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Today's Featured Article

Today's featured article – Chess pieces

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Chess is often thought of as a game for pretentious tossers, and for teenage nerds in need of a competitive pastime that doesn’t necessarily end with them being wedgied. But this image is outdated. These days the game is also played by boxers desperate to show that repeated brain trauma has not affected their intelligence.

Though some rules of the game have been adapted slowly over the millennia, the pieces have remained mostly unchanged and continue to move in much the same way as they did for intellectual wannabes in ancient India, friendless geeks in Sassanid Persia, and social inadequates in Moorish Spain.

When a game begins, each side starts with eight pawns (Australian English: Shrimps) - twelve short of a barbie. As the least valuable and most expendable member of your army, your pawns should be assigned a place in the front rank of the infantry. Do not waste body-armour or weapons on these grunts. Advanced players use terror and centuries of oppression to compel their pawns to advance unarmed and unarmoured across the open battlefield, even in the face of airborne attack from the Rooks. (more...)

Previously featured article – John Mahama

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John Dramani Mahama (born 29 November 1958) is the 12th and 14th President of Ghana, his current term having begun on 7 January 2025. Ghanaian voters were inspired by Donald Trump being both the 45th and 47th U.S. President and anxious to prove that Ghana could do it too. They were also ready for another go, having had four years to recover from Mahama's first Presidency. (more...)

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Selected anniversaries

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June 19: Faja Day (Netherlands); Irony Is Ironic Day (UK)

  • 1138 - George Lucas devises the evil world-conquering plan of THX.
  • 1269 - King Louis IX of France orders all Jews found in public without an identifying yellow badge to be fined, "if they want to be fined, but really, if they want trouble, run away quickly, cause I think they breathe fire and stuff".
  • 1770 - Somebody says "Jesus is coming soon". His followers are still waiting.
  • 1776 - In the beginning of the American Revolution, the Boston Herald proclaims: "HOLY SHIT! WE'RE WINNING!"
  • 1792 - The Holy Puzzle Potato of St. Sophia is found missing from the French treasury. (pictured)
  • 1816 - William Henry Webb is born; he vows to make a world wide name for himself. Invents extremely silly game.
  • 1865 - Slaves in Texas finally figure out that they're free, only two years after being told so.
  • 1866 - Slaves in Texas, after much debate, decide to go back to being slaves because they don't know what else to do.
  • 1867 - Slaves in Texas realize that they can breathe fire and shoot lasers out of their eyes, and soon proceed to take over the Bush administration.
  • 1939 - Eleanor Roosevelt gets the first tramp stamp.
  • 1953 - The Rosenbergs commit suicide by electric chair in Sing Sing Sing Prison.
  • 1980 - Freddy Mercury spies a silhouette on the wall.
  • 1983 - Batman has New Year's Eve Party at Wayne Manor. In attendance are Spiderman, Superman, and Wonder Woman among others, but a lonely Bruce Banner is left out of the loop.
  • 1984 - The Incredible Hulk is born.
  • 1989 - Hamburger Helper slaps Chef Boyardee; Valachi family outraged.
  • 2007 - Gary Coleman's low budget commercial is aired on ABC.
  • 2008 - Jamie Lynn Spears gives birth to bastard daughter, Maddie.
  • 2009 - Osama Bin Laden voted biggest dick in universe for ninth straight year.
  • 2010 - Neo enters the Matrix again. Changes back to Mr. Anderson.

Archived Anniversaries

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Writer and Noob of the Month

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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.


Noobaward.png
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!


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It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!

HEIL FROSTY!


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