The Future
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This article documents a current event. Information may change rapidly as the event progresses. |
“Tomorrow, someone will become strongly homosexual.”
The future is a long awaited historical period, and the third and final component of the Age of Time trilogy. It has long been scheduled to be opened to the general public by tomorrow, but budget constraints and logic have resulted in continuous daily setbacks to this scheme. Fans of the past and present continually express outrage at this, but producers respond by reminding them that they'll all be dead by the time it arrives.
Some people believe that the future is merely hypothetical; its very definition, as hard as it is to understand, bears all the signs of impossible logical fallacies and conceptual idiocy. Nevertheless, the idea of the future as a nonsensically shiny place full of robots, rockets and nude Japanese people remains as unflinchingly set into the mind of the public as the chance of next morning being enjoyable.
Introduction
 This article or section is able to see into The Future.Although Wikipedia is not a crystal ball, Uncyclopedia is, so we get to say what happens in the future and they don't.
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Predicting the future is a common term among time fans eagerly awaiting its release. The term refers to any leaked information about the future, and assumptions created from that information, as well as pure conjecture. This consists mostly of fans making guesses based on the mistakes of The Past, which was widely regarded as only fun for the hardcore time fans. There are many internet discussion forums where the world's greatest minds come together and argue with one another whether the Future will stick to its simple roots, or be a complete sell-out that is all about the graphics.
What makes predicting the future difficult is that it is protected by the CSS encryption algorithm. Anyone who has tried to predict it prior to the 18th century has died; this is not known for certain.
in the future the man, will become obsolete. this is because the woman (the earth mans old companion)will create a robot that will have a penis 12x the size of any earth man before this time, this will be the beginning of the end for all of man kind (or just man itself).
What The Future Is Going To Be Like
According to genuine scienticians, You will discover this page at precisely 13:06 21 December 2024 West Africa Time (WAT). Fans of time conjecture that this will have a profound influence on the plot of the Future.
General Differences
From the small amount of information released about the future, this much we know for sure:
In the future, Rambo-esque Teletubbies will function as the soldiers of Earth's dictator, Petey Piranha. All jobs will have become obsolete, as nearly all necessary tasks will be taken care of by mass-produced androids made in the likeness of Oscar Wilde (referred to as OW’s). For example, groceries will be delivered by specialized GroceryDrone OW’s, which receive grocery lists from widely used robot carrier pigeons. However, in the future all food products will serve as nothing more than aesthetic implements, as human food consumption will have been replaced by vitamin-fortified heroin injections.
Future children will also be raised by HappyNanny OW’s, who will expose infants and toddlers under their care to a proportional amount of the soul-crushing isolation they will experience as young adults. Hugs, to be deemed unsanitary in the future, will be performed by HappyNannies in a cold and loveless manner until they are recognized by the child as a form of punishment.
As an adult in the future, your entire life will be spent barren of inconvenience until your 30th birthday, when the Sandmen come to take you to Carousel and you are sent floating gracefully into the air to explode in an array of fantastic bloody carnage while the under-30 crowd has a rave all around you.
Transportation
In the future, no one will have to drive on congested roads or get tired from walking long distances, as people will use rocket-powered tricycles to go from place to place. All sidewalks will be conveyor belt like, with giant mechanical hands wearing white gloves picking up humans along the path and dropping them at their destinations. Automobiles and other vehicles will still exist, but rather than consuming gasoline, they will actually produce it, and this gasoline will be used to fuel said tricycles. Contrary to popular belief, teleportation will not exist in the future, as teleportation research will be strictly forbidden by the Earth’s genderless vampire overlords. The humans that survive will move to Germany and fight off the vampire overlord people.
Hot Lisa Giving Head
Every leisure activity enjoyed today will be replaced by a virtual reality version of it. This includes sex, which will be provided by holographic prostitutes projected into your very own bedroom simply by dialing "*69" on your telephone. Thanks to Japanese innovations, said “holo-whores” will be able to be adjusted to meet any conceivable fetish. …Yes, even that.
Visual media-wise, you will be entertained by 3DTV thanks to tiny projection emitters embedded in your living room walls. Unfortunately these play nothing but reruns of Family Matters and Knight Rider 24 hours a day. Future equivalents of DVD players will have been banned by the government in response to a cataclysmic battle triggered by format disputes for next generation home entertainment systems.
