16th century

This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.

Represented here are the time periods from a whole lotta years ago to a big bunch of years later.

The 1500s was a time of major First World problems for the elite, including chronic chafing from tights and allergies to ostrich feathers.

The 16th century encompasses the years 1501 to 1600.

The time is yet another period of warfare; serious, constant, endless warfare. The tipoff should be that the Hundred Years' War continues, the Eighty Years War starts up, the Warring States period in Japan continues after 75 years, and the Long War checks in as the little brother of them all. Arquebuses help speed up the process of carnage. If only they had tanks.

It is both a bad time and a great a time for Catholics. While dismayed by the Protestant Reformation, they are delighted that they have lots of groups on which to take out their frustrations: Huguenots, Lutherans, the Church of England. If only they had reached India in enough numbers to have a go at the Sikhs.

This is an era of exploration by Europeans just so they can say they discover lands on which unimpressed natives already happen to be living. Europeans then enslave them after figuring out where the gold and silver is and what good things to eat could be taken back home. If only they liked penguins and snow cones better.

Chronology[edit]

1501 to 1510[edit]

Merry-go-rounds were extremely dangerous in the 1500s.

c.1501 – The Sikh religion is begun, forcing a young Martin Luther to play catch up. The Sikhs would start off by doing Protestantism one better by pissing off two major religions.
1502 – A new work and travel scheme for Africans in the Americas is created. Most people would still call it slavery, however.
1503 – Nostradamus predicts his own birth.
1504 – Michelangelo's David is indecently exposed to the naked world.
1506 – New converts from Judaism to Christianity are greeted into their new religion by being massacred. This demonstrates that martyrdom is always better when it happens to someone else.
1508 – Michelangelo gets the ceiling painting contract for the Sistine Chapel and goes overboard and over budget.
1509 – King Henry VIII succeeds his father Harry Seven as ruler of England. He marries Catherine of Aragon. Five more to go.

1511 to 1520[edit]

1512 – The Male German Eruct Choir is founded by Johann Sebastian Mastropiero.
1512 – Trees are first discovered by Felix Gonzalez de Sanchez in Bilbao, Spain.
1513 – The first Running of the Bulls is held in El Chicago, Spain. Michael Jordan gores two unlucky fans and Dennis Rodman is destroyed after breaking a leg. Ernest Hemingway is trampled in his ringside seat.
1513 – Juan Ponce de León lands in Florida and discovers sinkholes and alligators while wandering off a marked path at Disney World. He claims he was just looking for a drinking fountain.
1513 – Balboa is laughed at by local Indians for claiming to have discovered the Pacific Ocean.
1514 – The Battle of Žalgiris takes place as united Lithuania and France forces defeat the combined forces of the Teutonic Order and the indigenous Native Americans.

Queen Elizabeth I was able to travel incognito by disguising herself as a pastry.

1515 – Francis Duke of Valois becomes King of France. He immediately enlarges his codpiece for all future royal paintings.
1517 – Fifth Lateran Council. One of its decrees is misinterpreted when thousands of believers flock to buy seafood at now legal prawn shops. The excommunication of certain members of the St. Louis Cardinals is upheld. There is condemnation of those attacking the faith and war declared on the Ottomans to regain the Holy Land once again, with taxes levied for it once again. Of course, nothing much happens except for the tax.
1517 – Martin Luther nails 95 dirty limericks to a church door in Wittenberg, Germany. There Was A Pope Called Leo, Who Was a Very Peculiar Fellow...you get the drift.
1518 – A plague of dancing breaks out in Strasbourg, Alsace. A Mme. Troffea is seen dancing to no music for six days straight and hundreds of others join in with many dying of exhaustion. This would later lead many years later to the Allies trying to parachute Strasbourg natives into Hitler's Berghof, hoping to induce him shake his booty until he died.
1519 – Ponce de León tries to promote his grapefruit diet to hostile Florida Indians protective of their orange and lemon industry.
1519 – 'Charlie the Chin' Habsburg, King of Spain becomes Holy Roman Emperor in a close vote with King Francis of France and King Henry VIII of England. There were only seven votes in it...that is..in total. Carlos/Charles V wins six and votes for himself. That makes seven.
1520 – Aztec ruler Moctezuma II (or Monty Zuma) is killed by the conquistador Hernan Cortes for spitting on a crucifix and wiping his bum on the Spanish flag. His secret chocolate recipe dies with him.
1520 – King Christian of Denmark murders his Swedish guests at a Stockholm party when they insist on playing Dancing Queen by ABBA.

