Zoe
Empress Zoe or 'Zoë Porphyrogenita' to give her full name in Greek was the three times married empress of the Byzantine Empire from 1028 to 1050[1]. If a mosquito bite hadn't killed her first betrothed, Holy Roman Emperor Otto III she would have spent her life in the Catholic Western Europe. Instead Zoe was married off to a succession of inept or useless husbands and became the stepmother of another to sort out a succession crisis.
Family[edit]
Zoe was daughter of emperor Constantine VIII, born in around 978. Her father was a weak willed (and weak kneed) younger brother of the brutal Basil II. For reasons possibly psychological Zoe's uncle Basil never married. As Constantine had no sons either this meant a suitable husband had to be found for Zoe. She was the classic middle child, between an older sister called Eudokia and younger one named Theodora. Eudokia was said to be facially scarred by smallpox whilst Theodora looked like a well fed barmaid. Only Zoe had the 'princess' looks. She was a Cinderella with two ugly sisters.
Once Zoe reached maturity it seemed best to see who was the best match for her. The Byzantine imperial family had intermarried with the Bulgarian royals - until Basil II would destroy their first empire. In the recent past The Byzantines had sent an imperial daughter to Russia as a conversion bribe to get them to follow the Orthodox tradition in Christianity rather than the 'beardless' Roman Catholic one. Yet it seemed sensible to deal with their great rival in the shape of the Holy Roman Empire. Inter-imperial relations in that past had been tricky and both sides were involved in the conflicts in Southern Italy. They also laughed at the other's claim to be the True Roman Empire but marriages had been arranged before. Emperor Otto III was half Greek himself by his mother Theophano who had been related to Byzantine emperor John I. Anyway, a deal was done even after the Germans realised they weren't actually getting a princess born in the imperial purple. This time there was no doubt about Zoe. She would marry Otto. She just had to get to Italy to meet him. Eager to meet her Germano-Greek husband, Zoe arrived in Bari. But a certain mosquito got there first and killed Otto with its infected bite.
Home Arrest[edit]
Zoe returned from her failed marriage trip. That her husband-to-be had died before she had so much put a toe in the marital bed didn't matter. She was viewed by her family as somehow to blame. Zoe's hopes of a marriage elsewhere or more preferably someone civilised and closer to home, were ignored by her father and uncle. The Byzantines were unwilling to let Zoe go anywhere else. She was in effect under house arrest.
By now Zoe's elder sister Eudokia had disappeared into a convent never to re-emerge. This left Zoe and Theodora as the 'purple princesses' to live a life surrounded by women and house trained eunuchs. This state of affairs carried on until Constantine VIII re-opened the succession issue. Perhaps the Byzantines were expecting miracles now. Zoe was now close to 50 and every year diminished her unlikely chance of producing an heir. Theodora was a couple of years younger.
Eventually Constantine narrowed Zoe's choice down to two men. One called Constantine Dalassenos was a military man convinced of his own abilities. The other was Romanos Argyros, an elderly pen pusher. Constantine had originally planned for him to marry Theodora but the later refused as Argyros was already married. Constantine then agitated that Zoe had to wed Romanos with the latter agreeing to dump his own wife to do this. Not wanting to upset her father, Zoe complied. Constantine died very shortly after.
Marriage One[edit]
Constantine VIII didn't sanction the marriage until he was dying. Zoe and Romanos were married, the later taking the imperial name Romanos III. The marriage was a disaster. Romanos's eye fell on younger members of Zoe's entourage. The randy old goat was soon bedding as many as he could in an attempt to catch up with lost time. Zoe for her part was more concerned about her sister Theodora. Relations between the sisters had been fraught when they had been obliged to share the same bathroom when confined to their 'woman and castrated men only' section of the imperial palace. Now Zoe was sure her sister was up to mischief to replace or 'retire' Romanos with the help of the Byzantine military.
Zoe managed to convince Romanos to move against her sister and allies. She was aware that if Theodora got to power via the backs (or beds) of a Byzantine general, her fate would be a life sentence inside some dull nunnery. Zoe moved first. She had her sister confined to a convent and then 'decided' Theodora was going to become a nun. Not trusting her own servants or those of her husband, Zoe personally shaved Theodora bald and forced her to take holy orders.
Whilst this was going Zoe had decided to embark on her own relationships. Her eyes (and soon her hands) fell on the body of a young handyman around the palace. His name was 'Mike the Painter and Decorator'. He was allowed to fix the curtains and change the candles in the women's quarters. He was also (as Zoe discovered), still in possession of his 'family jewels'. This was thanks to Michael's brother John who had sacrificed his testicles to 'work with women'. He had got Michael the job.
