Unaustralia
| Unaustralia | |
|---|---|
 | |
 Unaustralia's unofficial place of residence where unscrupulous unthings unhappen. | |
| Motto: "That's SO Unaustralian!" | |
| State | New Zealand |
| Official nickname | Tasmania |
| Official language(s) | British English, American English |
“That's Unaustralian!”
Unaustralia is the only nation in the entire world that holds the mantle of existing without the actual ownership of any land. Unaustralia's borders align exactly with those of Australia. Being an Unaustralian is very easy and the standards for citizenship are very low.
Political Significance[edit]
Unaustralians are seen as not credible by real Australians and, therefore, their opinions hold very little standing. As a consequence of this, a favourite pastime of politicians and music stars is to accuse the people they don't like as being Unaustralian.
A simple demonstration can be conducted to reliably reproduce results supporting this claim by shouting the phrase "That's SO Unaustralian!" at a randomly selected individual in an Australian public location. The reaction observed is that of people evacuating the immediate vicinity and therefore evading the aforementioned test subject.
Why Unaustralians are so Disliked[edit]
Unaustralians:
- Don't drink VB (or similar variety in your state or territory)
- Have not climbed Ayre's Rock (sorry, that's what it was called before it was called Uluru!)
- Don't like sport
- Don't drive big beefy cars with V8 engines
- Collect antique clocks
- Don't know Bradman's batting average
- Prefer ideas over watching sport
- Sit around in cafes in cities engaging in endless chatter about unAustralian topics (ie. not sport)
- Have an unhealthy sympathy for refugees and other 'foreigners'
- Don't like Neighbours
- Don't eat meat on a daily basis
- Don't revere the concepts of mateship and the 'fair go' as sacred, self-evident and eternal truths
- Don't worship the ANZACs as the founders of our national identity
- Don't enjoy weekends and bbqs
- Don't understand that "to violence against women, Australia Says No".
- Don't understand that "to violent women, Australia Says... well maybe, but only if you're into that sort of thing. Make sure you ask first..."
- Buy products not made in Australia, such as cheap Chinese surfboards and electrical appliances (yes, looks like we are all unAustralian)
- Don't rejoice at the sound of a Mr. Whippy Van
- Don't reproduce via sexual intercourse
- Eat 'Vegemite and Vinegar' flavoured ice-cream.
Standards for Citizenship[edit]
In order to become an Unaustralian must conform to the following profile:
1. An Unaustralian must be either an Australian citizen, permanent resident or he/she must have lived in Australia for a reasonable period of time
2. That person must be disliked by another person fitting the above description
3. The potential Unaustralian citizen must then be accused of being affiliated with Unaustralia
4a. The person doing the accusing must not be an Unaustralian at the time of the accusation although ex-Unaustralian citizens may make accusations freely
OR
4b. The person doing the accusing may be an Unaustralian but may only accuse his/her accuser. This makes both of them Unaustralian
5. It helps if you have some connection with New Zealand.
Extra points if you live in Sydney, or Adelaide.
If any person fits this description then they are officially Unaustralian and may be freely ignored by the rest of the Australian public.
Form of Government[edit]
Telstra Unaustralia does not have a government of its own, it is a protectorate of Australia. It works as a sort of leper colony for Australians that Australia would rather not have to deal with. In this way, Unaustralia serves a very important function for Australia.
Recent Developments[edit]
Most Unaustralian citizens are former Australian citizens, such as Muslim migrants who refuse to adopt Australian values and don't condemn terrorism, but the Australian government is currently considering legislation which allows migrants who fail the 'Australian Values' test to circumvent the system, and directly become Unaustralian citizens without first having to become Australian citizens.
Those Pillars of Journalistic integrity, Today Tonight and A Current Affair have recently taken to branding anything which offends their middle class baby boomer target Audience unaustralian. Thus it is clear that the more one calls things Unaustralian the more Australian you are.
Some prolific personalities to recently qualify for Unaustralian citizenship include the outspoken Germaine Greer, and the guy who tried to scalp tickets to Steve Irwin's memorial on eBay.
See also[edit]
External links[edit]
