Figs

“Ah yes, Fig... He and I had a wonderful evening together in '67, what with the candles and the moonlight...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Figs

“What's a fig?”

~ Sir Isaac Newton on figs

“Whats is the sound of figs stealing brains?”

~ Zen monk on figs

The fig is a deceptive fruit, indeed it has been suggested that it was in fact a fig that offered Eve, from the bible story Genesis, the forbidden fruit. The fig impersonates a fruit, and does it very well. However it is much like a sea squirt, an invertebrate that roots itself to the sea bed, digests its brain, and spends its life living off.. sand... The fig, however, spends time growin, and once it is developed enough to walk, it grows a new brain, and each year, thousands of figs leave the water and go in search of bushes to attach themselves to in colonies, to give the illusion of being a fruit. Any human who has ever seen this event, has either been committed to a mental asylum, or been devoured by the figs.

Why?

So, I hear you ask, why do they do it, when they know they will be eaten? The answer is this: the

Figs, innocent looking, but more dangerous than 4 atomic bombs...

fig wants to be eaten, it is the fig's sole ambition in life, but once again I hear you ask why, and if you will just be patient, I will get to that! The juices of the fig contain a virus, very similar to that of the zombie virus, however it allows the fig complete control over the host's mind, and while at first this may seem ridiculous, the fig's brain is smaller than that of <insert name here>, so how does it control all the functions and emotions that your average human does? Well the fig gains all knowledge and memories that the host had, and is therefore able to inhabit a human successfully.

What next?

Once it is inside the host, it sells all the hosts worldly possessions, buys a stall at the local market, or a shop in a mall, and sells figs, figs and more figs, and sometimes fig jam... Then, people come in and buy the figs, and the process starts over again, it is rumoured that Bill Gates is actually under the control of a fig, and is the fundraising front for figs.figs are an evolving species. one day, they will come past their retardedness, and f***ing kill EVERYONE! YOU WILL ALL BE DEAD:)

What you can do

Clearly this cannot be allowed to happen, so how can we stop this covert invasion? The answer is simple, if you see a fig colony, or a fig stall, or a fig shop, then torch it! And don't leave until it is a pile of ashes!

A prime example of someone who has had their mind stolen by the nefarious figs

Not one fig can be allowed to survive! If you know someone who has eaten a fig, there is only one cure: make them eat another. Yes it sounds crazy, but in fact, figs hate each other, and so, with them together in a human's brain, it is pure hell, and sooner or later they will push themselves through the excretory system and die. However, there is a possibility that the figs will survive for a while, and pull the human to pieces. But, it is the only cure, and must be undertaken, no matter what the cost may be!

"I'm not the fig plucker or the fig plucker's son,

But I'll pluck figs 'til the fig plucker comes."

--- Yo mama

Influence

The fig played a key part in the finding of gravity, for it was a fig that fell on the head of Isaac Newton and not in fact an apple as previously conceived.

Newton was sitting in the backyard of his friends house below what he thought was an apple tree. He was reading the latest issue of Playboy when an object fell on his head. He immediately confronted his friend on the matter.

• Newton: An apple just came out of that apple tree and hit me on the head!

• Newton's Friend: What apple tree?

• Newton: The one in your back yard!

• Newton's Friend: That's not an apple tree. It's a fig tree.

• Newton: What's a fig?!

And so the great phrase "what's a fig?!" was born. Newton patented it 5 hours later and has received 25 cents every time someone utters the sentence. I have had to pay $550.75 since this morning as I was travelling in the Fig Factory.

Fig Newtons

Newton was quick to investigate the newfound "fig". He immediately pureed the fruit and put it inside bread. He came to his friend with the idea.

• Newton: I have decided to make pastries! I call them Gravity Bits!

• Newton's Friend: Gravity Bits? What's Gravity?

• Newton: It's another patent I've recently gotten. It's a force!

• Newton's Friend: But no one knows what gravity is yet. Why not call them Fig Newtons?

• Newton: What's a fig?!

The King of Figs

As it is so widely known, every million years or so, the Figs decide to elect a leader in order to run their mind control operations. This leader is called the King of Figs. The original King of Figs, Figulonicus, was the one who lead the Great Powerwalk from Figuland to Earth, and taught the Fig species how to use their powers of mind control. The current King of Figs is the most powerful Figgy being in the universe and made entirely out of Figs. These Figs are Alpha Figs and use their chameleon DNA to disguise themselves to look like human flesh. Alone, they are independent Figs, armed with the standard Alpha Fig powers of parasitic control, but together they form Figgulonx, the current King of Figs and the slayer of the last King, Count Figgula. Figgulonx is made entirely out of these Figs and is immune to the normal firepower (but can be de-pitted with the lolacost cannon) that would kill any other Fig. When injured, the Alpha Figs will either repair him or, if the damage is too extreme, call other Alpha Figs to replace those lost. Figgulonx has total power over local and long distance Figs and their host bodies, commanding them to do his will and take control of the Earth until it becomes a Figgy paradise. The Figs obey their Figgy Lord and do what he asks without hesitation, further boosting his ego and his power.

The Fruity War

Figgulonx is currently in a war with the Citrus Nation, the likes of whom consist of the Lord of Lemons, the Czar of Limes and the Prince of Oranges. To combat this ever-growing threat, Figgulonx has enlisted the aid of the space-faring Admiral of Avocados, the mighty Duke of Plums, the headstrong Guy of Grapes, and is currently working on signing the peace treaty with the Man of Melons. Although Figgulonx does enjoy a good battle here and there, he is disappointed that the Citrus Nations and his own could not have worked something out, as they are formidable armies to deal with and would be strong allies to fight with.