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Styrofoam Larvae
Scientific Classification
Kingdom: Foamae
Division: Piepschuimphyta
Class: Schaumstoffpsida
Order: Porespanales
Family: Schiumeae
Genus: Isoporae
Isoporae styrofoamus

Styrofoam is a slightly edible fruit which is produced in overwhelming quantities from nothing at all.

Life Cycle

The styrofoam fruit has a highly complex life cycle.

Life Cycle of the Styrofoam Fruit
3 days Egg tiny styrofoam bead 1.0 to 2.0 mm
6 years Larva tiny styrofoam potato chip (delicious) 1 to 2 cm
100 years Child styrofoam peanut 2 to 3 cm
584,234 years Angst-ridden teen styrofoam right parallelepiped 0.5 to 2 meters
853,321,653 years Adult gigantic bizarre shape with many strange appendages 500 to 1500 meters
Over 9000 million years Old man with various cancerous black spots blue tac The square route of 2 meters
Styrofoam begins its life cycle as an egg.

After 450 billion years (give or take), the adult styrofoam fruit is finally ripened, and will suddenly and violently explode into a mighty showering of 450 zillion tiny tiny bean-shaped pieces that will clog up vital machinery and trade routes within a 5,000 mile radius. The miraculous cycle of life then begins anew.

Physical Properties of Styrofoam

The styrofoam here (in the child stage of its life cycle) exhibits a dazzling array of variety.

Styrofoam has many physical properties, mostly because it manages to inhabit our physical universe. The semi-inorganic substance is often confused with rice cakes and tofu, but can usually be distinguished from them only by virtue of having slightly more flavor and not being able to go stale.

Styrofoam comes in a humongous variety of dazzling colors, such as white (#FFFUUU), slightly-off-white (#FEFEFE), antique white (#FDFDFD), classic white (#FCFCFC), and pasty-white-ass-of-white people white (#FBFBFB).

Large blocks of styrofoam possess surprisingly large amounts of inertia, in spite of having no measurable weight. It used to be thought that this strange property was due to the buoyancy of styrofoam within Earth's atmosphere, but Archimedes was soon proven to be grossly mistaken when his styrofoam-filled dirigible plummeted to the unforgiving ground and burst into flames, killing millions. Archimedes was later forced at gunpoint back to his lonely bathtub and just sulked and brooded for a while.

A brood of styrofoam infests an office cubicle.

Although it might sound crazy (which it is) Styrofoam has oft been observed to warp the very fabric of space-time itself. This bizarre and counterintuitive behavior has been codified by professional quantum mechanics into the Fundamental Laws of Styrofoam Packaging.

The Fundamental Laws of Styrofoam Packaging

  1. The net volume of styrofoam used to pack any given box usually exceeds the total volume of the box by at least 50%.
  2. It is almost impossible for two blocks of styrofoam to occupy the same spatial-temporal coordinates at the same time and space (depending on how hard you squeeze them).
  3. Styrofoam is extremely difficult to get rid of, as it has a tendency to yearn for human companionship, and will lovingly cling to its presumed owner for precious warmth and closet space.
  4. Once you throw out one styrofoam, five more move in. This is due to the fact styrofoam only produces babies once it has been term
  5. Under no circumstances should you plant a styrofoam fruit of any size, shape, age, or color in any place at any time. This is because the fruit will instantly grow into a massive, full grown tree, effectively killing anyone in the way (which will include you, unless you can move out of the way at the speed of light.) Even so, the tree would then rip a hole in the time-space continuam, killing everyone within a 5,000 mile radius.

Styrofoam Makes the World Go Round

Styrofoam is shipped all over the world in alarming quantities by UPS, FedEx, DHL, and UPS 3-Day Select.

Scientists tell us that by the year 3000, the world will be composed entirely of styrofoam, cockroaches, and Clorox® bottles.

See Also

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