Today's featured article – Star Trek
Star Trek was a government-mandated Pavlovian conditioning method to keep left-wing radicals and other kooks locked in their homes, staring at an electron gun with glass in front of it.
Gene Roddenberry (Star Trek's creator) hated the planet Earth after falling off his bike onto it, badly grazing a knee. "The only reason every damn television series is set on this damn planet is because of institutional racism — nothing more, nothing less," he commented. His words here spoken by an actor in a weak attempt to conceal inebriation at the hands of Klingon Mind Laager. "But it's ridiculous; there's billions of planets out there and only one of them is Earth. Unless of course you count parallel universes, which I do ... but that's just a hobby, and to be honest, I've lost count."
Roddenberry also despised hats. No one in the Federation ever wears one, except while disguised on a backwards planet plagued by social ills and long-winded speeches. Not even when they're trapped on an ice planet and freezing to death do crewmen wear hats. This is because Roddenberry realized hats are the symbol both of corrupt monarchies and of organized religions. (more...)
Previously featured article – Windows XP
Windows XP, aka NT 5.1.2600, Windows XD or Windows :P is a detestable operating system. It remains Microsoft's "best" system to date, being far superior to subsequent products according to most late adopters.[1] It had an innovative graphical user interface compared to the bloatware known as MS-DOS, while taking up only 40 gigs of disk space. Its file system interacted fully with more dominant operating systems such as OS/2 Warp and Linux, and it featured enhanced mouse support, although still lacking rat support. (more...)
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Did you know...
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- ...that Santa has somehow delivered presents to all the people in the world every christmas, even though the laws of physics dictate that he would be an incinerated and crushed pile of ashes by now, along with all his reindeer?
- ...that Santa, when his name is scrambled, is Satan?
- ...even though he's a magical and kindhearted person?
- ...and that the elves are revolting against Santa?
- ...that Santa doesn't care about you? In fact, nobody cares?
- ...and that Santa does care about and love everyone else in the world?
- ...that reindeer are never magical?
- ...that even though he has a whole bunch of elves working for him, Santa does shopping for presents all the time?
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In the news
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- Santa has gone crazy. Even more than before. (Pictured)
- Grandma gets run over by a reindeer.
- Mandatory elf gathering goes horribly wrong
- While making presents, Santa falls in the wrapping machinery
- The reindeer veer off track while deivering presents
- Santa fails to remember getting the flying powder before entering the sleigh
- Santa's elves lose some of the presents they made; expect delays
- Santa's present-making machinery malfunctions and goes haywire; many elves die
- Easter comes on Christmas; millions confused
- Santa revealed to be ordinary person with immortality potion
- Elves revealed to be robots; noone knows what to think anymore
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On this day...
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April 1: April Fools Day
- 1926 - April Emily Fools is born to Herb and Emma Fools in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Human agents of Cthulhu take notice and report to headquarters.
- 1930 - April begins her life outside the limelight when her sister Judith is born. Inhuman agents of Cthulhu are sent to Milwaukee.
- 1938 - At the age of twelve, Fools first shows an interest in baking when she helps her grandmother, the well-known Rose Fools, bake cookies. The Million Favored Ones steal cookies but all are eaten before being brought before Cthulhu.
- 1942 - April suffers her first true heartbreak when her sister Judith makes the cheerleading squad over her, gets the lead in the school play, and steals her boyfriend Johnny on the same day. This is all part of the plan of dark forces to drive April insane. Instead she gets angry, taking it out on a tree on the way home from school that is actually the Dunwich Horror in disguise.
- 1944 - Fools lands her first job, working at a tank tread manufacturing plant in downtown Milwaukee. A group of Azagoths attempt to kidnap April, but are squashed in their hiding place by a tank tread.
- 1947 - After a lengthy engagement, April marries Albert Cranston in Madison, Wisconsin.
- 1952 - Upon the suggestion of a friend, April begins a small baked goods business from her own kitchen. Cthonians are tasked with stealing more cookies but pig out and end up exploding two blocks from the house.
- 1955 - April and Albert welcome their first child into the world: Richard Cranston, named after his paternal grandfather. Cthulhu's minions attempt to kidnap the child during a thunderstorm, but a suspiciously well-placed lightning bolt stops the scheme cold.
- 1957 - The Cranston family welcomes their second child, Judy. An attempt to kidnap her is foiled when Voormi are crippled by Legos left on the floor by Richard.
- 1964 - Albert's job as a box factory floor supervisor requires the Cranstons to relocate to Fargo, North Dakota. This is all part of the plan to lure April to the Arctic stronghold of the Elder Gods.
- 1970 - April enjoys what she would later describe as 'the rush of a lifetime' when appearing on a local television program instructing children how to bake brownies. The agents of Cthulhu completely miss this as they are watching cartoons on a different channel.
- 1978 - Albert and April become grandparents to Henry Cranston. Lincoln Logs, slip and fall, blah, blah, blah.
- 1994 - April Emily Fools-Cranston passes away in her hometown of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Her birthday is declared a national holiday. Cthulhu returns to his underwater lair but not before firing all his inhuman resources staff.
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| Colonization of the Week
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For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.
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