HowTo:Be for something before you are against it
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“ This guide is an excellent way to learn how to change your mind”
“ Now only if I can change my mind to actually defeating the humans”
“ You can change your mind?!?!?! Neat-o!! ”
“ Is this a cure to homosexuality?”
“ Can I use this to be smarty-er?”
“ This guide help me in my campaign....errr...wait...no it didn't....actually it did....no it didn't....uhhh never mind”
Throughout the ages, there existed a way for a politician to become more popular without actually doing anything at all but to switch positions. The results of this may vary and some people just know how to do "it" better than others.
Objective of Manual
The objective of this manner is to teach the "subject"/thing/Karl Rove how to be for something before they are against it. Many call this "flip-flopping". However, with proper expirence, people will just say you are "open-minded"
HOW TO:BE FOR SOMETHING BEFORE YOU ARE AGAINST IT
Step 1: Find a Motive
This can be the most difficult part. You actually have to go out looking for a reason to flip flop. Sure, you are a politician and only support your platform because the opposing party doesn't, or you are an "independent reformer" who is trying to get votes for your party where your party is considered a bunch of subversive, baby eating or baby eating, anti-american, working stiff hating, child molesting, out of touch snobs. Here, you will try to be something, yet be something else. For further reading on being something, yet being something else, please see I can't believe it's not Liberalism!. If you are ever in doubt about the ethics of this plan, just remember that the American way is to have your cake....and eat it too! Why do you think there are so many fat people in America? However, be aware that there are those who are watching you and will criticize you for being a greedy liar or a greedy liar. Just remember to accuse them of being a greedy liar and then is doesn't hurt to blame them for 9/11 or Enron. Don't worry. Most people will understand.
Cases in the filed
Moderate Democrat in a Blue State
-The Democrat from a state that once entered, induces hunger from some odd reason, but is still trying to act normal by being a chicken-wuss on some hard core issue. This Thing will support the war so no one notices what kind of grateful dead listener and pot head he really is.
Conservative Republican in a Libertarian Red State
- The Republican representative who comes from an otherwise apolitical background who arbitrarily votes whatever the Republican National Committee Platform states because its constituency doesn't like "them darn left-wing commie dimmercrats takin away my guns so I can't shoot dem prairie niggers or poach". Although, in every poll taken, a clear majority of constitutents in this at-large district claim to be pro-choice, though a clear majority to claim to be conservative republicans.
Conservative Democrat/Dixiecrat in Red State
- The Democrat who represents a district that is frequented by the alien abduction phenomenon who campaigns by promising to put a wrench in all of the senate democrat's plans by being anti-choice, pro-middle east expansion and against any meaningful reform to american heathcare. Here, he can represent his contituents by doing more against the democrats than any republican could do.
Moderate Libertarian/Cedar Closet Republican in Blue State
- The Republican in a state where "girly men" is pretty accurate to describe most democrats, independents and moderate republicans. In this district, the republican usually wants to be as "festive" as possible without angering the base. Fortunately for this politician, most of the fundies in this state are gay and would appreciate the help the politician can give for them and their butt-fuggin' brady bunch families.
So, how in the hell do you find a motive?
Well, let's say Mr(s). Free Spirit from a purple state wants more than to just be the ruler or representative of a giant gay bar or trailer park. What then?....or what if your purple state has become a magnet for above-stated hillbillies or girly-men? What then? That's easy, like a chameleon, you need to blend into your surroundings and you will do this by being for something before you are against it.
Step 2: Find Something to be "open minded" about
if you are a democrat, your 20 policy points should be:
- Abortion should always be safe, legal, fun, quick and easy. Just think. You wouldn't want to be born if your mom is a slut, do you? Well, anway...it appears that you should smile because your mom was anti-choice, and res ipsa, your mom is a slut!
- Genetic Engineering is fuggin' awesome and really cool. We have the 17 assed sheep and 81 ass donkey and we are the ones who engineered ManBearPig!
- Creationism is for Al-Qaeda
- Abstinence-Plus - kids shouldn't have sex, but they should all learn that "mining for love" is a loving alternative lifestyle and their constitutional right
- The budget really isn't a problem and if it is, blame the republicans
- Gays are people, if they want to raise their own little butt-fucking brady bunch, let 'em!
- For every nanogram of estogen in your blood system, or every extra manogram ofmelonin in your skin,you get a dolla!
- The first amendment means that schools should be 100% GOD(S)-FREE!!!!
- Undeserving slobs deserve not to die too...and all of us working stiffs have to pay for it!!
- Even the stupid should have to stop working at some point
- The First Amendment means that we can't fund private schools and that we must "try to fix stupid" by funding our public schools.
- The death penalty takes a life and should be illegal and the state's "right to choose" is a bastardization of "state's rights".
- Habitual Criminals are humans, too. If they were animals, then we may be able to put them in zoos. We will miss the love and joy that goes with all the zoo children coming to see the child molester exihibit, though...and just think! Some of them would be catholic priests that could teach our children values!
- Most people are too retarded to own guns, especially those republicans who really like guns.
