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Falwellapedia has over 10,000 educational, clean, and concise entries, including exactly 66 canonical texts. There have been over 11,600,000 page views and over 172,000 page edits, including 171,699 reversions of heretical edits.
Jerry's Daily Sermon:
"Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them."
Crossfire (17 May 1997)
Daily Historical Falwell Quote:
"Han, Han. If only you hadn't had to dump that shipment of spice. I just can't make exceptions. Where would I be if every pilot who smuggled for me dumped their shipment at the first sign of an Imperial starship? It's not good business."
On Han Solo's loss of Jerry the Hutt's illegal cargo (Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, Special Conservative Edition, 1997)
Please read our rules here, and how we differ from the too-liberal Conservapedia here.
Today's featured article – The Witcher
The Witcher is a short story series/fantasy book saga/role-playing game/Netflix television show. It is set a time period of Medieval knights, monsters, fantastical beings and a lot of magic. If you can imagine a mix of Conan the Barbarian, Game of Thrones and the legends of King Arthur then you will be getting close to what this series is about. Think also of Monty Python and the Holy Grail and a dash of Harry Potter then you would have the formula.
The author of The Witcher is Andrzej Sapkowski (born 1948). He is a Polish-born writer who started his Witcher short stories in the 1980s. This was followed by books in the 1990s, which took almost as long to finish as George R. R. Martin's A Game of Thrones, not ending until 2013. It took even longer for them to be translated into English. Some wish the copyright holders hadn't bothered.
A witcher is essentially a male witch or warlock with the yellow eyes of a cat. He has some magic tricks but normally prefers to express himself with his sword(s). Witchers don't like to talk too much and physically look like Arnold Schwarzenegger's son. Except a witcher is also a 'mutant' and sterile as a jackass. (more...)
Previously featured article – Chess pieces
Chess is often thought of as a game for pretentious tossers, and for teenage nerds in need of a competitive pastime that doesn’t necessarily end with them being wedgied. But this image is outdated. These days the game is also played by boxers desperate to show that repeated brain trauma has not affected their intelligence. (more...)
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Breaking News
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 "You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, resurrected hands." |
On this day...
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July 14: National Surrender Day (France)
- 1789 - French citizens storm the Bastille prison and free seven prisoners who were wrongly incarcerated after being accused of that most heinous of crimes in France: being English.
- 1798 - The Sedition Act becomes United States law, making it a federal crime to write, publish, or utter false or malicious statements about the U.S. government. The Uncyclopedia farm is raided, and several prized bovines are tipped over.
- 1914 - Confusion over guacamole and the Whack-a-mole game leads to a victory by the army of Venustiano Carranza over Pancho Villa's forces in northern Mexico.
- 1940 - Vichy France is established after capitulation to Germany, making the film Casablanca possible.
- 1969 - The United States removes all large bills from circulation, much to the dismay of the legendary Salmon P. Chase (the face of the $10,000 bill) and his adoring fans.
- 1974 - It's Christmas, Folks, and Just Look at the Mess We've Made by John Lennon reached number one on the charts.
- 2000 - A powerful solar flare, later named the Bastille Day Event, causes a geomagnetic storm on Earth. The French immediately surrender to the sun and agree to a two-year occupation of Paris, much to the chagrin of French sunblock and parasol manufacturers.
- 2007 - A breakthrough study shows that those who read often are actually better at reading than those who seldom read.
- 2008 - A second breakthrough study shows that those who seldom read are better at not reading than those who read often.
- 2009 - A third breakthrough study shows that those who read often are worse at reading when those who seldom read deprive the former of their pretentious glasses.
- 2010 - A fourth breakthrough study shows that those who read often do not know how to read, while those who seldom read are contributors to Uncyclopedia.
- 2011 - A fifth breakthrough study shows that breakthrough studies get annoying fairly quickly.
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Writer and Noob of the Month
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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!
HEIL FROSTY!
Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
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