Fremantle, Western Australia
“Don't believe the marketing - nothing's free these days.”
Fremantle (pronounced "fre-MAAN-tl", unless you are a total twat in which case you would say "FREE-man-tl" and spell it Freemantle) is the port of Westralia. Until the Perth airport was built in 2003, Freo (as it is known to the local drug addicts who find words of more than 2 syllables difficult) was the only way to get to Perth except across the treacherous Nullarbor plain, which only one man has ever crossed successfully. The rest ended up stuck in the puritanical pit of Adelaide - a remote outpost that is a curious mix of christian fundamentalists and park dwelling homosexuals.
Culture[edit]
Located in the centre of freo is a small harbour town that is mostly populated by the Fremantle Dockers, a zombie-like race that walk around (with feet dragging) in misty clouds of body-odor and and are never too far away from one (or more) of the following: piss / pot / coffee / magic mushrooms / magic crystals / pyramids / rabid pets / rageddyl clothes / useless trinkets. At times, the local feral population have declined due to accidental employment, thus requiring the importation of foreign ferals (the West Coast Eagles) but restrictions stated that they could only be musicians or scummy extroverted street performers with quasi accents.
Local Fauna[edit]
Habbos[edit]
The term 'Habbo' comes from a contraction of the titles of two groups that are prolific in Freemaantel, the homeless and the aborigines. These two groups are connected in more ways than one, if you see a homeless person on the street, they are usually aboriginal (presumably drunk). And conversely, if you see an aborigine on the street (presumably drunk), they are most likely homeless.
Visiting the local soup kitchen on Parry Street early in the morning will allow you to see the Habbo in its natural environment scrounging for food. The Habbo generally travels in packs but it is not uncommon for more feral individuals to roam alone.
Be warned, if you come into contact with a Freemaantel Habbo, you will be verbally assaulted (unintelligible) and then asked for money or cigarettes. If you refuse then more verbal abuse will result. If by some chance they do not verbally assault you, your olfactory senses will be assaulted by their smell.
Luckily the range of the Freemaantel Habbo is restricted to the central part of the city of Freemaantel, the Wellington Street Train Station in Perth and the trains that run in between.
Music[edit]
One of these feral-turned-crap-street-performer types, John the Butler, made it to the "big time", being played on radio station Triple J more than once. His trio of unwashed hippies now tours the country promoting their music, which includes such hits as "Don't Fill the Bong with Methylated Spirits" and "Treat Your Mamma (To a Night at the Crack House)".
It is also the burial place of Bon Scott of AC/DC, making it popular with bogans, although it has recently become too full of yuppies for the bogans to actually be able to afford to live there. This is backed up by data which shows that, as the number of old Holdens in the area has decreased, the number of Volvos, SUVs, and Volvo SUVs, has increased.
Sport[edit]
Fremantle has a rich history of sporting culture, started in 1255 AD with the advent of the Fremantle Football Club. A few years later, the club folded because the clubs funds were all embezzled and being spent on Freo's infamous "cappuccino strip", a whore house in the south end of town where patrons are treated to coffee and a peep show. Later, the remaining members who were not washed up in caffeine rehab went on to form the South Fremantle Bullfrogs, coached by one Jeremiah P. Freilie, who led the team to victory over the evil East Perth Doylies.
The town's other club, the East Fremantle Gummy Sharks, is known for the time when wingman Shaun McAnus (cousin of Rove) played the last 3 quarters with a broken skull. They went on to lose the premiership match at Subiaco Oval by 1 point despite having sold their souls to Satan in order to win the match. Most of the players from that era are now retired and living in Mandurah.
In 1908 Fremantle founded a football club knows as the WA Anchors, which played in the Australian Rules Tournament until 1994, when they were rebranded as the Fremantle Dockers, but retained the old uniform. The club is known affectionately by the locals as "the shockers" because of their shocking game play. Fremantle have played in every AFL finals series since their inception, and have won numerous premierships. However, due to their colour scheme of purple, green and red, they are considered very gay by supporters of all other teams except Port Adelaide, whose sky blue colour is even more gay.
