17th century

This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.

Represented here are the time periods from 1601 to 1700.

Baby clothes reached an extreme in the 17th century.

The 17th century encompasses a period of change but not of clothing, which is generally worn until it falls apart.

The question, "Can't we all just get along" is asked and answered by a resounding "Hell, no." It is Catholic vs. Protestant in the Thirty Years War I in Europe, Manchu vs. Han in China, Ottomans and Safafids vs. non-Muslims elsewhere in Asia, Mayans vs. armadillo-riding penguins in the Americas. Despite all the local wars, groups will still have the energy to continue to search for and conquer lands overseas for even more people to fight.

For those preferring to freelance, being a pirate becomes a popular occupation. While there is no formal talk-like-a-pirate movement, swinging a cutlass and having a parrot perched on your shoulder reaches great popularity. However, piracy's popularity would prove its downfall when every ship on the sea would be a heavily armed pirate ship.

This age of belligerence is partly offset by a flurry of invention in Europe, or re-invention if you are Muslim or Chinese. Logarithms and calculus would be developed in the math world, gravity and electricity are studied and understood by the brainier folks running around. Telescopes and microscopes are invented. Yet, bystanders find it rather boring watching huge armies trying to kill each other with math books and microscopes.

This would become the era of Baroque architecture and design, where the curlicue reigned supreme and overbilling by contractors became common. This all became even more intricate and complicated in its late phase of Rococo.

A burst of musical invention sweeps through Europe as well, created by Johann Sebastian Bach, Antonio Vivaldi, Georg Telemann, Henry Purcell, Domenico Scarlatti and host of others. Their music, also dubbed Baroque, would carry on to modern times providing lazy composers and advertising jingle writers with a ready supply of royalty-free music to steal. Rococo music would prove to be a failure as only musicians with 12 fingers or more could play it.

Sadly, the century would be a period of silly hats, with hatmakers making small fortunes. Nothing would shout "Shoot me" more than a silly military hat.

Chronology[edit]

1601 to 1610[edit]

English companies are in heavy trade competition with the Dutch East Indies Company until they are able to cultivate their homegrown, albeit bland, spices (shown).

1601 – 1,600 years since Jesus's birth! Candles on his cake would cause a brief period of global warming.
1601 - Queen Elizabeth I executes her lover the Earl of Essex for 'coarse behaviour in unsatisfying her majesty'.
1601 – Sir Francis Bacon invents fried pork and names it after himself.
1602 – The Dutch East Indies Company is founded. Their beginning is quite tentative with 10-year-old Jacob van Arnstedt being sent to the corner market for some salt.
1603 – James I becomes king of England and Scotland, continuing a long tradition of English kings whose English cannot be understood by most English people. At first concerned about his numerical demotion from being James VI of Scotland, he accepts the change as the only other choice was to be name Elizabeth II.
1604 – Slavery is invented shortly after the King of England discovers he could make black people do white-people work for free.
1605 – Banjo Land is declared free from Indian rule.
1606 – Russian Czar bot False Dmitri I is rumbled when he accidentally signs a decree with his real name - Boris Johnson.
1608 - A second False Dmitri appears in Russia. He claims he is the real False Dmitri. He marries the widow of False Dmitri I who agrees. The marriage ends when False Dmitri II is shot like a dog.
1609 – Galileo releases his hit single Rubber Bonker. The song goes straight to number one in the charts and is chosen as the year's Eurovision Song Contest entry for Italy. It loses to the poptastic Greensleeves.
1610 - Henry IV of France is shot in his carriage after a road rage incident in Paris gets out of hand.
1610 – God divinely inspires Sidney Trammell; Trammell doesn't notice for another two years.

1611 to 1620[edit]

King James dressed as a mint humbug.

