11th century

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William the Conker proved his right to rule by taking on all comers and beating every one.

The 11th century includes the years 1001 to 1100 and sometimes y.

Overview

Lady Godiva's tax protest in Coventry in protest against a tax on wimples imposed by her husband Leofric Earl of Mercia.

Many interesting things happen in this century. If only the story could be told properly. However, the timeline has been/had/will be irrevocably scrambled by an individual only identified as "McFly" and his colleague, a Dr. Brown, who turns out NOT to be the guy with the creme sodas. Nevertheless, the Department of Temporal Reversion has/had/will have a team of identical quintuplets, each with a time machine of his/her/its own, each able to change timelines by selectively killing butterflies in the past/present/future. This enables/enabled/will enable the reconstruction of the timeline by rearranging things whatever way we like. One might expect us to make a comment like "BWAHAHAHA!!!" at this point, but it simply isn't done in our time stream.

However, the general way of life in this century remains well known. For a realistic experience, give yourself a good poke in the eye a couple of times, then take a fork and stab it into your leg. Yes, constant warfare is still all the rage in this time. No surprise there, surely.

Nonetheless, the century is an era of great inventiveness in art and technical achievements in the Arab and Chinese worlds. Meanwhile, aside from weapons of war, Europe does its best by inventing the straight wooden stick. Still, many of the creations of the time pale beside the modern genius of the 21st century, like changing a ♥ button to a "like" button or creating weapons that are too expensive to test. Nonetheless, 11th century inventions enable despotic rulers to put many people out of work and make them starve, ensuring their armies would have plenty of targets on which to practice.

Hermintrude of Bavaria becomes the first to substitute apple juice for a urine sample.

Chronology

1001 to 1010

“What’s for dinner?”

~ Any sarcastic Viking traveling from North America back to Scandinavia (1002 CE)

• 1001 – Holy Roman Emperor Otto III has Charlemagne's tomb opened. Dead since 814, Charlemagne is in need of a good manicure and beard trim.
• 1001 – King Stephen of Hungary celebrates becoming a Christian by handing out free goulash to the peasantry.
• 1002 – Vikings establish settlements in North America, mostly involved with fishing for and drying cod. Modern historians are astounded that perhaps Vikings actually LIKE lutefisk.
• 1002 – The different solar positions of different countries force the length of a year to be shortened from thirteen to twelve months. Dr.Demento is the first person too notice this and he helps ease connections between the many different planets.
• 1002 – The fartbox becomes uncool. Damn it.
• 1003 – In a wave of nostalgia, Ireland goes on a rubber snake craze, chasing each other and pranking each other and English aristocratic overlords. The latter retaliate by introducing traditional English cooking.
• 1004 – The last native speaker of cuneiform dies at age 37.
• 1005 – Technologies continue to fail to complement each other. For example, China creates an impressive variety of firecrackers while Western Europe creates the first ambulance services.
• 1005 – The first episode of Ye Bolde and ye Beautifulle is performed by the Westminster Soap Troupe. The audience is bored to death and have the performers executed. It would take over 900 years before anyone dares to perform it again.
• 1007 – Mt. Vesuvius had a huge orgasm again. Modern scientists are currently debating on whether Mt. Vesuvius had one huge orgasms or multiple orgasms in over 9,000 places again and again and again.
• 1008 – Olof, mighty king of Sweden, is baptized but then later realizes that he is not religious.
• 1008 – Ibn Yunus of Egypt publishes the astronomical treatise Goodnight Moon.

King Edmund 'Ironside' before he got the upper thrust.

• 1009 – The first Elvis impersonator appears, confusing townsfolk in Bohemia. They would declare him to be a witch and burn him at the stake, despite not being dressed as the Las Vegas-style 'Old Elvis'.
• c.1010 – Zie fifrth ritenne werrffiunne uft Beowulf iffh recoardedth.
• 1010 – Binary is declared the official language of feudal Japan.

1011 to 1020

“Those English kings surely do not last very... ”

~ Antipope Gregory VI on the occasion of his disappearance from history after 15 minutes of fame.

