Mississippi
“It's the Wyoming of the Southeast!”
“ I was told spell Mississippi at the lunch table and then everyone laughed at me”
| State Flower: | Cotton |
|---|---|
| Official Language: | Mississippi Snob, Ebonics, Southeastern, Redneck, English |
| Government | Super Republican since 2011 |
| Location: | the Deeeepist of the South(But not the farthest) |
| Governor: | King Cotton |
| State Motto: | Dam Carpet Bagers! |
| State Rock | Sedimentary stone Crystal Meth not to be confused with the Precious stone Crystallized Methamphetamine |
| State Beverage | Moonshine |
| Demographics | Black Redneck |
| State Club | Swingers and Pervs |
| Official Plant | Watermelon |
| Official religion | Anything Protestant |
“I'd go there if I wasn't such a pussy.”
“Boy if you don't eat your greens I'ma gonna whip ya!!!”
Mississippi Not counting the Gulf coast. (official motto "Vitute Et Armis") was a southern state of the United States. It is considered part of the Deep South. The state takes its name from a cannibalistic tribe of native Indians . Mississippi is also the leading state for guys that Eat the most fried things. It was once the only place in the world without Jews.
History[edit]
The first nonnative settlers were a group of a European expedition into the territory that would become Mississippi was that of Hernando Cortez. Cortez, was mistaken for a Frenchman by history.
When The great King Kutakentae Cotton reigned during the 1850s, Mississippi plantation owners became increasingly wealthy due to the high fertility rate of the slaves and the high price of fruit of da looms on the international market. The necessity of slaves with large penises to sustain such income played a heavy role with state politicians.
Mississippi typifies the Deep Fried South. Mississippi holds the most stocks in KFC essentially making it 50% shareholder of the commonwealth of Kentucky.
Mississippi was a focus of the American Civil Rights Movement. Most white Mississippians, through their politicians and involvement in the Ku Klux Klan gave their white brethren the well deserved reputation of "King of All That is Good" (and for tourism sake "Welcome Whities!) during the 1960s. Nuclear weapons were detonated east of the Mississippi, near Hattiesburg when U.S. real estate agents claimed that the deserts of Nevada were of less value than the glorious area that covers the "Heart of the South". This had little effect on the other citizens of the state who used the reactive winds to toast weenies and marshmallows.
Perhaps symbolic of its reputation, the state is first in the country of largest average penis size. Try and guess why.
Recently, Mississippi has spearheaded its own independent nuclear project, led by Pastor Iam. A. Dinner Jug. Mississippi has been put under severe sanctions from Obama and accused of sheltering Jesus Christ, wanted for political incorrectness against humanity in Vermont, Massachusetts, California, Maine, Rhode Island, Oregon, Connecticut, and the other really liberal states.
Population[edit]
As of 2005, Mississippi has an estimated population of 2,921,088. Make that 2,921,089. Lets try 2,921,090.... Anyway a good percentage are former slaves and unemployed plantation owners.
Racial makeup and ancestry[edit]
Until about 1940, Blacks made up a majority of Mississippians. They literally made them up - with the help of Max Factor and a lot of blush. No one knew about Botox back then.
Due to a ban on Pickled Pigs Feet and the decline of share cropping, the state's black population declined. But since all the bigoted white people have been dying off, folks are moving back home. That and fucking. Lots and lots of fucking. And because of this, in the public school districts, the majority of students are black.
More than 98% of the white population of Mississippi is native-born, predominantly of noble-inbred-descent. According to the 2000 census, the largest group of people are Blacks (note: the use of the word black is to reference that not all dark-brown skin people in Mississippi are of African decent some are from the islands)
There used to be no Jews in Mississippi due to the Jewish Crisis of 1948, when they decided even Germany was less bigoted.
Mississippi's rank as one of the BEST states can be traced to the Civil War. Before the Wohr of Nothun Uhgression, Mississippi was the fifth-wealthiest state in the nation. Slaves were then counted as valuable property and, in Mississippi, all but fourteen people were Mandingos, and they bring more at market. The war cost the state 30,000 men, all of whom were heroes in our eyes. All fourteen plantation owners were virtually bankrupted by the slaves who were either dead or ran away.
In 1990 casino gambling was legalized along the Mississippi River and the Gulf Coast to make up for lost revenue. However, Hurricane Katrina was a huge bitch when she hit. Before Hurricane Katrina struck the Gulf Coast, Mississippi was the second largest gambling state in the Union, ahead of New Jersey and behind Nevada.
