HowTo:Hide in the closet

My degree from Sanford. Just to prove I'm a legitimate teacher and not some freak who killed your teacher to get close to little children... Ignore the misspelling...

Hello. Welcome to chemistry, or whatever the hell class this is suppose to be. My name is Mr. Romero, and I will be your substitute teacher for the entire week. Your normal teacher, Mr. Winkler, has fallen ill and won't be able to make it for the rest of the week and possibly next week, as well.

“ Does he have GBS? ”

What? Is that what you kids are calling gonorrhea, nowadays? Whatever, on with the lesson your teacher has planned... Huh... He only has today's and tomorrow's lesson plans written out... Lazy son-of-a-... I guess I'll have to come up with stuff for the rest of the week...

Alright, lets see now... Open your books to page 117. Today, we will be learning about how to hide in the closet.

"Mr. Substitute Guy, why would any of us ever want to hide in a closet?"

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I am glad you asked, little "I have to question everything the substitute says because I like being a smart-ass because I think it helps me compensate for the fact that I only have one testicle!" There are several reasons to want to hide in the closet. One being to hide the fact that you only have one testicle and your daddy likes playing with it. Now, how 'bout you shut the fuck up, little... Ah, little Dick. Ha! Your name is Dick! And your teacher has written right here that you pooped a little on yourself the first day of school, and that is the reason you got checked out that day! Haha!

Now, no more interruptions, understood? That goes for every single one of you, especially you little Dick. Great. Now, what say we continue, eh?

Why hide in the closet?

Look! This guy looks cool just by sitting in the closet. You want to be cool, don't you?

Well, children, like I said before, there are many reasons to hide in a closet. Perhaps you wish to join the United States military. Right now, you have to hide in the closet if you want to join. Well, right now you have to, but I'm sure that guy will overturn that rule... But, the military currently requires you to hide in the closet! If you don't hide in the closet, they will kick you out of the military. Trust me. My neighbour, Clay, hid in the closet for five years and made it all the way to the rank of Lieutenant. Then, one day he decided to come out. The military stripped him (Which he enjoyed very much, by the way. They played some George Michael's song while he did it.) and kicked him out (Which made him very pissed).

Another reason to hide in the closet is because it is just plain fun! Have you ever stopped to consider how many things there are to do in the closet!? You can do almost anything in the closet. You can play with yourself with minimal interruptions in a closet, unlike in public places where the police have a tendency to arrest you for playing with yourself.

Hell, hiding in the closet is just cool! Chicks dig guys who hide in the closet. Ninety percent of all male athletes hide in closets, and look how women fall head-over-heels for them! Same with the guys in boy bands and emo guys. Seriously. You are missing out on a great chance to pick-up chicks if you don't hide in the closet.

Also, don't forget about those Jehovah's Witnesses. When they come knocking at your door, don't hide under your bed or anywhere else. For one thing, it is extremely dirty under that bed of yours. You could choke to death on the smell of your dirty socks under there. Plus, they have developed some kind of radar that can detect if you are anywhere else in your house. Luckily though, closets have an immunity to their radar. They, instead of sticking around for an hour like they usually do, will leave in a matter of minutes if you hide in the closet!

Okay, next page...

Before hiding in the closet, it is recommended that one cleans out one's closet first. Oh! I wanna listen to that now! Hey, any of you little shits got Eminem on your iPod or whatever?

“ Nuh-uh. ”

Of course... You're all a bunch of Hannah Montana fans... Someone remind me at the end of class to write up a lesson plan for Wednesday on good music, alright?

Anyway, it says right here that you should properly clean your closet out before attempting to hide in it. You never know what kind of mold or fungus could be growing in there, and you certainly don't want to be crushed by an avalanche of crap when you open your closet door to hide in the closet itself. So... Basically, just properly clean your closet before hiding in it. There is a list of things to do to make sure the closet is properly cleaned. I don't feel like going over it, though. Just remember to properly dispose of the dead bodies in your closet. Don't just throw them away. Take them to a recycling center.

Next page...

Hey! Shithead! Wake up!

This was my teacher at HPCCSS. He'd stab you if you slept in his class.

Don't go to sleep when I'm giving a lesson goddammit! I did NOT spend two years studying at Hoi Ping Chamber of Commerce Secondary School followed by getting my masters degree at Failure University in Mexico City just to teach some little fucker like you! Either pay attention or get out of my damn class! No wonder you only have a two in here, Dick! Hell, I'm surprised your grade is even that high! By the way, your teacher wrote down write here that Suzy over there also a two. A two-inch dick! Hahahah!

You kids need a good lesson in respecting your elders. I think that will be Thursday's lesson. Yeah, Wednesday's will be over what is actually good music and then Thursday's will be over respecting your elders. You little children should be happy that you have me as your substitute. You almost had some drunkard as your sub. Well, that isn't to say I don't drink... But I only do it around kids. Speaking of which, any of you cute little kids want some beer? I got plenty... No!? Okay then... Weirdos... What kind of freaks wouldn't want a free drink...

Anyway, back to the lesson. The first thing you need to, even before cleaning out your closet, is to find a closet to hide in. Well, why the hell didn't they put that part first!? These bookmakers are fucking stupid. They're always placing shit out of order. Whatever...

After that...

Also, hate unicorns.

After finding a closet to hide in and also after cleaning it out, all you have to do is walk into the closet. That's all! Now, just close the closet door and don't say anything! Don't make any noise or anything. All there is left to do is to stay committed to hiding in the closet! Don't come out for any reason at all! Don't even come out of the closet if you meet some sexy muscular guy that you just want to -- I mean... Um... Yeah. Resist all your urges to burst out of the closet.

Also, don't watch any Broadway plays ever again. And the next time you see Madonna, you mustn't think, "Wow! She has a beautiful singing voice!" You should only think, "She's 50 years old?!? Damn! I would still tap that ass!" Anything else and you aren't doing a well-enough job hiding in the closet! You don't want to disappoint your dad, would you?!? No... You don't want that... Oh, and quit wearing pink! You can't hide in the closet if you wear pink... Plus, it's immoral to wear pink if you're a guy. Jesus will hate you if you do!

Just remember...

Don't come out of the closet! Just close the door and stay committed to staying in there!

*School bell ring* Goddamn that bell is loud...

Well, see you tomorrow class. No one has homework tonight except little Dick and Suzy. Suzy, shave your mustache, and, Dick, staple your fucking mouth shut. No one likes you.

See also

• HowTo:Come Out of the Closet - For those that now wish to come out of the closet for whatever goddamn reason. (Remember, coming out of the closet will embarrass your whole family, so don't do it!)
• Right-wing - Read this for more information on hiding in the closet.
• Bill O'Reilly - He is great at hiding in closets.