Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi

Star Wars Episode IDK: RIP Old Generation (1977–2017), Let the Past Die
This poster from the Fro Design Company, teasing a fan-made film that will be addressing some issues with the film in this article. They just need the rights of Disney and $200 million, so expect to see it sometime soon.
Directed by	Ryan Johnson
Produced by	The New Generation
Written by	Ryan Johnson
Starring	By the end of it, no one.
Music by	John Williams
Cinematography	Maz Kanata
Edited by	Lor San Tekka
Production company	Lucasfilm
Distributed by	Disney
Release date(s)	December 15, 2017  (2017 -12-15)
Running time	OMFG the darn thing is still going? It should've ended 40 MINUTES AGO. Feels like 450 minutes.
Country	United States
Language	English
Budget	Lavish even though the special effects look awkward/amateurish at points
Box office	$1,332,539,889

“I mean, what I had to try and make sense of was the scenario based on my view of the character...he was the most idealistic character, he was the most optimistic character...I said you know even if I did something ghastly like picking the wrong young student, that I would redouble my efforts; I wouldn't just go off to an island for 30 years. But, that's not my job; I have to do what I can do the best to realize the vision of the writer, in this case Rian Johnson. I mean, it was tough on me, because I was sort of old school George Lucas, and you have to make way for the new generation. I had to figure out how can I best make this work and there's lots of that story I made up for myself, that wouldn't concern the audience in any way and that's when I made the analogy of being The Beatles generation, where all you need is love and in effect, in a way, we failed because I think the world is worse than it was then. I also drink titty-milk from a walrus, because she is the walrus.”

~ Mark Hamill's thoughts on Luke's actions

Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi is a 2017 American epic space opera film directed by Ryan Rian Johnson. It is a movie that happened to have Star Wars in the title the eighth film to be released in the Star Wars saga, somehow the second in the sequel trilogy, the eighth in terms of internal chronology, the first in terms of everyone finally admitting that the series had lost it yet again, and the only Star Wars sequel to have spawned successful memes (albeit for all the wrong reasons).

The Last Jedi is the sequel to The Force Wakes Up and continues the story of Rey who has no last name (yet). It starts in 34 ABY with her finding old man Luke Skywalker, but it turns out that he is all depressed and doesn't want to tell her how to be a Jedi. Meanwhile, Finn and Rose (a new hated character) decide to go to Space Vegas where they ride alien deer-ponies and vandalize the city by destroying it, which they should get arrested for if you ask me!

The film was solely given (if you can believe it, because there are conflicting reports) to Rian Johnson, who was given no notes, no structure, no outline, and full creative control to subvert your expectations. It suffered from the death of Carrie Fisher, the pain of disillusioned fans, and Mark Hamill's mark-etable disagreement where he told the press-cleared-with-Disney that he "fundamentally disagreed" with every choice taken by his character in the script.

Children of all ages saw The Last Jedi, and many parents were relieved that a fun-filled (albeit maybe a little dark) space romp could help them escape from reality with their escapist fantasies, only to find that the movie had shocking themes of terrorism, apathy, arguments about political ideologies, mass murder, contemplated child murder, animal slavery and cruelty, hopelessness, the nuclear war economy, subverted expectations, awesome explosions, and the lack of planning regarding the sequel trilogy several important socio-economic issues. It was reported in China that upon viewing the film, 60% of average moviegoers believed that their intelligence had been insulted, while the remaining 40% would report feeling that their entire world had been shattered. To this day, this post-modern art piece is argued over by thousands of experts and nerds trying to figure out if it was actually good or not. Big controversy, the fandom breaks up like The Beatles, Luke milked a weird walrus thing (another Beatles reference), yadayada Rian ruined the movie, The End.

Plot

No main title or text crawl, this movie starts fresh off The Force Awakens.

.....

JUST KIDDING, subverted expectations!

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

STAR WARS
EPISODE VIII
THE LAST JEDI

The SECOND ORDER reigns supreme. Having decimated the peaceful Republic, Supreme Leader Snake now deploys his dimwitted soldiers to seize control of the galaxy.

