Baby boomers
“The hippies wanted peace and love. We wanted Ferraris, blondes, and switchblades.”
A Baby boomer is someone born after WWII and before The Beatles, who did or didn't experience the "Swinging Sixties", who did or didn't survive the Vietnam War, and who did or didn't get zonked. Hardly anyone else can comprehend it, and those who claim to also admit to not remembering most of it.
Boomers were battered kids born to war-mongering, Spam-eating, beer-drinking, Bob Hope-listening, Hitler-hating, A-bomb-blasting, Kennedy-assassinating, pinball-playing, Empire State Building-building square parents who lived or died during WWII, and are forever caught in an emotional triangle of Humphrey Bogart, puritanical values, and shell-shock caused by the prospect that getting laid once cost an entire lifetime.
The Baby boomers appeared just at the right time to grab the new contraceptive pill leaving their parents forever blaming their children for having missed out on all the fun. Unfortunately these days Baby boomers are now basically in-charge. And despite a 1960s of chilling out and telling their parents to be nice to people, the WWII generation still managed to carry forward the notion that war equals peace.
History of Baby boomers
You might have figured that during WWII there was a lot of shagging going on and that having everyone in Europe hunkered down together in a confined space while Americans watched ball games sounds like a recipe for lots of babies. The truth is that during the war the girls were not up for it at all. With explosions either knocking down their homes, rattling their radios or sensationalizing their newspapers they were not in a procreative mood. That coupled with the fact that most of the guys they actually wanted to shag were either already dead, or were overseas killing people themselves meant that most girls kept their legs thoroughly closed.
After four and a half years of no shagging the bankers finally realized that Hitler was not going to win and stopped lending him money. The war soon ended with a boom over Japan, and those men who were still alive came back home to catch up on all the snatch with a vengeance — thus causing a baby boom which would last until they let everyone have birth control pills. Unfortunately these offspring were not equal — some were worse than others. This shaped up as the divide between hip and unhip Baby boomers, with the Mods and the Rockers in Britain, while in America they were mostly rebels without a cause — until the barbarous US-fueled Vietnam War.
Types of Baby boomers
“Hell NO! We won't go!”
“Hell NO! We won't go!”
Unhip older boomers emulated their uncool, angry, shell-shocked parents and became street cleaners, doctors, pawn brokers, janitors, lawyers, politicians, tax collectors, priests, bureaucrats, lawyers, judges, spies, flamboyant sailors, pilots, taxi drivers, lawyers, real-estate dealers, reporters, postal workers, artists, investment bankers, lawyers, cops, narcs, soldiers, mass-murderers, dead dicks, or lawyers. Meanwhile, the hip older boomers just got stoned hoping that Timothy Leary was right about turning on, tuning in, and dropping out.
Younger boomers, aka "Generation Jones", wanted to keep up with the Joneses by emulating their older hippie siblings, but instead came of age in the 1970s malaise era. They had subcultures and musical genres of their own, such as punk rock for the hip Jonesers, and disco for the unhip Jonesers.
So there are two distinct categories of Baby boomers, hip and unhip. Below are a few examples:
- Unhip Boomers: Alec Baldwin, Gordon Brown, Ted Bundy, George W. Bush, Hillary Clinton, Bill Gates, Al Gore, John Kerry, Billy Joel, Donald Trump, Bill O'Reilly, Mitt Romney, Eddie Vedder
- Hip Boomers: David Bowie, Steve Jobs, Cheech Marin, Eddie Murphy, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Barack Obama, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Keanu Reeves, Robin Williams, Oprah Winfrey, Chris Cornell
^ If you get the vague impression that hip Baby boomers are mostly creative artists while unhip Baby boomers are mostly destructive politicians — you could be on to something.
What are Baby boomers good for?
Absolutely nothing? Well, if not for Baby boomers you wouldn’t even be getting laid… to this day. If it was not for Baby boomers you would think cool refers to the temperature, and there would probably not be any wholesome fun. Without Baby boomers you’d still be using words like, “swell” and “broad!” and saying things like, "ain't she a swell broad?" If it weren’t for Baby boomers you wouldn’t be sitting in front of your Mac, or your PC, and there would be no Internet. You’d still be using a typewriter and counting with your fingers. You would still be worshiping the likes of Frank Sinatra instead of Axl Rose. You might still be hitting the beaches of Incheon and Danang rather than Waikiki. And you'd probably be smoking Lucky Strikes instead of less carcinogenic substances like Maui Wowie and Angel Dust.
Baby boomers stopped the 'Nam War' (but invaded the Middle East). Boomers lobotomized "love" (but banned abortion). Boomers discovered Yoga (but became born-again Christians). Boomers switched meat for potatoes (but ate raw Sushi). Boomers turned from wine to roses (but sniffed coke). Boomers put the ROCK into ROLL (but forgot what they rolled). Boomers used Al Gore to create the Internet (but forgot how to mail a letter). Baby boomers broke the sound barrier on land (at a Who concert). Baby boomers employed wireless technology (but used it to kill remotely). And, most significantly, Baby boomers created Twitter (and mastered the art of banal mediocrity).
Baby boomers developed unmanned warfare
Baby boomers were so repulsed by the Vietnam War draft that they developed remote controlled flying robot battle machines or Predator Drones, which will revolutionize robot-vs.-robot unmanned warfare. Because of Baby boomers, wars in the future could really be a hoot, so much fun that the Army will be turning strong men away and recruiting only geeky, wiz-kids to man-the-bots. Wow! "Bot-Wars" — it sounds so cool.
The war heroes of tomorrow will be pizza-munching twerps who can bull's eye a Womp Rat back on their home console. Only winners can spawn — enemy bots cannot re-spawn. Take out 25 in a kill-streak and get control of a MOAB. Rack 600 points and get hold of a Cruise Missile. Win the war and you get a nuke. And all from the relative safety of Disneyland. Man! Whoever said the "pen is mightier than the sword" for sure never played Bot-Wars!
Conclusion
So when you use your skateboard, your digital watch, your pocket calculator, your smart-phone, your electric garbage can opener, your hip threads, your two-stroke dildo, your hemp shoes, your nylon socks, your plasma TV, your Blu-ray player, your iPhone, your Birkenstocks, your roach clip, and your Internet, you can thank Baby boomers for making it all possible. Forget the golden age of aviation or the industrial age or all past discoveries, and don't notice that since the Baby boomers have been in charge China now owns the United States and there are millions of illegals wrecking a debt riddled economy. And never mind that social security is going under along with welfare because the whole thing is run by war pigs like Paul Wolfowitz. None of these things are very important. But what does matter is whether the military industrial complex can reverse engineer and weaponize extraterrestrial technology before the Baby boomers off-spring decide to round-up all the globalists and ban human hostility.
Now go make a fresh carrot-cucumber juice and be grateful for the original and ground-breaking Baby boomers.
Also see
 Featured Article (read another featured article)
|
Featured version: 20 June 2012 |
| This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH. | |