Archers of the period are terribly nearsighted and are quite jumpy. Here are two allied armies accidentally attacking each other.

1521 to 1530[edit]

1521 – Martin Luther promotes his Diet of Worms eating plan. After refusing to recant, he is excommunicated by Pope Leo X.
1521 – Famed prophet Nostradamus predicts that the King of England will have an affair and take the Queen of France as his mistress.
1522 – Ferdinand Magellan sails round the world to prove he is an ardent globalist. Regretfully, 'Ferdy' fails to complete the journey as he is detained in the Philippines with a spear through his vitals. Flat Earthers still celebrate Magellan's bloody death every year as 'providential' and a Sign of God.
1522 – Pedro de Mendoza has a vision of the Virgin Mary whilst in the bath.
1523 – Amy Winehouse travels back in time to discover the worlds first cocaine plantation.
1525 – The year 1525 is found to contain a bug as with all Microsoft products. If anything happens in this year it is to be returned back to the manufacturer for a full refund (tax deductible). Most events on this year will be reissued under the year '1525 v2.0'.
1525 – Lutherans conquer the Holy Roman Empire while chanting "Cuius regio, eius religio."
1526 – The printing press is introduced in Stockholm, Sweden. It will be used as a dining room table until 1530.
1527 – Rome sacked by an army of Germans led by the Duke of Bourbon, the Count of Cognac and Baron von Schnapps.
1529 – Suleiman sends an army of 325,000 men to attack Vienna. After a short siege, the smell of cooking cabbage and pork schnitzel drives them off.

Barbarossa was able to capture many ships by impersonating harbor police.

1531 to 1540[edit]

1531 – Henry VIII of England establishes the Church of Big Fat English Guys. Big Fat Catholics are incensed and not just by altar boys carrying censers.
1531 – A major earthquake strikes Lisbon. No one dies except for 30,000 people blamed for causing the event by witchcraft.
1532 – Diego de Ordaz goes up the Orinoco River looking for El Dorado, a legendary city of gold. He find lots of crocodiles and piranhas just fine, but no gold.
1532 – The Prince by Niccolò Machiavelli is published. In it, he describes how to cackle like a madman while trying to take over the world, setting the stage for future James Bond movies.
1533 – Anne Boleyn and her head become temporary queen of England.
1533 – Atahualpa Emperor of the Incas is killed by conquistador Francisco Pizarro for spitting on a crucifix and wiping his...oh wait..see above with Moctezuma and Hernan Cortes in Mexico. Atahualpa takes his secret cocaine hot chocolate mix to the grave.
1534 – Jacques Cartier arrives in Newfoundland and immediately looks for Newfies to mock.
1535 – Philipp von Hutten tramps through the jungles of Venezuela looking for El Dorado but insteads finds Indians trying to kill him. On escaping and reaching a Spanish settlement he gets his head chopped off by Juan de Carvahal.
1536 – Nobody expects the Portuguese Inquisition, either.
1539 – Hernando de Soto roams throughout southern North America spreading ill will and many diseases amongst the populace. Upon his return to Spain, he nominates himself for "Ambassador of the year".
1540 – After laughing at de Ordaz and von Hutten, Francisco Vazquez de Coronado hears the story of the Seven Cities of Cibola, made of gold, and mounts a huge expedition into the deserts of southwestern North America. He finds plenty of sand, rattlesnakes, angry Indians in mud pueblos, but no gold. He slowly begins to notice a pattern.

1541 to 1550[edit]

1541 – Suleiman the Magnificent captures the Hungarian city of Buda but ignores Pest across the Danube, mistaking it for being a reflection in the water.

God would continually remind Catholics to kill as many people as possible. This and the Plague was part of God's plan to get the human population down to a manageable 1000 or so souls.