Only Captain Leia Organa and her band of #RESISTANCE drummers and guitarists stand against the sitting threat, certain that Jedi Master Luke Skywalker will return and do nothing to help.

But the #Resistance has been exposed on Twitter. As the First Order speeds toward the rebel base, the people must try to make a desperate escape.... (before being cancelled)

---

So you want to know what happened yeah? I ain't going to tell you.

..........

BOOM, subverted your exceptions again there didn't I?

WARNING: The following description contains may or may not contain spoilers, because they retconned much of this in Rise of Skywalker.

The film was split into four separate storylines (the opening battle with the yo mama joke, the casino planet environmentalist adventure, the storyline with Rey and Old Man Luke, and the storyline with Kylo Ren getting into a fight/love affair with Rey plus the final battle on the salt planet), but viewers tended to only focus on three of them, since nobody cares for the other one involving a casino and some animals. Due to this film giving the viewer cinematic whiplash, the section below has been divided in three, to cover each plot separately.

Hyperspace-Ramming Route

The dark side of the First Order is still crawling on people, and the light side is trying to fight them. Due to a major lie about midi-chlorians causing Force-sensitivity, many believed that the Resistance had gone extinct. However, they are wrong, and are absolutely oblivious to their mistake the whole time. It instead turns out the Resistance got doxxed by the galactic government mere moments after it was confirmed that they blew up a planet which housed Starkiller Base. The First Order get to order their regiments to the planet first as the other galactic paramilitaries are currently searching for survivors from the six planets that were blown up in the last movie, which is why they are never seen. A Dreadnaught appears during the last stages of the evacuation and Poe "Maverick" Dameron is dispatched to negotiate a ceasefire by "yo mama" prank call. After a nice dogfight — made possible by BB-8 mutilating itself to keep the broken ship putting along — Poe is having this wonderful winning streak and feeling good, then calls in every single bomber to quote "Bomb the shit outta them." General Leia is unable to convince the bombers to stay away and even though the evacuation had been completed has to hold her ground.

The bombers comically explode, along with the Dreadnaught. The Resistance ships jump into Hyperspace and get away. However, the First Order is able to find them in seconds and continue the assault, breaking the galaxy record for longest on-screen spaceship siege. Now, understandably you'd think it'd be the Force powers of Snoke or a spy that gave away their location. Turns out technology advanced and the ships have a special Hyperspace tracker. On a rebel cruiser, Leia gets blown into space and hits a comet, and is never seen again but manages to Force-pull her way back onto the ship. It feels like this could be the end of the rebellion movement...

...well, they'll still have Luke to help them, right?

The Phantom Menace Flashback-Inducing Sequence

Lava-Rose Girl and Shark-Finn Boy head to weird off-world casino planet Canto Bight to have a weird side-quest. There they find the a guy who can disable the First Order's Hyperspace tracker, but end up illegally parking their ship on a popular beach area without a tourist visa and wind up in jail. Here, this con man strings them along, managing to not only get paid to break into the First Order's ship but also do the ethical thing: inform them of the various flaws (security and scanning systems), hand over the rebels resisters, get one of his allies executed, and make a shit ton more money from that within the space of twenty minutes.

Damn, I hope Luke can also help save the day...or something.

Jedi Training? More Like, No Ex-plaining!

Some heckin' Porgs set off the grenado-roni.

Meanwhile, Jedi Knight Rey has followed a map given to her by Jedi Master Luke Skywalker. The map leads to an island on the planet Aahch-To, where Rey encounters...an old war veteran on the verge of suicide, who looks extremely confused about why this young woman is visiting him there. Luke receives a lightsaber from Rey but, believing it to be a grenade, he calmly throws it off the cliff behind him, and walks off back home. It takes Rey takes three screen-wipes to realize that Luke has become a crack-pot conspiracy theorist hermit. He doesn't care about Han anymore because Solo walked out on his sister, and refuses to train Rey as he believes that the Jedi ⁠— according to several outdated texts about them that he's found over his travels ⁠— were inherently evil. Thus, Skywalker now lives off a diet off space-whale meat, cabbage, and a walrus-mother's green milk, because the planet's blue milk (ocean saltwater) tasted rough, coarse, and irritating.

