Logie Award
 |
The Logie Award is the media and so-called "celebrities" of Australia's version of the American Emmy Awards. It was decided that Australia's media talent rip-off of the Emmy Awards should be handed out because it gives out awards based on which TV show has desperately sucked up hard enough with attempts to make tear jerking roles for some overrated actor to play. At least the Australian media industry was smart enough not to make a complete dickhead out of themselves by attempting to make a clone of the Academy Awards, because no one in their right mind would give a flying fuck about categories like "Best Use of a Stereotyped Tin-Shed Out in the Middle of a Rural Bushland".
Origin[edit]
The origin of the Logie Award started in 1986 when Australia first received television where it really blew the minds of home viewers. Some took it in with excitement. Others thought it was some kind of Aboriginal voodoo that was only a passing fad. The rest of them saw Paul Hogan trying to be funny and were so offended by it they claimed they could do better acting jobs, and so the Australian television industry was born.
The award itself is a stainless steel or golden dildo mounted onto a beer coaster. The general idea of the award is that if Australian actors wish to be called "celebrities" then they can be awarded with something that says "you want us to say congratulations, but instead we say go fuck yourself."
Australian Celebrity[edit]
We are aware the header here is a full-on oxymoron, but, since the shitty actors of Australia like to pretend they are "celebrities", it's like calling retards "special people" to make them feel better about themselves. Not one of the Oz "Celebrities" has ever had a fan walk up to them and say anything other than "Ain't you that fuckhead from Neighbors? You're a fucking wanker, mate!".
It takes a complete and utter wanker to treat other wankers like "celebrities" in Australia. This is where Australia's #1 cum-guzzling visitor to Vegemite Vally comes into play. Richard Wilkins, or as the Aussies call him, "Cockhead", acts like he knows something about entertainment and interviews all the Oz celebrities that no one in Australia was even aware existed. Cockhead, along with Channel 9 and Channel 7 broadcasting stations, will promote the fuck out of any television show that they are personally putting money into, then claim their new show is a smash hit even though no one in Australia can stand the sight of another drama based on cops, criminal investigators, doctors and nurses or some shitty actor from Home & Away trying to break free from their role as a character named Sally. The TV stations will over-advertise the show as the #1 watched program in Australia, even though it hasn't been aired yet, expecting the viewer to swallow this kind of shit.
Australia's reaction to this is to not actually watch the show, but instead puke at the first sight of it then avoid it by going out and getting drunk because there is fuck all on the television. However, the show everyone is avoiding is bound to win a Logie to make the broadcasting executives feel less retarded about making the billionth half hour peace of shit to be based on a group of police officers that the local community have respect for. As well the stations will also continue to ram their cheap-shit shows down viewers necks, like reality TV, which by "reality" means "Dancing with the Retards" and one of the bazillion fucking cooking shows that have to interview the latest faggots who lose that week. Like someone might give a monkey's fuck to hear about how some knob-jockey enjoyed his time on the show and wishes everyone else the best of luck. It too will receive an Logie as "Best Piece of Shit Made for Under 100 Bucks". It's at times like these that the real Australian viewer have visions of these so called "celebrities" having a sting-ray reverse into the eye of their piss-hole and kill them. If the power of Australia's mind control can make this happen once before, they can do it again!
Logie Presentation[edit]
Australia will piss themselves laughing as Logie night begins in typical fashion as it is hosted by Mooning-Ass-Face himself, Bert Newton. Newton will make Australia burst into tears laughing when he begins the show by saying something like "We are here to award the Australian acting talents one of the most prestigious awards in Australian history". The pre-show will begin with Australia's A-list, not to be confused with actors. These are people from Australia that other Australians might recognize. However, you have to understand that the Logie awards is a poofters paradise, so you will never hear the line "Oh look, that's the guy from Mad Max". No, you will hear "I think that's the guy that sucked off Molly Meldrum for a spot on Red Faces". Like the Academy awards, the Australian paparazzi flock to the red carpet to see who is wearing what and screwing who for the evening. But unlike the American paparazzi, no one is fucking stupid enough to buy the photos they shoot. Only shitty magazines like Woman's Day are dumb enough to think someone in Australia might care to see the cum stains dribbling down Shane Warne's chin onto his rented tuxedo.
The rest of the show is presented by a bunch of Australian nobodies that the so-called "celebrities" in the room pretend they recognize on stage, which is the only decent bit of acting any of them can do. It then runs through a boring ceremony of categories like "Biggest Try-Hard Script Writing for a Logie Award Written to be Played by Georgie Parker", and "The Lisa McCune Award", which is presented to Lisa McCune each year as she is the only contender for the Lisa McCune award.
At the end of the night, all the so-called Australian celebrities give a golfer's clap to the winners of the night, and are then showered in Richard Wilkins Jesus Juice excitement while a midget named Daryl Sommers skips around in circles while receiving a blow job from a hand puppet.
UN-Infamous Faggots guaranteed to show up[edit]
We have already named names in who appears every year without fail, most of which receive a sitting ovation of silent mumbles of "I thought that cunt was dead". Other pricks who will show up to the event, whom mind you, would show up to the opening of an envelope, are Gary Sweet. Gary is Australia's version of Bruce Willis, if Bruce Willis was a flaming homosexual offering to push all the boys stool in at the bar. A show would not be complete without Etta Buttface, who makes sure her Woman's Day photographers slap her ugly face on the front cover of the magazine. Jenny Little Dick, whom was Australia's first ever successfully preformed sex-change douche. John Howard, Not to be confused with the Ex-Australian prime minster. To tell the two apart, one looks like Mr Sheen and the other is a fat tub of lard. Rove McAnus is never a no show, he wouldn't miss the TV exposure opportunity to deny the latest rumors he is a manifestation of a dead dingos hemorrhoids for the world. The latest entire cast of Home & Away that raise questions like, "Who the fuck's that bimbo?", Last years cast of "Home & Away" that moved on to other things and are bewildered by the fact people still have no idea who they are, as nobody watches "Celebrity (fill in the shows name here)". Skippy The Bush Kangaroo; just wouldn't be complete without Australia's biggest and best sex symbol. Marty Monster, a valid candidate to prove the writer of this actually is Aussie. The Leyland Brothers who play their infamous them music to let the audience know it's time to wake up and fuck off home now. And of coarse, last but not least, unfortunately, Alf Stewart A man who wins the award of "Are you still on that fuckin' show?" every 3 years.
After-party[edit]
The after-party involves all the so-called Australian celebrities joining in with Dickhead Wilkins masturbating furiously into each others mouths, while the women hike their skirts up and piss in unison in some sort of human fountain display. This is the traditional Australian way to celebrate being an Australian celebrity. However, to the rest of Australia, those "celebrities" are just a bunch of weirdo fucking poofters.
