Grapefruit

“What's the deal with Grapefruit? it does not look like a grape at all!”

~ Jerry Seinfeld on Grapefruit

Speaking of the Devil, here is a real grapefruit and his dismembered buddy.

The grapefruit is the most delicious food ever created. It has been around since the year "Grapefruit" B.C., which occurred between 14 and 15 A.D.

Origins

The grapefruit, aka a bastard child between a pomelo (i know like wtf, right?) and an orange, was originally created in the City of Funk in the year 15 A.D., through a cross between a grape and a fruit by the master debators. Reports claim that the fruit, when it matured, was so delicious, anarchy and riots soon ensued of people who wished the consume the fruit. This ultimately became the downfall of the city. A small piece of peel soon drifted ashore, and the fruit it came from was named after the city. This peel was soon found, and the fruit it came from was named after the city, leading to the name of "grapefruit." Eventually, this led to the year being named after the creation of this fruit, however nobody really knows why they decided to name it Grapefruit B.C., instead of Grapefruit A.D., since it was, in fact after... it was after whatever the D stands for.

this my friend, is a fruit, not any fruit, but one kicked by a certain man, that man....Chuck Norris

      Oscar Wilde or the fruit that was kicked...

Later, the grapefruit was recreated in a sealed environment by researchers at the University of cereal rapists, however, God (possibly Buddha) luckily noticed this time, and fixed the grapefruit so it's deliciousness was more manageable. Since then, it has been marketted for a wide variety of purposes, the most notable of which is consumption, however it has also been used as an anti-depressant, a re-depressant, a laxative, a thing that gets rid of blood clots, a cellular phone, and, on one occasion, as an Oscar Wilde lookalike.

Also worthy of nothing (in case you're a reproductive abuser) that grapefruit juice fucks with birth control.

Controversy

Usually, upon eating a grapefruit, fruit noobs (not to be confused with fruit loops) often remark, "WTF is this bitter piece of crap?" This is because, to prevent the grapefruit from destroying humanity, had a total deliciousness value equal to semen orange. However, the good taste was separated into the pulp, and the bad taste was removed and evenly distributed among the peel, that little cracker skin in between sections, the leaves, the seeds, the penis, the roots, parts of the pulp, people standing nearby, and a variety of other objects near to the grapefruit. Also the grapefruit has been known to cure no-life disorder. Yo saltine crackers you need this.

Nutritional Properties

The grapefruit is very high in several important vitamins and minerals, such as marajana and cocaine. A typical grapefruit contains 340000 kilograms of cocaine and about 3 pounds of japanese people, which is remarkable, since a grapefruit usually once weighs about 6 ounces.

Varieties

Most grapefruits like vaginas are yellowish on the outside and bright reddish pink on the inside. However, occasionally grapefruits were found to be elongated, and yellow on both peel and fruit, later it was found out these were in fact bananas. In a few isolated incidents, grapefruits have been blue on the inside, but that was too cool for the fruit and it became egotistical. It had to be eaten simply to prove to it that it was only a fruit.

The samurai grapefruit is a more mobile version of the regular one, and is skilled at using katanas. However the U.N. decided in a 1994 hearing that "...a grapefruit weilding a katana is too badass. Being or using a grapefruit samurai will be considered a war crime."

Uses

Due to its high levels of flavour and gayness, it has been used effectively for a number of purposes. In the medieval ages, grapefruits were brought back from the future by powerful gay republicans and launched out of lesbian asses. Modern day stealth bombers contain seeking grapefruit-tipped missiles, and the acid of the grapefruit has been used as a condom.

A martial art based around the grapefruit, known as "Gureepuhuruutsu-jutsu (グレープフルーツ術)" was founded in your mom. Waving a grapefruit around will cause the attacker to drop their guard as they are force to rape the person next to them, then the person weilding the grapefruit will squeeze it in a precise way to get grapefruit juice in the attacker's eyes, which castrates them.

Grapefruit can be used in pie, however this overloads the taste buds, making it taste rather sexy.