Ipswich, Queensland
Ipswich is Australia's "Crown Jewel City".[1] Located in Queensland in the centre of a deep crater, it is famed for its beautiful architecture[2], world famous artists[3] and its cultured citizens[4]. It is surely the holiest city in Australia.[5]
History[edit]
The area now known as Ipswich was first discovered[6] and settled in 1066 by William the Conqueror's first cousin, Jason Donovan, an explorer.[7] He was a man with a mission, looking to outdo his ancestor William Cox who not only discovered the Blue Mountains but roadbuilding as well. Recently discovered diary entries reveal Donovan's first thoughts of the area as "a land of milk and honey with plenty a stream to catch the catfish and plenty a field to shoot the roo. Surely amidst these peaceful vales shall I raise the most perfect village of Ipshite". Some historians think that the area's name otherwise comes from an aboriginal native phrase.[8]
Donovan himself hand picked the first settlers[9] and set very high standards of education and decorum.[10] Only the finest minds were allowed into the new colony and within only a few short years it became widely acknowledged as the centre of the Renaissance.[11]
During the 17th Century the city began to boom with immigrants from all across the world[12] coming to enjoy its bountiful gardens and beautiful women.[13] The large amount of people in such a packed environment led to the city slowly sinking deeper and deeper into the ground. By 1842, Ipswich, a name which means "city on a pretty sweet hill",[14] had now sunk so far that all trees began to die due to lack of sunlight.[15] Because Ipswich was such a beautiful city before "the fall", the houses in the city were very expensive. Many people were homeless, with only 2% owning a house.[16] The continuous sinking had led to a lack of indoor plumbing.[17]
The city has not changed much since the 1850s.[18] Things changed in a major way in 1947 when Charles Winfield, owner of Winfield cigarettes, purchased all the stores in Ipswich and began to sell "Winnie Blues" as a substitute for Macdonalds. This led to the entire population of Ipswich switching to Winnie Blues.[19]
When visiting Ipswich you should always wear a safety helmet and bring a torch because the descent is so deep and dangerous. Also be prepared as Ipswichians will greet new visitors in the most friendly fashion imaginable.[20]
Population[edit]
There are over two million people living in Ipswich.[21] Most of them reside in the gigantic airbase that currently is the sole reason for the cities existence.[22] The balance live in the many high-rises and modern apartments which dot the city's skyline, or have a second house in Brisbane and live there.[23]
Ipswichians are a diverse group.[24] There is a thriving Latin quarter[25] as well as a warmly welcomed Asian community[26] The festival season, which stretches from spring to autumn, is the time when each of the different communities celebrate their diversity.[27] Their colorful ceremonies[28] are a sight to behold and are a must-see for tourists.[29]
Most of the residents of Ipswich work[citation needed] at the airbase or attend[citation needed] one of the five great universities within the city. Four of these universities were in the top ten educational institutes in the world last year (2015).[30] They stand as equals among the most famous halls of learning.[31]. Graduates of these universities are among the most highly paid employees in the known world.[32]
There are three major groups who live in Ipswich:
Bogans. These are the descendants of the earliest residents of Ipswich[33]. Their ancestors arrived here with promises of the most beautiful and intelligent people there had ever been. After six generations of inbreeding, the residents devolved into Homo boganus, which translates to "man with beer and mullet". Bogans can now be seen hanging around the Ipswich city square eating at McDonald's, smoking Winnie Blues and drinking VB.[34] They are easily spooked by the presence of homosexuals and ethnic minorities and are often found in packs which migrate via buses and trains. These folk are also very superstitious. They will often cover their beers with their hands when not drinking it to prevent bad spirits from making their beer go flat or worse, non-alcoholic.
