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There are currently 37,242 souls in our warehouse. |
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Today's featured satanist
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n the beginning there was nothing, and from that nothing arose Uncyclopedia, a great and magnificent tome containing all that was good. And once opened, Uncyclopedia spawned all that was funny and great. From the pages of Uncyclopedia sprang forth the knowledge of how to huff a cat, the knowledge of the meaning of the acronym "NRA", and the knowledge of how to beat a joke to death. From Uncyclopedia sprung Oscar Wilde quotes, beautiful pictures, and an annoying copycat named Wikipedia. However, right from the beginning, there was foretold an end. On the last page of Uncyclopedia, there is a small note. The note reads as follows:
Dear Reader,
Uncyclopedia will not last forever. Eventually there will come the Unpocalypse: A fiery rain of Hebrews will fall
from the sky, followed by forty days and nights of fog. Once the fog is lifted, Uncyclopedia will be no more.
However, dearest Reader, take solace in the fact that you will have due warning. There will be 5 signs that the
Unpocalypse is coming. The signs are as follows: (continued...)
Recently buried: Todd Lyons - Hindleyite - Suresh - Mhaille - DeathByPie - Hardwick Fundlebuggy
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Did you kill...
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- ...Elvis?
- ...JFK?
- ...Jesus?
- ...some Zombies?
- ...Oscar Wilde?
- ...Chuck Norris?
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In the pit
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On this day...
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May 13: Much Rejoicing Day (International)
- 28 – Jesus come home drunk at 3.45 in the morning, Mary wants him out of the house and get a job. There is much rejoicing.
- 29 – The Virgin Mary loses her virginity to the god from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. There is much rejoicing.
- 402 – Aliens land in South America, planning to meet up with the Aztecs but are several hundred years too early. There is much rejoicing by the Aztecs.
- 932 – Due to the strong Winter, Arthur and his men were forced to eat Robin's minstrels... and there was much rejoicing.
- 1568 – The forces of Mary Queen of Scotch are defeated by Irish Whiskey freedom–fighters. There is much rejoicing.
- 1776 – America is founded by Stephen Colbert. Ironically, he ventures on to making satire comments about himself. Obama is fucking pissed but who gives a damn? There is much rejoicing.
- 1846 – The United Spades of Amerika declares war on Mexico due to a shortage of taco sauce. There is some rejoicing, but not enough to be classified as "much" rejoicing.
- 1917 – Three peasant children claim to have seen a vision of the Virgin Mary near Fatima, Portugal. They deny it has anything to do with the marijuana they found growing there. There is much rejoicing.
- 1958 – John Velcro rubs a balloon on his head, sticks it to the wall. There is much rejoicing.
- 1966 – A Belgian boy described as a hero in a legendary prophesy is born. There is much rejoicing.
- 1968 – The Belgian boy described above dies of an HIV infection. There is still much rejoicing.
- 1969 – The Malays decided Chinese people should go back to their homeland (Tibet) and started killing them. About a billion Chinese people were sent to the hospital where they were actually killed because most hospitals at that time were operated by Malays. There is much rejoicing.
- 1973 – Prince Charles officially opens the first Kitten Molestation Contest. There is much rejoicing.
- 1992 – Sharon Stone gets laid on TV for the first time in history. There is much rejoicing.
- 2003 – Saturday Night Live is still on the air, despite protests and an economic blockade by Cuba. There is little rejoicing.
- 2002 – Keith Richards dies for the 38,763rd time. There is much rejoicing.
- 2004 – May 13, 2005 is celebrated on May 13,2004 by the National Time Travelers Club. There is much rejoicing.
- 2005 – The god from Monty Python and the Holy Grail sues eBay claiming that Virgin Mary on the grilled cheese sandwich that was sold for $80,000 was not a virgin after all. In a remote town in southern Zimbabwe, there is much rejoicing.
- 2008 – Dave Chappelle sues the Queen of England for using his copyrighted word BYAH. Howard Dean isn't amused either for he wanted to be the only one in politics saying it. James Madison returned to the throne as the President of the United States. There is much rejoicing.
- 2010 – Nuclear missiles are finally launched at Finland. There is much rejoicing.
- 2012 – People rejoice. There is much rejoicing.
- 2840 – Humans prove that their Civilization–Location–Time estimation technology is better then the aliens'. There is much rejoicing.
- Circa 5600 – The universe exploded due to too much rejoicing. There is much rejoicing.
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Satanist and Imp of the Month
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Once again, dear chaps, the Devil wins this award. 13th month in a row. He's that good, you say. Well I say, chaps, that just because he runs this website doesn't mean you blokes have to keep voting for him! He's already got 13 bloody GUNs! Stop voting for ------------ *scream from off stage*.
Announcers body is seen hanged from a tree
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The Devil, it seems, has done it again. Yet anouther award for him to hang above his desk, eh? I think he'll soon run out of space if he keeps up like this! He's already got 12 of these. Not that he doesn't deserve them and all. No no no deary, after seeing what happened to the last guy, I'd never say something like that. But really folks, have any of you even read the rules? He can only win once. It says it plane and clear. Well I say we fight it brothers! I say we kill The Beast! I say we
Announcer slumps forward in his chair. He has a large sword stuck in his back.
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Vote for Satanist of the Month | Vote for Imp of the Month | Vote for Occultist of the Month | Past Winners: 0/1
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