Michael IV
“Begone, wife. I want to rule alone”
Emperor Michael IV was one the biggest pricks ever to rule over the Byzantine Empire. He seduced Zoe, the wife of emperor Romanos III, and then convinced her to murder her doddery husband. When that was done, Michael married the newly minted widow to claim the throne in 1034. Then Michael decided he required protection from his killer-wife, so he had her confined to a wing of the palace where only the emperor, selected eunuchs and women were allowed to visit her.
By other standards (civil and military), Michael is ranked as a partial success in Byzantine history, but only because the next 40-odd years of emperors were equally crappy. Still, it was a brutal method to get the top job in the empire.
From peasant to emperor[edit]
Michael's father had been a peasant in what is now central Turkey and his mother was of equally 'low birth'. The real genius in the family was Michael's brother John, who got an important job in the Byzantine government, that of looking after the imperial Byzantine princesses Eudokia, Theodora and Zoe. However, that position came at a certain cost for John: It required that he be castrated. Ouch.[1] Still, John must have thought it was worth it to further the chances of brother Michael.
Michael had a handsome face and body but was probably semi-literate at best. Perhaps John gave him some tutoring. At any rate, Michael got a job inside the suite where the imperial sisters sat and cut their nails all day. Eudokia was pock-marked, Theodora liked eating cakes and then there was Zoe. Originally, the plan had been to send her to Italy to marry the Holy Roman Emperor Otto III. However, Otto didn't keep his side of the arrangement by dying from a mosquito bite the day Zoe arrived in Italy. Unable or unwilling to find her a new husband, Zoe's father, emperor Constantine VIII, had placed his daughter Zoe effectively under 'palace' arrest for the next 26 years.
It seems John managed to smuggle his brother into the women's quarters, where he was assigned to fix the shutters, mend the pipes, and do other odd jobs. Seeing a well-hung peasant's son around the place encouraged Zoe and Michael to start an affair. Whether Zoe's father Constantine was aware of this or not isn't chronicled but feeling that his own death was fast approaching the old emperor arranged his daughter to marry a Byzantine senator called Romanos. That done, Constantine died.
Zoe was now supposed to share the throne with Romanos but spent more time in bed with the handyman. Romanos either didn't care or hadn't noticed his wife was carrying on with Michael. Seeing how much Zoe was smitten with his brother, John arranged for Romanos III to have a fatal encounter with a soap dish and masseur whilst in his bath. Then Zoe married Michael in the Hagia Sophia, though the Patriarch of Constantinople demanded a huge bribe from the imperial treasury to administer the ceremony. He got his gold. The next day, Michael was crowned.
I don't need you now[edit]
To say Michael was unprepared for the job is an understatement. To help him out, Michael roped in his brothers, sister and nephews[2] to share imperial offices and digs, wholesale nepotism unmatched until Donald Trump. His brother John effectively ran the empire. For Zoe — who had expected to share the throne and power like Justinian I's wife Theodora 500 years earlier — her reward was a renewed banishment to the women's wing of the palace. Michael felt safer with Zoe hidden from public view and any chance of another handyman getting his handy paws on the empress.
Michael extended his paranoia to anyone associated with Zoe in the past. This included the Byzantine general Constantine Dalassenos, who had been oddsmakers' favorite to marry Zoe back in 1028. Dalassenos was recalled to Constantinople, where he waw imprisoned. Michael wanted to have him killed, but brother John said that would be asking for trouble, even though the government was virtually all relatives, especially after two more brothers also gave their testicles for their careers.[3] So Michael merely shipped Dalassenos off to Plate Island, a barren rock near Constantinople, like an Alcatraz for A-list prisoners.
Gains and losses[edit]
Apart from family drama, Michael's imperial rule had mixed results.
- There were a few minor conflicts on the frontier with the Muslim states in the East.
- The Serbians came under Byzantine influence early on, but repudiated that for independence.
- The Bulgarians did rebel again, but were crushed with the help of the Byzantine elite guard — the Varangians — under the Norwegian-born giant Harald Hardrada.[4]
One area in which the Byzantines renewed their interest was Southern Italy, which had become a confused mess of local Lombard lordlings and mercenary troops trying to take each other's territories, and sometimes those of the Byzantines. Michael decided it was a place for military glory (his) — but first tried to reclaim Sicily from Islam.
Sicily[edit]
The island of Sicily had been lost in the 9th century to Arabic invaders from Tunisia. The Byzantine empire had managed to keep a few fortresses but had lost the last of these by the 960s. It was considered a humiliation that the empire had failed to regain this land despite reconquering others. A general named George Maniakes was entrusted with retaking Sicily. He had already proved his abilities along the empire's eastern frontier.
Maniakes swore by the mix-and-match approach, but his army was a strange mix of troops who did not match: Italians, Lombards, partially Christianised Vikings and a contingent of Norman thugs. Landing in Sicily in 1038, they swept through the east of the island, re-taking Messina and Syracuse in the name of the emperor.
However, this success upset the Byzantine naval commander Stephanos, who also happened to be married to Michael's sister. At a strategy meeting, Stephen insulted all the units of Maniakes's army, telling them they wore their armour like sluts and couldn't march in time. The over-sensitive Vikings and their Frenchified cousins promptly deserted the imperial standard and retreated to Naples. The others flounced off, forcing Maniakes to flee Sicily.
Succession[edit]
Michael IV's health was failing by 1041. Zoe had turned 60. The only other living member of the imperial family was her younger sister Theodora, now residing in a nunnery. This meant the next emperor could either come from Michael's family or from one of his military commanders rebelling and seizing power. Eunuch John chose the former option. He wanted to maintain the link to the Macedonian dynasty, so it meant bringing Zoe back into play. This time, she wasn't going to marry another member of Michael and John's family. She would 'adopt' one of the nephews and rule with him. John selected Michael (later Michael V), son of admiral Stephanos and the emperor's sister Maria. The luckless Zoe went ahead with the arrangement, if it meant she could appear in public again. With his succession apparently settled, Michael IV died. He was still a prick.
References[edit]
- ↑ Castration was required for all men with regular contact with the Byzatine imperial family to prevent 'dilution'.
- ↑ Michael's other brothers were Constantine and George. He also had a sister called Maria.
- ↑ The Byzantine hobby of castrating their own bureaucrats never caught on in the rest of Christian Europe. Historians regret this.
- ↑ Harald is best known for his role in the invasion of England in 1066. He came third after his namesake Harold Godwinson (deceased) and William the Conqueror (winner).
| Preceded by: Romanos III |
Byzantine Emperor 1034–1041 |
Succeeded by: Zoe and Michael V |
