UnScripts:Trojan War
The Trojan War was an epic battle that took place an hour ago. There has been no other war like it since. Most of the Trojan War remained in great mystery, until well-dressed scientists had the opportunity to research and document the significant events that occurred. No modifications have been made to the original story. This is the real deal. I'm not kidding.
(NOTE- For an unknown reason, the scientists were all watching the hit movie "Airplane!" during the documentation stage... sooooo, there may have been some slight modifications made to make the Trojan War funnier, and maybe just to fill in some of the boring gaps. The "official" story is as follows:)
An Amusing Twist[edit]
One night, Odysseus trekked to the Trojan city to have a talk with another city named Paris. After much money exchanged hands, Paris finally agreed to start a war by stealing a woman named Helen from her husband's house. Unfortunately, the war almost never started due to the fact that Helen was the ugliest woman on Earth.
Helen's husband, Menelaus (great grandson of the Great Leonidas), was incredibly happy when he found out his wife was stolen. However, as he was flipping through her personal items to throw all the useless stuff away, Menelaus discovered that she had a receipt from Costco. '30 Inch Toshiba LCD Screen HD TV' the receipt said, and at the bottom, a note stating that it would be directly delivered to the Trojan City.
'This can't be,' yelped Menelaus, 'That money came out of MY Wells Fargo account!! THIS IS MADNESS!!! SPARTAAAAAAAAAANS, TONIGHT WE DINE ON TROJAN FLESH!!! Wait, we are not cannibals. TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!!!'
And so, he went to get his spear, a very sharp sword, a bottle of Ajax, ability to slow down time (even though he really didn't really need it), speedoes, Spartan Laser, and red cape. Then he went to war.
First Contact[edit]
Initially, Menelaus hired the daring and able Geeks to go to war against the Trojans. As soon as the Geeks had crossed the sea, they jumped out of the boats and tried swimming for shore... but, seeing as how they can't swim, they promptly drowned.
'Idiots!!' yelled Menelaus, throwing his toupee at the ground.
Deciding that the Greeks would do much better at the job, Menelaus hired Odysseus (a leader among Greeks), to go and fight the Trojans for him- which of course was just what Odysseus wanted. The following conversation took place:
Menelaus: So I'm gonna pay you 1 million dollars to go to war.
Odysseus: Haha! Sucker! I would have gone to war for free!
Menelaus: Okay, go to war for free.
Odysseus: What? No! I mean, well, I guess that's okay... I was actually thinking of paying you to let me go to war anyway!
Menelaus: Okay, pay me to go to war.
Odysseus: Hey! Shit! (takes out a primitive notebook) Do you take checks?
Menelaus: No. Cash only.
Odysseus: Damn!!
As is evident, Odysseus was one of the Greeks' smartest and most cunning leaders, eventually opening his own line of taco shops somewhere in Zografou. Zografou, though being the secret base of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, is also the little known home town of Al Gore.
The War Begins[edit]
It was after that historic rip-off, that Odysseus, Achilles, Patroclus, and their trusty bottle of Ajax went to war against the Trojans. They were helped along by a few hundred thousand other Greeks, but not by much-- kinda like the red shirts on Star Trek. As soon as the Trojan warriors saw the advancing Greeks, they consulted some Trojan guy named Priam, who recommended they go to war against the Greeks. Too bad for them-- Priam was high at the time.
As soon as the Trojans were spotted by noble - and nearly immortal - Achilles, he immediately took action. Valiantly taking his sword and shield, he hid behind the first mountain he came to. Odysseus saw this action, and called Achilles a coward. Achilles agreed.
A Gift From The Gods[edit]
After a brief period of battling against the Trojans, and losing horribly, Odysseus was ready to give up hope. Fortunately for them, a team of monkey cheerleaders appeared from the gods, for moral support.
The monkeys quickly took up their practiced positions in the local palm trees, while Odysseus walked unarmed to the Trojan city gates, and challenged Priam to a single duel. Priam refused.