The copulating couple were able to sneak away from prying eyes but Zoe was worried that Romanos would find out. She had then told Michael that one of her hobbies had been creating poisons to get rid of 'troublesome staff'. Perhaps they could do the same to Romanos? Michael had been sceptical. He preferred a more direct route. Bribe some of Romanos's body servants to drown him the next time the emperor took a bath. They pushed the emperor's head underwater and kept it there until he stopped struggling. Allowing herself one day for mourning, Zoe made her lover her husband and emperor as Michael IV.
Marriage Two[edit]
Zoe had thought her marriage to Michael IV was a true love match. It wasn't. As soon as he could Michael effectively dumped Zoe back into the women's quarters. Her only role was to act as a step mother to Michael's declared heir young Michael, his nephew by his sister Maria and cackhanded admiral called Stephanos. All this would only come into play when the ruling emperor died.
For Zoe this situation was worse than she had with Romanos III. Michael insisted only eunuchs could work where Zoe was housed - and this now included anyone hired to fix the plumbing. Zoe did manage to smuggle a few messages out informing people of her plight and rarely Michael would visit her to see if she was alive or dead. His own family now dominated the Byzantine empire.
Yet Michael IV's own reign was not to last too young. In 1041 he died after a military campaign. Zoe asked to see her 'handyman' one more time. Michael refused.
Stepmother[edit]
The death of Michael IV saw Zoe's stepson Michael V succeed. At least there was no pretence they were married but it looked like an awkward arrangement. Who was the senior? Zoe or Michael?? The new emperor soon removed his uncle John from power and planned to get Zoe out of Constantinople. He supplied her with manuscripts showing her 'the best recommended convents' in the empire where she could retire and practice her poisons on disagreeable animals.
With virtually everything packed up for Zoe's enforced retirement Constantinople exploded into a riot against the emperor and his family. Michael fled but was blinded by the mob. The empire was about to fall into chaos it seemed. Zoe was still empress and the seemingly the only power in the empire left. That was then she saw Theodora (still in her nun habit) being carried on a litter into the imperial residence. To Zoe's horror Theodora had been adopted by the crowd to be 'their empress' and share power with Zoe.
Marriage Three[edit]
The two sisters were now co-rulers of an empire. A woman had once ruled alone before, empress Irene who had her own son's eyes gouged out back in 797. That reign hadn't been considered a success and had moreover had led to Charlemagne being crowned emperor in 800 in Rome under the pretext that 'only men can be emperors'.
Whether any of that was running through either Theodora or Zoe's heads is uncertain. More of a problem was that neither sister trusted the other and so they found it difficult to agree on anything. Zoe eventually came up with a solution. The imperial duo would have to become a threesome. She just needed to find the 'right man'. One obvious choice was Constantine Dalassenos, Zoe's almost husband back in 1028. However he still nursed bruised feelings about that and how Zoe's second husband had treated him as well.
Her second choice was on another Constantine, this one called Constantine Artoklines who Zoe had 'fun' with in the early 1030s. Since he was still married that would require a divorce but in the end it was he who got 'divorced' when his current wife poisoned him. Maintaining that she was going to marry 'a Constantine', Zoe got third time lucky with Constantine Monomachos. Like Zoe he had been married twice before but was now also a widower. The couple got married, though the stuffy Patriarch of Constantinople Alexis refused to do the marital honours. He didn't like men or women re-marrying.
Death[edit]
Zoe's third marriage appears to have gone well. Happiness at last. Constantine Monomachos who became Constantine IX was ineffective as emperor but a better husband than her earlier experiences[2]. He even managed to soothe her relations with the prickly Theodora. Neither woman was returned to seclusion by either family or husbands. They sat either side of Constantine IX when they held audiences with visitors.
It's possible Zoe was responsible for the virtual extermination of Michael IV's family but that is more likely Theodora's doing. Michael V was castrated and John the Eunuch lost his eyeballs to match his lack of stones in his undergarments. Those who survived changed their names and went ex-directory.
Mosaic[edit]
Zoe died in 1050 aged about 72. A mosaic of Zoe can be found in the Hagia Sophia. She is seen with Jesus and her third husband Constantine IX. Since Zoe looks so youthful it is suggested that it was originally made in 1028 when she married Romanos III. Over the years that portrait was updated to account for her change of husbands twice more. Zoe's portrait on the contrary stayed unchanged. As did that of Jesus.
References[edit]
| Preceded by: Constantine VIII |
Byzantine Empress 1028–1050 |
Succeeded by: Theodora and Constantine IX |
