You Know Who
- Whoops! Maybe you were looking for The Who, Doctor Who, or Whats His Name, or was it Whatshisname, or maybe even Voldemort?
|“||‘Hu are you?’ asked the ancient sage, perched on his gnarled hurricane-lamp, sagely scratching at his beard. Tom Hanks, misogynist as is, asked back with cool logic, ‘What would happen to Hu then?’ Upon this volley the line umpire croaked out, the ball boys ran, and the electronic scoreboard showed - 90/2. ‘Shit’ said the sage, and Mr. Hanks knew who.||”|
The Hu (alternatively spelled as The Who) was born in the forbidden city of Ping Pong around the time of Chairman Meow. His father Pete Townshend (spelled 早安 in Mandarin, and that's not a duck) was a common farmer, and his mother Roger Daltrey (spelled 大家好 in Mandarin, and yes, it's a duck this time) was an uncommon housewife, for she belonged only to Hu's father. Both had been drafted for the Jedi Force in their youth, but were relieved of duties due to poor eyesight caused by too much strawberry milkshake intake.
The Who attended the Great Chinese School of Kung Fu, Chopsticks and Bamboo Drums, and soon came under the influence of his chicken-drumstick teacher Keith Moon (spelled 好家伙 in Mandarin, and please, stop asking about the duck). The Moon very soon during one monsoon delivered the boon of introducing the Who (or the Hu, for Chrissake) to the other side. The Who soon became the first disciple of Then Xiaoping, a minion of Now Xiaoping, the dark lord himself, and was taken to Studio 54™.
Archaeological evidence of You Know Who
Quite a few evidences has been unearthed from the unearthly source of Archeology, the third planet from your hometown:
- The Idol of Goddess Cali: A good new for all the idol folk, there is goddess for the State of Californication™, better known as the pathetic state of Cali
- Doomsday: A gateway to the house of Slytherin, part of L'Institut de Hogwash™, used principally by the Knights of the Parabolic Table
- Rock 'n Roll: A junk-food much popular among the paleolithic population of Alohamora™, a port town just downstairs from Kyoto
- The Spastic Gospels: A sacred book kept hidden by the American Medical Association, supposedly contains the formula for Chemical X, used by Professor Utonium to create the Powerpuff Girls.
- The Holy Grail: Ask Indiana Jones or Robert Langdon, no one else is empowered to talk about the Grail
- The Monkey's Paw: An artifact used in the past as an evil alternative to the Genie's Lamp
- Free Food Tickets: An invention of Thomas Edison, the famous Georgian psychopath, who also invented the jackhammer, the chainsaw and the saber-tooth
- The Pantheism: A pre-Rowman derlict looming over the Town of Addidus™, famous for its phallic symbols disguised as remains of ancient columns
At Studio 54™ the Who recorded his first album together with JeLo, the Witch of Woolpert and Wolverine the great. The obscenely titled album - Anyway, Anyhow, Anywhere - immediately became a cult classic to the underground Chinese population, namely the rats and the roaches. It is still debated by some music historians if the album started off the Generation-X movement or not (amply recorded in An ornithological history of eastern music, mysticism and mummification, Virgin Books, 1998).
The Generation-X movement is the 24th movement of the Fifth Symphony, a global guild of kindergartens, followed by Generation-Y and Generation-Z movements. The three sublime symptoms of Gen-Xers are - the Yellow Submarine, the Blue Beetle and the Red Herring. The Kindergarten Cops have allegedly squashed all 26 movements by use of cruel and unusual humor, including use of laughing gas and corny SMS jokes. Anonymous sources cited the remains of the Submarine, mummified eggs of the Beetle and a canned specimen of cooked Herring kept at Cops headquarters as living proof of their cruel and unusual ways.
A number of solo, group and anonymous albums followed, including - Tommy (featuring the chart-buster superhit - Die Mother Teresa Die), Quadrophenia and other diseases (featuring the total flop - DVD Killed the VCD-fad) and Face Dances (featuring critically acclaimed - Bob has a Zombie for a father - but of course the critics were heavily bribed by the studio). This phase of his career ended when he recorded the unpublished album - Hu are you - together with Dr. Who and The Spy Who.
The Mother Connection
A late 25th century insurgency against the four most important mothers in the world - Mother Mary the Virgin Air, Mother Teresa the Indian Airlines, Mother Superior and Mother of all evil - has loomed deadly for decades before fizzling out. The four anthems of the insurgency featured, besides the super hit by You Know Who - Mary had a little lamb, Superiority Cinema, and An evil in Paris. Some historians claim that since nobody knows who did the other three songs, they must be works of a couple of Martian juvenile delinquents.
While recording his last album, You Know Who was struck by the science bug (Bugbogus Scientificus). Recovering from the mandatory three-day fever and six-day hemorrhoid, he embarked on journey of amazing inventions still unsurpassed by none but Thomas Edison.
Unfortunately most of the inventions made by You Know Who were patented by the Umbrella Corporation and marketed by the Banana Corporation. You Know Who has been able to make a total of US$ 56,40 out of his inventions so far.