1611 – In Lancashire, England, the martial art of Ecky-Thump begins in response to the need for townsfolk to defend themselves against the witches who live in Pendle Forest. The men of the town attack the witches by striking them with large Lancastrian sausages, which leads to the saying "bigger is better." Lancashire wives learn that the witches welcome their husbands and their large sausages. Therefore King James I of England authorizes an improved weapon now known as the King James Bible. The king would suffer permanently from carpal tunnel syndrome after writing every copy out in his own hand.
1611 - First publication of the King James Bible. It's divinely dictated in fancy English directly to King James whilst he was in the bath.
1611 - A third False Dmitri claims everyone else is a fraud and the Russia doesn't actually exist. He dies.
1612 – Sidney Trammell, in the midst of a bad day, has a revelation that leads to the foundation of the Church of God the Wholly Incompetent.
1613 – Henry Carver, a resident of London, England, supposedly digs up the ancient granite tablets containing the Ten General Commandments of All Humanity from beneath a cricket pitch near his home, and the stone ledgers soon become the cornerstone for the aforementioned new faith. Sound familiar?
1613 – The Russians their era of strife with the enthronement of Czar Michael I Romanov Vodka.
1614 - Death of False Dmitri IV of Russia. The three year old usurper is executed. Russians don't take jokes as prisoners. The toddler tyrant's mother had been married to False Dmitri I.
1615 – Galileo Galilei gets mentioned in Bohemian Rhapsody, making Pope Urban VIII extremely jealous.
1616 - William Shakespeare dies. It is later revealed all his plays were written by Anne Hathaway in between her days off from film work in Hollywood.
1618 – Defenestration, or throwing people out of windows, becomes a popular way of disposing of political enemies in Bohemia. After all windows are bricked up, people resort to tripping other people wearing high-heeled boots or platform shoes. The number of deaths would still get satisfactory results but without the element of aerobic exercise for the throwers.

The Pilgrims strongly advocate religious freedom to persecute whomever they want.

1618 – The Thirty Years' War begins between Protestants and Catholics to see who would get to persecute Jews.
1620 – The Mayweed sails from Haddenham, England for the New World, establishing religious persecution and disease equally for all in America. Their landing would be commemorated by a day of thanks, involving stoning a Quaker and a Baptist to death.
1620 - Battle of the White Mountain. The Protestant army of King Frederick of Bohemia - lustily singing She'll Be Coming 'Round The Mountain - are jumped on by dour Catholic soldiers supporting the Habsburg Archduke Ferdinand. King Fred is forced to do a 'runner'.

1621 to 1630[edit]

1623 – Isaac Newton creates rainbows accidentally, and starts the process which will inevitably kill us all.
1623 – Shakespeare's alleged plays are published in book form for the first time. If you want to know who made your school years unbearable reading or performing this junk blame these two men:John Heminges and Henry Condell for collecting and keeping the stuff. Bastards!
1624 – Sir Francis Chemistry invents chemistry, along with stockings for men, bikini waxing and the electric centipede.
1625 – Charles I succeeds his father James as King of England, Scotland, Ireland and a corner shop selling cheap souvenirs in Llanelli.
1627 – 10,000,000 people die in the Tânmawr in the Welsh city of Llewellyn when an inexperienced plumber tried to fit the world's first gas boiler.
1627 – An edict is passed in Switzerland requiring all lawyers to deliver evidence by yodelling.
1628 – The Four Musketeers travel to England to kill the Duke of Buckingham for his slurs on French masculinity. Before they can stick the rapier in, another enemy of Buckingham kills him first. His man servant Mellors.
1629 – The Church of God the Wholly Incompetent forces Nicolaus Stuart to recant his heretical belief that God fucked up and made Jesus fall in the bathtub.
1630 – The end of the Diponegoro War, that began in 1625. How could there be a war in just five minutes? Those Indonesian people must be crazy.

1631 to 1640[edit]

1632 – Aurochs go extinct again. Will they never learn?
1632 – Swedish King Gustavas Adolphus is killed in an IKEA store in Germany for leaving his trolley unattended.
1633 – After several experiments, Galilieo announces that he's discovered the penis. His book, "Dialogue Concerning the Two Chief Testes" is the first time he runs into trouble with the Church and sets the stage for the later, uh, misunderstanding.

The European prank of cow stretching finally causes the extinction of the auroch in the 17th century.

1634 – The first real battle of the French and Indian War occurs, as neither group could decide on Coke or Pepsi for their initial meeting.
1635 – Cardinal Richelieu persuades King Louis XIII of France to join in the Thirty Years' War as it 'looked like a lot of fun'.
1639 – A community of pineapples reaches the surface through radio waves. They are soon all eaten by vicious fruit bats.
1640 – King Charles is forced to recall parliament as he needs some urgent readies. The first parliament is called the Short Parliament as the Charles prevents anyone taller than him from being elected (Charles is under 5ft tall in his riding boots). When Charles goes on holiday it is replaced by the Long Parliament where everyone is over 6ft.