Luke also had set Kylo Ren down his dark path, but ultimately blames the boy for not letting Skywalker explain why he was watching him sleep back when he was still his apprentice. Rey FaceTimes Kylo to get the truth and confronts Luke who just tells her to go away. In a moment of rage she takes all of the scared texts and flies off to deal with Snoke herself. Luke, the greatest Jedi who ever lived, found it necessary to backtrack on everything the writers made his character stand for, and essentially give up on helping the New Republic. It's not as though he's had any experience at all before with helping someone with their dark side; he practically remained at his father Darth Vader's side till the end, never giving up on the good within him and refusing to destroy him outright. Therefore, it only makes sense that Luke would give up on his entire life's meaning and sit down while evil nephew Kylo Ren reigns supreme.

While all that was going on, Luke is getting high off some distilled green milk and sees Yoda, who berates him saying all sort of nasty things, like how he should kill himself because he's the old generation and it's the new generation's turn to rise up (like gamers, The Joker, or gangweed). Then a lightning strike sets the tree where the scared text and conspiracy ramblings used to be on fire, and Luke freaks out. Yoda dismisses him, saying "Page turners, they were not" and "Has everything she needs to know, Rey does," before Luke begins to rattle off why he's wrong because he spent a considerable amount of time reading the texts over and over on the island by himself. Through this mad recollection he remembers the crazy astral projection trick he'd learnt from the texts and quickly sobers up.

The Final Craitdown

Holdo in her final moments.

“Ok, Holdo. If I die or become incapacitated, the plan is not to tell anyone the actual plan.”

~ General Leia's finest off-screen line

As Rey leaves the island, Leia court-marshals Vice-Admiral Holdo (another new hated character) for her inability to lead and leaves her behind on the ship to die, as it is almost out of fuel and about to be consumed by the First Order's ship. The rest of the rebel fleet goes to their hideout on a salty planet with red dust called Crait, its surface being a reflection of the movie's fan reception, and all the good guys are in their weird speeders that stir up the red dust. Once there, however, they find that a group of crystal fox things called vulptices are fleeing from the First Order trying to poach them. Also, big-eyed puffins called Porgs are annoying everyone and going everywhere.

Meanwhile, Rey and Kylo Ren continue to have Force Skype calls. Rey sees how swole Kylo is and decides that she wants to help him turn good, so she tries to go to his flagship and meets Knock-Off Palpatine Supreme Emperor Snoke. Kylo ultimately kills him and Rey helps him fight off all of Snoke's guards who only decided to do something after Snoke dies instead of before. After that, some confrontation happens between Luke Rey and Vader Ben Swolo where he asks her to join him ruling the galaxy, but it gets cut short when Admiral Holdo leans on her ship's accelerator and plows through Snoke's ship, brutally decapitating his corpse and breaking the big ship in half, causing a fire to start. In the midst of all this chaos, it became suddenly clear that light-speed ramming is somehow here-to-fore unimaginably effective against entire fleets of ships. Why this brilliant strategy previously never occurred to any person ever in the history of the entire galaxy is a mystery, yet it remains one of Admiral Holdo's greatest achievements and contributions to the good scrappy Rebels Resistance, which at this point is now comprised of a few light escape craft with a few dozen malnourished tourists. How these poor refugees plan to save Han Solo's vacant spice tycoon empire, one will never know, but it's the best we've got. In the confusion, Rey gets away and Kylo, who's still bad, gives the order to end the #Resisters once and for all.

