Unquotable:John F. Kennedy

“JFK? Lee Harvey Oswald did it! Keep it under your hat! ”

~ Julian Assange

“I like the bit when Jackie was trying to scrape his brains off the trunk of the car, as if the surgeons could push some back in.”

~ Captain Odious

“I never really liked JFK, but my ma' told me to give him a shot.”

~ Lee Harvey Oswald

“Shot through the heart, and you're too blame, you give love a bad name!”

~ Bon Jovi, whenever someone asks how Kennedy died

“ I heard a few things about him 15 years ago. Unlike myself, he will be tough on the Soviets.Is he really the son of Jack?...????”

~ Eienhower on his successor

"In America, you ask what your country can do for you. In Soviet Russia, your country dictates what YOU! must do for it."

John "Jack" Fucking Kennedy (May 29, 1917, with a silver spoon in his mouth - November 22, 1963, with a silver bullet in his brain) was the 35th President of the United States as well as a true American hero and a self-proclaimed "jelly donut". His idealism and pimpin continue to live on in the hearts of all American citizens.

Presidency

Kennedy was the Democratic Party's presidential candidate in 1960. While he lost the election to Richard Nixon he used special connections and won the White House anyway which made him the first unelected President of the United States. The election was the last in which a popular second term presidents vice president with a history of negative image ran against a candidate who won due to his fathers connections

Kennedy's term was in many ways very significant. Cartoons sucked even more than usual and musical taste hit a all-time low. To adress the nation's economic troubles Kennedy proposed the New Frontier inititive which enacted social programs designed to help the poor. Also a plan to land a man on the moon was enacted.

During Kennedy's tenture World War III almost happened twice. The first time was in Berlin in 1961 and the 1962 Cuban crisis. With nuclear fear everywere, Kennedy launched the Civil Defense Office to prepare for surviving nuclear war which upset several Americans.

Kennedy was known for being his rich charm, governing abilities, and his faith and encouraging of American space technology.

Addressing a large group of Germans, Kennedy wanted to defend the West Germans, universally known for their confectionery delights, such as chocolate, cinnamon rolls, beer, and sausage. Kennedy spent months in Amsterdam prior to the event, writing the speech. Kennedy was totally tripping balls two hours before the event and realized he hadn't written any of the speech at all. Kennedy proceeded to sketch a few words on a napkin. Kennedy made up 90% of the words, partly because he was nervous and partly because of his complete and utter lack of knowledge of German. 9% of the words were affiliated to Hitler in some form. However, Kennedy managed to get four words correct: "Ich bin ein Berliner", roughly translated to "I am a jam doughnut". This phrase received a large positive response from the crowd, for, by chance, all of them worked at Dunkin' Donuts. This epic groundbreaking speech inspires many a pastry/confectionery baker to this day, despite the rest being uninterpretable gibberish. Still he was no Hitler, but who is? At least his dad hated the you-know-whos. Despite what many people believe, Kennedy was actually referring to himself as a German pastry, much aside from his vice-president which he constantly referred to as his Johnson. Which contributed into Johnson's choice to kill Kennedy.

On Courage, Peace, and Democracy

• "Say that again? Chow-dare? Chow-dare? It's chow-dah! Get it right, Frenchie!" - President Kennedy on Top Chef.

• "To those nations who would make themselves our adversary...we offer not a pledge, but a request: Go fuck yourselves." - President Kennedy on The Ruskies.

• "Achieving the goal of being a gay activist, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to the Earth, now that would be a useless, profligate waste of resources, but it would make !@#$%^&* good television." - President Kennedy to Vice-President Johnson, 1961.

• "Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to 39 cent Tuesdays." - President Kennedy on cheeseburgers.

• "Hey, if something were to happen to me -- you guys have that Vietnam thing pretty well covered, right? ... Right?" - President Kennedy on assumptions.

On Liberalism

• If by a "Liberal" they mean someone who looks ahead and not into his behind, someone who welcomes new ideas provided they are OK'd by Pelosi and first, someone who pretends to care about the welfare of the people — their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, and their civil liberties — someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicions that grip us in our policies abroad by hiding our heads in the sand, if that is what they mean by a "Liberal," then I'm proud to say I'm a "Liberal."

• If we cannot end now our differences, at least we can make the world safe for abortion, affirmative action, and gay marriage, and totally take every one's guns away except the criminals who dont care about laws anyway.

• If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the New York Jewish stockbrokers, Bostonian aristocrats and California hippies.
• For supper I er a want a party platter.

On Canada and Latin America

• Geography has made us neighbors. History has made us friends. Economics has made us partners. And necessity has made us allies. Those whom nature hath so joined together, let no man put asunder by trivial demands to rename ham bacon.

• Wait. You mean those guys down at Home Depot? And who the !@#$%^&* is Canada?!

• Those who make being a CIA puppet state impossible will make a violent, CIA-backed revolution inevitable.