• 1011 – The kitchen at Lindisfarne Abbey in England is in an uproar as fish friars battle chip monks.
• 1012 - Antipope Gregory VI has his half a candle of lighted fame.
• 1013 – The first flying machine is invented. It proves impractical since hurricanes used to propel them prove to be unpredictable as are frequent flier mile awards.
• 1014 – Irish High King Brian Boru is killed at the Battle of Clontarf by a misguided wheel of cheese fired by his own troops from Munster.
• 1016 – King Æthelred II (the Unready) dies after a horrible accident with the first two letters of his first name.
• 1016 – King Edmund 'Ironside' of England is stabbed through the wheelchair by a disgruntled courtier.
• 1018 – Canute (or Cnut), now king of England, commands the sea to recede as he sits on a throne by the tideline. Miraculously, it does, and everyone including King Canute is amazed. However, this was the forerunner event of a tsunami which strikes and carried the king, his court and much of his army far out to sea. As he ends up in the neighborhood, Canute lands in Denmark and takes possession of it.
• 1019 – At Cannae, the Byzantine Empire and the Lombards perform a reenactment of the earlier battle between Carthage and Rome. An argument ensues and the Lombards take their toys and go home, leaving the after-battle picnic without beer and potato salad.

Bulgarians learn that making jokes at Basil's expense is definitely WORSE than a poke in the eye.

1021 to 1030

“Khitan huffing? What is that?”

~ Chinese Emperor Zhenzong on asking why so many prisoners were being taken in its wars with the Khitan Empire.

• 1021 – The Fatimid Caliph Al-Hakim disappears during a magic performance where his sister places him in a basket and stabs it with 40 swords. The curtain falls and neither is seen again. A second scheduled Saturday matinee show is cancelled, with ticketholders still waiting to this day for a return performance or refund.
• 1022 – The Persians breed giant hamsters to run in waterwheels for irrigation. While crop yields increase dramatically, the surplus created is just eaten by the hamsters.
• 1024 – The first paper money is issued in China, with the first forgers putting images of their behinds on the highest value notes. Needless to say, their butts are quickly recognized and they are executed.
• 1025 – Death of Byzantine Emperor Basil II, known as 'Basil the Bulgar Slayer'. 'Bazza' dies without issue as he preferred men, horses and killing Bulgarians than making out with a woman.
• c.1025 – The Canon of Medicine is written by Avicenna, the first practical medical text. It includes the first mentions of 'take two aspirin and call me in the morning', 'turn your head and cough', 'put the lime in the coconut' and 'this won't hurt'.

The Almoravids were able to spread throughout much of Spain and West Africa financed by aggressive sales of book club memberships and magazine subscriptions.

• 1026 – The famed Cannon of Medicine is used at the siege of Barcelona, relieving the suffering of thousands permanently.
• 1027 – Coronation of Conrad II as Holy Roman Emperor in St. Peter's in Rome. Conrad performs a right royal conga afterwards with his special guests King Canute of England and Denmark, and King Rudolph of Burgundy to get the party rolling.
• 1028 – Zoe becomes Empress of Byzantium in succession to her father Constantine VIII ('Party Hat'). Already 50 years old, Zoe prays she will have a baby by her pensioner age husband Emperor Romanos III. God is out mowing the lawn.
• 1030 – Canute's army kill Norway's King Olaf II in battle. His nickname 'Olaf the Fatty' meant he was too slow to run away from Canute's soldiers. The Norwegians make Olaf their official saint and blame the 'Danish dogs' for his death.

1031 to 1040

Pope Benedict IX

“There once was a hermit named Dave... ”

~ Emperor Renzong on the use of Chinese torture devices. (1037 CE)

• 1031 – Hisham III, last of the Umayyad Caliphs in Al-Andulas (Spain), is overthrown in Cordoba. He is rolled up in a carpet and sent into internal exile.
• 1032 – Ants finally migrate out of Antarctica permanently.
• 1032 – Dying Pope John XIX bribes the right people to enthrone his nephew Theophylactus as Pope Benedict IX. The 'new boy' is literally that. He becomes the Holy Father at the wise old age of 12. Later writers claiming Pope Benedict was a mature... 20.
• 1033 – European carpenters learn to make absolutely straight sticks. Dogs are pleased, grabbing each one as it is made and running off to chew them to shreds.
• 1034 – Byzantine Emperor Romanos III found dead in his bath with a rubber duck shoved down his throat. Zoe grieves for a day and choses a new husband and co-emperor. His name is Michael, handsome and aged 23. Zoe purrs like a 'cougar'.
• 1035 – Hats with large feathers become the rage throughout the world as it is found to be easier than balancing an angry ostrich on one's head.
• 1036 – Egyptians invent the ice cream scoop for reasons that are lost to history.
• 1037 – Ding Du creates a rhyming dictionary resulting in a horde of bad poets that would plague China for years. He will be sentenced to death by limericks read by stutterers.
• 1039 – Europe loses the technology for making straight sticks. They decide to blame the Muslims, asking the Pope to call for a Crusade.