"Chicken!!" yelled Odysseus, strutting around and clucking, in a very chicken-like manner. This made Priam mad. He ran down into the battlefield, where, encouraged by the shrieks of the monkeys, Odysseus promptly kicked Priam's ass. Achilles congratulated Odysseus and shook his hand warmly.
Up in the trees, the monkeys shook hands too. I mean, paws.
Menelaus vs Paris[edit]
After Menelaus landed on Troy, his SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN pride exploded with Superpiss-offness when he saw Paris and attack him for no apparent reason. Paris, a pussy he is, is afraid to battle the overly huge SPARTAAAAAAAAN at his might. So, his brother Hector just stood there like a dumbass, fell asleep. Menelaus was about to kill Paris with his bottle of Ajax (Odysseus gave Menelaus a bottle) when Hector blocks his attack (although, he inhaled a little of the Ajax Menelaus used). Hector nearly kills Menelaus if Menelaus haven't forgotten how to slow time. Then for some reason, Paris and Hector disappears. Menelaus then decided to join his SPARTAAAAAAAAAN army busy dining in hell. Then Menelaus calls Kratos on his cell phone to ask if he wants to join the war. Kratos' obvious answer is that he wants to kill Zeus.
(Interlude)[edit]
As many of you may know, there was a Trojan oracle named Cassandra. She was much like the oracle from The Matrix. In fact, it is believed that the events of The Matrix coincide directly with the Trojan War. People think there was a bit of competition between those two oracles as to who would get to predict the future right, which resulted in an all-out fight. As it ended up, Cassandra got her face bitch-slapped by The Matrix oracle, then ran off crying.
The Matrix Oracle then found some random dude named "Neo", and told him that she figured out his name could be rearranged to spell "eNo."
Matrix Oracle: I figured out your name can be rearranged to spell "eNo."
Neo: Um.
Matrix Oracle: No, seriously! Look, you take the "N" and you put it in the middle.
Neo: I think I have a dental appointment... see ya.
Matrix Oracle: No, wait! You are the One!! The only man who can save us!
Morpheus: Hey, what about me?!
Matrix Oracle: Uh... you're the Two.
Morpheus: You call yourself an Oracle? I want my five dollars back.
Alright, Who Wrote This?[edit]
After deciding that it would be righteously awesome to be against the Greeks, on the Trojan side, Einstein decided to summon up his forces, which basically consisted of two moldy pieces of cheese. Using the theory of relativity, Einstein summoned all his aunts and uncles, and a dog. Those Greek monkeys were in for a real licking, which is exactly what Einstein gave them.
Unfortunately, if you lick a monkey, you will get a serious amount of fur on your tongue. Unless you lick a bald monkey. Because they don't have fur.
Einstein: We need to get to hospital, now!
Soldier: What is it?
Einstein: It's a big building with patients and doctors and nurses, but that's not inportant right now.
Soldier: Right away, sir.
Morpheus: Hey, what about me?!
The Final Showdown![edit]
With the monkeys having mysteriously wandered off, Odysseus' army was seriously outnumbered. They needed a plan, and now.
"I know!" said Odysseus, "Let's make a huge wooden horse, just to confuse the Trojan armies!"
The other Greek men agreed that it was for the best.
They quickly gathered all the palm trees, and while watching a do-it-yourself program on the Home Improvement Channel, they quickly threw together the Trojan Horse.
Around this time, a man named Hector was just waking in the Trojan city. When he looked out his window,and saw this lump of wood vaguely in the shape of a horse, he said "I must have zis horse." This act angered Hitler, god of wanting things that aren't yours, and he immediately poked Achilles over and over until Achilles agreed to kill Hector.
Achilles came out from behind the mountain, and grabbed the bottle of Ajax before setting off towards the city. He knocked on the city gate twice, making sure to hide the Ajax behind his back. When the guard finally appeared, Achilles employed the classic rhetoric persuasion methods of Logos, Pathos, and Ethos to convincingly talk his way in.
Achilles: Can I come in?
Guard: No.
Achilles: Can I come in?
Guard: No.
Achilles: Can I come in?
Guard: No.