1641 to 1650[edit]

1641 – The Irish Rebellion begins, ignited by rumours of riots ensuing in Paris, France.

1642 – Charles I, King of England, tells Parliament to "go fucketh itself"; the English Civil War breaks out between the Mods and Rockers.
1642 – Abel Tasman discovers New Zealand, discovers that it had already been discovered by the Maori people, who in turn discover his Dutch crew to be a particular delicacy; he is lucky to leave with most of his left arm.
1642 – Freddie Mercury dances the Fandango at Galileo's funeral.
1643 – Louis XIV becomes King of France aged five. Demands extra Coco Pops for breakfast.
1648 – The Seventy Seven Year War between the Spanish Habsburgs and the Netherlands ends. That's about it, everyone else seems to be waiting for Harvey. The Treaty of Westphalia is chosen over Treaty of Eastphalia.
1648 – Eastphalia changes its name to Phalia, now known as <insert name here>Failure.
1649 – Charles I of England is executed for treachery and excessive foppishness. Earl Robert Lewellyn-Bowen immediately cuts all his hair.
1650 – The Arse (Rump) Parliament sells the Crown Jewels to the Dutch. Pockets the change.

1651 to 1660[edit]

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about 17th century.

1651 – The Dutch East Indies Company would burn and pillage throughout the East Indies. They would not change the sequence of their actions until the Dutch got sick of being sent nothing but charcoal.
1652 – The Great Crunchberry Famine starts.
1653 – Oliver Cromwell becomes Lord Protector of England, gets a free ermine robe,a packet of 'good Protestant condoms', orb and extra wart.
1654 – Queen Christina of Sweden abdicates to play Greta Garbo in Anna Christie. Her first words after giving up the throne are 'Gimme a whiskey, ginger ale on the side, and don't be stingy, baby'. She follows this with the line 'I'm going to Rome to kiss the Pope and become a Catholic.'
1655 – Jamaica is annexed to the British Empire. Cheaper rum promised but not delivered.
1658 – Richard Cromwell succeeds his dad as Lord Protector. He receives the customary condoms like his father. Richard lasts six months before resigning in a tearful tantrum that no one takes him seriously. Richard's failure popularises 'Dick-head' as a salty term of abuse.

René Descartes (right) gets a job as royal pointer to the court of Sweden.

1659 – France and Spain sign the Treaty of the Pyrenees after a long war. Spain cedes a number of ski runs to France but will fine anyone who goes off piste.
1660 – The monarchy is restored in England. King Charles II wears his best wig to the coronation. Yeah, thanks a fucking lot George Monck.

1661 to 1670[edit]

1661 – Isaac Newton gathers together some fellow scientists for a friendly game of tiddlywinks after being refused entry to the World Apple Eating Championships in Swindon, due to "propensity to form heretical conclusions after apple-related incidents."
1662 – Wheatabix is invented by Baron Heindrich von Kelloggs. It is later believed to be one of the major causes of the Black Plague.
1663 – The lesser known Good Fire of London is started by penguins in an attempt to destroy human civilization and take over Earth.
1665 – Thomas Farynor, a baker to King Charles II of England, invents s'mores. The popular recipe soon sweeps across London, kills two people and ends the Bird Flu Plague. S'mores are recalled a week after the Great Recipe of London.
1666 – The Great Fire of London is started by griffins playing with matches. Denizens can only watch helplessly as officials fail to distribute instructions on how to use water.
1667 – Ganon is born in a cabin made of Octarok bones.
1668 – Isaac Newton builds his first telescope. While recuperating from a broken foot, he looks out a window in the back of his flat and witnesses a murder.

1671 to 1680[edit]

'I don't have that many hats'.

1671 – Norwegia declares independence from Norway.
1672 – This is generally a bad year (unless for beer, allegedly); don't time travel back here, ever. Seriously. Don't. I mean it. Really.
1672 – France walks through the Spanish Netherlands (Belgium) to attack the Dutch Republic. The Dutch unplug their dykes to flood the country with Lesbians. The French run away in horror. The cloggers elect William of Orange as their leader after eating his predecessor Johan de Witt for political failure.
1674 – Lucifer invents junk.
1676 – The speed of light is calculated and found to be really, really, REALLY fast. Fast, I tell you.
1679 – Titus Oates claims Catholics want to kill Charles II and place the king's brother James II on the throne.Charles calls this fake news but England splits into two warring parties:The Jacob's Cream Crackers (Jacobites or Tories) who are for James and The Twiglets (or Whigs) who support William of Orange.
1680 – Medusa starts yodelling.