King Canute trying to get the attention of a waiter.

• 1040 – Duncan I of Scotland is killed in attack on Moray by forces led by MacBeth. Moray eels form a stout defense, better than packets of jellied eels previously used to defend the town.
• 1040 – King Hardicanute (son of Canute), King of Denmark becomes King of England. He starts his reign by disinterring the previous king (Harold 'Harefoot') and throwing his body into the London swamp. The ex-king remains bouyant long enough to get re-buried by a passing hermit.

1041 to 1050

“A witch!!! Kill her!!! She’s a witch!!! A witch!!!”

~ a popular saying.

• 1041 – Dog propellers are invented. The people rejoice then burn the inventor for being a witch.
• 1042 – King Hardicanute of England and Denmark tries some of his home made hooch and promptly drops dead. His half brother Edward 'fesses' up for slipping him a mickey finn. The latter will be ever after known as as 'King Edward the Confessor'.

The first mechanical emperor is built, powered by birds. Unfortunately, wooden leaders would not become popular in China until the 21st century.

• 1044 – The compass is first described in Chinese writings. While this is a boon for travelers, men would still resist using it or asking for directions for at least a thousand years more.
• 1044 - Pope Benedict IX chased out of Rome for 'setting a bad example as Pope'. Amongst his sins were 'fornication, simony, sodomy and whistling' whilst performing Mass.
• 1046 – An eclipse occurs, darkening much of Europe. Thinking that the apocalypse has come, Christians give away all their belongings to Jews. However, when the end doesn't happen, Christians attempt to get back their belongings. The Jews explain that the piles of dirt, broken tools and diseased animals that they were given were disposed of. Angry Christians then attempt to sue, but find all the lawyers are Jews.
• 1047 – Pointy-toed shoes become immensely popular with children, who when told to stand in the corner in school do not have to walk very far from their desks.
• 1048 – A time traveler arrives in Romania with a cellphone and Roomba in hand as gifts. The vacuum cleaner is jammed by the rushes and hay strewn on floors, overheats and burns down a hut. The phone, a refurbished Galaxy 9, explodes in flames and burns down the village. The time traveler is burnt as a witch, twice.
• 1048 – A shortage of firewood leads to the invention of the witch slow cooker that uses more efficient charcoal.
• 1049 – The Chinese invent the first drone. The only thing it does is make an irritating droning noise. They quickly dismantle them except for several smuggled to Scotland for making bagpipes to piss off the world.

1051 to 1060

Under heavy attack by the Seljuk armies, Byzantine Emperor Romanos IV bravely offers to go for help. Unfortunately, he rides to the enemy camp to try and enlist aid.

Vatican diplomacy:'Fututus et mori in igni' you Greek bastard'

“Noel or Liam?”

~ the College of Cardinals, on being unable to choose a new pope. (1054 CE)

