Babel:En

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Today's featured article – Switzerland

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Switzerland is a mountainous region created in the early 13th century in order to contain gold and produce chocolate bars. From this point on, the insatiable Swiss desire for idyll building (idyllification) led to the creation of a nation remarkable for its efficient transport networks, orderly villages and synchronised repetitive yodelling.

At the beginning of time, Switzerland was a small moon orbiting the Earth, populated entirely by cows, sheep, and shepherd dogs; it is now thought to be where those creatures came from in the first place and it was known as tobleronistan.

Location of Switzerland, according to CNN. Due to continental drift, the country now lies south of Germany.

After being sent down to Earth, having fallen behind on sky-high rent, Switzerland came to be located south of Germany, bordering France, Italy, Australia and Liechtenstein. Switzerland annexed Czechia in 1990 because the country got too cramped and stuff is cheaper in eastern Europe, although today most Swiss are known to have trillions of dollars in the bank. (more...)

Previously featured article – St. Pierre and Miquelon

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St. Pierre and Michelob (technically, the Territorial Collectivity of Saint Pierre et Michelob; French: Collectivité territoriale de Saint-Pierre-et-Michelob), is an archipelago of small islands off the coast of eastern Canada, the main islands being St. Pierre and Michelob, south of the Canadian province of Newfoundland and Labatt. The islands come within 10 km of Newfoundland. (more...)

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January 12: Political Correctness Throughout History Day

  • 6780 BCE - Fred Flintstone appears on the Jerry Springer special I Married My Pet.
  • 1 CE - Original Jesus is circumcised. Hilarity ensues and Godwin's Law is quickly invoked.
  • 256 - Buttons are invented for use as Teddy bear eyes but are soon being passed as fake coins. They would not be used for clothing until Butterick makes its first mass-market pattern in 1441 that only uses one button in its "Sleazy Skank" outfit.
  • 901 - The Hungarians politely allow Vikings to attack the Carolingian Empire first as the Vikings had called dibs.
  • 1492 - Columbus begins the first full employment scheme for Americans.
  • 1853 - Archibald Schtumpf is killed during an autoerotic experience with the newly invented hydraulic knitting machine.
  • 1863 - Abraham Lincoln frees the blacks for the first time, denies political motivation and insists "some guy" will prove his point "in a couple years".
  • 1912 - Clarence Birdseye invents the process for frozen food but will be found frozen to death, standing in front of an open freezer door while he was deciding what to have for dinner.
  • 1944 - German-Jewish health and beauty products Finale Solution Shower Cream and Calamity by Calvin Klein are withdrawn due to falling sales.
  • 1991 - George Bush Sr. reintroduces slavery after mishearing a joke told a a White House dinner.
  • 1994 - Clinton comes to the aid of America and kills slavery yet again, right after having a quick visit through the typing pool.
  • 2001 - The Segway is released and immediately banned in most cities and towns as riders create tons of methane while riding and eating bean burritos.
  • 2010 - Devastating earthquake in Haiti kills 310,000 people. Yeah, that happened, remember?

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Paddington Blair's word for today is
procrastination
Try to use it in your conversations. Knowledge is power.

Auntie Beeb reports:

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Did you chaps know...

  • ... the US Postal Service delivered over 7.7 billion pieces of mail last year?
    • ... and that unfortunately those started out as 5.2 billion packages and letters?

Do you blimey care...[edit]

  • ... that Plato said "Necessity is the mother of invention" but forgot to mention the parts about monkey fur and lemons?


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United Empire Loyalist of the Month

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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.

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Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!

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It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!

HEIL FROSTY!

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