Fashion
Fashion of the future will exclusively be based on a silver/metal theme, with styles falling into one of the following categories:
- Hyper-aerodynamic
- Luminescent
- Glittersequinescent
- Neo-Homo
Hairstyle trends will overwhelmingly favor the gravity-defying and sharply jutting type, dramatically increasing the per capita usage of styling mousse, as well as the number of fatal hair impalement incidents each year (both inadvertent and premeditated). Glasses and sunglasses will always sport dynamic horned rims, or just have a single oblong lens that covers both eyes.
Music
All techno. Techno everywhere, all the time, and taken intravenously. Electronica is available in pill or syringe, but an overdose could lead to you dancing until you die. The antidote to a technoshot or technopill overdose will not exist because of the potency of future electronica music. All other forms of music will be called gay for lack of powerful, ultra low synthesized bass and drums. Acoustic guitars everywhere will be destroyed in a "Bluto" Blutarsky fashion against walls in front of horrified chicks until all that remains is synthesized bass and drums.
Yip Classical music crap will be gone in 5 to 10 years of when this was written (2009);
Language
In the future, all of the world will speak a combination of modern English and lolcat, which closely resembles babytalk English of today. The difference is the calculated result of years of lolinternet. In written English, capital letters become extinct, and much of the grammar has become inconsistent. People everywhere will praise the language for its regularity! Even the English, who enjoy trying to fit as many irregularities into each sentence as possible.
- Examples:
- zampl'z:
- Present-Day English: Yesterday I went out and killed my cat.
- futa inglic (Future English): yestaz me go'd out n kil'd ma kat.
- Present-Day English: I have a cute pet cat named Ginger.
- futa inglic: me hav kute pet cat nam'd ginger.
- Present-Day English: I believe that the president is an honest man with benevolent policies.
- futa inglic: no such sentence available in futa inglic .
- Present-Day English: You are lovely, and I want to make sweet love to you all night long.
- futa inglic: yu iz luvly, n me wonna seks yu up all nait.
- Present-Day English: Serial Killers
- futa inglic (Future English): Fuckz fuckz fuckz !@#$%#@$# bullshiz
By Present-Day English, this can mean England English (hence the name), American English, Australian English, or Undeveloped Lolcat.
Buildings
Buildings will look more phallic than ever, due to the futuristic love of the dildo by every man, woman, and child. Doors with hinges will be eliminated completely and replaced with sliding razor sharp panels. Everything will be covered in chrome and Teflon... EVERYTHING. Flowers and grass springing up from the ground will immediately be painted chrome, and a world-spanning fleet of flying saucers will spray chrome dust into every cloud in the sky. Every cloud will literally have a silver lining.
Also, all skyscrapers will be designed to look like longcat. Anything that´s not chrome (and can't be made chrome) will be demolished, desintegrated, or other things that mean the same thing.
Global Warming
Due to people throwing garbage and driving cars causing what scientists call "global warming", the earth will nova like Alderaan on the 31st of December year 2100, since humanity would not exist past the 21st century.
Futurstorical Events
In a bit
- Dr. Robotnik takes over the world, and falls in love with Amy Rose.
- Women are allowed and encouraged to be topless in public after they sue the government for inequality with men.
- You die.
- Tokyo renamed "Neo Tokyo"
- Vatican admits pretty much everything was a hoax. Longest April fools joke. Ever.
- The Polar Ice Caps asplode.
- Starcraft replaces football as world’s most popular sport
- The First Church of Spongebob opened
- Aunt Ginny makes her famous brownies for the bake sale
- Earth's magnetic poles mysteriously reverse positions. USA wakes up to discover that it is now in South America.
- Female orgasm scientifically proven to exist
- Robots become intelligent enough to understand humour
- Canada buys one (1) tank
- Pizza will not exist, it will be replaced with fairy bread tacos.
- The Simpsons will reach at least season 50, while Family Guy returns to its 20th season after being canceled 7 more times.
- Somebody think that they could solve the global food crisis by eating recycled, purified, reprocessed shits with added flavors and nutrients.