• 1050 – Death of Byzantine Empress Zoe. She is survived by her third husband (and ex-lover) Emperor Constantine IX. She married him shortly after the death of husband number two Michael IV and a failed power sharing agreement with her husband's nephew Michael V and her own sister Theodora went pear shaped.
• 1050 - Possible date for Lady Godiva's bare bum horseriding performance in Coventry as a tax protest. Eat your tricorn hats Tea Party supporters!
• 1051 – China invents the chicken-powered clock allowing proper timing of cooking hard-boiled eggs. The 3-story structure is problematic at first with chickens being uncooperative. The invention of the chicken blindfold solves the problem.
• 1052 – Death of Sweyn Godwinsson and elder brother of Harold who would later become King Harold II. Sweyn had been a bit of swine. He had raped nuns and murdered a cousin. He also claimed King Canute was his real father. Sweyn went to Jerusalem to 'self-sin cleanse' but died on his way back to England in the hands of the Revenge Order of the Holy Sisters.
• 1053 – Washerwomen find that new Dreft™, the modern medieval washday miracle, removes bloodstains and gore from tunics while leaving rocks used for washing bright and fresh-smelling. The free chalices packed in the boxes are highly prized, though the looting of fallen castles would prevent most washerwomen from collecting a full set.
• 1054 – The West-East Schism. Catholics and Orthodox Christians go their separate ways on the subject of Papal supremacy and whether the Holy Ghost stands in line behind God and Jesus or lives in a three sided triangle to create the Trinity. No one below the level of theologian understands the argument. A committee is arranged to look into it. Currently still sitting 964 years later. A record Robert Mueller hopes to improve on.
• 1054 – Chinese astronomers spot an supernova in the night sky. It's later called the 'Crab Nebula' but the Chinese call it 'Oasis' and open a bottle of Champagne.
• 1055 – Seljuk Turks capture Baghdad and restore the Abbasid Caliphs to their capital. One of the Turkish leaders is Arp Aslan. He promises to invade Narnia via a magical wardrobe.
• 1056 – Cows take control of Jersey and Guernsey and create a short-lived socialist regime.
• 1057 – Josef of Stettin discovers that sanitation is important to good health and urges townspeople to clean up themselves and their surroundings. Now in the peak of health, everyone feels so good that they consider themselves bewitched and burn Josef at the stake as a witch.

• 1057 – By a quirk of fate, a lizard becomes emperor of China. The eunuchs plot against him, tricking into becoming the main course at an imperial banquet.
• 1057 – Edward the Confessor's nephew Edward the Exile returns to England after living abroad for complicated tax reasons. Edward eats a carbohydrate heavy Anglo-Saxon breakfast and then promptly dies. His family survive as they ate cornflakes.
• 1058 – Rome goes back to its old tricks with rival popes. Pope Benedict X (brother of Pope Benedict IX - let's keep it in the family!) challenged by Pope Nicholas II. The latter wins and changes the rules about how to elect a pope. The old method of openly bribing a mob replaced with underhand brown envelopes to a select band of cardinals. Ex-Pope Benedict X is imprisoned and chained to a wall.

Anglo-Saxon King Harold takes one for the team. Ooooo, that’s got to hurt. Let’s see that again on video replay.

• 1059 – The Florence Baptistry is founded. However, Florence would soon go rogue, becoming a Gnostic and changing her name to Florencé.

1061 to 1070

“Did somebody lose this? Hello?”

~ Anglo-Saxon King Harold on an arrow that he found. (1066 CE)

• 1061 – Normans finally tire of conquering places that are cold in the winter and set their sights on Sicily.
• 1065 – Seljuk armies invade Georgia to obtain the secret formula for Coca Cola.
• 1066 – The Battle of Stamford Bridge is fought when a Viking blocks bridge traffic, an early example of road rage in the UK.
• 1066 – The Battle of Hastings: Holding a commanding position on a hill, Anglo-Saxons chase what they think is a defeated Norman army. The latter are actually only running back to check the parking meters for their boats. The Anglo-Saxons end up being chopped to bits. 'It seemed like a good idea at the time.'
  

  Pope Gregory VII welcomed the penitent Henry IV with a thorough sniffing and then lifted his leg to re-baptize Henry.
• 1067 – William I introduces conkers to England, but Anglo-Saxons are forbidden to play due to health and safety regulations, as safety goggles and child-sized armor do not exist yet. Authorities would also warn about the danger of possible nut and string allergies.
• 1068 – Seljuks destroy Georgia for the second time after finding they were sold fake Atlanta Braves tickets.
• 1068 – Inspired by a drought, Chinese invent the drydock, drycleaning and dry beer.
• 1069 – Danish King Sweyn invades England and captures York. King William offers the Danes a bribe to sod off back to Denmark. To William's surprise, the Danes take the money and run...Hoo-hoo-hoo, go on, take the money and run...Hoo-hoo-hoo-yah!

1071 to 1080

“That’s sure a lot of Turks out there.”

~ Corporal Obvious, before he was a captain, on seeing the Seljuk armies before the Battle of Manzikert (1071 CE)

• 1071 – Armadillos migrate en masse from what is now Texas, lowering the average IQ there. Despite later major increases in the human population, the average IQ level there would never recover.
• 1071 – Using fauns, fairies, minotaurs and a family of English school kids, 'Arp' Aslan the Lion and the Seljuk Turks smash the Byzantine army at the Battle of Manzikert. Turks still celebrate this victory by sending obscene Twitter messages to Greece as a reminder.
• 1073 – Plastique Bertrand is burnt at the stake as a witch for making a variety of animal noises. People of all faiths give thanks.
• 1074 – Small cakes with frosting are first sold at river crossings in England, becoming very popular. They would be commonly called ferry cakes.

