UnNews:GOP to host 'Wholesome Christian Conservative Republican Values' gala

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30 October 2007

The White House: beacon of democracy, center of the known universe and home of the most powerful man in the world. Luckily for Dubya, Cheney doesn't mind sharing.

WASHINGTON, DC -- The Republican Party, faced with increasing resistance from Americans who love liberty more than they fear foreigners, announced today that they will hold a celebrity-filled dinner gala at the White House tomorrow night.

"As a nation at war we need to show the world that we will not be defeated by the liberal media and their supporters, liberal medians." read a statement issued from the Department of Wine and Circuses.

"As such we are pleased to announce a dinner, with good conservative food like steak, potatoes, Budweiser and hot dogs." the press release continued. "Dinner will be followed by short speeches from many of the shining stars of the Christian Right..."

The press release goes on to list the speakers[1] and their topics, including:

  • Former Florida Republican Congressman Joe Scarborough, Florida Congressman Bill Thomas, North Carolina Congresswoman Sue Myrick, Ohio Senator Jeff Miller, former Louisiana Congressman Bob Livingston, Indiana Congresswoman Helen Chenoweth, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, former Arkansas Senator Tim Hutchinson, Florida Congressman Charles Canady, and Oregon Congressman Jim Bunn. The Sanctity of Marriage (and the Sin of Adultery). The invitations for their many ex-wives and ex-husbands (and some of their former and current mistresses) were, unfortunately, lost in the mail.
Newt Gingrich (left) telling Trent Lott (right) about the time that he divorced his second wife, who was being treated for uterine cancer, so that he could marry the next wife, who wasn't.
  • Ohio County Commissioner David Swartz, released from prison for this event, and Ohio Congressman Donald Lukens. The Evils of Pedophilia. Their presentations will be aided by sexy, sexy boys.
  • Former South Dakota Governor Bill Janklow and former Drug Czar William Bennett. Addiction. Sweet, sweet addiction. William Bennett is also expected to give the crowd tips on how to beat the house at blackjack.
  • Former Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage. The CIA and Secrecy: Keeping Our Agents Safe. Richard's speech will revolve around the necessity of not exposing CIA operatives, unless their husbands are in the way of freedom, democracy, mom and apple pie.
  • Former Virginia Republican Congressman Ed Schrock. Child Pornography. He is expected to give tips on how best to light their pale, freckled skin without having the pictures turn out overexposed.
  • Former Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott. Strom Thurmond: Man, Legend, Hunter of Darkies. Will reprise his great Strom Thurmond "...we wouldn’t have had all these problems over the years, either." speech.
Lewis "Scooter" Libby will serve drinks at the gala as part of his four hundred hours of community service.
  • Idaho Senator Larry Craig, Former Florida Congressman Mark Foley and Maryland Congressman Robert Bauman. Homosexuality, Homos, Homo-Gay Mansex, Sexy Gays & Sexy Homos. Cryptic title aside, their speeches will likely center on gays.
  • Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. ???. He is not sure about what he will speak, but he's pretty sure that he has no recollection of what it is. Also, he can't remember what the subject of his speech will be. Frankly, he doubts that he will even remember where to go to deliver the speech, the subject of which he can't recall.

Lastly,

  • Oklahoma representative J.C. (no relation) Watts and South Carolina Senator Strom Thurmond. No Speech. Instead of speeches they will personally hunt down and "...take care of..." people who have children out of wedlock. Strom, deceased, is expected to rise from the grave and bring one from home.

The press release closed with "9/11. Ignorance is strength. We are well on our way to winning the war in Iraq, a mere fifty four months after winning the war in Iraq. September the 11th. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain."

In other news, a top secret prototype designed by Rockwell Scientific Company, LLC spontaneously burst into flames shortly after the announcement, destroying part of Rockwell's Thousand Oaks facility. Scientists at the lab are uncertain if the press release lead to the catastrophic failure of the device, used to measure hypocrisy, but stated that "...it was pretty cool. We roasted marshmallows."

Sources[edit]

Footnotes[edit]

  1. ↑ Due to the delay between the filing of this UnNews story and its publication, several of the listed Senators and Congressmen will probably be former members, while more of the former members will, no doubt, be in jail. Their jail time will be spent finding Jesus or, if they found Him before, they will be born-again, again.
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