• GET YO FUCKIN NUKES OUTTA MY HEMISPHERE!

• Dammit I will nuke yo mothafuckin ass Castro, get those nukes outta here.

• I have never been to Canada, but when I think of Canada, I think of a place filled with beautiful ladies more stacked than dear Marilyn.

• No Habla Espanol... Bitches

• Regarding the missiles on Cuba, Eisenhower would consult the Soviets just like he did 6 years earlier. WTF is that to do with me?

The Assassination

John F. Kennedy was a very good president, having being a big factor shaping the country into what it is today. But sadly, he was not to last in office... for the past members of his family had caused a lot of problems to those in their lives. These very problems ultimately being some of the many factors that caused his death.

The first assassination attempt was done by Ted Cruz's father who tried to give Marilyn Monroe a venereal disease. This however failed, but Mr. Cruz did help in the actual killing of Kennedy. Contrary to popular belief, Harvey Lee Oswald was not the assassin who had been tasked with offing the president. The actual person who attempted and succeeded in killing the president was Richard Nixon. Yes, you read that right, Richard Goddamn Nixon. To understand all the motives of Nixon, you have to go all the way back to the 1863.

In a small Amish village on the outskirts of the U.S, resided a very young but determined satanic worshiper. He went by the name of Lazaro. He had no friends, and his only family was his father, Satan. But seeing as Satan spent most of his time, if not all of it, on torturing souls beyond redemption, He was alone. But then, on November 1st, 1863, Lazaro met a time traveler who had gone back in time to kill Osama Bin Laden's Ancestors. This was Richard Nixon. He wanted to prevent Cheese from being created by Bin Laden, for it had caused the downfall of the U.S in 1984. But before he could, Nixon met Lazaro, and instantly, they felt a connection. A connection so intimate, mega gay rainbows sprouted from every nook and cranny. This began the start of a beautiful relationship between a time traveler and a satanic worshiper.

To avoid detection, Nixon enrolled himself in the very same elementary school that Patrick J. Kennedy was attending. Patrick was the father to Joseph P. Kennedy and the grandfather of John F. Kennedy. Instantly, Nixon fell in love with Patrick. But Nixon knew that if Lazaro ever found out, Satan would surely take his soul. So he kept it hidden. But when Nixon could no longer hide his feelings, for he was getting erections by looking at Patrick on a hourly basis, he told Patrick his feelings. Patrick was taken aback. He could not believe what he was hearing, so he decided that he was going to run for class president to get Nixon expelled. Nixon ran against him, for he no longer had the desire to anally thrash Patrick.

Then election day came... November 22nd, 1863. It was a tough race, but eventually Patrick did win, causing Nixon to be expelled. Nixon swore revenge. When Lazaro heard about this, he was furious. He decided to take Nixon back to his original time period. Nixon did not refuse because he had no intention on staying any longer for the mother of Bin Laden had gone to the lost city of Atlantis, making it virtually impossible to find her again. So he could not stop the ancestors of Bin Laden. This was a minor defeat though, because Nixon's heart was breaking.

After arriving back to the original time, Nixon found out that Patrick had a grandson who was thinking about running for president. This caused a very devious plan to be created in Nixon's mind.

So Nixon ran for Vice President. This would give him the chance to assassinate JFK, which was basically a revenge on Patrick for breaking his heart. Lazaro helped for he also hated Patrick and all his offspring. And then the assassination was successful on November 22, 1963. exactly 1 century from the day that Patrick broke his homosexual heart... So that is what caused the death of John F. Kennedy...

Bibliography

• Profiles in Courage
• Profiles in Courage II: The Legend of Curly's Gold
• Profiles in Nookie
• Profiles in Chowdah
• Profiles in Show-der
• Profiles In Pimping

Creation of a National Vigilante Squad.

Kennedy found four English men named John, Paul, Ringo, and George and hired them to work for him as the first ever members of the U.S. Vigilante Squad. During the night, the four paraded around as a band known as "The Beatles." However, they soon blew their cover with hit songs like "Yellow Sub Machine Gun." Kennedy hired some mercenaries to hunt the four down, successfully killing John in 1980-something, and George in 2001. Ringo and Paul escaped to the Middle East, with Ringo taking up the identity of Saddam Hussein, and Paul is believed to be identified as Osama bin Laden. The two assume their original identities once a year and record new solo albums and occasionally go on tour. The two need money to finance their exotic lifestyles in the Middle East.

Fun Facts

• This man once died, but did you know he could read all our minds?
• He made love with half of mankind.
• He was a robot sent from the future.
• He was on the brink of curing AIDS/HIV in the car when he died.
• His ghost enjoys masturbating during his spare time.
• His ghost haunts various high school photocopiers in Ohio.
• He killed 1,826 zombies in under 2 hours.
• His love affair with Count Chocula allowed him to further his research on AIDS.
• He was writing an Uncyclopedia article in the car when he died.