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Today's featured article – Alexander IV
Alexander the Great was an act that was hard to follow. His empire stretched from Greece to India and as far south as Egypt. For his only male heir — Alexander IV of Macedonia — it would prove impossible to follow. Hence his sobriquet Alexander the Not So Great.
Alexander IV was a weak echo of his father, like Caesarion the son of Julius Caesar, Napoleon II heir of Napoleon I, and various Kennedys, Bushes, and Clintons of United States politics.
Alexander IV arrived in this world a few months after the death of his father in 323 BC. His mother was the fiery Roxane from Bactria on the Persian frontier, a wild land of two-humped camels and savage inter-tribal wars. Roxane was a warrior princess who was disgusted that her father had her married off to some swarthy, Greek-speaking foreigner. So much did she loathe her spouse that she tried to murder him on their wedding night — at least according to Oliver Stone's film about the Macedonian bleached-blond beach bum. After that bumpy start, the couple managed to avoid killing each other, at least until they produced a male heir. (more...)
Previously featured article – Arthur Currie
General Sir Arthur William Currie, GCMB, KCB, KGB, was a Canadian Senior officer during World War I. A prolific commander of the Canadian Expeditionary Force, Currie is among the finest Western front commanders in the war and one of the greatest Canadian officers. However, he is more internationally renowned for his world-class embezzlement; also for his hyper-sensitivity regarding his public image. (more...)
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Did you know...
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- ...that Santa has somehow delivered presents to all the people in the world every christmas, even though the laws of physics dictate that he would be an incinerated and crushed pile of ashes by now, along with all his reindeer?
- ...that Santa, when his name is scrambled, is Satan?
- ...even though he's a magical and kindhearted person?
- ...and that the elves are revolting against Santa?
- ...that Santa doesn't care about you? In fact, nobody cares?
- ...and that Santa does care about and love everyone else in the world?
- ...that reindeer are never magical?
- ...that even though he has a whole bunch of elves working for him, Santa does shopping for presents all the time?
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In the news
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- Santa has gone crazy. Even more than before. (Pictured)
- Grandma gets run over by a reindeer.
- Mandatory elf gathering goes horribly wrong
- While making presents, Santa falls in the wrapping machinery
- The reindeer veer off track while deivering presents
- Santa fails to remember getting the flying powder before entering the sleigh
- Santa's elves lose some of the presents they made; expect delays
- Santa's present-making machinery malfunctions and goes haywire; many elves die
- Easter comes on Christmas; millions confused
- Santa revealed to be ordinary person with immortality potion
- Elves revealed to be robots; noone knows what to think anymore
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On this day...
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July 8: Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde Appreciation Day
- 1773 - After stumbling across a time machine, Oscar Wilde goes back into time to flood the world with fake Benjamin Franklin quotes.
- 1914 - The first National Making Up Oscar Wilde Quotes Championship is held in Surrey, Southamptonshire, Boxbridge, England. Its sponsors would be arrested without charge, leading to the Easter Bunny Rebellion of 1916.
- 1930 - Just months after the Wall Street Crash of 1929, hungry bread line patrons celebrate Oscar Wilde Appreciation Day by reading his works to distract them from the biting July cold and their shoeless state. It doesn't work, as mere words fail to stack up against a hamburger with everything.
- 1947 - Oscar Wilde fever sweeps across the United States, with his play The Duchess of Padua briefly replacing the foxtrot as the "bee's knees". Sequels The Duchess of Padua II, The Duchess of Padua III: Total Blood Revenge and The Duchess of Padua vs. Godzilla all fail to spark the interest of a fickle public.
- 1959 - Presidential hopeful John F. Kennedy reads excerpts of Wilde's poem Ravenna to a sold-out crowd at Rice University. Kennedy mispronounces "Proserpine" and is heckled by an audience member that turns out to be Wilde's ghost.
- 1969 - The IBM CICS is made generally available for the 360 mainframe computer. The first use of this computer is to print out a copy of Wilde's article De Profundis where the last thing Wilde wrote in his manuscript version was "this page intentionally left blank".
- 2007 - Online misinformation source Uncyclopedia places its entry on Oscar Wilde on the front page for the day, and encourages even more atrocious fakes of his famous sayings to be posted in various places throughout the site. It will be years before ninjas track down everyone who submits one, dealing out horrible deaths rivalling anything Genghis Khan ever did plus adding a heaping helping of eternal damnation and suffering on top of that. Some ninjas would later seek help for "anger management issues".
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| Colonization of the Week
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For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.
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Today's featured picture
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As you enjoy this Christmas holiday safe at home with your family, please remember the brave men and women who gave their lives in the name of Christmas spirit.
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Writer and Noob of the Month
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- Santa's newest creation, the Elveatron 5000, has written many works of art full of creativity and cunning, and so has earned the title of Writer of the Month.
- Now, how can a robot generate such wonderful writing? Well, Santa programs the robot to generate random strings of letters, numbers, and other characters at insanely fast speeds (1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 per second, in fact) and Santa then picks out the strings that look the best and puts them on Uncyclopedia as presents to all Uncyclopedia users.
- Isn't Santa wonderful?
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Rudolph has recently gone crazy and made really noobish and bad edits recently. So, we've given him the honorary title of Noob of the month. Yes, Rudolph may have guided Santa and his sleigh on those foggy Christmas Eves, but he was taking his medicine then. He yesterday refused to take his medicine and now he is throwing chairs at people and mauling them, and he is making bad edits on Uncyclopedia. OH GOD THERE HE IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!
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Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
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