Jabba the Hutt
“Ahhhhyay. Assoalyal-ee-kool-prah-toh kahn kee boong, loopung chona lee pah. Oonee tahng tunty figh, tah keel, kee mal g’hal. (Translation: This Bounty Hunter is my kind of scum, fearless and inventive. Jabba offers the sum of thirty-five.)”
Jabba Al-bin Azimuth Bin-Kymera Rouge (Arabic: جابا ابن بيتزا الهوت) (December 17, 1948-April 30, 1991), better known by his stage name Jabba the Hutt, was born in a small town in Libya, a country in North Africa. Suffering from an extremely rare form of cancer, he was born with a tumor larger than his entire body, giving him the appearance of a large dictator.
Childhood[edit]
Jabba, known as J to his friends was born to the 7th son of the crown Prince of a renegade faction of the Libyan Royal Family. The sultanate slugs looks caused his parents much grief and they decided he would fit in well in Hollywood. Jabba had sixteen brothers and sisters, who all went on to become politicians, doctors, and lawyers, before he had them all whacked and served as Escargo.
When his father left to war, Jabba's mother, Jabbina, could no longer support the constantly famished child, and two years later she loaded Jabba, already 242lbs, into her ford pickup truck and dropped him off at a bus station with approximately $400 and a pack of tic-tacs. She loved her child however and told him "make your name in Hollywood, ma cherie (her knowledge of French was little and largely innaccurate, and this farewell was later to be the cause of Jabba's gender issues)."
Career[edit]
By 1973 Jabba realized he would never make it in the musicals. With his dreams shattered and his student visa expired, he was now doing dinner theater in Paris. Than one evening he had a chance encounter with Orson Wells, Jabba giving him the Heimlich maneuver as he choked on a six pack of wine bottles and a tub of moules marinières. Wells soon met his former therapist from fat camp, Alejandro Jodorowsky who thought he would be perfect for the role Baron Harkonin; and that with his greater athleticism Jabba would make a great stand in for the action scenes. Although Dune fell threw, Jabba had gotten his slimy inhuman tail into Hollywood, where at last he belonged. During the filming of the Island of Doctor Moreau he worked as Marlon Brandos stunt double, where he met fellow furry Chewbaca and Jim Henson, the puppeteer for Brando's jaw. They introduced him to George Lucozade maker of Star Wars; a series of film based on his personal experiences as a bomber pilot in the second world war, smuggling LSD in the pages of French comic books and National Geographic's, to be exchanged on the streets of Japan for film making tips.
It was at this time that Jabba's French accent nearly ruined him, for he was unable to read the script and could barely speak without spraying the camera in spit. Fortunately, Lucozade had the brilliant idea to call his guttural nonsense "Huttese" and add in subtitles of what the script originally read. Commonly viewers do not understand why Jabba understands English but does not speak it, an unanswered script flaw which was recognized but never fixed due to the time constraints. Many people wrote letters of protest to this new language, but all they got back was a letter that read:
It has been revealed however that a bitchy witch by the name of Tachel Rang was so obsessed by him that she ate a lot and became his female doppelgänger. In an instance, Han solo came to the doppelgänger and she hated him with a passion that she turned Han into a plane. Han left and was spotted by singer Jason TheRuler and the curse from the doppelgänger has inspired Jason to make his famous so g 'Riding Solo'.
Up till date many under the influence of the mistakenly chosen prophet Beather Hain believes that Han solo is a plane because of Jabba,
"He worked as a hoe till he quit"
" ITS A TRAIN I LIKE TRAINS BYE!!!!!!"
love, George Lucozade."
Jabba became a successful spice and slave trafficker, employing a vast network of smugglers and pimping scantily clad Twilek hos he got addicted to product, however his arms were so far and short he couldn't pimp slap the green and yellow tentacle haired bitches himself, so he had to surround himself with his goons and have them do it for him. He also had to undergo some extensive throat treatment after being beaten up by Carrie Fisher who found him revolting, although this tension certainly helped make the film a great success especially among bondage aficionados.
Jabba in Werewolf porn[edit]
Jabbawolf is an insufferable bastard who worships Miley Cyrus. He also looks like a werewolf. He treats people like garbage and drives them to the point of hate. He is fugly but can be spotted in full on Hannah Montana drag at any Miley Cyrus concert, he probably wants to turn her into a werewolf and taking her prisoner like he did Princess Leia. Jabbawolf also suffers from a delusion that he looks like Brad Pitt when he looks more like the guy from the movie Mask.
The Downfall of the Hutt[edit]
After his booming success, Jabba immediately became a pop icon (among such overquoted greats such as Oscar Wilde and Chuck Norris) in America. He could even afford to buy a personal semi-truck to cart himself around the country to finally travel, as was his dream earlier in his life. However, upon returning to Hollywood, Jabba was told that he had no part in the "final" Star Wars movie, Return of the Jedi. This sent Jabba into a fit of fury, which nearly killed him. He was carbon frozen until 1986, at which time science had the technology to split Jabba's tumor and reach his underlying human form to fix the otherwise fatal damage. It is generally accepted that had this been tried twenty years earlier, a nuclear-class implosion would have occurred.
However, much had changed in the time Jabba was frozen. All of his assets had been drained to keep him alive, and the surgery which saved his life also ruined him, putting him several quadrillion dollars in debt. Jabba at this time weighed well over a thousand pounds and it was far too late to remove his tumor and save him. He attempted suicide several times, but lacked the coordination to shoot himself, stab himself or hang himself, and nearly met success when he attempted to drown himself, but when he fell into the river it overflowed and flooded the streets, but could not flow past him to and into his lungs. This was the low point in Jabba's life, and it took four rescue teams and several hours to remove Jabba from the river and stop the flooding.
In 1988 opportunity called Jabba when Lucozade located him and begged him to help in making Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (originally called "Star Wars: Ruining a Legacy" but became involved in a lawsuit with the President at the time, George W. Bush Jr. who had copyrighted the name "Ruining a Legacy" for Bill Clinton's requested biography "Ruining A Legacy: My Time as American President"). Jabba demanded a larger role, and he spent several minutes on screen, as well as redoing the scene from the first Star Wars film in place of Henson's puppet. This scene was placed into the digitally remastered version of the original trilogy.
However, Jabba could not raise the kind of money he owed, eventually losing hope in his life and turning to Jesus Christ as his savior. Ironically, three days after turning to God Jabba was killed by a large crucifix which fell from the top of a church as he tried to become unstuck from the doorway, nearly shaking the church to the ground. He died at 45 years old and was at best estimates nearly 3,000 pounds. Many went to his funeral on May 19, 1994, although his only relative who acknowledged his passing or existence was Sally Struthers, who is often believed to suffer from the same cancerous tumor in a slightly less severe form.
Filmography[edit]
- John Prescott: The Life Story
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