!
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Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
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