Roe v. Wade
Roe v. Wade, 410 U.S. 113 (1973) is a seminal United States Supreme Court case that set a lasting precedent for issues involving the Supreme Court's jurisdiction, freedom of choice, and the right to life.
The hardy explorers Lewis Roe and Clark Wade were the first white men to attempt to cross the Mississippi River in a rowboat. Two-thirds of the way across the river, Wade chickened out and demanded that they abort the crossing, arguing that they did not have enough resources to support themselves once they reached the west bank. Roe, however, wanted to continue onward, saying that he "Would rather die than live with the shame of an aborted crossing." In the ensuing fist fight, Roe kicked Wade out of the boat. Unable to swim, Wade sank to the bottom of the Mississippi, where he drowned before wading back to the east bank.
Roe filed suit against Wade, claiming that Wade had caused their expedition to fail, resulting in loss of the $100,000 prize and "severe mental anguish". Wade counter-sued, claiming that Roe had infringed on his right to life by drowning him in the Mississippi. Roe counter-counter-sued, which prompted Wade to repeatedly stab Roe with a clothes hanger. Roe died.
The rise of Roe
Shortly after his death (about three seconds), he rose again. Fortunately for Wade, Roe did not remember being killed. He did, however, remember to triple-dog-counter-sue Wade for whatever it was they were quarreling about now. They are now locked in eternal combat in the firey pits of hell.
In the majority opinion, Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist stated, "It is not the Supreme Court's place to settle petty squabbles between bickering children. Grow up."
The Supreme Court won the case 8-1, which was a major occurrence since usually one of the two sides involved wins the case. The lone dissenting vote came from Justice Michael Moore. In his opinion Moore said, "Contrary to the opinions of my colleagues, I believe that it is not the Supreme Court's place to decide what is or is not the Supreme Court's place. As such, I rule in favor of Wade because he totally got screwed over."
Since the Roe v. Wade decision, the Supreme Court has heard only 2 or 3 cases per year, citing this case as a clear precedent that they did not need to listen to "petty squabbles" and could all go out for pizza instead.
The Even Supremer Court's decision
The decision was appealed by both Roe and Wade in 2010, and was then taken to the Even Supremer Court. The Even Supremer Court decided that because both of them were "big-ol' babies" and because one of them died, that this case was actually over abortion. Because of their superior detective work, the Even Supremer Chief Justice was constitutionally permitted to make fun of the Supreme Court by mooning them.
The Even Supremer Court unanimously decided that abortion was legal, after watching an episode of Family Guy where pregnant woman Bonnie gets an abortion, then in the next episode she has the baby back in her stomach. Some scientists decried this decision as "even dumber than evolution", saying that abortions are more permanent than cartoons would have you believe. However, no credible scientific research indicates that abortion is permanent.
When Roe and Wade asked what the hell the decision had to do with them, Supremer Court justice Hillary Clinton showed them by having an abortion on the spot, and saying "You now have the right to do this!" Roe said "But we were arguing over crossing a river! The right to have an abortion doesn't provide us with any assistance!", to which Hillary replied, "Tough titties."
Roe V Wade II: This time, it's personable
In a vain and seriously misjudged attempt to settle the matter, 1977 Wimbledon Champion Virginia Wade took on a plate of fish eggs in a game of tennis. Unsurprisingly, Wade won, 6-0 6-0. However, critics have claimed that the match proves nothing, as Wade has a markedly superior track record in the game (albeit over 20 years ago) and fish eggs lack certain physical abilities that would allow them to compete in an athletic event.
- See also: In the aftermath of the Katrina Disaster in August 2005, president Bush was asked about his opinion on Roe v. Wade. He subsequently replied that "I don't know. Whatever will get the people out of the city the quickest, I guess".
- Pee also: This is also known as the great controversy amongst the outdoorsmen of the northwest forests. There are many disputes between waders and kayakers in terms of waterway use. In fact, some of these disputes have become violent. In 1978, the Sagebrush Rebellion was started because one of these disputes. The rebellion caused over 500 deaths, 2000 injuries and 30 billion dollars worth of property damage throughout the western half of the United States and culminated with the election of President Ronald Reagan in 1980.