Air Force personnel. They are usually assigned there under orders from the highest authority.[35] Unless they are a pilot and have to live within 10 minutes of base, all military folk live in Brisvegas.[36] Pilots and crews fly at all hours, in all kinds of weather, every day of the year.[37] Practise drills are usually carried out without weapons.[38]
Uni students. The university students that are seen throughout Ipswich belong to the "school is boring" club. These people did poorly at school and instead of going to QUT or Griffith they wished to go to a real university. Since UQ at St. Lucia is harder to get into then a nun's bed,[39] they had to settle for Ipswich. Most of the students here smoke weed 24/7[40] to avoid dealing with the fact that they go to Ipswich. Most of the students here pass and do better than their brothers at St. Lucia because all the girls in the town are moles and are therefore not distractions.[41] There is nothing for entertainment but a library at the campus. This allows male students to focus their raging libidos and contempt for society into a white hot ball of nerdy power that helps them pass every subject. Once lectures are over students leave for home in what is called by many naturalists "the great exodus".[42] All the students run to their cars after their lectures, rolling up their windows and cranking up their stereos.[43] They flee Ipswich in order to escape the toxic air, consisting of one part Winfield Blues 25s, two parts radiation, and one part jet fuel.[44]
Industries[edit]
The wealthiest people in town are publicans. With ninety pubs and a dozen sleazy nightclubs all located on the same street, many wonder how these establishments can all co-exist within a stones throw of each other. Thanks to a booming unemployment rate and an average age of 74, the citizens can really support their main local industry. However, this makes it very difficult to find an available pokie machine or bar stool on any given weekday.[45]
Its hospital is the best in the nation in every category[46] except proctology.[47]
It is also the place where Mr. Kipling famously put five tarts in a box in December 2006, and Bernard Matthews was suspected of slaughtering yet more birds.[48]
Sport[edit]
Residents of the 'Switch pass time by playing the pokies, going to the speedway, having glass fights in pubs, and watching television.[49] The Ipswich Kookaburras football club are well known in Australia.[50] Horse racing remains popular despite the 2010 closing of the local racetrack.[51] Many Ipswichians are keen fishermen.[52]
Music[edit]
Ipswich is the home of the oboe.[53] It is a rare home that doesn't have an oboe.[54] Classical music[citation needed] has a great audience in Ipswich and most weekends are filled with concerts or recitals in the Civic Centre.[55] Chamber music is a particular favourite, with audience participation a unique feature.[56] Ipswich has eighteen radio stations dedicated to Vivaldi alone, although this number is set to climb after the town recently won the right to have the composer's remains re-interred in the local cemetery.[57] He will be buried next to modernist British composer John Tavener[58] and Australia's most decorated percussionist/keyboardist.[59]
Philosophy[edit]
Nietzsche once wrote "Ipswich has no god but that which loves knowledge".[60] This has since forever associated the city with the great thinkers. A custom peculiar only to Ipswich sees every citizen spending Friday night in deep conversation with his neighbour debating the topics of the week. The winners of this first debate then proceed to debate against other winners in their local streets until a suburb winner is decided. The suburban winners then battle it out on the Sunday afternoon, usually in front of a packed auditorium for the right to be named "Mass Debater of the Week".
The winner of this title has complete diplomatic immunity for the entire week or until he is next defeated in debate. Those citizens use their immunity to criticise governing bodies like the UN or the Federal Government.[61]
Footnotes[edit]
- ↑ of the bogans
- ↑ if rusted-out caravans is your thing
- ↑ only after the kidnap of Kylie Minogue, though in the fine arts field, the taggers are quite fast
- ↑ kidnapped socialite Dame Edna
- ↑ mind you, being in a crater and all
- ↑ not that kangaroos and First People count for that
- ↑ searching for the source of the elusive coca plant
- ↑ from the Yuggera language, meaning "don't build here, ground's too soft"
- ↑ He was later charged with molestation and was sentenced to transportation. Ironically, this was back to Ipswich.
- ↑ No talking in class.
- ↑ ... Faire, the first of its kind and the last to have a proper Bubonic Plague epidemic
- ↑ at least those that didn't sail off the edge of the earth
- ↑ or vice versa. Beat you to it.
- ↑ according to local realtors
- ↑ though not the first time an Australian city had sunk so low. Take Canberra for instance.
- ↑ much improved now, with over 4% owning a house, 8% living in one and 19% knowing how to spell "house"
- ↑ No worries, the annual flooding takes care of everything.
- ↑ therefore, the continued tradition of "Bullwhip the Abos Day" and "June is Chunder Month"
- ↑ It's the cooling mentholated filter and opium that does it.
- ↑ So don't let them get behind you. Most will want to bring something that says "Ruger" or "Glock" on it, then. The truly careful may want to sew every orifice shut before visiting.
