Babel:En

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Today's featured article – Aragorn

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Aragorn (also known as Ellustrious Elfstone Toll-Counter or Strider or the Lone Ranger of the Bree) is a 'hero' in The Lord of the Rings. He is a distinctly second-banana hero, as centre stage is taken by Frodo Baggins and his equally hairy-footed friends. Aragorn is a sullen and reticent friend of Gandalf.

Aragorn's role is to take on Sauron man-to-evil-eye, but he never gets a chance to get up close and personal to that hereditary enemy, his suicidal quest marred by a sudden torrent of Deus ex machina. Aragorn doesn't even get to kill Sauron's chief henchwraith, the Witch-king, that honour falling to a Hobbit and a warriorette. Despite not being the victor, he ends up with all the spoils: king of Arnor and Gondor and protector of all other folk unless they want to be slaughtered. Aragorn also gets his elven princess as a wife, about 50 years after first proposing to her. Oh yes. Didn't you know? Aragorn is an eighty-something when he fights in the War of the Ring. Indeed, everyone in this story is ancient enough to both draw a pension and confound the actuaries.

Lord of the Rings author J. R. R. Tolkien came up with Aragorn whilst he doodled away at Oxford University marking exam papers and giving lectures about the Anglo-Saxons. Aragorn is like a combination of King Arthur and Beowulf, but rather less interesting. (more...)

Previously featured article – International Alphabet Magnet Day

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International Alphabet Magnet Day is a national holiday dedicated to the promotion of alphabet magnets, which are usually found on the metal doors of refrigerators. (more...)

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Lest we forget

Evil villains are instantly recognisable by their top hats and outrageous moustaches.

October 24: Evil Villain Appreciation Day, National Put the Ramones On at Full Volume and Piss Off the Neighbors Day

  • 1683 BCE - An evil villain ties an Egyptian princess to the Nile River to have her killed by the Aswan ferry boat.
  • 452 BCE - Hippocrates invents the painkiller aspirin by banging his head against a willow tree.
  • 1644 - Unseasonable temperatures cause handlebar moustaches to rise out of the oceans and attach themselves to the upper lips of the unwary.
  • 1867 - After mass revolt by the Australian and New Zealand governments, Oilcan Harry becomes guardian of UCT.
  • 1889 - First recorded use of pure-hearted maiden strapped to railroad tracks to attract a ransom; the deed, while dastardly, merely attracts Royal Canadian Mounted Police who save the girl and thwart the plan.
  • 1931 - Polish schoolboy Joseph Ratzinger is arrested for arson, rape and general troublemaking. The Pope declares this day an International Catholic holiday.
  • 1941 - Hitler writes the lyrics of Blitzkrieg Bop. It later becomes a hit song by The Ramones.
  • 1943 - Morocco becomes the capital of evil villains; they are simply fed up to "here" with Hitler's needy personality.
  • 1969 - Your second grade teacher, mean old Miss Masters™, takes away your favorite doll and holds it ransom. The beeyotch demands that you earn an "A" on your spelling test or "Dolly gets it".
  • 1971 - Evel Knievel ateempts a new world record by jumping his motorcycle over 227 women tied to railroad tracks.
  • 1977 - Habitat for Humanity contemplates rebuilding the Big Bad Wolf's house for charity. Instead it decides on euthanasia as a more cost-sensitive option.
  • 2006 - Evangelist Billy Graham holds a Ramones concert; all of Canada kept awake until 3AM.
  • 2008 - Stockbroker Oilcan Harry IV twirls his mustache and laughs gleefully as the stock market crashes the day after he cashes out.
  • 2017 - Oilcan Harry IV becomes US Secretary of the Treasury and promises to tie women to railroad tracks for ransom in order to balance the budget.

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Paddington Blair's word for today is
procrastination
Try to use it in your conversations. Knowledge is power.

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United Empire Loyalist of the Month

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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.

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Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!

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It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!

HEIL FROSTY!


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