Ekrpat/QWERTY

Dvorak

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Spoiler warning: You are viewing a "Cheat Sheet" to the article Ekrpat, in full QWERTY. Words meant to be Dvorak'd are located in italics.

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Welcome to Windows!

I told Karen to leave the computer on while I'm at work but... ah whatever. I just hope she remembered to change everything back to my settings. Oh well, let's just begin.

Dvorak is an alternate type of key mapping that some people in the world use to type. Why these people would bother to use an alternate method is beyond me, but they do it anyway and seem to enjoy it.

Advantages

Can you imagine someone from the 1930s using this with a Dvorak layout? Preposterous, am I right?

Most people use Dvorak primarily because they consider it a layout more compatible to faster typers. It takes a while to adapt to, but when one perfects it, one can type up to 15 WPM faster than the leading QWERTY typer. I find it sort of funny how someone could donate months or years of their life perfecting a complicated method for something as moot as word typing, only to gain a few words over their competition. Idiotic, really. Additionally, I consider this a huge steaming load, as I can type circles in QWERTY around my girlfriend, who fancies Dvorak. God knows why, though. I think she might fancy other things too. Let's drop the subject.

Other advantages include all of the vowels {A E I O U and sometimes Y) in close proximity to each other. The vowels take the area of asdfg, making them easily accessible as well. Personally, I still find the traditional QWERTY layout superior, mostly because all of the vowels in a row is too obvious a password as compared to the traditional asdf. What a classic, that asdf! Who could possibly prefer boring old AOEU over the already widely accepted ASDF? Such balderdash!

History

Dvorak was invented in the early 1930s by August Dvorak. Now, I'm pretty sure all of you are asking why some crackpot would invent a layout for a keyboard over twenty years before the first computer keyboard was ever invented, don't come to me for answers. I'm as dumbfounded as you. Some suggest it was for typewriters, but who would really give a damn back then? Honestly. The thing was just invented, would anyone in their right mind want to change it, if the whole QWERTY layout was still new to them? Reminds me of what Karen expects of our sex life. The instant we put everything out on the table all of a sudden she wants to add in all these pointless knicks and knacks. So useless.

August Dvorak in all his glory. Note his shifty eyes and scruffy, almost criminal, demeanor. Not somebody you'd trust with a universal keyboard layout, eh?

Some users of Dvorak

• August Dvorak (you think?)
• Ben Franklin VII
• Marylin Monroe
• Harry S. Truman
• Tom Cruise
• Tiger Woods (on Monday and Fridays)

Not to mention my girlfriend also uses Dvor... wait. Oh that goddamn lousy son of a-- hold on.

Okay, I knew that worthless bitch forgot to change the settings back to QWERTY. That stinkin', lousy, worthless piece of... bleh. Well, I guess I just wasted twenty minutes of my life, just like those 500 emails I also accidentally wrote in Dvorak, and that slide show that almost cost me my job. She'll be in for a real treat when she gets back from the "spa". I bet she's still seeing that goddamn soliciting asshole from the beach club when she's out, anyway. I don't know why I even bother with her anymore. I don't know if it's the keyboard or the time she spends AWOL or the... ah, forget it why am I even telling you. You probably don't even care.

To hell with this. I'm gonna go shoot some heroin and go to bed.

See also

• Use this if you want, it's not like I'm going to stop you or anything.