Back on Crait, the bad guys have a huge canon that they're gonna use to blow up the new Resistance Base, so Finn tries to fly into it but Rose stops him and kisses him saying something like "We came short of the whole universe being destroyed by the length of a mini-Porg. We're not gonna win by killing the bad guys but by saving our buddies," even though that's exactly what Finn was trying to do beforehand. Teh First Order tries to break down the door of the hideout, but fails when Luke shows up on Crait as an astral projection, and distracts them. Then Luke becomes the biggest troll of all-time, his presence in the final battle of the film fooling everyone just long enough that he actually is helping them out, while not getting off his butt. Luke plays around with Kylo before fading away into a Force Ghost (after carelessly falling into the ocean on the Ahh-Choo planet), which makes Kylo throw a fit like he always does. Even he realized that expending all of his last strength projecting his soul to another planet to win one battle (rather than the war) was strategically brilliant and the best way to leave the Resistance survivors stranded and without help.

The remaining Resistance members manage to run away and board the Millennium Falcon. At this point there are like 20 of them left and they are somehow happy. Rey shows Leia that the lightsaber broke and they have no plan, but Leia — despite the loss of her soldiers, the loss of her allies that didn't aid them at all, the loss of her husband, and the loss of her brother — says,

“Rey, all we need to do is steal a couple of big cruisers, get droids to pilot them and Hyperspace-ram every single First Order Ship and Base until none of them are left. Soon, we'll have everything we need.”

~ Neat summary of the next film

The movie then cuts back to the casino planet, where little kids are recounting the story of Luke Skywalker (presumably skipping over the part where he became a near-child-murdering hermit). One of the kids uses the Force to grab a mop, and gazes off into space. And they all lived sadly ever after...

THE END

Oh, and Captain Phasma died.

Cast and characters

• Daisy Ridley as Rey: A Jedi Knight who is the literal last Jedi. She goes to Luke to be taught the Force, but because he is fooled by the midi-chlorian doctrine, he believes she does not have the ability. However, she proves him wrong, and so Luke also goes on to teach the Force to others who do not have a high midi-chlorian count, such as Han Solo, the Porgs, C-3PO, and his TV remote.
• John Boyega as Finn: A Resistance soldier who falls in love with the annyoing Rose Tico, and helps her free some CGI animals on the casino planet.
• Oscar Isaac as Poe Dameron: The reckless Resistance pilot whose strategies err more on the side of failure this time around.
• Laura Dern as Vice-Admiral Holdo: A purple-haired officer in the #Resistance who is appointed as Leia's successor, but Poe doesn't want to follow her orders. Holdo comes up with a plan to fly into the First Order's ship, and everyone gets sad when she dies as a result.
• Mark Hamill as Jake Skywalker: The Jedi Master who Rey finds on an island with a torture dungeon underneath, unbeknownst to Luke. Luke has given up on the Force and the Jedi after he accidentally Force-pushed a carton of green milk into a nearby Sarlacc pit. However, Rey convinces him to go back to them after she proves to him the Force can be used to get a free coupon from Dex's Diner. The movie ends with another explosive battle in which Luke dies. Everyone is sad, again.
• Adam Driver as Kylo Ren: The Vader wannabe from the last movie is back, and this time he's worked out and gotten swole. There's also an obligatory love triangle between him and Rey.
• Carrie Fisher as General Leia Organa: The leader of the Resistance who is more Force-sensitive than we first thought. During an explosive battle at the start of the movie, she gets killed by the First Order, but then somehow Force-flies back into the ship like Mary Poppins and stops Poe Dameron's ongoing mutiny.
• Dave Chapman and Brian Herring as BB-8: The soccerball copy of R2 who continues be cooler and more endearing than his forefather.
• Antwan Danyells as C-3PO: The obnoxious gold protocol droid who's still as funny (or unfunny) as ever, yet mostly stands in the background doing nothing.
• A Midget as R2-D2: An astromech droid who, again, is pretty worthless by this point as he is far upstaged by his younger descendant BB-8.
• Peter Mayhew Joonas Suotamo as Chewbacca: The lovable dog-like friend of the late Han Solo (who was killed off the last movie). After Chewie comes to visit Luke on the island, Luke is informed that the medal Chewie got at the end of Episode IV has mysteriously disappeared. Angered, he tries to find out what happened to it, but then the original footage shows Chewie never got a medal; however, everyone who was there knows he did.
• Gwendoline Christie as Captain Phasma: The subtly feminine commander of the First Order's stormtroopers who aspires to be as cool as Boba Fett.
• Kelly Marie Tran as Rose Tico: A headstrong mechanic who becomes romantically involved with Finn, and tells him seemingly nonsensical aesops.
• Frank Oz as Yoda: A kooky Jedi Master Force Ghost who goes around destroying the Jedi churches, as Jediism is not a religion, and the "sacred Jedi texts" were really just a forgery written by Darth Icky and Darth Insanius to confuse people (these also introduced the midi-chlorian doctrine).
• Lupita Nyong'o as Maz Kanata: The wrinkly orange-faced space pirate/fortune teller who's now best buds with the Resistance.
• Andy Serkis as Supreme Leader Snoke: The real leader of the First Order who we still don't know anything about. He fucking dies.
• Domhnall Gleeson as General Hux: The First Order's dapper general, also called "General Hugs", who gets into an explosive discussion about his mother with a Rebel prank-caller.
• Benicio del Toro as DJ: An underworld codebreaker who, contrary to his name, is not a DJ.

