Peter Garrett
“How degrading it is, that I be made to live as a Muggle in Australia.”
Peter Garrett, known to the general public as Peter, and sometimes as Lord Voldemort, is the Australian Minister for Environmentalism, selling out, dancing like a dork and short, jocular converstaions, appointed in 2007. He is also a Member of Parliament representing Sydney. Garrett made headline news in May 2005 when he actually visited his electorate. "It's amazing!" he gasped, at the time, "I had no idea there was a 7-11 here!"
Garrett was born in The Sixties and immediately blamed the United States. While attending university, Garrett formed a pub rock band called "We Hate Everything", but people hated them. Their image was permanently ruined when Garrett accidentally mentioned he liked soup, which led to the band's demise. Literally - they were tied to stakes in the centre of Sydney and set on fire. At this point, Garrett spontaneously came up with a new name for the band, at the same time that his bandmates spontaneously combusted. "Hey, guys," he declared, "because we're being burned, why don't we call ourselves Midnight Oil!" By the time he'd finished speaking, however, his bandmates were dead. Garrett survived due to the lucky co-incidence of having fireproofed himself in the 1960s.
Music career[edit]
Midnight Oil, or "The Oilies", as they were called, were formed in The Eighties and immediately became known as left-wingers and right whingers. Midnight Oil became famous for their songs of protest; however, Garrett himself has admitted this occasionally went too far, such as the 1989 single "Why the Fuck Can't I Get My Toaster Fixed?". Mostly, their songs were of a political nature, such as "America Sucks" and "France Sucks", and the less well-received "You Suck".
In the early eighties, Garrett and his band went on tour with Aboriginal group "The Aboriginal Band"; upon their return, Garrett ran for the Australian Senate on the ticket of the Whinging Leftie Party. He was defeated when asked to judge a dance competition and replied that none of the dancers "were unco enough."
Political career[edit]
Throughout the 1990s, Garrett was President of the "Keep Australia Unco" campaign. In 2002, Midnight Oil broke up, mostly because all of rest of them could dance and they felt this spoiled their image. In 2004, Garrett was preselected by the Australian Labor Party, despite never having voted and thinking that inner Sydney was "a kind of fish". Garrett was elected to Parliament, where he can often be seen to this day dancing like a doofus in the main corridors.
Garrett, known for his activism, has had to tone down his public views since accepting political office. The table below gives some idea as to the extent to which Garrett has had to alter his public stances on important issues:
| Issue | Pre-election stance | Current stance |
|---|---|---|
| Nuclear Power | Against under all circumstances | its not that bad. |
| Uranium Mining | Completely and irrevocably against | In favour |
| Aboriginal Reconciliation | Totally in favour for ever | Against |
| The United States | A Bunch of Bastards | Wonderful People |
| The Environment | Very Important | Not That Important, Really... |
| Short and Jocular Conversations | "We are gunna scrap all our policies anyway" | None Remaining. |
| Selling Out | Never! | Always. |
| Himself | Happy and Confident | Self-loathing and bitter |
| National Academy of Music | They rock! | Closing it down because they don't play Midnight Oil songs |
Garrett was considered by many to be Kevin Rudd's natural successor as ALP leader; this was not taken too seriously, however, as most Labor politicians think this about themselves. Garrett played a key role in Kevin Rudd's front bench, notably helping to destablilise Rudd's leadership and the implementation of the Home Insulation Program. Such was the success of the Home Insulation Program, that the song "Batts are Burning" from the Midnight Oil album "Diesel and Dusty Ceilings" re-entered the Australian Top 10 for three weeks, early in 2010.
