Today's featured satanist
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n the beginning there was nothing, and from that nothing arose Uncyclopedia, a great and magnificent tome containing all that was good. And once opened, Uncyclopedia spawned all that was funny and great. From the pages of Uncyclopedia sprang forth the knowledge of how to huff a cat, the knowledge of the meaning of the acronym "NRA", and the knowledge of how to beat a joke to death. From Uncyclopedia sprung Oscar Wilde quotes, beautiful pictures, and an annoying copycat named Wikipedia. However, right from the beginning, there was foretold an end. On the last page of Uncyclopedia, there is a small note. The note reads as follows:
Dear Reader,
Uncyclopedia will not last forever. Eventually there will come the Unpocalypse: A fiery rain of Hebrews will fall
from the sky, followed by forty days and nights of fog. Once the fog is lifted, Uncyclopedia will be no more.
However, dearest Reader, take solace in the fact that you will have due warning. There will be 5 signs that the
Unpocalypse is coming. The signs are as follows: (continued...)
Recently buried: Todd Lyons - Hindleyite - Suresh - Mhaille - DeathByPie - Hardwick Fundlebuggy
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Did you kill...
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- ...Elvis?
- ...JFK?
- ...Jesus?
- ...some Zombies?
- ...Oscar Wilde?
- ...Chuck Norris?
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In the pit
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On this day...
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July 17: Dog Days Begin (Summer), Professional Copiousness Day (Uncyclopedia), National Lottery Day (Massachusetts)
- 800 - With the Roman empire in shambles, the Dark Ages begin, ushering in a time of mysterious axe wounds and serfdom.
- 1493 - Native Americans sail east and discover Spain. They fail to celebrate this as their shackles prevent feasting and dancing.
- 1612 - The first message by homing pigeon is successfully received. It reads "Send back the pigeon".
- 1741 - Massachusetts successfully holds its first lottery, with over £3000 raised after paying out prizes totalling £5. The legislature manages to spend it all in 3 days on parties, hookers and liquor, establishing rules for governmental spending priorities in America.
- 1717 - The Blackbeard Catering Company (pictured) is founded, offering full foodservice and a variety of bar items including rum and grog, all at competitive rates.
- 1877 - The Statue of Liberty arrives in New York. Her luggage would be lost and not arrive until a week later, leaving her with only a green bathrobe to wear.
- 1934 - Faced with demands to clean up its act, Hollywood introduced the Hays Code, which set guidelines for things such as the use of Negroes in film.
- 1948 - The U.S. Presidential ticket of Strom Thurmond and his New Hampshire Merchant Cat, Stripey, garnered over one million votes in the general election.
- 1955 - Disneyland establishes its independence from Pixar.
- 1995 - The Snopes website comes online, and the truth and validity of countless rumors and urban legends, such as the safety and sexuality of children's toys and children's icons, respectively, are quashed.
- 1981 - Absolutely nothing of any consequence happens.
- 2005 - Misquoting Jesus, a book by Bart Ehrman, is published. Within a few short weeks it becomes the center of a firestorm of controversy, most of it defending Jesus' accomplishments as described in the Bible, among them "champion surfer" and "speedboat owner".
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Satanist and Imp of the Month
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Once again, dear chaps, the Devil wins this award. 13th month in a row. He's that good, you say. Well I say, chaps, that just because he runs this website doesn't mean you blokes have to keep voting for him! He's already got 13 bloody GUNs! Stop voting for ------------ *scream from off stage*.
Announcers body is seen hanged from a tree
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The Devil, it seems, has done it again. Yet anouther award for him to hang above his desk, eh? I think he'll soon run out of space if he keeps up like this! He's already got 12 of these. Not that he doesn't deserve them and all. No no no deary, after seeing what happened to the last guy, I'd never say something like that. But really folks, have any of you even read the rules? He can only win once. It says it plane and clear. Well I say we fight it brothers! I say we kill The Beast! I say we
Announcer slumps forward in his chair. He has a large sword stuck in his back.
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