- We LOVE hitting people who have money up for it!!! GRADUATED INCOME TAX, yo!
- To the darkies and macacas, Mi Casa is Su Casa. Allow a guest worker progrran!
- The Iraq war is murder, mannnnnnnnn....most soldiers are nazis, child molesters and terrorists and belong in jail, not in uniform.
- Were HIPPIES, mannnnn.... Stop Global Warming...Don't Drilling the Alaskan void....mannnnnn.....those greedy republicans are killing our mother earth, mannnnn...
- Most democrats are stoners and naturally want to legalize pot.
- Everything destructive must be destroyed
If you are republican, your 20 policy points are:
- ~Every sperm is sacred! Every sperm is good! If a sperm gets wasted, the base gets quite irate!...or just think of it this way. For all the hard shit we do to this world, the womb should be a "safety" zone like the game of sorry or when you pass gas and say "Safety" before another person calls "door knob" and beats you senseless before you touch a door knob.
- Genetic engineering creates a nightmare world like the Matrix, where babies are huffed by sick people...and God gets really angry!
- Evolution is the cause of all the world's problems, including the ones we are responsible for.
- Abstinence only and if you can't accept that, Jesus said that there were men that were born eunuchs from their mothers, there were those made eunuchs by other men and he who becomes a eunuch in the name of the kingdom of heaven, let him accept that!
- On spending your tax dollars, do as we say, not as we do
- Jesus said that all retarded gay jews should be put to death.
- Brown v. Board was wrongly decided...and should be overturned.
- The separation of church and state is a lie. Like evolution or the round earth theory.
- The state has the right to choose. If we outlawed the death penalty, we would have to do in back alleys with coat hangers.
- If you can't find a rich enough job to afford a doctor, you deserve to die of cancer
- Social Security is stealing. Because of it, I have to trade in my make-believe Aston-Martin for a make believe Mazzerati so some retard can continue to breathe after he is too senile to work.
- You can't fix stupid. We should use No Child and a voucher system to eventually abolish the public education system.
- Habitual criminals belong in cages. We can't have monkies on the streets stealing fries from complete strangers.
- The second amendment is the only right that is truly worth enforcing in the constitution. Maybe the 10th as well but only when we say its ok.
- TAX CUTS!!! TAX CUTS!!! TAX CUTS!!! I can't wait for my tax cut! The day my check comes in, im off to the toy store to buy more GI JOES.
- Only white people should be allowed to come to america.
- War rocks!!! Now Iraq, then Iran, then Syria, then Venezuela, then 'Nam again, then Pakistan, then we will find an excuse to attack Libya...and then we will attack the next most flammable country.
- Being in the military automatically wins you arguments with liberals
- Mother nature causes earthquake, storms and grue attacks and now we should just take care mother nature because shes losing?!
- most republicans are meth heads but we still believe that drug use by anyone else sends them straight to hell! We should fight the war on drugs, but only if it doesn't affect us!
What this means
It is common knowledge that you can only disagree with two of your points to be ideologically pure to run for national office. That means, if you disagree with 3 points or more, you need to be for something before you were against it.
What should you be for before you are against it?
Think about it. What should you be for before you are against? The best way to deal with this is through einee-meenie-miney-moe or you could just spin a wheel.
Okay, so you found an issue you want to have an open mind on. Abortion? iRaq? Welfare? You can't just say you changed your mind on something. That's flip-flopping. What you can do is to pretend to have an open mind and said your views evolved over time.
Step 1: Your actual old position
First you must take into consideration your old position and try to compare it to what you need to do. It's best to come up with how what you want to believe and what you do believe are the same.
For example, if you are for the war, you need to think of yourself as fighting for someone's else's freedom. Now, you just got to understand that to be against the war, you have to be for your own freedom. So, that's a good start....you are still fighting for freedom.
Try to pick your most provocative issue. The generally accepted hierarchy is:
- The War
- Stem Cells
- Prayer in School
- Social Security
- Health Insurance
- Death Penalty
- Drilling in ANWR
- Everything else, included proposals to use infants under 3 years of age as fuel for the Mars-Bound space shuttle replacement and kitten huffing.
This would be a sub-sub-sub-sub topic!
Pretty pointless, ain't it?
Step 2: Manuevering
The next thing you must do is find a way to change your mind without anybody noticing. This is quite a difficult process. This part separates the men from the boys (crowbars are what separate greek men from boys). You first must express recultance for a related policy. For example, if you are for the Iraq war, you warn the public about what could happen if we invade Iran. If you are against gay marriage, hire some really festive consultants and home landscapers. Then, you could move on to bigger things such as regretting the cultural conditions that forces you to take the position that you do. Then you can blame the results of your issues on those very cultural problems.
Step 3: Changing your position
Now, that everyone knows that you have your position but are unhappy about it, its time for the last straw. This "last straw" could be anything.....all the people need to know was that it made you feel sad, confused, but somehow comforted in your self.
