Babel:Santa

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Today's featured article – Alexander IV Alexander the Great was an act that was hard to follow. His empire stretched from Greece to India and as far south as Egypt. For his only male heir — Alexander IV of Macedonia — it would prove impossible to follow. Hence his sobriquet Alexander the Not So Great. Alexander IV was a weak echo of his father, like Caesarion the son of Julius Caesar, Napoleon II heir of Napoleon I, and various Kennedys, Bushes, and Clintons of United States politics. Alexander IV arrived in this world a few months after the death of his father in 323 BC. His mother was the fiery Roxane from Bactria on the Persian frontier, a wild land of two-humped camels and savage inter-tribal wars. Roxane was a warrior princess who was disgusted that her father had her married off to some swarthy, Greek-speaking foreigner. So much did she loathe her spouse that she tried to murder him on their wedding night — at least according to Oliver Stone's film about the Macedonian bleached-blond beach bum. After that bumpy start, the couple managed to avoid killing each other, at least until they produced a male heir. (more...) Recently featured: Arthur Currie Star Trek Windows XP Archive Vote for featured articles Previously featured article – Arthur Currie General Sir Arthur William Currie, GCMB, KCB, KGB, was a Canadian Senior officer during World War I. A prolific commander of the Canadian Expeditionary Force, Currie is among the finest Western front commanders in the war and one of the greatest Canadian officers. However, he is more internationally renowned for his world-class embezzlement; also for his hyper-sensitivity regarding his public image. (more...) Did you know... ...that Santa has somehow delivered presents to all the people in the world every christmas, even though the laws of physics dictate that he would be an incinerated and crushed pile of ashes by now, along with all his reindeer? ...that Santa, when his name is scrambled, is Satan? ...even though he's a magical and kindhearted person? ...that Santa is mean to his elves? ...and that the elves are revolting against Santa? ...that Santa doesn't care about you? In fact, nobody cares? ...and that Santa does care about and love everyone else in the world? ...that reindeer are never magical? ...that even though he has a whole bunch of elves working for him, Santa does shopping for presents all the time?

In the news Santa has gone crazy. Even more than before. (Pictured) Grandma gets run over by a reindeer. There's a new threat to christmas this year. Christmas is shortened, somehow Mandatory elf gathering goes horribly wrong While making presents, Santa falls in the wrapping machinery The reindeer veer off track while deivering presents Santa fails to remember getting the flying powder before entering the sleigh Santa's elves lose some of the presents they made; expect delays Santa's present-making machinery malfunctions and goes haywire; many elves die Rudolph goes crazy Santa becomes mean; the elves revolt Easter comes on Christmas; millions confused Santa revealed to be ordinary person with immortality potion Elves revealed to be robots; noone knows what to think anymore On this day... August 28: International Horniness Day 2,000,000 BCE - Homo flaccidus has a hard time getting a date. 1,000,000 BCE - Homo erectus gets horny and manages to get his own boner without assistance. 100,000 BCE - Homo erectus finally loses its erection and becomes sapiens. 90,000 BCE - Adam and Eve become horny. 33 CE - Jesus is horny for the last time. 489 - Theodoric, King of the Ostrogoths defeats Odoacer, King of Cers at the Battle of Iseeyourgonzoandraiseyouaspliff. 1729 - Man discovers his hand, women are now useful for cooking, cleaning and raising children only. 1845 - The first issue of Unscientific Horny American is published. The centerfold, which features a different Nobel-Prize-winning scientist each month, proves unpopular, and is discontinued almost immediately. 1924 - The first Horny & Hardart food automat and sex emporium is erected. 1941 - Miso Horny is named Japan's National Soup. 1942 - Teddy Roosevelt is found to be horny in Jacksonville, Florida. He is promptly arrested. 1988 - In Soviet Russia, Russian Reversal jokes become punishable by death so all quotes based on 1987 statements are redacted. 1993 - Haim Saban, after drinking heavily, creates Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. 2009 - Tiger Woods's controversial solution to chronic horniness is made public. 2010 - Giant Horny Cheese invades Earth and takes Hailers hostage. Colonization of the Week For the glory of her majesty Help us clear the ivy of crap, and plant the seeds of humour.

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As you enjoy this Christmas holiday safe at home with your family, please remember the brave men and women who gave their lives in the name of Christmas spirit.

Writer and Noob of the Month

Santa's newest creation, the Elveatron 5000, has written many works of art full of creativity and cunning, and so has earned the title of Writer of the Month. Now, how can a robot generate such wonderful writing? Well, Santa programs the robot to generate random strings of letters, numbers, and other characters at insanely fast speeds (1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 per second, in fact) and Santa then picks out the strings that look the best and puts them on Uncyclopedia as presents to all Uncyclopedia users. Isn't Santa wonderful? Rudolph has recently gone crazy and made really noobish and bad edits recently. So, we've given him the honorary title of Noob of the month. Yes, Rudolph may have guided Santa and his sleigh on those foggy Christmas Eves, but he was taking his medicine then. He yesterday refused to take his medicine and now he is throwing chairs at people and mauling them, and he is making bad edits on Uncyclopedia. OH GOD THERE HE IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...! Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners You now only have 3, goddamnit 3 days to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month, GET VOTING!!

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