User:Happytimes/R. Kelly

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For some reason, Happytimes thinks someone is watching them.
No, seriously. Unless you're Happytimes, we suggest you back away slowly and wait for trained professionals to arrive!
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for P. Diddy?

“Well, he's still a douche!”

~ Oscar Wilde on finding out R. Kelly was acquitted.

I pull out my Beretta!

~ R. Kelly on problem solving techniques to be used when trapped in a closet.

For those of you who enjoy yellow journalism, the experts at Wikipeedia have a bulbous article about R. Kelly.

R. Kelly, (Born Argentine Kelly Kapowski) Now aged to his late fifties, American R(oberto). (Sylvester) Kelly (January 8th, 1967 - just now), is an occasional mediocre rapper and formerly successful R & B "artist" with a bevey of musical hits. As a three time Grammy winner he has joined the ranks of other well known "musicians" such as Celine Dion, Baha Men, Michael Bolton and Milli Vanilli. Mega-popular for his R & B jams during the 1990's his success was unprecedented. Having been one of the top-selling musical acts during that time he's been able to hold onto celebrity status today through the use of blackmail and payola. Kelly's newer songs often include explicit sexual references and repetitious statements of the obvious.[1]

R. Kelly
Birth name Robert P. Kelly
Also known as P. Kelly
Born &000000000000003400000034 years, &0000000000000359000000359 days September 27, 1982 (1982-09-27) (age 41)
Chicago, Illinois, United States
Genre(s) Hip hop
Occupation(s) R&B, Rapper
Instrument(s) Vocals
Years active 1992–present
Label(s) Young Money, Cash Money, Universal Motown
Website []

Early hits

R. Kelly began his singing career as a fetus when he rhymed, "lub-dub" with "dub-lubb."[2] Rumored to be of Chicago birth, he was born a poor child. But a simple wish upon a shooting star made at a family barbecue began his rocket to fame. Kelly's entire list of songs is prolific.


Note: Kelly's body of work is so large that it violates Uncyclopedias' list policy and legally cannot be shown here.


Most famous for talking about himself in third person; stating he is "the most important black man alive,"[3]

well-known for urinating on a teenage girl with his Lil Wayne.

Rhyming R. Kelly with felony

Success took a bad turn when it was alleged that his penis was too small to confirm the urination allegations,and Kelly was charged with fraud for claiming that he was the true urinator.

Child sex tape/pornography trial

In 2002, the Chicago Police Child Investigative Unit (CPCIU) and a writer for the Chicago Suntimes showed protégé Sparkle a videotape allegedly of her younger niece, then allegedly approximately 14, and R. Kelly allegedly engaging in alleged sexual acts. Sparkle identified the young girl as her sister's daughter. Sparkle testified against R. Kelly in a subsequent criminal trial on charges of child pornography in 2008.[4]

The jury found Kelly not guilty in the case. The trial had been delayed repeatedly, and the matter was only heard more than six years after it was originally reported. More than six years of hit after hit. Six years of golden R. Kelly.

fly through belief

behind the music/trouble with the law.

HowTo:Come Out of the Closet HowTo:Hide in the closet

Pee Review

R. Kelly admires his brilliant visual representation of "War and Peace" from his parent's basement apartment.

Kelly's Hip Hop Opera: (HIPHOPERA), Trapped in the Closet (All At Once) is colloquially known as both "the worst movie ever made" and the "two hours of my life I'll never get back."

Chapter eleven

Although chapter eleven is the most widely acclaimed portion of the H'opera (revealing the midget as the baby daddy) all the chapters are relevant in their own way, as seen here: Chapter 1, 2, [3], 4, 5, [6], [7], 8, [9], [10], 11, [12], 13, [14], [15], [16], [17], [18], [19], [20], [21], 22, [23-32 = coming soon], [33-infinity = summer, 2013].

A video of his new urban opera

Trapped in the cupboard (Chapters 1 thru 189): File:Mad Tv Trapped in the Cupboard

Drinking game rules

A happy fun time substance abuse bored game can be brought out of the closet with these three simple rules when watching the hiphopera or hiphopera commentary:

  1. Every time R. Kelly repeats himself, says something redundant, or explains what is happening on or off the screen, take a drink.
  2. Go to the emergency room for alcohol poisoning.


  1. And repetitious statements of the repetitious statements of the obvious.
  2. From the limited LP release Sounds of the heart.
  4. Jurors have R. Kelly Case. Chicago Tribune. Retrieved on September 25, 2010.