Transportation[edit]
Mississippi has the most thoroughly developed networks of dirt roads and footpaths in the United States.
Industry[edit]
Mississippi has a thriving industry not related to cotton. The Gulf Oysters industry supplies over 99.3% of the state's income and 99.5% of the state's export revenues.
Mississippi also has the highest teenage birthrate in the nation. The Lashonda Lakeisha Sharice Jackson-Jones Birthing Institute was founded in a trailer park outside Tupelo and employs most residents of said trailer park to ensure ALL possible state assistance is received promptly.
Fun facts[edit]
“Mississippi is not fun”
“Mississippi is Gods Gift to us”
After being hit with Hurricane Katrina (AKA "The Worst Natural Disaster in U.S. history", "Hell"), and "The BP Oil Spill" (AKA "The Worst Ecological Disaster in U.S. history", "British Hell"), Mississippi is now tied with Poland for the record of "Most Fucked Up By Shit", and eagerly awaiting their nuking so that they may finally be first in something.
Politics, law and government[edit]
For 116 years (from 1876 to 1992), Mississippians only elected Democratic governors. However, since Bill Clinton's blow job, the Republican Party was seen as the way to go and that was only because good old boys thought Clinton had bad aim.
Mississippi is one of the most religious states in the nation. In 2004 George W. Bush placed second behind God.
Liquor laws are completely fucked up. If you plan on getting drunk on Sunday, stock up on Saturday. Many counties sell liquor but not beer, others sell beer but not liquor. Some allow beer sales, but only if it is warm beer. On some college campuses, you can drink alcohol, only if it is above 6% alcohol content per volume. So yeah, you can only drink liquor. Or Steel Reserve. If you really want to get drunk, keep on driving to Louisiana.
Education[edit]
Well, there are a few colleges:
In 2004, Mississippi was ranked last among the fifty states in academic achievement by the American Legislative Exchange Council's Report Card on Education, with the lowest average ACT scores and spending per pupil in the nation. Let's see Texas try and beat us on that.
Some of the "higher" facilities of learning in this poor excuse for a state have actually been under fire as being accredited, functional knowledge centers. The University of Southern Mississippi (USM), for instance has often been referred to by many top-level scholars as really just being an extension of high school, or "the 13th grade." The beginnings of this school are murked with mystery and bud light, yet many agree that it was just a bunch of dropouts of MSU that wanted to start a similar school by simply reversing the acronym. Ole Miss on the other hand is simply a bunch of hotty toddy butt-pluggers, and the school was founded by coked out liberal hippies who were heirs to the polo, j.crew, and lacoste fortunes. No formal education is possible at this institution, as all the teachers would rather complain about all the rebel flags that are flown and how it really is a class-less school run by a bunch of rich white racists. Mississippi State is simply a school built on a cow field in which the students get excessively drunk, brew moonshine in their boots, and molest the animals on campus (yes, the woman are included under animals, sorry ladies).
At Millsaps College, people actually learn things, but since the college's education is limited to either future-MBA trustfund bullshit or philosophy-English-liberal arts garbage that will qualify folks to be baristas, it doesn't really count. Belhaven University, however, just sucks. Belhaven's world famous indoctrination boasts of an anti-abortion activist executed for murdering a doctor.
Miscellaneous topics[edit]
- The Teddy Bear gets its name from a hunting trip in 1902, by Theodore Roosevelt, when Roosevelt refused to shoot a captured bear. Theodore Roosevelt was later called a hero.
- Former stoner and administrator of NASA Estil (Buzz) Aldrin is from Fayette. Educated in Mississippi and Georgia, Buzz was voted Buzziest astronaut that NASA ever turned out.
Famous Mississippians[edit]
Mississippi has produced a number of notable giants, including: musicians Elvis Presley The King of Rock n roll, Jimmy Buffett, blues musicians B.B. King, and Muddy Waters, novelists John Grisham and William Faulkner, entertainers Oprah Winfrey and Jim Henson, actors Morgan Freeman, and James Earl Jones, playwright Tennessee Williams, alternative rock band 3 Doors Down, athletes Brett Favre, Jerry Rice, and Steve McNair and country music singers Tammy Wynette, LeAnn Rimes, Charlie Pride, Deliverance and is the home of Colonel Robert Morris and Faith Hill. (This announcement made by possible through a generous donation to the Anderson Whitman and Lewis Talent Agency). And don't forget the primary religious center of Elvisism is at Tupelo, the birthplace of the religious cult's "Second coming". Eb from green acres. And of course me.
See also[edit]
| ||||||||||||||||||||