Production

Darth Disney hard at work writing The Last Jedi.

It all began when Kathleen Kennedy (alias Darth Disney) acquired the rights to the Star Wars saga. With the power of the universe now in her grasp, Darth Disney proceeded to set the record straight: who needs the truth when you can Force-feed people the notion that in general, men are weak, incapable of leading themselves, cowards, or evil, and in no way can compete with Marey Sue's unbelievably vast powers? Somehow, while growing up on Jakku, isolated and alone, it seems one can become an instant expert on the Millennium Falcon's core systems, even more than Han, practically it's lifelong owner. Rumor has it that Rey farted into the wind and the backblow granted her Force powers beyond the reckoning of even the best-trained Force users of all time, including Luke Skywalker. Apparently, the notion that an even remotely-powerful Force user needs any training at all was considered ridiculous in the storyboard phase and thankfully thrown out, along with George Lucas's original script.

FAQ

Many fans were confused about the movie, and Disney's Blu-ray documentaries on the movie were so sanitized (especially compared to the tell-all prequel documentaries) as to be uninformative. Thus, Ryan Johnson answered fans' questions on Tweeter. There were a ton. But here are the ones that got the most retweets.

Why did you not follow up on any mysteries to The Force Awakens at all?

Simply because I was given nothing to work with...well, that not exactly true. J.J. Abrams actually wrote drafts for Episodes VIII and IX, Daisy Ridley already talked about it, Disney didn't like them either. However, he was extremely impressed with my script that he wanted to direct it himself. In the case of Episode IX, he got that chance when the Mouse gave me the finger, wanting to play it safe and uncreative.

There is a lot of humor in this film. Why?

We did this to match the style of Disney's other hit movies, the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

You can't do <BLAH> with the Force! As Han said in the last movie, "That's not how the Force works."

Yes you can; the Force is whatever your imagination wants it to be. In this episode of the series, there were a lot of new Force abilities showcased; some had already debuted, but no one is going to watch thousands of hours of content to find them. More likely, they'll read a Wookieepedia article.

Why is Luke in exile?

He became disillusioned knowing that even he couldn't prevent the Jedi Order from failing yet again.

Why did Luke toss the lightsaber away?

He thought it was a grenade. Also, it was to capture his disillusionment.

Is there a time skip in the movie or not?

I say there isn't one, as Rey is still waiting for Luke to take the lightsaber off her from the last one. But J.J. says that there is because the First Order had to have some time to recover from losing a multi-billion dollar planet base.

Who edited your script?

Carrie Fisher helped immensely, I went over to her house several times and we talked over the entire script. She was a wonderful writer, the sessions were a kind of stream of consciousness, similar to jazz poetry if you will. Sadly she became a Force Ghost as we were wrapping up post-production.

Rey's parents are nobodies? But...why is she good at the Force?