- ↑ since people there breed like rabbits on Viagra. This led to other states building the famous Ipswichian-proof fence around Queensland. Thankfully, a serial killer is reversing the situation. An experimental program of catch-and-release and sterilisation (hard kick in the bollocks) also seems to be proving effective.
- ↑ The runway tarmac is nice and warm in the winter and the grassy spaces between are cool in summer.
- ↑ Or so they say. Studies have shown most other residents just hang out on streetcorners or spend all their lives in pubs, hiding under the tables at closing time.
- ↑ This means their skin tone ranges from a pasty fluorescent white to a deep fake orange tone from cheap tanning creme.
- ↑ also known as UN Refugee Camp 36
- ↑ Kindly just ignore the racist chanting coming from outside.
- ↑ by setting alight each others communities when the winds are favourable
- ↑ to ask their Gods or Pope to bring devastation on their tormentors
- ↑ assuming your favourite movie is Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
- ↑ as ranked by profitability for its owners including beer and drug sales
- ↑ like ITT Tech, Trump University and Hogwarts
- ↑ This is because they are paid in Zimbabwean currency with an exchange rate of Z$ 210 quadrillion to A$ 1 (2015). That explains the reason for the now-traditional graduation gift of a wheelbarrow or even a JBC.
- ↑ not including the goannas who now run things
- ↑ Victoria Bitters, originally made from the tears of HRH Queen Victoria
- ↑ They pissed off the Air Chief Marshal
- ↑ Brisbane to the unintitiated
- ↑ to prevent being in Ipswich as much as possible
- ↑ No bombs are ever allowed, as the temptation to attack the airbase or the city proper is too great. Jet engine noise and strafing are considered sufficient to irritate the locals. Further, a minimal amount of fuel is carried to prevent crews from defecting to North Korea. They do often make it to Lord Howe Island, which just shows how bad the navigators are.
- ↑ Don't knock it till you've tried it.
- ↑ in fact, not cannabis but weeds taken from empty lots and gardens, along with the occasional Christmas wreath or discarded funeral arrangement
- ↑ unless you are hot for squinty types that are really good diggers
- ↑ which can be seen on television in slow motion and narrated by Pommie David Attenborough
- ↑ if windows and stereos have not already been stolen by bunyips
- ↑ considered "best by government test" in terms of flavour and thickness (2007)
- ↑ No worries again. Between bogans trying to break into the pokie machines and getting electrocuted and drunks forever falling off their stools and rolling into a corner to sleep it off, a typical wait is ten minutes tops on a Saturday.
- ↑ due to its huge body of experience with alcohol poisoning, head trauma from bar stool falls, self-inflicted shootings, pokie machine electrocutions, etc.
- ↑ Several Ipswichians remain in hospital while doctors figure out how to extract vehicles like Ford Territories and Kenworth T604s from their behinds. One unfortunate has had an AMI Standard Vanguard up his patootie since 1974 and it is hoped that rust will take care of it whilst a good laxative could not.
- ↑ He legged it when authorities came to question him and was last seen in Drummette, Turkey.
- ↑ where they watch poker shows, motor racing highlights and police procedurals
- ↑ as perennial doormats since they insist on playing by FIFA rules and everyone else plays by Australian rules
- ↑ Racing is now held indoors in pubs and is dangerous as anyone could be passing through a doorway as horses and riders come down to the finish line.
- ↑ As Oz trout have turned into ferocious meat eaters and can now last out of water for up to a half hour, it is best to have bait or a proper lure on a line handy as a distraction if you encounter a hungry gang of them.
- ↑ In Soviet Russia, oboe is home to Ipswich.
- ↑ used for filtering homemade corn liquor
- ↑ coinciding with dollar beer nights
- ↑ everyone brings their own chamber pots.
- ↑ as soon as the pub crawl carrying his coffin is done, estimated to be sometime in 2021
- ↑ who refuses to stay dead and rises from his grave to front INXS on tour.
- ↑ Skippy the Bush Kangaroo OBE
- ↑ He also wrote the the lyrics to "Who Put the Booger on My Beer Stein (When I Was Dancing With My Kishka)?"
- ↑ and to park in red zones. That is, immunity is mostly used to park in red zones. And smuggle in drugs and slaves, too. Not to mention running around naked and jumping out of bushes to scare old ladies.