1542 – A young Ivan (later Ivan the Terrible) begins to earn his name by dropping dogs off the walls of the Kremlin. Though shocked, his regents and teachers continue to heap false praise on him. Ivan then decides to improve his aim by dropping teachers from battlements onto dogs passing by.
1542 – Francis Xavier arrives in India end becomes well known and will later be often conflated with Francis of Assisi as well as Professor Xavier.
1542 - Birth of Mary Queen of Scooters. Daughter of King Jock V of Scotland and Vespa Lynd.
1543 – Nicolaus Copernicus states the Earth and planets revolve around the Sun. What an idiot.
1545 – The Council of Trent is convened to decide whether to persecute Jews or Protestants first.
1545 – French troops attack the Isle of Wight. While some historians state this was an attempt to hold off a potential attack by harassing the English coast, most seem to agree they just showed up too early for a rock concert and got restless.
1547 – Henry VIII dies before he can execute his sixth and final wife Catherine Parr. Foul breath is suspected!

1551 to 1560[edit]

c.1551 – The Dutch receive the thanks of higher class drunks of the future by distilling wine into brandy.
1553 – Ivan the Terrible comes of age and throws his regents and his mother off the walls of the Kremlin.
1553 – Queen Mary I of England restores Catholicism as the state religion. This spells trouble as most Church of England members have forgotten the directions to the nearest Catholic church.
1555 – Nostradamus publishes his best seller: How I Predicted Everything But Was Too Lazy to Explain How.
1556 – Emperor Charles V abdicates so he can have more fun in a monastery. Peculiar man.
1558 – Queen Elizabeth I gains the English throne and restores the Church of England as the state religion. Millions of confused English folk turn to the "old ways", but Cthulhu decides he has enough followers. The English then become secret Buddhists.
1559 – An unknown Italian invents ice cream. It is not until the choice of flavors extends beyond "dirt" that the treat gains popularity.

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about 16th century.

1559 – King Henry II of France dies when a dirty great big lance goes into his face in a royal tournament. The vain monarch had left his visor open to have a better look at his mistresses before starting the next round.

1561 to 1570[edit]

1561 – Mary Queen of Scots returns to Scotland after her French visa expires. Mary thinks she's in hell after living so long in France.
1563 – Jews are expelled from France and Moravia. They run into each other on the road somewhere between, discover a cave leading to the center of a hollow Earth and follow it down. There they discover living dinosaurs that turn out to be Catholics. Shit.
1566 – Sultan and Caliph Suleiman the Magnificent dies on a camping holiday in Croatia. Succeeded by his son Selim II, called 'Selim the Sod' or 'Selim the Sot' for his un-islamic boozing.
1567 – Mary Queen of Scots ceases to be when Scotland rejects her. They choose her son James I as King in the expectation he will be authorising a Bible down the line.
1568 – Akbar of India manages to expand his empire and kill thousands despite his tendency to warn his enemies just before surprise attacks.
1570 – Ivan the Terrible orders the massacre of everyone in Novgorod. He weeps because he is not able to murder each resident personally.

'I had the right of way Johnny Turk!'

1571 to 1580[edit]

1571 – Battle of Lepanto. The Holy League resoundingly defeats the Ottoman Empire in a huge clash with a bunch of rowboats. The Ottomans have a lot to answer for, what with overtime rentals and boat damage.
1572 – Tupac is captured by Spanish conquistadors, starting the East Coast vs. West Coast rapper war.
1572 – The St. Bartholomew's Day massacre. A traditional Catholic festival where you line up all the Protestants you can find in a garage and fill them full of arrows.
1573 – Tuscany begins producing porcelain. Meanwhile, the Chinese have already moved on to Melamine ware and styrofoam carry out containers.
1575 – Juan Fernandez sights but sails past Tahiti. Idiot.
1575 – Battle of Nagashino. The Japanese Takeda Clan performs a "pre-enactment" of the Charge of the Light Brigade with its cavalry wiped out by protected arquebusiers.
1577 – Swiss clockmaker Jost Burgi takes things too literally and makes a hardly visible minute hand for his clocks.

Wily merchants of the time would wear oversize clothing to force portrait painters to use larger canvasses, thus getting their money's worth.

1579 – The Netherlands splits into two: Double Dutch and Single Dutch.
1580 – Emperor Rudolf II leaves Vienna to set up an astronomy in Prague. Spends the rest of his reign in a dirty pair of underpants but is happy to stare through telescopes and pick his nose.