Achilles: Can I come in?
Guard: No.
Achilles: Can I come in?
Guard: No.
Achilles: Can I come in?
Guard: No.
Achilles: Can I come in?
Guard: No.
Achilles: Can I come in?
Guard: No.
Achilles: Can I come in?
Guard: Fine, just shut up!
Morpheus: Hey, what about me?!
Achilles walked twice around the Trojan city before he found Hector, lounging up on top of the Trojan Horse.
"Surprise!" shouted Achilles, and he sprayed Ajax into Hector's eyes.
Hector gasped and died, with some amazingly good theatrics, considering the studio was only paying him minimum wage. Okay, so, first Hector flopped on the ground in apparent surprise, followed by some rolling around in apparent pain, before looking at Achilles in apparent desperation, as if to say "Why me?"... and then he just died.
Excited by the victory, Achilles grabbed Hector's body and dragged it outside the city, which surprised the previously mentioned guard quite a bit. Achilles then took a picture of himself with the body, sent it back to his parents in Florida, and hid behind his mountain again. Oh, that noble Achilles.
The Actual Final Showdown!![edit]
"Oh, no," said Odysseus, for he had seen what was really the last challenge. Among the rubble of the very confused Trojan City, there was a dark figure looming over the Greek army. The incredible ugliness of this creature far surpassed anything ever seen before, even a typical Geek. It's a plane! It's Tom Cruise! No wait... it's...
"Dr. Phil!!" some Greek guy screamed, and he ran for it, followed closely by approximately the entire Greek army.
The dark figure advanced slowly on the retreating army. "You guys need professional help," it droned, "This is a time in your lives when you are most subject to a crisis of some sort, which only I can cure."
"Damn it!" said Odysseus. "Dr. Phil! The essence of all evil!"
Odysseus ran after his retreating men, shouting at them to come back, but they couldn't hear him due to the fact that they were all covering their ears, trying to drown out the "helpful advice" Dr. Phil was giving. When all of Odysseus' efforts failed, he looked back only to see his trusty friends, Patroclus, Achilles, and the bottle of Ajax.
"Achilles," said Odysseus, surprised, "what are you doing out from behind your mountain?"
"I saw a spider," Achilles muttered.
"Well," Odysseus said, "I guess this is it, guys. This final challenge will determine everything- who lives, who dies, and who gets a self-help."
"Patroclus," said Dr. Phil, "You need professional advice. I can help you there."
"Noooooo!" screamed Patroclus, and, clutching his head, he fell down... dead! Achilles, seeing an opportunity, laid down and pretended to be dead too.
The death of Patroclus made Odysseus and Menelaus angry. "Eat this, you person!!" he yelled, and he threw the entire bottle of Ajax at Dr. Phil, which seemed to move in slow motion as it arched gracefully through the air, cracking open on contact with Dr. Phil's head. Seconds later, as if by the hand of God, the famous psychologist began to sink into the ground.
"I'm melting, I'm melting!" Dr. Phil shrieked, "Oh what a world!"
And with that, he died.
Achilles wasn't so sure. "I don't know about you guys, but that just seemed a bit too easy..."
Meanwhile, Menelaus got his wife again and pwnz her new husband with Ajax (Paris got pwnz by someone else by the Arrow of Hercules. Pfft, dumbass). He ask Helen to stop buying stuff from his Wells Fargo account and she agrees. And so, they ran off together, spraying Ajax and yelling the entire Trojan army to pieces (he tapped this ability after birth.), then they took Odyssus's boat, which pissed him off.
Morpheus: Hey, what about me?
The Final Actual Final Showdown!!![edit]
Haha! Just kidding. There is no Final Actual Final Showdown. Kinda like John Travolta.
Greeks 10 Trojans 9. Greeks go on to play in the world's first Ancient Football World Cup in 777BC.
Achilles: Surely, you can't be serious?!
Odysseus: I am serious... and my name's not Shirley.
The End[edit]
Morpheus: Hey, what about me?!
Everyone (including the Gods): Who gives a fuck about you!?