At the end of the inventive spree You Know Who left for New York City and was mostly left to himself. At this point Now Xiaoping, the dark lord himself, took him in as one of his minions. You Know Who was transferred to the dark-side of the moon, where he met the famous politician King Nixon of Watergate, and joined the New Labor.
In the election that followed the New Labor won a landslide victory, and You Know Who was placed as the undersecretary of the province of Red China, the most populated region on the dark side of the moon. Soon enough Darth Vader, the leader of both the Red Chinese Liberation Front and the Underprivileged Consumers of the Dark Side made a contact with him, and lured him into the revolution.
Age of Revolution
In 2002, the revolution took over half of the moon, including Red China, and this guy became its first president, shortly followed by You Know Who. And, the revolution lived happily ever after.
It all began with the advent of the Rowman Empire and the war including Garland high school, the formidable people who rowed their way through his'story, her'story and your'story too. Everyday from don to dusk (that was the dawn of the dons in the Rowman pen-in-Sula leading up to the time of Emperor Vito Corleone) they rowed and rowed and buried them in the drink, sometimes in Scotch, some other times in the pond they called the Mediterrenean. For those with spelling difficulty it was just "the drink".
This Rowman tradition continued till a group of hair-stylists – known as Barbarians in the North, Berbers in the South and Barbers everywhere else – gathered at the gate, a gathering that eventually brought the Empire down. But, the question remained - who were they burying in the drink? Well, for the Rowmen the answer was always – You Know Who. But, for outsiders, like the Gauls, Visigoths, Americans, and Malaysians it gave rise to a new question – who is who?
|Invention in General|
|Inventions by You Know Who|
The ancient epistemological statement – You Know Who – has always been one of the great unsolved mysteries of life, romance and the universe in general. It has been much deliberated upon by such Illuminati as Harry Pothead, Serious Black, Severe Snape, and Allthebest Dumbledoor, as well as feminist icons like Partfatty Patil. During the times of the black plague, the yellow fever, the Grey market, the purple haze and the red scare it was quoted repeatedly.
In the Seventh International Congress on Gastrophysics, Malborne 1816 this statement was declared as "the most enigmatic statement invented by Mankind since the invention of Zero as number" . Though the declaration was fiercely contested by a mid-18 century gang of scholars known as Rastafarians, it largely remained the official doctrine of the Vatican, the prime center of Gastrophysics.
The Lying Dutchman
It has been reported that Copenhagen's Theorem came closest to a solution of this eternal wonder back in the 17th century. But, the Theorem, written on metro-station wall and ended with a quick scribbling - "the train is here, the rest will be on the wall of King's Cross" became a part of the problem, not a part of the solution. Kuthbert Copenhagen, the Dutch mathematician and animal-trainer was never found again to report why he did not deliver on that promise.
Fundamental principles of Copenhagen's Theorem is not all that difficult to understand as long you keep your head inside a plastic bucket trying shag a bong through your nose in that position. As a proof the Theorem is given below:
Divide and Confuse
“It is best to forgive and forget the passions of You Know Who.”
From fermenting raw pitch into ionized guava smash to teaching albino rattlesnakes the art of bag piping – there have been numerous attempts at knowing the Who. The most notable attempt was made by Professor Immanuel Kant of the Star Wars fame and a close friend of the Lochness Monster, who divided the statement into constituent components and explained them at length. When interrogated by the famous gossip magazine FBI he admitted the irresistible urge to divide everything that comes on his way to be his driving motive. Professor Kant is reported to have divided the Indian states of Punjab and Bengal, as well the city of Berlin. An excerpt of his divided explanation follows:
- You: "Possibly you are a foreigner and you bring disgrace to the Canadian way."
- Know: "To know is to bring curses on top of curses unto the village where lives the Highdagger."
- Who: "Who knows foreign languages better - Ernie or Bert - that is the question."
Da Vinci Codes
The situation is immortalized in the 11th book of the epic trilogy by Leonardo Da Vinci, The Amazing Adventures of Don Vito Quixote (Pepsi Books, circa 1234). In the book Don Quixote kills about 12,465,199,302 people by way of burying, drowning, electrocuting, nose pulling and acid-farting. Each time he is asked who he killed, he answers – You Know Who – and is asked back – who is Who? As a result has to kill the questioner as well, adding up to the total death toll.
Songs on You Know Who
Many has sung in praise of You Know Who, many has sung to You Know Who's memory, and yet more have sung to avoid other people singing.