1581 to 1590[edit]

1581 – Sir Francis Drake circumcises the world with a 100ft clipper.
1581 – The Dutch depose King Philip of Spain as their ruler. The rebels' leader William the Silent keeps to his name and stays mum.
1582 – Sir Francis Drake the 2nd circumvents the world with a 100ft spaceship and ended up on Mars.
1582 – Time disappears between October 5 and October 15, courtesy of Pope Gregory the Great. Some theorize that God took a ten day vacation in the Bahamas.
1583 – Philosophers believe they have discovered that 1581 is 1851 backwards.
1583 – Sir Francis Drake is called a liar by the Flat Earth Society, a.k.a. the Catholic Church.
1584 – William the Silent's last words before he was assassinated were "and now I have something to.." BANG!!
1585 – Without Gwyneth Paltrow around, Elizabeth Bathory develops her own healthy regimen. Quorthon helps.
1587 - Queen Elizabeth I authorises the execution of her cousin Mary Queen of Scots for over acting to achieve an Oscar nomination.
1588 – The Spanish Armada attempts to invade England. While taking a tapas break, the ships are attacked by an English Navy led by Sir Francis Drake. A storm raised by druids destroys much of the rest of the Spanish fleet, with many ships crashing on the rocks of Ireland, allowing visits with Pictish relatives.
1589 – King Henry III of France is blown up by a fake dog placed inside his royal bedchamber.
1589 – The English Armada attempts to retaliate, but three rowboats and a bunch swans fail to do much destruction.
1589 – Hickadilly Hill is founded by Spanish missionaries, who name it after rednecks and Dairy Queen.
1590 – The Liechtensteiner Armada ambitiously attempts a two-pronged attack on England and Spain, but fails to make it out of the moat around Vaduz Castle.

Historians are now convinced that Shakespeare's sister wrote all the works attributed to her brother William. Fortunately for us but unfortunately for her, this image passed down through the years is also of her.

1590 – Birth of Henswick Wallenfraüde.

1591 to 1600[edit]

1592 – Korea repulses the first of two Japanese invasions with kimchi.
1593 – The Long War begins between the Habsburg Empire and the Ottoman Empire. It was ironically named from the start in the hope that it would actually be short. And it was, lasting only 10 years.
1593 – Giordano Bruno arrives in Rome for dinner. He is taken out for stakes and barbecue 7 years later by church authorities.
1594 – Dutch trading companies range throughout Indonesia doing what they do best, looting, burning and killing. They import massive amounts of dusty, moldy and tasteless spices that markets are still trying to sell to us today.
1595 – Sir Francis Drake finally hears about El Dorado, the city of gold, and travels into the jungles of Guiana. He finds zilch, blaming his misfortune on tourist maps bought from a souvenir shop in Georgetown. He will try a different souvenir shop when he returns in 1616 for another go.
1595 – France declares war on Spain. It was about time and it was their turn anyway.
1595 - Deciding that his palace is overcrowded, Ottoman sultan Mehmed III orders the murder of his brothers. All 19 of them.
1596 – War breaks out between the Dutch and the Kingdom of Java over a minor misunderstanding about Javans not wanting to be slaves nor being used for target practice.
1598 – Russia slips into anarchy. It is the best type of government they will ever have.
1599 – The year is known as the year so completely useless that nobody except a person with a great lack of imagination would say something about this year. Lord Alvin Redund, a Lord famous for inventing Redundancy, was born on June 3 of this year, thus making it his birth year. Thus, his birth year is 1599, the year he was born in, making it Lord Redund's birth year when he was born on June 3. Lord Alvin Redund, a Lord famous for inventing Redundancy, was born on June 3 of this year, thus making it his birth year. Therefore, his birth year is 1599, the year he was born in, making it Lord Redund's birth year when he was born on June 3.

Proof that hallucinogenic drugs were used in the 1500s.
Amateur hacks painted mediocre works such as this in the 16th century. They are better forgotten.
European theme park thrill rides were basic but very popular during the age.
Even in death, the de Medicis still cackle madly and rub their hands together as they plot to take over the European Union.
Women wearing bulky dresses were used to smuggle armies of dwarves across borders.
Polish winged hussars required the fastest horses since they were constantly pursued by angry or amorous swans.