Military Tank

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“Sometimes a Barrel is just a barrel, And sometimes its a Phallus.”

~ Sigmund Freud on Tank's Barrels

The military tank is a semi-amphibious, all terrain combat weapon employed by various military forces around the globe to destroy anyone who dares to defy them. It is widely considered the most devastating weapon on the planet. Most civilized countries have tanks in their respective military's, but the United States of America has several more than anyone else. The United States frequently builds tanks for other countries as well. The U.S. has reassured concerned citizens that it only sells "the shitty ones" to other countries.

Modern military tank

Invention of the Tank[edit]

The invention of the tank is shrouded in mystery. Many believe Leonardo Davinci designed the first tank, while others believe that those people are liars and assholes.

The first documentation of a tank being used in battle dates back to the 5th century A.D. An ancient Ethiopian artist's rendering of the battle of "click-click-whistle-click" (which is Ethiopian for something) clearly depicts Michael Clarke Duncan using his erect penis to destroy enemy forces in battle. Experts agree that Michael Clarke Duncan could be classified as a tank.

Through the years, the tank has evolved into the modern version we envision today. Through technological advances, engineering breakthroughs, and notorious cases of penis envy, the tank has become the ultimate game changer on the field of battle.

Russian tanks[edit]

All these tanks were crap, powered by a Klashkinov 3 mule-power spring system. Occupants were unprotected because the tank had a wind-up mechanism, a giant crank on the outside of the tank. The armament was a water-balloon catapult.

Mark IV&V[edit]

A typical deployment of the Mark IV.

The Mark IV, was developed by British engineers for use in World War I, resembled a huge metal box with two tracks on either sides. The Mark IV usually made it out of the factory before breaking down. An average of 2 out of 100 functioned for long enough to successfully crash into the first trench it encountered.


The Panzer tank was Germany's answer to the Mark V. The Panzer sported superior armor packages and a rubber band propulsion system. While the armor packages in the Panzer kept the German soldiers relatively safe, several soldiers died when they were forced to exit the vehicle and wind the large key at the rear of the vehicle to keep it running.

The Panzer displayed superior firepower on the battlefield, thanks to the Daisy Red Rider Edition Carbine BB Guns duct-taped to the front. Just one shot from the barrel of a Daisy BB gun could break the skin of an enemy soldier if pumped more than twenty five times. The only downside to this new weapon of destruction was the tape used to hold the gun systems in place would lose its stickiness when wet, causing the guns to fall off. The Allied forces soon discovered this weakness and exploited it with the invention of what we now know as the Super Soaker 3000.

The Panzer remained deadly in combat thanks to the sheer numbers that were produced. Adolph Hitler assuaged his case of penis envy by endowing his army with more tanks than any other Army on the planet. By the middle of World War II, Hitler's war factories had cranked out over 20,000 Panzer tanks in several makes and models.


Not to be outdone by Hitler, the Americans entered the tank race in World War II with the Sherman tank. The Sherman Tank was not quite on par with the German Panzer. To make up for this, the United States cranked out a whopping 50,000 during the course of the war. In a one on one fight, the Sherman was no match for the German Panzer so the first tank patrol units were developed by the U.S.

Sherman tanks went on patrols in packs of four or five looking to isolate solitary Panzer tanks and overwhelm them by the use of sheer numbers.

Individual Shermans were actually equal with German medium Panties, but Tigars are more cool so you won't find anyone who cares.

Modern upgrades[edit]

M1A1 Abrams, weapon of choice for the destruction of hippies.

Since the inception of the tank, many advances have been made to produce a safer, more efficient, piece of military equipment. At the forefront of technological advancement is the United States M1-A2 Abrams. Several advances over the Sherman have made this tank the pinnacle of military might the world over.

The Abrams is powered by two 600 horsepower jet engines. They produce enough power to propel the 70 ton Abrams tank up to speeds of 60 miles per hour or even a hundred miles per hour. The Abrams also sports a 120mm cannon as its main weapon. Other upgrades include lock on auto targeting, blow out armor panels, and an anti-missile laser defense system.

The interior of the Abrams is what really makes it unique. After complaints from troops who piloted the original Sherman tank, the Abrams received several upgrades to make the troops more comfortable.

U.S. Army Lt. Col. John J. Peterman explains the changes by stating that "... The comfort of today's soldier is of the utmost importance to the United States Military. A comfortable soldier is a deadly soldier.... that made more sense when I said it in my head. Anyways, we had a bunch of tax money to spend."

As well as the Abrams, there are Challenger 2s. These high-tec tea making facilities come with in-built defence systems and thick armour protection so the poor Brits on the inside never have to worry about tea going cold due to enemy distractions. Also, they cost a lot.

Polish Tanks[edit]

Typical modern day Polish tanks (Circa 2011 A.D.).

Polish military tanks were at the height of their superiority over the other tanks of the day in engineering and use-ability based on the following characteristics.

  • Armored twin engines
  • Powered by biodegradable fuel
  • Only requires a two man crew
  • Fires Armor-piercing rounds
  • 4-wheel-Drive
  • 2 horse-power

Tanks in pop culture[edit]

  • The website uses a tank as its logo
  • The interpretive dance troop No Limit Records uses a tank as its logo

Private citizens with tanks[edit]

While tanks are intended strictly for military use, it has become somewhat of a status symbol for a private citizen to own their own tank. Below is a list of private citizens known to own a tank.

  • Arnold Schwarzenegger
  • Chingy
Larry the Cable Guy's custom tank which he dubbed the "Hillbilly Death Dealer"

In addition, several record labels have been known to give a tank to any rapper that signs a recording contract, along with a set of gold teeth and some kind of jewel encrusted cap.

See also[edit]