Step 4: Your new position
Now, because you are angry and confused, you can now affirm Yoda's Fear-Leads-To-Anger-Anger-Leads-To-Hate theory that was illustrated with Anakin's well-executed change in opinion. You can now say that those who told you to believe what you did had abused your values and lied to you and that you are now siding with their opponents.
pitfalls and case examples
This pro-war democrat didn't change his position until January 2004, when the war situation first began to sour and the base began to reject him though at this time, he was clearly more electable the the other candidates, including Dubya. However, in order to be nominated he changed on the dime and lost the election. He didn't even use my approach.
This moderate republican governor of California signed a law that legalized abortion before Roe v. Wade, but then as he left his job, began to talk about revolutionizing america. In fact, by 1980, he was able to win by 11 points and though he had flipped-flopped and became one of the most pro-life presidents in american history.
QUIZ: What would you do?
- 1) You are moderate republican running for U.S. senate in Oregon. You are quite grizzled when it comes to guns, trees and wolves and everyone knows that social security would be toast under your watch and you smile like a hungry wolf over Iran. You, however LOVE having a good time, so anything that makes sex and rock n' roll better and easier is on the table for you- abortion, gays, hippies- YOU LOVE 'EM.
The base is complaining about this but it would be very hard, because this is Oregon where dying people can ask to become properly dead people, to win Wyden's seat by going to Westboro Baptist Church, regardless of it being 1500 miles away. What do you do?
- 2) You are a conservative democrat trying to win the nomination....and not just because you have a southern twang. You vomit a little in your mouth when activists start talking about rights for women and gays because you were molested at 12 by your drunken step-dad for trying to suggest that condoms should be legal. What should you do? Also, you are a pyromaniac and get a hard-on when you see the war on Fox. The only reason you are even a democrat is because you are a socialist who believes that flipping hamburgers should pay $60,000 a year in the cheapest town in America. What do you do?
Step 3: Find a reason to be "open-minded" about something- i.e. "have a moment"
You can't *just* have these changes in heart, you have to somehow be sincere about them. Here are some ideas about how to do just that.
Some good ideas of how to have come to a moment
Had a Religious Expirence
Yes! You can claim that just the other day, you were in the hotel with your gay prostitute named Rual. Upon obtaining orgasm after getting it up the butt, you then had a vision of Jesus who then swept you off your feet to show you the true path. Apparently, this only works with republicans, because there have been a lot of gay sex scandals and flip-flopping in the republican ranks of late. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!!!
Found blood in your stool
Also, you could claim that the blood you found before stool after you had to go to the little politician's room really bad right in the middle of sunday brunch with the extended family and the press was a sign of the dark side of the force beginning to ravage your body as well as addling your mind. You could then claim that you are very interested in prevention-based health and decided that though being able cast Bolt 3.1415 and other spells would be cool, it was time to change your mind on certain issues so you don't end up with skin cancer or looking like the friggin' Pope. Consequentially, you decided it was time to abandon the dark side of the force by turning a new leaf. A new leaf on an issue that many Americans simply don't change overnight, unless you are retarded, like the Roe lady.
Lost consciousness for 3 hours while enjoying hot chocolate and pink fluffy slippers
You could claim that You are so fuggin' clumsy that you knocked your self out during your softer moments. Because of this, you had a dream of what a world with your old issue would really look like. You could claim that you saw a world that looked like the matrix where giant computers huffed kittens and that your favorite brand of candy was discontinued. Also, this vision took place in a world where Francoislamocommienazifacistjihadist child molesting homophobic/heterophobic racist/not racist midget Catholic priests ruled the earth. However, this was a minor consequence in your dream as your favorite candy bar was discontinued and the remaining bars were huffed.
Was offended by a byproduct of what you last believed
Or you could just say that you were greated by a doctor from Harvard that claimed that they would make kitten huffing less tasteless because of your issue. You could claim that this made you fall into a depressive episode for days where you finally figured out that you were wrong.
Step 4: Finishing without getting caught
....But what happpens if a reporter is smart enough to see through your flip-flopping? What then? That's easy...you buy a grue that will huff all of those nasty little beasts. Then you can blame the attack on fringe elements of your opponent's camp trying to assasinate you. You can't lose!!
A list of those who completed this course
Congratulations!!! You are new man (or woman) who is now ideologically acceptable (at least in the party primary) to communists, homosexuals, heterosexuals, metrosexuals, bisexuals, pansexuals, necrophiliacs, child molesters, nazis, fascists, NASCAR enthuistists, eugenicists, inquisitors, baby huffers, fag draggers, corporate thieves, lazy fat balding union bosses, anti-choicers, fat people, scientologists, grues, aryans, Chuck Norris (WTF?) minorities, racists, growth advocates, environmentalists, stoners, tweakers, idolotors, adulterors, women with periods, emos, Oscar Wilde, children and convicted felons (Who can't vote), men who get hot flashes, men with sand in their vagina, creationists, atheists, pyromaniacs, jews, christians, muslims, Mohammed, those who would kill their mothers for a nickel, women who gleefully wear burkas, those who believe they are on the verge of staving when they are worth 113462356245 dollars, many more interesting people, those with an IQ between 56 and 69, cats, dogs, tall people, irkens, greys, the grateful undead, Me and Jesus.