HowTo:Change a lightbulb
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The strange art of lightbulb changing is a painful mystery for most. Many brave men have met their doom trying to figure out how to replace a burnt-out lightbulb. But remember: once you tread the dark path of lightbulbchangery, forever will it dominate your destiny.
Please disregard all this if you are a therapist, as the lightbulb will then have to want to change.
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Equipment check
Tip
If you choose to substitute the beer, remember not to stop drinking even if you're starting to go blind. That's just part of the process.
You will need the following before attempting to change any lightbulb:
- a spare lightbulb (but not a real one -- only imaginary or so-called "virtual" lightbulbs will do). A green lightbulb can be used, but be sure to diffuse it first.
- a wet fork
- a suit of armor, or possibly armour
- a bucket of water
- safety goggles
- beer
- a pistol
- at least one finger
- several sixpacks
- If you are female and your hair is blond, black, brown, or red, there will need to be several of you, for reasons unique to each of these groups. The same applies for anyone who is a member of a specific religion, nationality, race, or occupation.
- a brain (optional), not advised if you are using the redneck moonshine
- a Blonde on a ladder
- a staple gun (for backup)
- a goat (if all else fails)
- the red or the blue pill
Dislodging the bulb
Got all that? Great. First we need to dislodge the burnt-out lightbulb. There are a number of ways we can do this.
Tip
Q: How many Uncyclopedians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: kitten huffing Oscar Wilde AAAAAAAAA!
Dismantle the surroundings
- Drink six (6) cans of beer.
- Repeat step one until you are drunk.
- Dismantle the area surrounding the lightbulb until it is no longer attached to anything.
- Proceed to Inserting the new bulb.
Throw bricks at it
- Drink six (6) cans of beer.
- Repeat step one until you are drunk.
- Clutch a brick. Take your time and feel its weight.
- Focus your anger towards the bulb. Feel free to mutter of its evil, or scream obscenities at the top of your lungs.
- Aim the brick.
- Throw the brick.
- Hope it hits the lightbulb.
- If you miss, observe which priceless artifact in the home has been broken, and repeat step 4 and upwards.
- If you smash that bulb, congratulations. Have another beer, man.
The best way
- Drink six (6) cans of anything.
- Throw a drinking party in the dark.
- Forget about the lightblub.(Since when did a lightblub become so important to you?)
Shoot it
- Drink six (6) cans of beer. Do not drink the equivalent volume of milk.
- Repeat step one until you are drunk.
- Insert ammunition into pistol.
- Realize that you have no ammunition for your pistol.
- Run to the nearest gun shop and acquire the amount of ammunition needed.
- Run back. Have another beer if you wish.
- Refer to step 2.
- Now, aim for the lightbulb, and don't forget to loudly remind the bulb who's the boss.
- Continue with various drunken threats.
- Aim at the lightbulb if you wish, but hey, what's the big deal with aiming at things?
- Fire away. Reload as necessary, run back to the gun shop as necessary. Refer to next step if after 200 shots you do not hit.
- Have another beer, and consider doing Throw bricks at it instead.
Smash it in with a fork
- Drink six (6) beers and/or vodkas.
- Repeat step one until you are drunk.
- Go to your kitchen, and locate a fork.
- Grip the fork.
- Put the fork under the faucet.
- Turn the dial fruitlessly, and realize that those bills you didn't pay might have been important.
- Douse the fork in beer instead. Drink any beer left over.
- Proceed to the location of rogue lightbulb.
- Start jabbing at the bulb. Make sure the light switch in the room is turned on.
- Attack bulb until it breaks. Make sure you make contact with the somewhat empty socket with your wet fork, if only to anger the lightbulb god.
- Receive electrocution. Go to a friend's house and have a laugh with him/her after telling story of the day's events, consume any offered alcoholic beverages. Paralysis is optional. So is dressing your electrical burns, but only after at least twelve (12) (XII) hours.
Blow it UP!!!
- Drink sixty (60) beers and/or spirits.
- Repeat step one until you are drunk/passed-out/dead.
- Awake several hours later to find pool of vomit congealing underneath you.
- OPTIONAL: Wash self.
- Search on internet for plastic explosives, preferably C4.
- Give up on search and drive down to local military base. Steal C4.
- Upon returning home DRINK MORE BEER. Prepare for planting of C4.
- Mould C4 around light fitting, making sure to smoke excessivly around C4.
- DRINK MORE BEER. Now insert detonator caps into C4.
- Kiss ass goodbye as you detonate C4 inches from face.
- In the (unlikely) event that you survive, congratulate self.
- DRINK MORE BEER.
- Realise you have not urinated for several hours and relieve self.
- Job well done.
- We need a little help with this article, if you have had any past experience, insert your (working) method.
Inserting the new bulb
Tip
The weirdo living on your front lawn would make a great best friend.
Now that you've gotten rid of the rogue lightbulb, you'll have to stick a new one in.
- Find your fresh lightbulb. Sing a Beatles song of your choice after finding it.
- Put on your labcoat, sterilized gloves and safety goggles.
- Put on suit of armor.
- Disable the flow of electricity. This can be most easily accomplished by sawing through a nearby utility pole.
- Start humming on chosen Beatles/Rolling Stones/The Who song.
- Attempt to have a drink to calm your nerves for the oncoming trial of truth.
- Equip the lightbulb, and insert it into the empty socket.
- Screwing the bulb in is very complicated. Every socket has its own combination code that you must remember, much like a safe. Unlike a safe, entering the wrong combination is likely to make the device explode in your face, in a cloud of anthrax, hydrofluoric acid, and napalm.
- Screw your bulb in according to your combination. If your combination does not work and the new lightbulb does not fit, try removing the remains of your previous lightbulb first.
- Duck for cover if it's wrong. Then kiss your soon-to-be gone butt goodbye. If you survive, peel skin off face and repeat previous step.
- Sigh in relief if it's correct. Then duck for cover anyway.
- Celebrate your triumph by inviting over the weirdo living on your front lawn, and accept when he offers you a handful of funny pills. Refer to section one of the other parts on what to take these pills with. Or, discover that your lightbulb doesn't work, and repeat any or all steps to replace it. also, instead of DRINK MORE BEER, replace phrase and action with TAKE MORE FUNNY PILLS.
- (You can stop humming now.)
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