Cronus
Cronus (also Cronos, Chronos, Chronic and Crowbar) was the Titan God who ruled Olympus before his son Zeus had him retired in a power struggle that rocked the Ancient Greek world back in the day.
Cronus was later called 'Saturn' by the Romans when they annexed the Greek World and changed everyone's name to sound more Latina. Since Cronus also sounded a bit like 'time' in their language (Chronos), so the Romans made him the 'god of the year' who ages from zero as Baby Time to 169 as Old Father Time in 12 months. He also got to be the second biggest planet in the Solar System but inferior in size to Jupiter. But at least he got to wear a ring or two.
Family[edit]
Cronus was one of the sons of the god Uranus. His father had locked up Cronus and his many brothers, sisters and things - all the result of some questionable family in-breeding involving his grandmother Gaia and Uranus. When granny/mother Gaia objected to Uranus's parenting approach, Cronus volunteered to cut off his father's genitals to improve the atmosphere at home. Gaia agreed and Uranus had his junk cut off and thrown into the sea.
Cronus was now the leader supreme. He released his normal looking siblings but kept the monster end of the family safely caged up in hell. Cronus rejected marrying his granny as according to ancient Greek custom and instead chose to marry his sister Rhea. The other Titans were released and given out jobs in an American Presidential way.
The new regime called itself 'The Golden Age' and boasted that no one needed any laws, morality laws or financial savings as everything would work out right.
Predictions[edit]
Before marrying Rhea, Cronus decided he should take marital advice from the Fates. These were sisters who could predict the past, present and future and also change it if necessary. Granny Gaia said they were her half sisters (or something) but the Fates predicted that any son of Cronus would overthrow him and then marry his own sister. Not fancying this prediction, Cronus decided he would be an active father. When Rhea showed her husband their first child (a daughter, Hestia), Cronus promptly popped the baby deity in his gob and swallowed hard.
Rhea naturally protested and complained to her granny Gaia and the other Titans but they excused Cronus's actions. They said it was 'first dad nerves' or something. Rhea could have tolerated that but in succession, Cronus eat all their subsequent children. When she tried to protest, Cronus threatened to swallow her too.
Needless to say, this made life on Mount Olympus a trifle awkward. Cronus's other brothers and sisters made plenty of happy families but Rhea remained childless. Eventually Granny Gaia intervened and came up with a plan
The Sharon Stone[edit]
A few months later Rhea popped out her latest Godlet. Cronus happened to be down the taverna and came back very late. The lights were out and stumbling around, Cronus heard a baby cry. Hand it over and taking what he thought was a new baby, swallowed it without chewing and then passed out. Rhea then whistled and this is where Aries the goat comes into the story. Rhea entrusted her new baby boy who she called Zeus and watch them both disappear into the darkness. What Cronos had actually swallowed was the ancient Sharon Stone, an immovable object of great age that was shaped like a woman.
Cronos later woke up, still unaware what had happened the night before. He demanded his breakfast of nectar crunchies and then went off again looking for mortal women to impregnate. Rhea received word her son was safe and then left the family home to live with Gaia down on Earth. This also let her check on the progress of little Zeus.
Years passed..perhaps centuries. Zeus had grown into a man, and then a bit more as he put on weight and grew a big beard. He appeared to be happy being a nobody. His best friend growing up had been the goat and from Aries, he took on some 'goat-like' behaviour when it came to the wood nymphs. However this got him noticed by Cronos.
Regime Change[edit]
Cronus's drinking habits lead to his overthrow. Now very bloated and with severe stomach ache, Cronus became convinced that this 'Zeus' was a threat. He invited the youngish beardie to Mount Olympus for a closer look. But then Rhea slipped a drug into Cronus's honey-flavoured liquor and he passed out. When he woke up, he saw Zeus standing over him with a baseball bat. Rhea and Gaia then told Cronus that Zeus was the 'fruit of his fart-filled loins' and that his days as celestial super ruler were over.
In fear for the first time, Cronus grabbed his own balls in fear that Zeus would castrate him. Instead Zeus told his father to 'belch like a drunkard'. Cronus did as he was told and sicked-up the fully grown Hestia, [[Hades], Poseidon, Demeter and Hera. Also Sharon Stone came out but she was ignored. Zeus was no longer a lonely child.
Cronus begged to keep his genitals. After a family consultation, Zeus agreed but banished his father to never come back or visit Olympus. The falled Titan was assigned a spot in the world of the afterlife, somewhere near the Elysian Fields where his job was to check that Time remained constant and didn't lose or gain centuries.
Old Father Time[edit]
Cronus kept his testicles but he appears to have been barred from having fun with mortals or wispy underwear Nymphs. He was given a carriage clock to keep him company.
In comparison to the typical Greek attitude, the Romans liked Cronus who they said was the spitting image of their god Saturn. He also had one of the best festivals of the year, from the 25th December to the 6th January. This was when it was considered by the Romans to be civic and polite to get totally off your face for 12 days and throw caution (and clothing) to the wind for some rigorous shagging as it was known, babies born in the Summer were also the happiest.
Finally, it was Cronus's disciple Chronarion who got inspired to start Uncyclopedia with Stillwaters. Just think, if they had hung on for a few more years they could have instead started Silk Road and be retired on an endless supply of drugs and hookers in Dubai. But it didn't happen that way.
