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Jerry's Daily Sermon:
"Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them."
Crossfire (17 May 1997)
Daily Historical Falwell Quote:
"Han, Han. If only you hadn't had to dump that shipment of spice. I just can't make exceptions. Where would I be if every pilot who smuggled for me dumped their shipment at the first sign of an Imperial starship? It's not good business."
On Han Solo's loss of Jerry the Hutt's illegal cargo (Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, Special Conservative Edition, 1997)
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Today's featured article – Alexander IV
Alexander the Great was an act that was hard to follow. His empire stretched from Greece to India and as far south as Egypt. For his only male heir — Alexander IV of Macedonia — it would prove impossible to follow. Hence his sobriquet Alexander the Not So Great.
Alexander IV was a weak echo of his father, like Caesarion the son of Julius Caesar, Napoleon II heir of Napoleon I, and various Kennedys, Bushes, and Clintons of United States politics.
Alexander IV arrived in this world a few months after the death of his father in 323 BC. His mother was the fiery Roxane from Bactria on the Persian frontier, a wild land of two-humped camels and savage inter-tribal wars. Roxane was a warrior princess who was disgusted that her father had her married off to some swarthy, Greek-speaking foreigner. So much did she loathe her spouse that she tried to murder him on their wedding night — at least according to Oliver Stone's film about the Macedonian bleached-blond beach bum. After that bumpy start, the couple managed to avoid killing each other, at least until they produced a male heir. (more...)
Previously featured article – Arthur Currie
General Sir Arthur William Currie, GCMB, KCB, KGB, was a Canadian Senior officer during World War I. A prolific commander of the Canadian Expeditionary Force, Currie is among the finest Western front commanders in the war and one of the greatest Canadian officers. However, he is more internationally renowned for his world-class embezzlement; also for his hyper-sensitivity regarding his public image. (more...)
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 "You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, resurrected hands." |
On this day...
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October 18: International Funk Day (Portugal), Radiation Day
- 23 CE - God loses control of the universe yet again, causing countless miracles. Luckily, Jesus thinks fast and finds an explanation for all those fish everywhere.
- 1000 - Due to linguistical differences in many parts of the world, many people unfortunately mix up International Funk Day with International Spunk Day. Kleenex has a field day.
- 1898 - Pierre and Marie Curie are first to use the term "radioactivity" but their research fails to discover funk.
- 1903 - Telefunken is founded in Germany, building vacuum tubes and other electrical components. While Germany is "one nation under a groove" at this time, it will never observe International Funk Day.
- 1945 - US drops da bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Both cities are fucked, not funked.
- 1955 - All Hell breaks loose in Wittinghermandershire Upon Broohavensmarshington, England when a portal to the dark underworld is discovered by a chimney sweep mistaking an inconspicuous closet door for that of the men's lavatory in a small, inconspicuous pub. The scene of dark beings invading the earth is compounded by the fact that the chimney sweep failed to realize that the "urinal" into which he chose to relieve himself was, in fact, a dark being. And, although dark beings are, in fact, dark beings, they do have feelings too and do not, contrary to popular belief, appreciate being urinated upon by chimney sweeps.
- 1960 - Funk music, jazz's retarded brother, is born.
- 1975 - The Mothership lands. George Clinton is received much better than Michael Renne was in The Day the Earth Stood Still.
- 1978 - US President George Clinton puts Portugal under a groove. The Portuguese population is introduced to blow.
- 2002 - Jacques Chirac is elected in France; funky disco dancing ensues.
- 2002 - Parisians realize how gay disco dancing is. Rioting ensues with chants of "Give us the funk! We want the funk!" echoing through the streets.
- 2557- 25 different types of cheese are discovered on the bottom of the ocean. Scientists are baffled and manage to retrieve 16 of the different types. A German hypnotist later publishes the findings in a kids weekly coloring book; it becomes an instant best seller.
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