Alleged Rembrandt self-portrait, clearly a forgery as his arm was not extended when this selfie was taken.

1681 to 1690[edit]

1682 – The word "fart" is coined by a French maid. Matilda de Rochambeau, servant to King Nimre II. She is fluffing the royal pillows while walking around the room looking for areas to clean. She trips over a small statue that had fallen on the floor and exclaimed "f'art"! at that very same moment the king was sitting in the corner reading quietly and who let out a massive gaseous explosion. The king, not knowing any better, thought he had learned a new word from the maid and continued to use it in reference when appropriate.
1683 – The Rye House Plot: conspirators are discovered to be hatching a plot to assassinate King Charles II of England and his brother James. The king's illegitimate son the Duke of Monmouth is involved. "What a bastard!" says the king who exiles him to the Netherlands. The plot leader declaims, "I would have got away with it too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids and their dog".
1683 – The Turks try to sneak into Vienna for free apple strudel. They are thrown out of the city by a Polish bouncer called Jan Sobieski.
1685 – King Charles II of England dies. Incredibly, not of VD.
1685 – Monmouth Rebellion: King Charles II's bastard son attempts to overthrow the new King James II and have himself made king. The rebellion is defeated and the Duke of Monmouth is executed. Oooh ar. "Our line will rule forever!" says James II, stroking his white cat and laughing.
1687 – The first human brain is discovered. It is quickly lost due to the wonders of marijuana.
1688 – The Glorious Revolution occurs in England: James II is overthrown and forced into exile, losing his throne, stockings and the Great Seal; many supporters of the old regime are sent to the Tower. William of Orange is invited to be king. First "Orange March" takes place when Dutch troops march off their ships and into London to rough up Tory Jacobites.
1689 – Bill of Rights establishes Parliamentary supremacy in the United Kingdom. The British monarchy officially becomes useless but is retained for drama and tourist purposes only. An Act of Toleration grants freedom of worship unless you're a filthy Irish Catholic Papist.
c.1690 – Johann Pachelbel writes the Canon in D, which would go on to become famous when used in supermarket and wine commercials.

The Whack-a-Mole arcade game is invented for, not by, Charles "Chuckye Cheese" II. The game proves to be extremely popular, with players lined up around the venue with farthings and cutlery in hand.

1691 to 1700[edit]

1691 – Throw the Jew Down the Well tops charts in Guam and several other small countries.
1692 – Spiders create a super intelligent utopia. It is destroyed 2 years later when first-time traveller Bill Clinton spreads HIV though the collective.
1692 – Landfills are invented. Several days later the first dead "wiseguy" shows up in one.
1694 – The gullible are banned from ceilings worldwide.
1695 – Linguist Terry Bogard invents the Engrish dialect.
1695 – The were-hamster trophy is invented.
1696 – Several wags note the two middle numbers, have themselves a good chuckle, then die of syphilis.
1697 – The entire nation of Latveria successfully transports itself into another universe.
1697 – Peter the Great arrested in Salisbury for trying to poison the locals. He is released when the authorities are told the liquid is 'Russian Vodka'.
1698 – The English have successfully filled every corner of the world with spam and so Germany decides to go to war with them for the German can not stand spam. Britain defeats them leaving the world full of spam again, people are mad at Germany but no one knew they were trying to save us...
1699 – This year is brought to you by the letter P. Sickhead dance parties ensue.
1700 – King Charles II (Carlos) of Spain dies. Convinced he was bewitched, Charles suffocates after eating a plateful of candles thinking they were sausages.

King James dropped his Great Seal (called Sealy) into the River Thames. This action served no porpoise.
In the 17th century, even peasants could afford a weekend at a luxury spa.
Various forms of torture were taught to children so that they would be prepared for adulthood.
At the Salem witch trials, bewitched victims point to the bailiff and sheriffs as being witches.
King Charles II of Spain. As ugly as his oil painting only more so.