Brother Gerald wrote most of the Domesday Book in his long johns.

• 1077 – Holy Roman Emperor Henry IV goes on the road to Canossa as a penitent to ask forgiveness of Pope Gregory VII. As he cakewalks the entire way, the emperor takes months to get there.
• 1079 – Omar Khayyam writes the famous poem about his girlfriend Ruby Yachts.
• 1080 – Godfrey of Bouillon invents Bovril.

1081 to 1090

“Mallard off the port bow!”

~ Unidentified lookout on saying the last words he would ever speak. (1081 CE)

• 1081 – Due to a mistranslation from Greek sources, “Kraken” is actually “Quacken”, a giant ship-destroying duck.
• 1082 – Skynet sends Arnold Schwarzenegger back in time to become governor of California many years too early.
• 1084 – Accumulating a massive amount of gunpowder, Chinese scientists build a giant rocket and send a man to the Moon. After observing the puff of dust thrown up by impact on the Moon's surface, the scientists cheer and celebrate, then suddenly wonder if they should have come up with way to bring him back.
• 1086 – To avoid being taxed by being recorded in the Domesday Book, English peasants dress up as cows, sheep and horses. They are taken away by the king’s men as the tax, then sold to others or even eaten by soldiers and nobles.
• 1087 – Death of William the Conqueror. Now grossly fat and bloated, William is thrown from his horse and explodes when he hits the ground.
• 1088 – The pound lock is invented in China, allowing loaded ships to travel in canals and rivers with different water levels. Previously, ships would have to be unloaded with all their cargo mysteriously disappearing along with the ships. Chinese living far upstream, never having seen an intact ship, die from shock.

Chinese guardian lions predict the future invention of Roombas and practice accordingly.

• 1089 – Aliens from Proxima Centauri land in 3 spots to take over the Earth. The spots happen to be the American Midwest, Europe and Southern Africa where they happen to encounter wolverines, badgers and honey badgers respectively. After losing 2/3 of their ships and colonists, the fleet departs, never to return.

1091 to 1100

“Troubadours are coming! Hide your lute!”

~ Just about everyone (1091 CE)

• 1091 – The first troubadors appear in southern France, followed by jugglers and then by mimes. Every nation then declares war on France. Due to inaccurate maps, most countries are not able to find France and just attack whoever they happen to run across.
• 1094 – A clock tower is built in Kaifeng, China, creating the first clock watchers.
• 1094 – El Cid takes the Spanish city of Valencia from the Arabs, completing a Monopoly color bloc and begins building hotels on his conquered lands.
• 1095 - Pope Urban II preaches for a Crusade to liberate Jerusalem from the 'mooselims'. That the city has been under Islamic control since 637 shows how slowly news travelled in that age.

The Crusaders barbeque party outside the walls of Jerusalem gets out of control.

• 1096 – After watching many episodes of the Stargate franchise in the future, Roombas build their own stargate and arrive in the 11th century. They quickly sweep through North Africa, making it quite a tidy place for a change.
• 1097 – Berber tribesmen from North Africa use the stargate to travel to the future. They use it to bring back tons of sand for their childrens' sandboxes, with disastrous results for the future.
• 1098 – The city of Antioch is not only besieged by crusaders, but bewitched, bothered and bewildered.
• 1099 – An extraordinary bumper crop of spinach is brought in throughout Europe. However, nobody expects the spinach inquisition that follows.
• 1099 – The Crusaders capture Jerusalem. They don't trust the locals and kill them all in giant bloodbath. Then wonder why the places smells bad two days later.
• 1100 – Speakers of the arcane Leet language patiently wait for the year to end.
• 1100 – King William Rufus of England found dead in the New Forest. He has an axe through the head, a sword wound in the vitals and a sheaf of arrows sticking out of his back. Rufus's brother King Henry I rules it was an 'accidental death'.

See also

• Bayeux Tapestry
• Battle of Stamford Bridge
• Battle of Hastings
• Domesday Book