Ok. Ok. One second (produces computer), I did some brainstorming for Rey's origins and wrote down every single possibility in a document I like to call "The Big Ass Document" and some (laughs) were really ridiculous, so ranging from sane to insane:

• She was a clone.
• She was a time-traveller.
• She was a daughter of the Emperor held in cryo-sleep since Episode I.
• She was the reincarnation of Anakin Skywalker.
• She was originally part of Luke's New Jedi Order.
• She was a robot.

I eventually settled on nobody because that was the last thing the audience to expect to give them a similar feeling of disbelief to the "I am your father" moment in Empire.

Where's Lando Calrissian?

See Episode IX, it's explained there.

Where's the Knights of Ren?

They were meant to be the Praetorian Guards, but they die so I didn't put them there. Snoke was seriously underdeveloped enough as it was, chucking more fuel on that fire would've been bad.

What was your story based on?

Rian: "As you can see, I was a bit drunk already when I drew this up, apologies for the stupid doodles. I should get some walrus-milk though, I am running low..."

My script was mostly based on this ring composition theory I once read; I accidentally applied it to this new trilogy as a coping mechanism because I couldn't come up with anything original by inserting references and homages to the other films. If you've seen Episodes V, VI, and I then you've already seen this movie. This is kind of a problem as it shows that the only reference material that can be really used now is Episode II and Episode III. Hopefully J.J. can scrape up enough material for Episode IX, and I can scrape up enough for my upcoming spinoff trilogy (assuming Disney doesn't can it).

Did Captain Phasma die after falling into the Supremacy shaft?

A screenshot of the deleted scene from The Last Jedi, proving that Captain Phasma is still alive.

There was a deleted scene in the movie explaining this, but it was cut for time. The scene shows Boba Fett Captain Phasma escaping the Sarlacc pit burning shaft on Tatooine the Supremacy, as she is in the background spying on the Illuminati discussing things. In the scene, a secret dark side space station has Darth Icky and Darth Insanius watching a projection of Darth Jar Jar (the true Galactic Dictator) and Darth Mickey (Jar Jar's apprentice, loosely based on Kathleen Kennedy) while rebels are secretly peering in through the background, watching. This space station is right near Crait, and the scene would have been shown right as the rebels arrived at Crait. To subvert viewers' expectations, this was the only part of the movie that we shot in 4k resolution, and the only place where someone actually says the word "Ewok" in the whole saga, albeit censored.

How many Porgs were harmed during the making of this movie?

Six.

Reportedly, Daisy Ridley was seen one day walking out of the set, her face covered in green tears. What was up with that?

When asked about this incident, Mark admitted he screwed up a walrus-milk spittake.

Reception

“Some people like this film, and I agree. It just invalidates every other film before it.”

~ Some film critic on the milking scene, the Mary Poppins scene, Luke's character, etc.

The movie was found to be more enjoyable by audiences who were less invested and not up-to-date with Star Wars canon, but created a backlash among the fanbase. It polarized many hardcore fans so much that a mass-boycott caused the ticket sales of the Han Solo spinoff Solo to plummet, with further calls to boycott the final episode in the trilogy. Over in China the film lost in the box office to the rom-com sequel Ex-Files 3: Return of the Exes, then got steamrolled into the ground by Jumanji: Welcome to The Rock's Litty Jungle. Professor Morten Bay conducted a study on Tweeter and found that many negative reactions about the movie came from Russian trolls and bot accounts, failing to take into account that Russians probably can watch the movie and understand/write in English pretty well.

“Well, that happened. Oh man, the scenes of pain are nearly gone from my head, but the memory still remains...”

