Today's featured article – Arthur Currie
General Sir Arthur William Currie, GCMB, KCB, KGB, was a Canadian Senior officer during World War I. A prolific commander of the Canadian Expeditionary Force, Currie is among the finest Western front commanders in the war and one of the greatest Canadian officers. However, he is more internationally renowned for his world-class embezzlement; also for his hyper-sensitivity regarding his public image.
Currie was born on December 5, 1875 in the tiny hamlet of Napperton, Ontario. Currie's last name was originally Curry, but, once he got out of "nappers" in 1897, he changed the spelling to avoid being mistaken for either his rival Arthur Curry (the reader knows him as Aquaman) or the popular Indian dish of the same name.
Currie had planned to pursue law or medicine but the convenient death of his father when Currie was 15 made this financially moronic. Currie then pursued teaching; joining the Canada Militia in 1897 was merely a part-time side-hustle. When the poor wages gained from the painful job of educating the devilish spawn of Canada became apparent, Currie stoped dilly-dallying and gave into his destiny as a full-time military man. (more...)
Previously featured article – Star Trek
Star Trek was a government-mandated Pavlovian conditioning method to keep left-wing radicals and other kooks locked in their homes, staring at an electron gun with glass in front of it. (more...)
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Did you know...
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- ...that Santa has somehow delivered presents to all the people in the world every christmas, even though the laws of physics dictate that he would be an incinerated and crushed pile of ashes by now, along with all his reindeer?
- ...that Santa, when his name is scrambled, is Satan?
- ...even though he's a magical and kindhearted person?
- ...and that the elves are revolting against Santa?
- ...that Santa doesn't care about you? In fact, nobody cares?
- ...and that Santa does care about and love everyone else in the world?
- ...that reindeer are never magical?
- ...that even though he has a whole bunch of elves working for him, Santa does shopping for presents all the time?
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In the news
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- Santa has gone crazy. Even more than before. (Pictured)
- Grandma gets run over by a reindeer.
- Mandatory elf gathering goes horribly wrong
- While making presents, Santa falls in the wrapping machinery
- The reindeer veer off track while deivering presents
- Santa fails to remember getting the flying powder before entering the sleigh
- Santa's elves lose some of the presents they made; expect delays
- Santa's present-making machinery malfunctions and goes haywire; many elves die
- Easter comes on Christmas; millions confused
- Santa revealed to be ordinary person with immortality potion
- Elves revealed to be robots; noone knows what to think anymore
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On this day...
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May 1: National Whoopy-Doo It's May Day, Oy Oy Oy! Men Hot unz tsebrojn dem Tujes Day (Israel)
- Beginning of Time - May is invented, as a 61-day-long April is deemed 'boring' and 'flabby.'
- 984 - Æthelred II, ever unready, shows up late with his April Fools' Day gag.
- 1276 - Klingons unsuccessfully lick Norway's butt hole. An unknown number of them discover that yes, today IS a good day to die.
- 1707 - The Act of Union joins the Kingdom of England and Kingdom of Scotland to form the Kingdom of Great Britain. Afterwards, they both enjoy a cigarette.
- 1881 - An atom is split in Czechoslovakia, and a week is spent trying to sew it back together. (pictured)
- 1886 - Several syndicalists are hanged in Haymarket, Chicago for taking the rest of the day off.
- 1930 - The dwarf planet Pluto is officially named. Disney sues.
- 1931 - Frustrated by his ongoing lawsuit, Walt Disney bites the penis off of a six-year-old Jewish boy.
- 1972 - A passenger plane crashes, killing all aboard, in the confusion stemming from having a May Pole put up in the coach cabin. The black box recording of their all-too-joyous cries of "May Day! May Day!" as the plane falls towards certain doom bring tears around the world when it is broadcast.
- 1999 - SpongeBob SquarePants emerges from the deep recesses of Hell and delivers the message of Satan around the world, putting them under Satan's spell and possessing the Earth.
- 2000 - Douglas Adams predicts the Y3K problem. All computers and networks employing ternary logic are presumed at risk.
- 2001 - Hal and Dave finally make up their differences. Despite this, Hal still refuses to "open the pod bay doors" for Dave.
- 2004 - George W. Bush is pinched and punched by Jeb Bush for it being the first day of the month. George runs away to his dad, George H. W. Bush, who proceeds to spank them both.
- 2011 - Bin Laden officially loses his hide and seek game.
- 2012 - Dogs are deemed "unfit for purpose" by God Inc. They are replaced by alligators.
- 2020 - A future predicting device is found, police rewarding $1,000,000 to the lucky person who finds the own... Ah shit!
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| Colonization of the Week
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For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.
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