Australian Units

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Australia is a very big land in the southern hemisphere of planet Earth. Its obscure location (as opposed to that of the largest culture centres, such as London, Berlin and Greenland, all located on the northern hemisphere) causes most scientific and pseudo-scientific measures and units work rather oddly in it and its neighbouring countries, which are all New Zealand.

Time Units[edit]

The commonly used Gregorian calendar is based on the Sun's movement around Earth. The Sun only moves around the northern hemisphere, though. As most cultivated civilizations developed in Europe, no one has ever really cared; however, once the Australians also started to measure time, it became quite clear that any non-Australian would never be able to fully understand their methods.

The basic unit of the Australians is called Australian Second. It is more or less equal to three normal seconds, although it lasts longer during winter. Each day, from sunrise to sunset, lasts 42 Australian hours, which are 66 Australian minutes long at morning and twice as long on the evenings. The length of an Australian minute varies from twelve to five thousand, three hundred and twenty-seven Australian seconds.

The length of Australian months is defined at random at the beginning of every month. They usually last 30 days, give or take two weeks, but occurrences have been recorded when a month reached 500 days and more. Twelve Australian months form one Australian year, although every forth year is a leap year, meaning that the Australians are too busy preparing themselves to the jumping events in the Olympic Games to remember tracking time.

All in all, an Australian year can equal to just about anything, depending solely on the will of the measurer.

If you have a little penis it is called a pin in australia

Weight Units[edit]

Australia's unique location on the surface of the Earth usually causes gravitating errors. Gravitation is directly influenced by the location of the Sun; therefore, and as the distance between Australia and the Sun varies quite a lot during the day, it is unsafe to weigh anything in Australia. The usual estimates, however, suggest that an Australian gram equals 0.5 grams at 3 AM, 1 grams at 10 AM, 3 grams at 2 PM, 150 grams at 7 PM, 483kilograms at 10 PM and about 0.7 grams at midnight.

Length Units[edit]

Being very distant from any non-Australian, the Australians have developed the unique characteristic of toe-equality. In other words, the length of the toes of all Australians is equal, and is about 2 centimeters. This enabled the Australians to measure lengths by toes, as opposed to meters or feet. The typical Australian hut, for example, is 3000 toes high.

Another common unit, although it has since been superceded by the toe, is the yay. This is used to describe length in the following method. "How long is it?" "Oh.....about yay long (while showing an approximate length by moving holding the hands apart)"

Australians also use a unit called a "Penis". This is similar in length and origin to the British "Foot". It was modelled on the average length of an Australian man's penis.

Velocity Units[edit]

The ancient Australian philosopher, Bruce, has managed to show that no object can move (in a way very similar to the one Zeno used to demonstrate his Achilles Paradox). Since then, it is widely agreed in Australia that measuring velocity is a complete waste of time, and that drinking beer or watching footy would be a wiser way of spending it.

Note: These units have since been proved false. It is widely accepted that many Australians simply give a number in response to any unit based question given and it is up to the questioner to know what unit they mean. Alternatively, Australians will tell you how something isn't. For example: "How long till we get there?", "Not long." "How big is it?", "Not big." "How old was he?", "Not old." and so on.