~ Average Joe's reaction to The Last Jedi

The Last Jedi was found by YouTube clickbait e-celeb commentators to be a political social-activist propaganda commentary documenting the adventures of Marey Sue and the Girl Power Agenda. "Between Leia Poppins, Marey Sue, the green titty-milk scene, the casino planet, and Jake Skywalker (Luke written totally differently from his usual self), Darth Disney's destruction of the Star Wars saga is complete," jeered MIKE ZEROH. "Rather than release a Star Wars film, the producers realized it would be much funnier instead to use the film as a vehicle for forcing their ideology on the fans, rather than actually writing a great story," stated Geeks + Gamers. "In the meantime, critics applauded the film's casual suggestions that males in general incapable of good leadership (Pilot Poe), are essentially cowards (Finn), and that all quality male actor leads should be phased out (Han Solo, Luke Skywalker)," opined MauLer. "The Last Jedi stars an all-women cast of washed up SNL cast members and is fun for the whole family. My favorite part is when Jake Skywalker dies from sucking off too much walrus-teat," quipped Vito.

Once again, millions of people flocked to see the film. Trouble brewed again, but unlike last time, it wasn't because the audio was skipping; rather, audiences were enraged by how the film insulted their intelligence and subverted their expectations, leading to riots. This time, the police were called to disperse the angry patrons. Because of the riots as well as strict screening requirements by the New World Order, many movie theaters refused to show the masterpiece. Jake Skywalker has ranted about the theater requirements, but as the Illuminati was in charge of funding, he had no say in the matter. All in all, the film was found to be hated by every real Star Wars fan. Therefore anyone who liked it is a hypocrite only claiming to like Star Wars. If you liked this movie, you are a stupid Trekkie or — even worse — Rian Johnson.

“This movie fails on every level a Star Wars movie might fail. The Jedi are not the good guys and really bad, but then Rey, the hero(in)(e), saves the day every time the First Order — the bad guys — come close to a victory, but I thought there were no bad guys and what am I doing with my time? I'm supposed to work yet I keep writing reviews nobody will read. There must be something wrong with my life. Perhaps it is the food in my diet. I've heard too many microplastics are supposed to be unhealthy. I should eat fried Porgs more often.”

~ Internet critic IL0VEMARVEL2012 on the many shortcomings of The Last Jedi

The $10,000 sequel

Main article: Star Wars Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker

Just before you go, here's something extra for you.

Some time before Episode VIII released, on HBO a charity program called Night of Too Many Stars aired. It featured in the past people raising money by bidding on objects (such as old props, memorabilia, and celebrities' personal items that have been touched/used) or opportunities (like meeting a talk show host on set, or going to have dinner with a celebrity; think Omaze). One such item auctioned off that night by J.J. Abrams was the covenanted Episode IX script. People weren't very interested and the bidding was lackluster, until Rob Corddry strolled onto the stage announced that you'd also get the plot to Hot Tub Time Machine 3, and at that point everyone lost it. A young man going by the name Carlos Danger won it for $10,000.

Stormtroopers proceeded to lock down the theatre and Carlos signed an non-disclosure agreement in his blood before heading up onto the stage. To ensure he didn't leak anything, the script J.J. had brought was set ablaze over its audible crackling he whispered the infernal secret. To stop lip-readers and directional microphones from figuring out what was said, the audience heard the plot of Sharknado 5 with undertones of Hot Tub Time Machine 3 slapped in. This security measure didn't stop leaks from appearing anyway, so here's what is known about the last film:

• It's got a lot of improvisation and a loser tone (confirmed by Oscar Isaac).
• It'll pick up a year after this one so they have stuff to put in the title crawl (confirmed by John Boygea).
• C-3PO loses R2-D2, who gets taken over completely by a crypto-mining program (semi-confirmed by Anthony Daniels).
• Matt Smith is playing the key role of the new villain (semi-confirmed by media reports).
• Kylo Ren travels to Darth Vader's fortress on Mustafar (confirmed by crew).
• Snoke is still alive because Kylo and Rey can still communicate over the Force, a power that Snoke painstakingly took time and effort to craft. He even chatted up Luke so he could consult the scared texts (confirmed by the tie-in picture book for children).

Apparently, Kathleen Kennedy and J.J. Abrams did not deem this $10,000 script to be a worthy trilogy-finisher, because damn near none of it came true in the final cut of Rise of Skywalker.