S

“When I look back on the dayS of creation, I really wish I could have thought up the letter S. But, juSt when I was about to, some jackaSS went and did it. I tell you, I just about Smited him right there. But I am a God of mercy and love, beSideS, he did a pretty good job. Dam'n Sexy letter if I do Say So mySelf.”

~ God on S

“Dam'n! I love a letter with curves.”

~ Oscar Wilde on S

“S and Me are very good friends. Lets face it, you can't have sex without it.”

~ George Bush on S

“Th.”

~ Lisping Person on S

The Letter S: The Beggining

The letter S was created shortly after the invention of Sex in 1432. However, the creator of Sex soon found the act impossible due to the lack of the nintieth letter, the letter S. At first it was regarded as the leprosy of the Alphabet, but after Pope John the Thirty-Twelvth was saved from an embarrasing end to a threesome by the letter, it became one of the most popular letters. It's popularity is evident in culture today, as it is now Superman's emblem of justice. Oh, yeah, its true; He didn't just put it there because his name started with it, he put it there because He's a big, Catholic stud.

Before the invention of the letter S, the letter F waf ufed inftead. Fpecifically, the letter ſ waſ uſed without its croſſbar in important hiſtorical documentſ like the Declaration of Independence. Even after S was added to the alphabet, initial ſupplies were expenſive and S's were only uſed in uppercaſe and at the ends of words.

The Letter S: Today

Nowadays, the letter spends most of its time with its two curvy ends wrapped around some brassy blondes while being photographed for the cover page of Esquire. It also makes public appearances as a children's slide. Recent allegations regarding the aforementioned service have lead the public to believe that the letter is pedophile, but fans of the letter say that that's just because the letter has Catholic roots.

Douchebaggery

It is a well known fact that the letter S is a major douche-bag. It always walks around bars spray-tanned with sunglasses and a pout-y lip and thinks it's the shit. S claims to have a better sex life than you, but it's actually single and has only ever gotten pussy from A, the alphabet's douchebaggette. It always hits on C and I, and used to try to score with U until he got beat up by U's boyfriend Q. S still claims he won that fight, but the whole alphabet knows that he's a giant pussy. He sometimes gets so desperate that he'll hit on Y, because even though he's straight, Y is bi and is too nice to let him know that he's a total ass-face. He even tried to hit on W, the alphabet's only gay letter, but then W got his friend V, who's a girl, to beat him up with him, but S still claims he won. It's reported that S may be a new cast member on The Jersey Shore.

Trivia

• In the Nazi language, ſ can be combined with "s" or "z" (ß) to confuse Americans into thinking the letter is actually a B. This convention played a major part of the 1930s propagandamania-craze.