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The Article Which Makes the Present Feature


Today's featured article – The Addams Family

Gomez Addams.jpg

The Addams Family is an American family best-known for producing an excessive number of U.S. Presidents. The Roosevelts are in a tie, but not in such short order; so too would be the Clintons, except for certain "deplorable" voters. The Kennedys showed comparable potential, except that various assassins showed more.

John Addams was born on October 30, 1735 in Quincy, Massachusetts. However, creepily, he was not known as John Quincy Addams, as that would be the other one, who was not known as anything at the time. John was the son of a cordwainer, also named John and also not named Quincy. He was a Puritan, railing against libertinage and debauchery. And he was a Federalist. All pretty creepy, at least the archaic verbiage. (more...)

Previously featured article – Finnish sauna

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The Sauna (pronounced SOW-NAH), or "Really Hot Place Containing Naked People" is a Finnish invention that many nations (i.e. Russia) falsely claim to have invented (See liar),[1] It was first recorded in the year 1050 B.C (Before cookies) by the Sosumi people in the Arctic Circle as a range of sounds to use everytime they hooked in a seal for dinner. (more...)

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Designated commemoration day

Why did the chicken cross the gene?

April 28: World Amateur Gene Splicing Day

  • 70,000 BCE - Homo sapiens emerges from Africa in search of restaurants that are really good but not too pricey and don't have wait staff that treat customers like shit. This single thought would propel all future human migration.
  • 3500 BCE - Moses descends from Mt. Sinai amid thunderclaps and bush conflagrations with a number of commandments.
  • 905 - Court jesters throughout Europe go on strike. This is considered so funny by the ruling class that most get promotions and bonuses.
  • 1818 - A Dr. Frankenstein from Germany finds other uses for his electrical turkey deep fryer invention.
  • 1861 - Oscar Wilde first merits mention in his local newspaper for his treatise on the manufacturing of bon-bons.
  • 1920 - The Soviet Union acquires free agent Azerbaijan; US weakly responds by drafting Alaska 39 years later.
  • 1932 - Dr. Bill Cosby announces discovery of vaccine for Jell-O Fever.
  • 2008 - Long-awaited gaming platform Playstation 4 is released to a wildly supportive public.
  • 1953 - Watson and Crick perfect DNA editing by removing Franklin and Gosling from any credit for discovering its structure.
  • 1993 - The Iron Chef makes gene splicing effective and inexpensive. Ironically, his name is not Gene.
  • 2009 - 90% of the population of Schenectady, New York, is wiped out by a mystery illness resulting from yesterday's festivities.

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