UnNews:Main Page
| Straight talk, from straight faces | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Tuesday, September 10, 2024, 00:42:59 (UTC) |
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 WASHINGTON, D.C. -- American politics had its biggest shock since Pearl Harbor when President Joe Biden
The end of Biden's campaign came in a brief post on X (Twitter) signed by copypaste, following a rushed evacuation from a Las Vegas rally and days of mysterious silence at his Delaware home. Full story»  FOXBORO, Massachusetts -- The New England Patriots of American Football have traded veteran linebacker Matthew Judon to Atlanta for a third-round draft pick and a bag of footballs.
The move comes on the heels of releasing wide receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster, a likely attempt to avoid association with anything that appears even remotely Jewish. Full story»  LONDON -- Labour Party leader Sir Keir Starmer easily won the British general election against Conservative Party leader Rishi Sunak. The latter's political kamikaze stunt cost him his job whilst his Tories were reduced to three men and a dog.
It was Labour's greatest victory since Tony Blair was Prime Minister. Full story»   NAVELISM WIKIA CITY, California -- A deranged shooter opened fire on Uncyclopedia, thankfully only grazing one ear. The attack occurred on June 29. The site had been silent since then, apparently closeted with aides and planning campaign strategy.
Prior to the outage, the site had been showing signs of incipient dementia, including resisting page edits and uploads of illustrations. Full story»  VATICAN CITY -- Papal officials have revealed that recent utterances from Pope Francis are actually the work of a mechanized chat-bot.
Officials state that the offensive remarks were generated by a chat-bot, perhaps the same bug-ridden technology that has gotten Google to advise millions of users to add glue to pizza and eat one small rock every day. Full story»  LONDON -- British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak fired a water pistol to signify the start of his General Election campaign.
Standing in the pouring rain and with the sound of someone playing Things Can Only Get Wetter (the Labour Party anthem from 1997), Sunak stuck out his chin and made a damp speech. Full story»  LOS ANGELES -- Will Ferrell, the famous actor who played Jeremy Clarkson in the hit movie Grown Ups 2, has sued a dog owner for her dog looking too much like him.
The 56-year-old demanded the owner pay $20 billion upfront due to identity fraud. However, the owner protested that her "little baby couldn't help looking like your dumb ass. It's just how his face is shaped." Full story»  SCUDETTO, Italy -- The signature off-center number plate of Alfa Romeo cars is about to fall into the dustbin of history.
Recent changes to the General Safety Regulations rule that side-mounted plates pose a greater risk to pedestrians. Under this theory, a pedestrian mowed down by a motorcar might have an impression of the number plate in a single buttock. Full story»  STANDING HEADS KYIV, Ukraine -- Ukraine Farm Minister Oleksandr Solskyi has been charged with unlawfully obtaining land worth 291 million hryvnias, and trying to get 190 million hryvnias more.
Agricultural land in Ukraine is in great demand, especially once the land mines are cleared, which virtually anyone can do. Moreover, irrigation has not been a concern since the Kakhovka dam in Donbass was blown up. Full story»  LONDON -- For the first time in history, foreign troops marched in the guard in front of Buckingham Palace.
The pageantry marks the 120th anniversary of the Entente Cordiale between London and Paris, as the two countries agreed to fight on the same side in World War I, provided an assassin could be found to provoke it; also to not bicker quite so much. Full story» |
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| About UnNews
UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story» |
TV Highlights September 10
Panorama Investigates:Does Scotland actually Influence Great Britain? Documentary Argentine Invasion of Scotland Plans Revealed Documentary
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