Almost but not quite just about right now
- New York renamed "Neo York" or "New and Improved York"
- The independent state of Utah annexes Singapore, colonizes it, and renames it “Utoporia”
- New Taco Bell Crispalupa Taco-- $0.79 for a limited time only
- Trilobites and Dinosaurs totally make a comeback!
- Matt Groening genetically engineered to look like Homer Simpson.
- Poorly built space elevator is constructed, and quickly breaks down, necessitating the construction of space stairs.
- Wikipedia purchased by Encyclopœdia Dramatica LLC (Limited Lulzability Company)
- USA colonizes Uranus. Related jokes NEVER get old.
- Hoffa gets buried
- Toenails go extinct.
- All Uncyclopedia articles are permanently locked to non-robotic users.
- Canada gets its first shipment of weapons for its army, yet no soldiers.
- Sweden, Finland and Norway blow up (cause unknown).
- China is taken over by Tribbles
- Goombas get added to the list of endangered species.
- George W. Bush's dad whips him for not starting the prophecized war in Iran.
- Cornwall declares itself an independent republic.
- Hillary Clinton seizes power by coup. Obamaland and Dixie declare independence.
- The Quebecois work themselves to death while trying to turn all of Quebec into a giant spaceship in an attempt to separate from Canada.
Oh, a long ways off
- New Zealand renamed "Nü Zealånd"
- Nü Zealånd will invade all pacific islands...
- ...apart from Australia, which will invade Nü Zealånd, thus controlling "Austro-Nü-Chinasia-nesia" (The new name for the Pacific/Asia).
- All forms of education rendered obsolete by the invention of brain transplants.
- Sun goes dim; Danny Boyle nukes it back into brightness.
- Plants become obese after excessive carbon dioxide ingestion.
- You will finally have sex.
- Philip J. Fry defrosts
- People will actually do what "we should do something some time" when they meet with an old friend.
- We finally get to the other side of your moms ass
The last moments of the universe
| Human history and prehistory |
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| ↑ before Homo (Pliocene) |
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| see also: Modernity, Futurology |
| ↓Future |
- Humanity becomes intelligent
- Neo Germany makes a funny joke
- Nü Zealånd discovers cure for the end of the universe. Nobody cares. As usual.
- Weather service become 100% accuracy
- Bill Gates goes bankrupt
- people watch and like batman and robin.
- Duke Nukem Forever, Dr. Dre's Detox, and Axl Rose's Chinese Democracy 2 is released
- Bags of Crisps come full to the rim, not half full of air
- Death dies
- Dr. Zoidberg becomes rich and gains friends, thus ending his misery.
- Nü Zealånd survives an apocalypse where the Earth is destroyed in a big hellfire. The guy who invented the spoon is brought to the future by means of time travel but before inventing the spoon and dying in the apocalypse, thus creating a time paradox that destroys the entire universe.
- Cookies actually taste bad coming from Your Mom
- First time machine made, Church of Scientology buys one and goes back to the start of humanity. Huge disappointment; someone stepped on an internet.
- France refuses to surrender.
- France refuses to eat cheese.
- Duke Nukem Forever makes it to the Development Phase.
- The UK is actually remembered by people who do not live/come from there.
- Dubya finally gets it.
- Canada Recaptures the earth
- France evolves into humans.
- Edward Cullen goes straight.
- Time machines are sold out.
- Pigs swim.
- The last statement ever stated: I inquire as to what the sexual intercour...BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!
- The alternative last statement ever stated: Oh SHI-...BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!
- The second alternative last statement ever stated: ............What the Fu-?...BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!
Inventions of the Future
- Uncyclopedia Pay Plus! and Uncyclopedia Xtreme!
- Food Pills
- A Canadian Military
- Wheel 2.0
- The SuperWheel
- The XtremeWh33l
- Fire Xtreme
- Battery operated leg warmers
- Time machines
- Most things from futurama (except talking robots)
- A system that works
- Iron Man
- Flying Cars (Fucking lying 1980s movies)
- The Shagohod
- A better mousetrap
- Assassins from the future
- Everything that we ever wanted now but didn't have the technology to make, or told that we didn't have the technology even though we actually did have it, the rich bastards who had it were being selfish.
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