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| We have met the enemy, and he is us | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Sunday, December 22, 2024, 07:22:59 (UTC) |
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 MARS -- Elon Musk, the richest man in the world and the acknowledged greatest human since Jesus, announced that he is ready to take supreme power on Earth.
The South African-born inventor and owner of Twitter (now "X") said from his base on Mars (now "Y") that he was ready to "step in" and take control. Full story»   SELF-HELP MINNEAPOLIS -- Doctor P. Danforth Some, Ph.D., has written a paper on America's foremost medical journal, TikTok, warning people to stop engaging in "unhealthy" toilet habits.
"My number-one rule is never to urinate in the shower," says Dr. Some. Instead, pee somewhere it is "gone and forgotten" — a stream or lake or, if you are in a large city, the gutter or a public park. Full story»  WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (
 listen) Polling across the United States, a week before the election, is yielding impossible results.
While all polls state that the election is within the margin of error, which is simply a lie that Americans must be told to get them to cast ballots, new polls suggest that, for the first time in Donald Trump's career, Trump's "favorables" exceed his "unfavorables". Full story»  W.W.J.D. WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Recent scholarship using modern DNA analysis shows whom Jesus Christ would be backing in the U.S. federal elections on November 5. Full story»
 TECHNOLOGY BEIRUT, Lebanon -- Warlord Nasrallah has mandated that Hezbollah replace all its cell phones with pagers purchased at a discount from a guy named Moshe. Sadly, this seems to have been short for Mossad.
The innovative devices exploded Tuesday, and over 3,000 holy warriors received embarrassing injuries to the face, if reading the pager at the time of the explosion, or more embarrassing injuries otherwise. Full story»  CUISINE SPRINGFIELD, Ohio -- Sleepy Springfield has been woken up with a jolt after former President Donald Trump called it the cat-and-dog-eating capital of the United States.
Basing his accusation on a spate of missing pets, Trump said immigrants from Haiti were catnapping and dog-taking all over the city for a hot dog recipe popular in their home country, second only to kitten cutlets. Full story»  LONDON -- Labour Party leader Sir Keir Starmer easily won the British general election against Conservative Party leader Rishi Sunak. The latter's political kamikaze stunt cost him his job whilst his Tories were reduced to three men and a dog.
It was Labour's greatest victory since Tony Blair was Prime Minister. Full story»  LONDON -- British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak fired a water pistol to signify the start of his General Election campaign.
Standing in the pouring rain and with the sound of someone playing Things Can Only Get Wetter (the Labour Party anthem from 1997), Sunak stuck out his chin and made a damp speech. Full story» |
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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story» |
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TV Highlights December 22
Countryfile Conservative style Entertainment Doctor Who: The Return of the Plot from last week Sci-Fi
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