- Songs from the Age of Problem
- Who feels up my senses (Cannabis Canabinoid)
- Wish who was here (Pithecanthropus Erectus)
- Songs from the Age of History
- Who is the little blackbird sitting on a wall (Anonymous)
- Who wants to break my balls (William Shakespeare)
- Who's that Girl (Madonna)
- Girls just wanna have fun (Madre Christo)
- Is there anybody up there (Pink Floyd)
- Stop this crap and let me do the rap (the Who)
- Songs from the Age of Solution
- Exactly who I wanted (Jack Kennedy)
- Ask not what your country can do for you (Jack Knife and His Wife and Her Lover)
- Oh oh here who comes (Jack the Ripper)
- Who wants to be my sister (Jack o' All Trades)
- Who wants to be my brother (Jack o' Lanterns)
- Who is it (Wacko Jacko)
- Songs from the Age of Revolution
- Who let the dogs out (Dogman and Dogging)
- Who loves you yeah yeah yeah (Beeting about the Bush)
Books and other literature on You Know Who
You Know Who was mentioned in several highly significant books that missed the Times Best Seller List:
- Harry Potter You Know Who plays an androgynous serial rapist who attempts foil a young boy's attempt to the scene-est dude on myspace
- The Gotyouinthebargain Bible: You Know Who plays the lead role as an allusion to the Satman (misspelled as the Satan or the Batman in some cases) in this moral symbiosis written by Oprah
- Adventures of Marco Polo in the Wild Wild West: You Know Who plays the lead role as an allusion to His Amazingness the Chinese Emperor Jackie Chen the MCXXVIII in the surgical drama written by a person named Polo the Mint with a Hole
- Secret Manual of Profit-making for the not-so-Free Masons: You Know Who is in the second lead as an insurmountable obstacle to all-oars-out Crony Capitalism in this B-school textbook written by Leon Trotsky
- One Stop Forward, Who Stops Back: You Know Who makes a cameo appearance as the foolproof answer to football at the junior school level in this technical tale written by Osama bin Laden, an apostle of the Church of the Sub genius
- Rice and Paddy of the Rowman Empire: You Know Who makes a cameo appearance as a mysterious character responsible for the barbers at the gate in this cosmetic play written by a person named Gibbons (born 781 BC, father Apes, mother Monkeys)
- Rowmen and the Juliet: You Know Who stands in as a stunt man in this earlier version of the war epic - Romeo and Juliet - written by William Shakespeare
The Inside Story
The Eternal disorder of the Black Hoods for Understanding and Executing Kitten Huffers, a cult order in charge of creating comfortable bubble-baths for the President of the US, has had a chapter inside the White House since the holocaust. According to Buck Rogers, the famous archaeologist, they always had insiders in the deepest nooks and crannies of state governance. The Black Hood honcho from the White House who refused to be identified unearthed the secret of the Who from page 389.44 of the Red Book (Department of Truth and Forgery, Government of Highly Democratic Republic of Samsung, Edition 4, circa 2001).
That revelation has created much commotion in the fashionable circuits, supposedly even more than the revelation of white semi-transparent Lycra panties of Princess Diana. Unlike the Diana fiasco that involved digital photography, this new revelation was made through a couple of magnetic audio tapes(already celebrated as the Barbergate Tapes) that contain a discussion bewtween the George and the Rice.
Excerpts from the Barbergate Tapes
- George: Who is the new president of China?
- Rice: Yes, that's Hu.
- George: That's what I'm asking – who is?
- Rice: That's what I'm telling – Hu is the new President of China.
- George: Would you, please, tell me who?
- Rice: I'm telling you – it's Hu.
- George: Who?
- Rice: Yes, Hu.
See also (if you have nothing much to do)
- The Chapter of Koan in the Article on Zen and a discussion on that Koan
- The secret ambitions of Who - Who Wants to be a Millionaire; his not-so-secret activity to achieve it - Who Framed Roger Rabbit; and his fear of his biggest obstacle - Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
- Your personal attachment to Who in the Article on Who is your real mom (For more on your mom - Americans check out Your mother, Madagascans check out Your Mom, Russians, Wakistanis and Labrador Dogs check out Your Friend's Mom; and for even more - or to get even - everybody see the answer to Do you know who my father is?
Not To Be Confused With
- Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Smoking Hood, Little Red Riding Whore, The Little Mermaid, your Little Brother, Little Britain, Little China or Little girls
- Lord Voldemort
- That old hippie chick who's always collecting money
- Paris Hilton
- Kurt Cobain
- Your mother
- The man with the Golden Banana, That Man over there, That Gentlemen Over Yonder, by the Bush, That li'll gen'lman trying to live down the lane, That old man down the street
- Evil Scheme To Take Over The World
- That Man peeing on That Gentlemen over there
- Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Golden Age Flash or Golden Age Green Lantern
- Hazardous children
- The Joy of Killing
- Chairman Meow or his bitch
Uncyclopedia bears no responsibility of the opinions expressed or secrets uncovered. These opinions and secrets belong solely to the creators of these links, Superman and You Know Who.
- Personal blog You Know Who
- The big wonder now unwondered
- Find out if you know who
- Find out if you are the who
- Find out who your mother is
- Diva not available, not at least to the likes of you perverts.
- Get a life. Stop looking for goofy product announcements.
- Reports on the proceedings of the Seventh International Congress on Gastrophysics, Coke Books, circa 1817
- Real Estate available through the British Constabulary
- Defamation lawsuits available through Cutthroat, Shylock, Greedy, Hungry and Skinner Esq.
- Translation available at Tongue-Tied Travelers & Co.
- Trips available through Brainwash Travels and Money Laundering Inc.
- Personalized scandal tapes available through King Hong Kong Insurance Claimers and Irreversible Damages Ltd.
|President of Red China
2002 - 25th century