History[edit]
Fremantle is nestled at "The Mouth of the Swan". "The Mouth of the Swan" being a blood and bone factory that pre-dates Dutch settlement and was first constructed in 86 BC by the indigenous inhabitants of Australia - The Freemasons. It is believed to have supplied fertilizer to the Ming Dynasty of China before his empire was overthrown by the armies of Flash Gordon. The exact date of Dutch settlement is unknown but it is believed Captain Dirk T Hartog along with his first mate Jaames Boag sailed into what is now Fremantle back in 903 AD. Captain T Hartog later developed a popular TV show and starred as 'Captain T Kirk'. Repeats of the show have been running since the last series was completed back in 1486 AD and are still running to this present day. Hartog still has a large fan club and can be met in hologram form at the Nuclear Warfare Memorial Museum which is located in Cockburn Sound, site of the devastating explosion caused by the unplanned detonation of Kim Beazley. This anomaly occurred when Kim Beazley's atomic weight reached super critical mass during a pie and chip binge that followed his Labour Party's 147th straight election defeat.
The Fremantle Doctor[edit]
The Fremantle Doctor, or (as was originally known by the Dutch settlers "Freemaantel Dokteur"), is the nickname given to the village idiot of the town of Fremantle. It has been wrongfully reported as the strong westerly sea breeze that blows in the late afternoon throughout the warmer months in Fremantle. Fremantle has a rich history of village idiots, the most recent being Sir Damian of Drum, and Clive Waterhouse, nephew of Victoria's most famous premier Gai Waterhouse.
Hungry Jacks[edit]
"Hungry Jacks" Fremantle is an infamous fast food chain on the cappuccino strip that has been home to many shootings and murders, the front of the shop is populated largely by youths that carry guns, grenades and also tanks. It is owned and managed by Rocky "the Italian Stallion" Cardillo. On lucky days, you find absolute fag-holes who love to blow air horns and then try to re-create the sound with their marijuana-infested lungs. Of course, when they return home, they blow other things, such as their mother, father or dog. The only place in the whole world were the management doesn't buy oil. They use "the Italian Stallions" own fat.
Little Creatures[edit]
"Little Creatures", another term synonymous with Fremantle refers to the 16-19 year old seemingly permanent female like residents of two ancient watering holes in the town - Meitropaalis and Haarboorzide (formerly known as Zaanzeibaar). This pair of venerated establishments are frequented by these sentient beings who seemingly clone themselves at will. Their multiplicity is at its strongest during the months of December through March.
Suburbs[edit]
Apart from the harbour town itself, the "City of Fremaantle" or archaic "Freemaanteldamm" also comprises many surrounding suburbs:
- North Fremantle, the only part of Fremantle that is North of the River, however it became part of Fremantle when it sided with the South during the War of Perth. It is made up of hippies, alcoholics and old people who like to spend their time cleaning off graffiti.
- South Fremantle, home of Australia's largest cash economy due to the large numbers of Italians who call it home. An Australian Italian will not buy anything unless he can pay cash and therefore get a discount.
- White Gum Valley, the only place in the world where apartheid still applies, however it is only applied to trees. All of the black gums were exported to Adelaide.
- Beaconsfield was described by Oscar Wilde as "The place between White Gum Valley and Hilton."
- Hilton, which holds the Perth record for Most Cars On Cinder Blocks In Front Yards, after taking over from the Northern suburb of Girrawheen in 1212.
- O'Connor, an industrial area whose most important feature is the Gage Roads brewery.
- Samson, sister suburb of the Swedish town of Delilah.
- Hamilton Hill, the fucked up place where all the bogan/stoner/druggies/alcoholics and abbos live in to escape from the reality, and it is the largest weed plantation in australia, since cops are too scared to even come close to hami hill. And finanly on the streets you would see tags W.A.S (western australian stoners)
East Fremantle[edit]
The Town of East Fremantle (orig Eist Freemaantel) is technically not part of Fremantle at all, but rather a smaller mass that became trapped in the gravity field of the harbour. It was developed as a "penal colony within a penal colony", and was effectively a free-range lunatic asylum until the late 24th century. Eventually the concrete wall that surrounded the suburb was removed. The area remains a lunatic asylum, however the inmates are now allowed to mingle with the general population.
Role in the Evolution of Unemployment[edit]
What the north of Westralia is to the mining industry, Freemaantel is to the unemployment industry. Freemaantel has been at the forefront of developing unemployment throughout its rich and diverse history. No town has worked harder to maintain an active state of unemployment amongst its permanent residents and few can lay claim to attracting more people to the unemployment industry. The town has a superlative record in maintaining its proud unemployment record even in times of record economic growth. No town has worked harder against a tide of record employment and labour shortages to continually foster a state of blissful apathy amongst its subjects. The "Deny a Job" campaign was successor to the clever but short lived "Procrastination for an Occupation" campaign. This was due to an oversight in the planning committee that failed to recognise the fact that a moderately clever slogan involving elongated words never catches on.
